A-m-e-...?

[JenKuz]

I called after my test results. Here's the dialogue:

Me: Hi, I was calling to see if my test results are in yet?

Her: Give me your name, and I'll check.

....

Her: Well, they're in, all but one, but the doctor hasn't had a chance to look at them yet.

Me: Well, can you tell me what the results are?

Her: Not until the doctor looks at them.

Me: When will he have a chance to call me?

Her: Today or tomorrow.

Me: Well, can you give me the numbers that are in them?

Her: Not until the doctor looks at them.

Me: Ma'am, I'm an epidemiologist, and I've run similar tests in a lab myself, so I know how to interpret the numbers. If you could just tell me my results, I'll discuss them with the doctor when he calls me later.

Her: Not until the doctor looks at them.

Me: I HAVE A RIGHT TO HEAR MY OWN D$@# TESTS RESULTS!!!! THEY BELONG TO ME!!! I PAID FOR THEM, THEY ARE MY BODILY FLUIDS!!! IT IS MY RIGHT TO HAVE THEM!!!

Just kidding. I didn't say that last part.

So the doctor didn't even call me. He had the same clueless assistant call me. Here's our dialogue:

Her (cheerful): So, we're still missing one test result, but it looks like everything else came back normal!

Me: Ok. Which one isn't in yet?

Her: Um, it's, ah, A...M....E...B....

Me: Amebiasis?

Her: Yes, that one.

Me: Ok. So, this doesn't really help me much in the way of figuring out what's wrong with me.

Her: Oh.

Me: So, should I just wait until the biopsy, then? Or will the doctor be calling me before then? It's over a month away.

Her: Um.

Me: Could I get in any earlier than that, do you think? If you have a cancelation?

Her: Sure, let me make a note.

Me: So will the doctor be calling me then?

Her: I can check. We'll get back to you.

This was after I had to look up the amebiasis test in the Qwest manual for the woman who was taking my blood. When she called the office, she said,

"This patient thinks she knows which test she's supposed to have, but I've never heard of this one. Can you call me and tell me the number?"

Me: I'm pretty sure it's amebiasis.

Her: But I'm *looking* it *UP* and it's not here.

Me: Mmmm, have you tried to look it up with an O?

Her: An *O*?

Me: The British spelling? A-M-O-E....

Her: Well, I suppose. (She looks under A-M-I-E....) See? It's not here.

Me: Try the O's.

Her: I *AM*. It's not here.

Me: No, the, ah, O's. You're in the I's.

Her: Oh. Right.

Me: See, right there? It says, "See Entamoeba histolytica" That's the one. It's an antibody test.

Her: We'll just wait until they call from upstairs.

...

Twenty minutes pass....*ring, ring*......Her: Right. Enta...Okay. Right

...

Her: Okay, where was that one you said? Enta...?

Me: Entamoeba histolytica. E-N-T-A-...

Her: Okay, there it is. Right.

Me: *sigh*

*******

Thought ya'll might find that entertaining. Can I trust a gastroenterologist when his assistants have never heard of ameba?

[happygirl]

Okay, I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but THANK YOU for posting that! That just had me laughing OUT LOUD at my desk at work. It also makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has had these "classic" moments with medical professionals.

Sigh. Good luck!

[Guest nini]

that's pitiful! thanks for the laugh though...

not exactly the same but reminds me of the time in the Dr.s office where the nurse kept trying to tell me I needed to add more fiber into my diet and that I should eat whole wheat... This is with a big ol red sticker on the front of the file that says Celiac, cannot have gluten/wheat... I pointed it out to her and she said, "but it doesn't say you can't have whole wheat" um yes it does, what is whole wheat? wheat?! Idiot. (this was in the beginning before I started losing weight and was starting to have issues with constipation after switching to the gluten-free diet)

[JenKuz]

that's pitiful! thanks for the laugh though...

not exactly the same but reminds me of the time in the Dr.s office where the nurse kept trying to tell me I needed to add more fiber into my diet and that I should eat whole wheat... This is with a big ol red sticker on the front of the file that says Celiac, cannot have gluten/wheat... I pointed it out to her and she said, "but it doesn't say you can't have whole wheat" um yes it does, what is whole wheat? wheat?! Idiot. (this was in the beginning before I started losing weight and was starting to have issues with constipation after switching to the gluten-free diet)

Oh, my. That's much worse. It's appalling, in't it?

[spunky]

This is the type of thing that made me give up on doctors a long time ago.

It's funny, but really scary, too.

[CarlaB]

Sounds sooo familiar ... I won't even call my doctor's office anymore, they act much less stupid when my husband calls them.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

(Sigh) I guess I am getting too jaded to laugh at this one. If I were you, I would print out a copy of what you had to go through with this ignorant assistant, have your doctor read it at your next appointment, and very politely request that you not be treated like thatby his assistant again.

You can be sure HE wouldn't sit around patiently for 40 minutes waiting for some untrained newbie to learn out how to spell, "amoeba" after he's already given her the correct spelling. Heck, if he spent 40 minutes with a patient, he'd lose his bonus from the HMO. Your time is worth as much as his. And, as you said, they were your bodily fluids, and tests that you paid for!

Perhaps he can put in your chart a note containing his written authorization to let you have the numbers from any of your future test results without waiting for him to get around to reading them, and then waiting again for his lovely assistant to figure out how to spell your name and dial the phone.

[debmidge]

In their defense, most of the office staff are non-medical personnel and have no training in medical terminology. Many are college students or housewives who are working just to get extra income. They do not have a financial stake in the doctor's practice, they just answer phones, open mail, make appointments for patients, fax stuff back and forth to lab, patient, hospital, etc. It's a basic clerical position. Unless the clerk is a "Physican's Assistant" or "Nurse Practioner" they are really just a regular person who is in over their heads when you call them for specific information.

