How To Tell The Bf's Family

[MistressIsis]

ok so I have a long distance thing going. He wanted me to meet the family on Thanksgiving. I have no problem with that part. When we were talking arrangements I told him the only issue is the food thing. I certainly don't want to upset his mom but I also don't want to have to constantly exlain why. He's not very good at this yet, mostly because he doesn't see me everyday.

I was thinking he should be the one to tell her so it isn;t a surprise but how do we get across how important it is?

[almostnrn]

You could maybe write a list of the most important parts down for him so he makes sure to cover them. If he has a hard time explaining it, maybe you guys could print out some info from one of the great online pages explaining it. There is also the option that you could call her (even though you haven't met) and talk to her about it, it may actually be a good start to your relationship. She at least would feel like she kind of knows you on Thanksgiving and it won't be so uncomfortable. I'm not sure how far you have to travel, or where you will be going but maybe you could take some things to make your own pie, stuffing...you know kind of contribute so they (and you ) don't have to worry about CC. If there isn't a store nearby that you could purchase these items you could always order them online and have them shipped to her house. No matter what I hope you have a wonderful time! I have found that when people are given enough time and information to adjust they are very receptive.

[Guest cassidy]

This is a tricky one. It is always hard when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings but you don't want to get sick. I would definitely bring my own food. I would make up a Thanksgiving plate for myself and bring it on over. I have already started getting things for myself so I will be able to do the same.

I would also bring some dishes for the table if you are going that day, or make some dishes there if you are flying or going a couple days in advance. You could control the kitchen by re-washing pans and wiping counters so you felt comfortable cooking there.

In advance I would just tell the parents something vague like I have very severe food allergies and it is extemely difficult to cook for me. I don't want to offend you but the safest thing for me to do would to bring my own food. I will be happy to make dishes I can eat and also share with the table, what can I contribute to the meal?

Once you get there and meet her and she sees you are a nice, regular person then you can go into as much detail as you want (or as little) about celiac. I don't think anyone would want to make you sick and if you are vague and make it sound really bad, then I think most people wouldn't feel offended or insist you eat their food.

Good luck and have fun!

[hez]

I firmly believe honesty is the best policy. I think the bf should tell his Mom. I also think it would be a great opportunity to call her as well. It is not easy. I'll I have to do is think about how hard it was to cook the first month of my dx. I cc myself countless times.

So maybe you will have to do more to make sure you do not get sick. I have found my mom in law to be wonderful. I think most people when given the chance will treat others with dignity and respect when those qualities have been bestowed upon them.

Hez

[happygirl]

from boyfriend, before yall come:

"Mom, I'm excited for you to meet Girlfriend's Name. She is great and I think you will like her. I just wanted to let you know that she has some dietary restrictions and she won't be able to eat everything that you serve. She has Celiac Disease, which is an autoimmune disorder. She gets sick if she eats even the tiniest amount of gluten, which is found in wheat, rye, and barley. Other than this she is healthy, she just has to be careful with what she eats. She is bringing her own food so there is no risk of her getting sick. She just really wants to be able to be here and enjoy Thanksgiving with us. She is excited to meet you and can tell you all about it. Thanks for understanding and making her feel comfortable here."

How is that for a start? Good luck!

[MistressIsis]

you guys are the best! We're each going to have our own cabin so I can cook once I get there. Big soutern kinda family so I don't wanna step on toes being a yankee & all. (sorry, that still cracks me up)

Great suggestions & happygirl, I think I'll print out your notes.

[happygirl]

hey girl,

In general, I have found people to bend over backwards to make me feel welcome. Yes, there are always some, and it is hard for some people to grasp this. I think a lot of it comes with 1. who it is and 2. how it is presented. I think the two most effective things that I learned is 1. to stand firm, show that it is not negotiatable, do not eat things that you are not 110% comfortable with. and 2. to stress that this is not that bad, because if you eat this way, you are just as healthy as anyone else. That it is more important to you to spend time happily with those you want, and that then you dont have to worry about getting sick. (that will win you points too-because they will be touched that you want to get to know them!)

