Fuming...mil Doesn't 'get It'!

[tarnalberry]

Above all else, I think it's important for YOU to tell her that you appreciate her sentiment, but you choose not to eat those items because they make you sick. If she makes her "it's worth it" comment, you tell her that "It's not worth it to me. It is not my choice." If she makes a "a little won't hurt you" comment, you say "I choose not to hurt myself by eating even a little. That's my choice."

The key thing here is not to fight over what is right but to make it clear what your choice is. She can't force feed you; she can't shove it down your throat. She can disapprove all she likes, but her opinion and her choice to disrespect you not even worthy of remembering.

[2kids4me]

since she is sooo religious (and I am Catholic)

tell her it would be offensive to God for you to cause harm to your body by ingesting gluten knowing it would damage the gift of life HE has given you.... and then walk away.....

Sandy

[almostnrn]

Sandy, well put indeed! More than anything else, I'm sorry that you (or anyone for that matter) has to deal with someone like that. I am also very sorry for her....being that angry and mean spirited is no way to live a life. Don't let her drag you down, besides it will only make her more mad to see you happy and thriving and healthy!

[Rad3737]

Re: mean people.

In one of Dr. Phil's books he made a statement that was life changing for me: "People only treat us the way we allow them to treat us". And Dr. Laura's statement: "We are the gatekeepers of who we allow in our lives".

Eight years ago I pulled myself away from two mean sisters. It used to be their evilness was always done covertly, but for my father's 80th birthday they deliberately left my name off the birthday invitation sent to over 200 people, even though I'd paid my share of the party.

MEAN people have an unfortunate personality disorder that most likely will never change. They see the world differently than the rest of us. When I was younger I was taught to tolerate these people. But the older I get, the less years I have to live; I now choose not to allow anyone in my life that is negative. AND my quality of life is better for it.

What your MIL did re: the torte was malicious. Nice people have trouble accepting that someone could be so deliberate in their evil intentions and that's where the evil people have the edge until we (the nice people) wake up.

God bless, Dianna

[anerissara]

...and you have a better chance of hitting her with the torte from there too

ROTFL....that is soooo funny!

BTW, I love your name TriticusToxicum. Clever!

You guys are all great, these are some really helpful responses. Sissy, my MIL is usually pretty good about gluten with my son, although she doesn't see him very often and when she does it's usually because I've invited them over for dinner...so *I* am the one cooking the meal

I love the Dr. Phil/Dr. Laura responses, I think that's exactly the problem here. I have always just bent over backwards for my MIL, and pretty much done anything I can for her. Dh and I are the "glue" in the family, as far as always being the ones to get people together, invite people over, etc. I am starting to see that I have really set myself up for problems because of the way we've always sacrificed for family....not that I think being committed to family is bad, but when you're the only ones who are it isn't a good thing! Now people just take for granted that we will change *our* lives and schedules around to accomidate family, and I am really realizing that it's not a good thing for us. Since we changed churches and the "holy war" broke out, my MIL's treatment of me has become so bad that I can't be around her much, and we've backed way off from family. Now people are mad because we aren't getting the family together all the time! Sigh.

I let my MIL really walk over me this summer, she did something just horrible to me and nobody really called her on it....I had her come over and sat down and told her how hurt I was by her actions, but she didn't really accept that--just did one of those "well I'm sorry if you were offended by my actions" without actually admitting she'd done anything wrong. She's never really had to face the truth of the matter, that she's really been treating me horribly. My dh didn't call her on it either, I think he's still somehow wrapped up in his family garbage (he's always been the one his mother leaned on, and I feel like he's still tangled up in her issues). He's mad about it but he just avoids her. Anyway, now that she's gotten away with something as nasty as what she did she apparently just feels like she can say or do whatever she wants. It's my own fault for letting her (and I must admit I'm putting some blame on dh as well...I'd never let my mother treat him the way she's treating me!) and now I have to figure out how to stand my ground without coming down to her level. And the 'holy war' doesn't help because I feel like I have to be super careful so she doesnt' have ammunition against my choice of churches....and of course she's looking for that all over the place!

Sorry, venting again...this whole situation is really bugging me, the torte was just the icing on the cake

And, I probably will need to explain to her again that expensive, European gluten will make me just as sick as gluten from a slice of apple pie eaten at the local greasy spoon diner! Frankly, I'd probably eat the pie first...not that I don't appreciate a good chocolate torte, but I've gotten really good at making flourless chocolate tortes at home and I don't miss that sort of treat....it's the pie crust, or maybe a really good slice of gluten-full black forest chocolate cake....that I miss now! Not that even those things would be worth the consequenses, though.

