How Can I Help My Husband Understand?

[Adelle]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that ur husband is responding this way. The fact that he CHOOSES to hurt u this wayreally sux. He is being hurtful because he chooses to. I can't tell u to leave or stay, but he needs a serious wake up call. Tell him point blank, you are NOT exaggerating, he is making the situation WORSE, and it's not your FAULT. He HAS to deal with this!

As for the feeling older, I'm 22 and I felt 90. b4 going gluten free, intimacy was the LAST thing on my list. That has changed since going gluten free. Remind him that when u FEEL better, life will BE better.

Remind him that he said "for better or worse", NOT "for better or stop whining". It could be much worse than celiac, this is a (comparitively) easy fix. If HE were sick would u treat him as he's treating u? I don't think it's a man vs. woman thing, my husband was my biggest advocate, he NEVER let me give up. Yes he struggles because he can't "fix it", but he would NEVER expect me to just get over it. He's way not perfect, but u have the RIGHT to expect support, love, and encouragement from him.

I hope he becomes the kind of husband u deserve. *hugs*

[Kody]

I agree that intamacy is a big part of a relationship. I find it realy hard to get in the mood to go that far.....I do try though. He doesn't go months without it or anything....in general he gets it at least once a week but being he's a guy and all he wants it just about every night. He may be making his own drama with the food thing. I have tried explaining to him that it just means that I (not him) will have to make allot more things from scratch. I have told him that there are alternative pastas and that my grandmother apparently has perfected a bread....bun.....cookies and many other recipes. I have still given him the freedom to buy and take whatever he wants to work to eat.

twice a day and all your problems are solved.

jk

[VydorScope]

I urge you to keep in mind that any answer that places the blame on only one person in a marriage is almost always wrong.

Get with a consoler for you realtionship/communications issue, and the romance will follow by itself in most cases.

[Guest motherof6]

He may be making his own drama with the food thing. I have tried explaining to him that it just means that I (not him) will have to make allot more things from scratch. I have told him that there are alternative pastas and that my grandmother apparently has perfected a bread....bun.....cookies and many other recipes. I have still given him the freedom to buy and take whatever he wants to work to eat.

I'm running into the same food problem with my husband and unceliac children. I have been slowly taking it out of our diet. Introducing new meals and replacing old ones with different ingredients. I found the best cook book. "Gluten free gourmet" There are 4 of them. They even have recipes for dry mixes for breads and pastries. There are 4 or 5 of them and you can find them on amazon for cheap.

[2wheels4eyes]

I found sex much improved post diagnosis when I wasn't always afraid of embarrassing GI "side effects" (and sound effects, )

[CarlaB]

twice a day and all your problems are solved.

jk

LOL, one thing I've discovered is that men are a lot of talk .... if you talk back in the same way they do, they are many times just happy knowing you want them. Twice a day ... yeah, right!

Hi Motherof6, I have 6, too!!

[Kody]

LOL, one thing I've discovered is that men are a lot of talk .... if you talk back in the same way they do, they are many times just happy knowing you want them. Twice a day ... yeah, right!

Hi Motherof6, I have 6, too!!

lol... well, in all seriousness now, I'm a guy and I don't care as much for sex. I'd rather just cuddle and hold each other, chat, all that romantic stuff.

Twice a day isn't necessary.

[tarnalberry]

lol... well, in all seriousness now, I'm a guy and I don't care as much for sex. I'd rather just cuddle and hold each other, chat, all that romantic stuff.

Twice a day isn't necessary.

that's why I don't want to generalize. prior to my medical issue (and occasionally these days) I was the one with a much higher drive than my husband. twice a day would have been lovely.

[Kody]

that's why I don't want to generalize. prior to my medical issue (and occasionally these days) I was the one with a much higher drive than my husband. twice a day would have been lovely.

omgletsgetmarriedplx~

jk I didn't even know that was possible! learn something new everyday...

[tarnalberry]

omgletsgetmarriedplx~

jk I didn't even know that was possible! learn something new everyday...

lol we're still married.

[Queen Serenity]

I feel so badly for anyone who has to suffer the wrath of a spouse. It's ridiculous to have a bad attitude toward anyone who is sick. I think any spouse should be educated through this website. Let them see or even post any questions that they may have in their dazed and confused minds. They have to be made to understand that this no joke. It's an illness. A lifetime illness. But, it can be controlled, unlike a cancer, and they need to know this. If they are scared, then they should educate themselves. KNOWLEDEGE IS POWER! Yelling gets you nowhere. I have been dealing with this for 11 years. You have your ups and your downs. Even sticking to the diet chronically, you can still suffer by some form of accidental ingestion. If your spouse cannot find the time for understanding Celiac's, then maybe the relationship you have is a problem. You need to have 100% cooperation and understanding. If you don't have that, then it will be harder for you to get well again. I hope for the best in this kind of situation.