I was diagnosed while going to graduate school in Auburn AL...I understand the southern thang

And, also---if this relationship continues and you spend more time with his family, you will be able to judge if his mom (or whoever cooks) "gets it" and maybe in time, you two could cook together so "some" things would be safe. I am lucky to have my family and Eric's family that learned quickly, and follow every rule to a T (and keep safe butters, etc. for me to minimize cross contamination). I have friends that I trust to cook safely for me. On the other hand, I have friends that are incredibly caring and who "almost" get it...but not quite. I simply can't eat anything they prepare...but, I just put it in a way that doesn't put it on them (Oh, don't worry, I'll just bring something along-I just want to have a good time and not worry about getting sick).

I have learned that people take their guides from you. I acknowledge to people that it can be hard sometimes, but that I'm grateful that I figured out what it was, so now I eat differently and can live my life.

I also remember to change the subject at some point---specifically! Sometimes people care so much that they want to know everything. It is important for me to have others get to know ME, besides the Celiac.

I hope this helps and hope you have a great thanksgiving with his family!

[NicoleAJ]

I totally agree with Laura's advice about how your boyfriend should address the issue to his parents so that they don't feel a reason to dislike you right off the bat.

Once you know his family a bit better, it will become much easier. I'm spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's family this year, and they already know the drill. His mom is waiting to go grocery shopping until we fly out there, so that we can make a few of the things gluten free for me while still making her glutenous family holiday classics (they are also a southern family even though they live in San Francisco now and I'm a yankee too). I'm going to make a turkey breast in one of those disposable pans when they make their turkey, and then I'll make my own stuffing and gravy, but I'll be able to eat the vegetables and salad, etc. She has been wonderful about accomodating my needs in the past, and the thing that has meant more than anything to me is the fact that my boyfriend always explains things in kind ways so that I don't have to feel awkward about anything.

[MistressIsis]

Amazing to me is that strangers are more pleasant than family! My mother's been really good and last year made me all my own food, even stuffing (wasn't good but she tried & that's what mattered to me)

Turns out we decided we're not gonna meet each others families on a big holiday, many reasons and all valid on both sides. So we'll do bits at each visit. I think in the long run that'll be easier anyway both for the importance of it and them getting used to me either bringing food or just not eating.

Funny, he was nervous about them asking me too may questions in general & I was worried about the gluten.

You're right, there is a point were you HAVE to change the subject because someone always ask, "What EXACTLY does it do to you?" I've started saying "intestinal damage, trust me that's all you want to know."

We did talk about him writing out recipes of stuff he really likes to cook so I can go over it & tell him what needs to be altered. Would definitely be easier if we saw each other more so until then it's repetitive info.

AHH! The throwaways! I'd forgotten about those! I'm going back East for T-day & I will definitely grab some of those for my family day

[ajay]

Amazing to me is that strangers are more pleasant than family! My mother's been really good and last year made me all my own food, even stuffing (wasn't good but she tried & that's what mattered to me)

Turns out we decided we're not gonna meet each others families on a big holiday, many reasons and all valid on both sides. So we'll do bits at each visit. I think in the long run that'll be easier anyway both for the importance of it and them getting used to me either bringing food or just not eating.

Funny, he was nervous about them asking me too may questions in general & I was worried about the gluten.

You're right, there is a point were you HAVE to change the subject because someone always ask, "What EXACTLY does it do to you?" I've started saying "intestinal damage, trust me that's all you want to know."

We did talk about him writing out recipes of stuff he really likes to cook so I can go over it & tell him what needs to be altered. Would definitely be easier if we saw each other more so until then it's repetitive info.

AHH! The throwaways! I'd forgotten about those! I'm going back East for T-day & I will definitely grab some of those for my family day

This sounds like a fine plan to me. There's enough stress involved in "meeting the folks" without meeting them on a holiday that is (more than any other) all about food! I love the recipe exchange idea.

Good luck!