[par18]

I have found that in most cases it is not whether or not they get it more than they just don't care. The fact that I look and feel healthy causes them no alarm. When I tell them I'm on this diet they start to feel sorry for me like it is the worst possible thing that could have happened. I have a laugh inside at their expense. As far as people like you MIL are concerned Forrest Gump said it best "Stupid is as stupid does".

Tom

[almostnrn]

MEAN people have an unfortunate personality disorder that most likely will never change. They see the world differently than the rest of us.

Geesh, why can't someone come up with a diet to fix mean people, the would would be such a better place!

[anerissara]

Geesh, why can't someone come up with a diet to fix mean people, the would would be such a better place!

LOL

Although I think a pill might be a better option, or maybe a dart that could be shot from a safe distance. I have yet to meet a mean person who believed they had a problem so sticking with the diet would be a real problem With the dart option, however, we could all become "snipers for peace"!

[ajay]

Sorry, venting again...this whole situation is really bugging me, the torte was just the icing on the cake

And, I probably will need to explain to her again that expensive, European gluten will make me just as sick as gluten from a slice of apple pie eaten at the local greasy spoon diner!

"the icing on the cake?!" Thanks a lot, I just splurted tea all over my keyboard...

I don't think it's worth explaining it to her, anerissara. She said she knew it would make you sick. And chosing to bring you something that you can (and do) make a safe version of anyway may have been part of the, er, torture. I mean really, who brings a torte across an ocean?! And it's not like she went to the homeland of Sachertortes or anything. Since when is a torte a souvenir of Rome?

I'm a big believer in lovely fantasy responses. But of course, everyone here is right, they're called "fantasy responses" for a reason. I have a stepmother who is an absolute master at making apparently offhand comments that are actually direct personal stabs. Usually I'm too shocked to do anything but blink, but after the fact I come up with all sorts of juicy retorts.

I really like Sandy's comment. It does seem wrong to 1) accept that G-d made you exactly as you are, celiac and all, and yet 2) directly harm the body that you have been given. What if celiac is meant to be a challenge in your life?

Sounds to me like you need to put some distance between yourself and this um, rather interesting family. It also sounds like it will be a difficult process. Perhaps your health makes it difficult for you to be arranging the family get-togethers these days. [you don't have to explain that you mean your mental health, right? ]

Dunno if it helps, but sometimes when my stepmom is talking, I think of circus clown music in my head. Or Mancini's "Baby Elephant Walk," which I also find suitably comical.

[dragonmom]

Is the torte still whole? Christmas is just around the corner- and I'm sure your MIL liked it so much that she wouldn't mind getting it back.

[debmidge]

Sandy: love your retort! (sorry for the pun)

MIL sounds absolutely EVIL - Cruella DeVille

inlaws + distance = perfect together

[julie5914]

Wow, I get frustrated with my in-laws sometimes with eating out because I get the feeling they feel it is a nuisance and that I am just being picky. However, they would never give me something with gluten on purpose, and they definitely try their best when feeding me, which I appreciate very much.

I agree with the earlier post that your mil has control problems. Especially if your husband is afraid to talk to her. It also sounds like despite what you have told her, she equates gluten intolerance with lactose intolerance, where, unlike celiac, there is only a short term consequence and no intestinal damage (that I know of, anyway). Also sounds like she is not getting that it is an autoimmune disease with many more symptoms than just an upset stomach.

I imagine that goes along with the control thing and the church thing - she can't understand or accept how people are different from her.

I think the best real reaction to have is to 1. Pray for her (but don't tell her you are because that sounds condescending ) 2. Use "I" language around her - "I like..." "I feel that this church is the best fit..." instead "you.." or "everyone/people..." 3. When around her, be an example for her. Say positive things about other people, esp. the things that make them unique. 4. Continue to show interest and appreciation for the things she likes when you have to be around her, but only to validate her interests/opinions, not to agree or conform to them.

If she ever gives you something with gluten again, just say, "oh I'm sure (husband name) will enjoy this, but my doctor would be quite upset if I did. I appreciate the thought though." Because she did buy something for you, she just wasn't exceptionally thoughtful with the gift.

Some people don't know what they've got till it's gone. I'm very close to my grandma on my dad's side, who has always been a bit controlling, but as the grandkid I don't get much of that. However, she drove my mother crazy a lot of the time. My mom was always gracious though. My parents are divorced now (not because of my grandma - my dad is way crazier), and my grandma is always telling me how much she misses my mom and how she was the best daughter-in-law, so thoughful and so great to talk to. Go figure.