Vicki

[glutenfreeme]

I have had symptoms since early childhood that have only gotten worse. I have a list for the doctor of about 75 symptoms or so. As many of you I am sure can relate I feel like **** everyday. I feel like I have a bout of the flu that has lasted about 11 years that won't go away......I feel like I am going to throw up everyday....I don't even remember what it is like not to have a headache, muscle aches, or joint pain. I am finaly getting tested Thursday.....my husband yelled at me for hoping the tests come back postive.....maybe I am nuts but this seems to be the answear to everything that is wrong and I hoped this would help allot of it go away. Then on top of all of my problems my husband yells at me again tonight that I am making this out to be more than it is. He says I complain to much......but trust me he doesn't even her the half of it. It started tonight because once again I wasn't in the "mood". Now he seems upset that if myself and our duaghter come back positive that I plan on making our house gluten free.....I reminded him that he could have whatever he wished at work wich for him is everything but dinner. My grandmother (a celiac) says we need to be compleatly gluten free even replacing toasters and pans. I am depressed and he isn't helping. I can't seem to get through to him the gravity of the situation. If our daughter tests positive I don't want to risk her getting contaminated. I am even scared to send her to her grandparents as they don't seem to be taking it serious either. If anyone has any advice on how to help my husband and other family members to GET IT it would be greatly apprciated.

H.S.-

You are not alone. It feels like it, because being ill is a lonely experience. Just focus on telling him simple things, like Wheat and it's derivatives=the flu. I found my husband with his knife in the peanut butter that I clearly labeled G.F. and I thought he got it. I wonder if anyone really "gets it" unless they are in it. You have young children as I do and he of all people needs to understand you are and they are a PRIORITY. If Mom isn't happy, no one is happy! If he is able to see a physical change( ie you become more energetic, etc.) once you are G.F, that should solve some of this. I am sorry you have to hurt emotionally when this is tough enough physically. I feel your pain. HAHAHA- quite literally! I was diagnosed in early June and have been G.F. since July. I have gained 15 lbs( I was emaciated) and am putting on muscle at the gym, feeling better every day. Find a gym with childcare, you won't regret it for a second.

Take good care,

Heather from CA

[Guest ~jules~]

I have had symptoms since early childhood that have only gotten worse. I have a list for the doctor of about 75 symptoms or so. As many of you I am sure can relate I feel like **** everyday. I feel like I have a bout of the flu that has lasted about 11 years that won't go away......I feel like I am going to throw up everyday....I don't even remember what it is like not to have a headache, muscle aches, or joint pain. I am finaly getting tested Thursday.....my husband yelled at me for hoping the tests come back postive.....maybe I am nuts but this seems to be the answear to everything that is wrong and I hoped this would help allot of it go away. Then on top of all of my problems my husband yells at me again tonight that I am making this out to be more than it is. He says I complain to much......but trust me he doesn't even her the half of it. It started tonight because once again I wasn't in the "mood". Now he seems upset that if myself and our duaghter come back positive that I plan on making our house gluten free.....I reminded him that he could have whatever he wished at work wich for him is everything but dinner. My grandmother (a celiac) says we need to be compleatly gluten free even replacing toasters and pans. I am depressed and he isn't helping. I can't seem to get through to him the gravity of the situation. If our daughter tests positive I don't want to risk her getting contaminated. I am even scared to send her to her grandparents as they don't seem to be taking it serious either. If anyone has any advice on how to help my husband and other family members to GET IT it would be greatly apprciated.

To answer the question of your post, due to my experiences (no I'm not a man hater either) You can't and won't get him to understand, so do what you have to do to get better, tell him to go gripe at the wall, you've got things to do. Be your own cause here, don't let his crap bring you down, I had to learn that the long hard way.

[NoGluGirl]

Thank you all for the advice and support. It is nice to know that I am not the only one going through all of this and that maybe just maybe I am not crazy.