In my field, my assistant is not licensed (insurance agency) and is not allowed to discuss insurance coverages nor claims nor premiums. The assistant can only take a message from the customer, but assistant can speak with insurance companies, adjusters, auditors, etc. as long as assistant isn't giving numbers or advice. Again, it's just a general clerical position - - insurance law along with our malpractice insurer determines how much involvement is allowed by non licensed personnel.

However, if this office person in Dr.'s office has been doing this job a long time, the terminology should be familiar to her/him; but again, most Dr.'s offices probably hire at a low income and have a high rate of "turn-over" and new staff.

With test results, I'd rather have the right answer than any answer.

[eKatherine]

In their defense, most of the office staff are non-medical personnel and have no training in medical terminology. Many are college students or housewives who are working just to get extra income. They do not have a financial stake in the doctor's practice, they just answer phones, open mail, make appointments for patients, fax stuff back and forth to lab, patient, hospital, etc. It's a basic clerical position. Unless the clerk is a "Physican's Assistant" or "Nurse Practioner" they are really just a regular person who is in over their heads when you call them for specific information.

In my field, my assistant is not licensed (insurance agency) and is not allowed to discuss insurance coverages nor claims nor premiums. The assistant can only take a message from the customer, but assistant can speak with insurance companies, adjusters, auditors, etc. as long as assistant isn't giving numbers or advice. Again, it's just a general clerical position - - insurance law along with our malpractice insurer determines how much involvement is allowed by non licensed personnel.

However, if this office person in Dr.'s office has been doing this job a long time, the terminology should be familiar to her/him; but again, most Dr.'s offices probably hire at a low income and have a high rate of "turn-over" and new staff.

With test results, I'd rather have the right answer than any answer.

When a business continually chooses to hire people who are untrainable, I blame the business. There are people out there who are not totally clueless and are available. Yes, you might have to pay them twenty-five cents more an hour, but the increased productivity (time not wasted on stuff they should have picked up while working in a doctor's office) would more than make up for it.

[gfp]

When a business continually chooses to hire people who are untrainable, I blame the business. There are people out there who are not totally clueless and are available. Yes, you might have to pay them twenty-five cents more an hour, but the increased productivity (time not wasted on stuff they should have picked up while working in a doctor's office) would more than make up for it.

I wholeheartedly agree but from the MD's perspective if he has people rolling in and out of the practice and he can't fit any more in then the number who get messed about is irrelevant...and meanwhile they are paying 25c less an hour....

sad.... but true....

[Fiddle-Faddle]

If the doctors can't be bothered to talk directly to the patients the day their blood tests come in, then they need to hire authorize someone (who can spell) to at least read the numbers over the phone.

My endocrinologist's office assistants are very nice about reading my thyroid #'s to me when ask if I can have them for my own home records.

[JenKuz]

In their defense, most of the office staff are non-medical personnel and have no training in medical terminology. Many are college students or housewives who are working just to get extra income. They do not have a financial stake in the doctor's practice, they just answer phones, open mail, make appointments for patients, fax stuff back and forth to lab, patient, hospital, etc. It's a basic clerical position. Unless the clerk is a "Physican's Assistant" or "Nurse Practioner" they are really just a regular person who is in over their heads when you call them for specific information.

In my field, my assistant is not licensed (insurance agency) and is not allowed to discuss insurance coverages nor claims nor premiums. The assistant can only take a message from the customer, but assistant can speak with insurance companies, adjusters, auditors, etc. as long as assistant isn't giving numbers or advice. Again, it's just a general clerical position - - insurance law along with our malpractice insurer determines how much involvement is allowed by non licensed personnel.

However, if this office person in Dr.'s office has been doing this job a long time, the terminology should be familiar to her/him; but again, most Dr.'s offices probably hire at a low income and have a high rate of "turn-over" and new staff.

With test results, I'd rather have the right answer than any answer.

I can see your point, except for two things:

The first woman who didn't know what an ameba was, was not an assistant. She was the woman who actually drew my blood, therefore not a housewife or college student...

The assistant who refused to read me my results was in fact the same person who ultimately called me with them, so she must have been authorized. As for her, I think she knew so little about the tests that she didn't know where to find the numbers or what to read. In that case, it is fair that she didn't give them to me. I don't have concerns about a doctor who has assistants who aren't totally versed in the tests they run; however, I feel that whoever interfaces with the patient should really be trained in the basics of the field.

One other thing is that I would consider it strange to run across two people in the general population who have not heard of an ameba, to say nothing of a person working for a GI doc. That is what I find most distressing. I try not to be self-righteous or pretentious about knowing things in general; I have been lucky to receive many educational opportunities in my life. But I do remember hearing all about ameba when I was a child, in 7th grade biology class, again in discussions of one of the local lakes, whether it was safe to swim in. Ameba are a part of everyday conversation in general; they have even sparked their own adjective to mean amorphous. So how could a person not have heard of them? And shouldn't a doctor reconsider before hiring someone ignorant at that level?

Or best yet, pay her to do the filing, but call his patients himself....

[debmidge]

I wonder if that worker knew saltine crackers (Nabisco) contain wheat? Here we go again. ..

[eKatherine]

I wonder if that worker knew saltine crackers (Nabisco) contain wheat? Here we go again...

The doctor is responsible for making sure that the people in his office don't hurt you. He can't pass that responsibility off on somebody else. If he's going to allow them to give you advice, he should have some reassurance that they know what they're talking about.