Dear hannahsue01,

I am stuck living with my parents at 23 and have experienced the same miseries. The nausea is so bad, you wish someone would just kill you. Going gluten-free has made a difference for me. In a few days, my stomach was not so bloated, and in a week, my reflux reduced. I too know every single physical misery you and all of the others on this thread have mentioned. My family does not understand either, nor do they care to. They act like I am a hypochondriac, selfish, paranoid, etc. They butter their toast or poor cereal near my drink! We cannot afford to get new pans either, but that does not stop them. They can go out to eat five days a week, but we will just have to wait on the food. Huh-uh. I have to get a part-time job despite being a full-time college student and being very sick still with fibromyalgia and yeast candida. At least I do not have to live off Phenergan anymore. I was afraid to go anywhere without taking the anti-nausea medication, due to the nausea being so bad. I was afraid I would be sick. I do not go out often, but am getting there. The gluten-free thing has really amazed me. I even went as far as to count how many times I chewed and everything else, but the digestive problems were still terrible. They still exist, but are much more tolerable. My energy levels are better. I tested negative in blood tests for Celiac, but responded well to diet. I used to have stomach aches constantly and nausea as a child, but they never found anything. Like you, it just got worse with time. Now, I have finally found something that works. You will not believe the difference. You are not crazy you are physically sick. If you like, I could give your husband whatfore!

Sincerely,

NoGluGirl

[2kids4me]

I agree with the suggestions for counselling - it can be safe place to vent for both parties and it can get to the bigger issues and help with working them through.

I am the chronic illness half of my marriage - worst thing dh has to deal with is getting stepped on by cows/horse and using Flonase once a day.

I was wiped out for months before they found out I needed B12. I was cranky and tired.

I had post partum depression - mostly because of lack of sleep with new baby and dd who couldn't walk and at same time ds was colicy - we were told dd may have spinal muscular atrophy ( but found out not, after 4 months of thinking she did).

Painful neuropathy finds me up and about at 4 a.m. - hard to feel sexy when it feels like your foot is being stabbed with hot needles.

I had more anxiety before medical tests on kids than dh did, I stayed in hospital with them - he went to work.

Sometimes in marriages - you can feel very alone. How CAN he know what I feel like if he has never had chronic illness? Men are not talkers - they want to problem solve - he cant fix any of this.

Men are not always good at empathy - women are, that is why more women post here - they love to talk it out and support one another with hugs

Imagine any man posting here and ending with {{HUGS}}

Chronic illness presents additional stresses in a relationship - it can show up as resentment, dismissal, detachment.. which creates a void - which can beget anger. Each one needing the other - but not able to meet those needs when it is crucial.

Hang in there - on some night - dont discuss medical issues - just remind each other why you fell in love and what you need most from each other.

[gfp]

Hannahsue,

Relationships are very challenging. I agree that your husband is wrong to be yelling at you and there are issues that you may need counseling to straighten out, just because you need a third party there who is not on one side or the other. I also think your husband is scared and finds it hard to believe. I find it hard to believe that FOOD could have caused all these health issues for me.

As far as not being in the mood, I can totally relate. I've had low thyroid and adrenal glands, but I'm starting to feel human again in this regard. However, you cannot possibly underestimate how important sex is to a man. You have all these things on your list that you want him to do -- supporting you through this illness being one of them, eating gluten-free being another, plus all the normal stuff. If the one thing on his list is being met on nights you don't feel like it, but don't feel too bad for it, then he'll bend over backwards to support you. Trust me on this ... I've been married for 22 years this December ... we've had good times and bad times .... you cannot underestimate how important physical intimacy is to him. And don't consider him shallow for it .... he's just a guy.

I guess at some point I will put in my 2c....but CarlaB has expressed it pretty much as I would have said anyway.

I feel so badly for anyone who has to suffer the wrath of a spouse. It's ridiculous to have a bad attitude toward anyone who is sick.

Yes it is ridiculous but its also natural ...

Most importantly someone said earlier "Yelling is abuse" ....

Well, perhaps but it is also a symptom that something is wrong and i think comparing "yelling" and other forms of abuse is perhaps cheapening abuse. There is yelling and yelling .... and the two are completely different. Someone who yells simply to intimidate the other person is NOT the same as someone who ends up yelling due to frustration.

I'm in no way suggesting that yelling is a good thing, what I'm saying is there is a world of difference between deliberatly setting out to intimidiate people and stress and nono communication building up and ending up yelling.

A primary cause of frustration for men is lack of sex....

Its just a biological fact.... presumably you don't want your man doing the "natural thing" and just having sex whereever he can find it..this is a whole part of marriage is the commitment to one person even though that goes against a man's biological programming. Since this was a subject of arguament I think its a VERY safe bet this has a large part of his frustration....as has been said seeing a councellor is a good start... however I wouldn't suggest any type of councelling that might include absinence. Either people want to abstain or not...

and has been saide by the ex-US surgeon general (though this is paraphrasing) "In all her years in Washington she never met anyone who was well enough qualified in their own sexuality to determine what someone elses should be"

Men are not talkers - they want to problem solve - he cant fix any of this.

Men are not always good at empathy - women are, that is why more women post here - they love to talk it out and support one another with hugs

No need to repeat that!