Family Gatherings At Restaurants

[SofiEmiMom]

Myself and my children are intolerant to gluten, casein, soy and corn - that being said, it is extremely difficult to eat out. Today we went to the Baptism of one of my husband's relatives new baby. I had RSVP'd and said that we would be at the church but we wouldn't be attending the dinner afterwards which was at an Italian Restaurant. I had gotten the answering machine when RSVP'ing so I didn't talk to the host directly. We got to the church just as it was beginning so we sat right down, not talking to anyone. Afterwards I got up to say Hello to everyone and my husbands Aunt (the grandmother of the baby being baptized) was very cold to me - and she normally isn't. I could tell right away something was wrong. Within our conversation she says, "My daughter said you're not going to the restaurant - is that true?" I said "Yes, it's very difficult for us to eat out" She says back in a very irritated tone, "Well, we could have done something to accomodate you." I told her how I appreciated that but, again, based on my history of attempts to eat out and getting sick I didn't want to risk it. She then asks my husband, "Well are you at least coming?" He of course said no bacause he didn't want to go because his family couldn't (I wouldn't have minded if he did go, btw, it was his decision). She stopped the discussion by saying, "I'm going to see the baby" and walked away. As we were leaving and had gotten ourselves in the car and just about ready to pull away, his Aunt walks up and knocks on my window, I roll it down and she barks, "Next time I want you to bring carry out to our functions, all right?"

I was hurt by all of this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel like I have enough to contend with and then I'm given a hard time on top of it all. I felt that we were there at the church to congratulate the parents and show our love for the occasion and that's what mattered. I WANTED to be able to go the restaurant, but I can't eat anything and our children are 2 and 4 and they can't eat anything so I would just end up chasing my two young children around the restaurant while the rest of the family is sitting together and eating. How fun would that be? I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter. And I was wondering how others handle situations like this where there are family gatherings at restaurants. Thanks so much.

[Guest PastorDave]

Hello. I can not say that I can really relate, because my family is extremely supportive (my mom is Celiac as well), as is my wife's family. The joy of eating out is giving the waiter a hard time being very specific in what we order. If your family embarasses easy, having dinner out with you once might discourage other occasion, just be reallllly picky (ie. "make sure there are no croutons on that salad" and if they goof and put that mandatory bread stick on the plate, send the whole thing back "I'm sorry but even a little will make me extremely sick, can you make up a whole new plate with absolutly not breads" ) It might mean sitting through an entire italian meal (don't you miss good italian) eating only a plain salad (be sure to order the most pathetic looking salad, just lettuce with maybe a tomato floating around...you can eat when you get home, and look all sad when they dine on linguini ), but the family might understand how difficult it is. I wouldn't reccomend bringing the kids along, though, why torture them??? Ok so it might not work, but sometimes people just don't think how hard it is to eat out, maybe one meal with you at a restaurant would make them realize that life is not always easy with gluten insensetivities.

Take care...have fun with it...embarras the living daylights out of them...sometimes a little shock therapy is good for you.

[Guest PastorDave]

ps. my wife read this and wants me to point out that it would be a good idea to tip the waiter really well for being an unwitting partner in this shock therapy...after all it's not his fault.

[wclemens]

Hi,

Thank you for providing such a good laugh as I read your reply! I can just picture the occasion of shock therapy for the whole family. It brings back so many memories of eating out during the past 30 years or so, or even of just eating at the homes of relatives and friends. Thank God the whole ordeal becomes so much easier once we put eating into its proper perspective, such as: "Eat to live, don't live to eat."

I eat out only occasionally now, and last week I was able to finally just chuckle when I ordered refried beans with no cheese, then received my beans with cheese, so ordered a second time, same order. When the second plate of beans had cheese too, I simply pushed them aside and ravenously ate the rest of my meal, which was so delicious. I knew then that life was getting so much better.

I take great effort now to make sure that even if I'm tired after working, I still go to the market and make sure I have all the food I need at home, and it makes such a difference in my thinking and attitude, to know that I have taken good care of myself. I spread my fruit all across the kitchen counter to ripen, enjoying the beautiful colors and fragrances they provide, and I marvel at the fact that each one is so readily used, usually needing only to be peeled or the seeds removed. That sure beats boiling water for pasta and cooking spaghetti or marinara sauce for hours, as in years past. Even broiling a steak, baking or microwaving a chicken, or heating up a corn tortilla and refried beans is easier than cooking was before the removal of gluten from my diet (oh yes, and I had to remove all milk and dairy products, egg whites and yeast too).

However, feeling good now takes priority over eating delicacies, and I even feel comfortable eating out with friends or family, because I know I can always have a hamburger without the bun, or a chicken breast and salad, or something. Living with Celiac gets so much easier when you begin feeling good again.

Welda

[darlindeb25]

i have to add something here sofiemimom---some people will never change--this aunt may always behave this way and i am sure that not everyone else in the family attended the meal either and what do you bet she didnt harrass them--there are just some people in the world who refuse to understand us--you can explain celiacs until you are blue in the face and they will smile and offer you something containing gluten---i know this is easier to say then do, but try to not worry about what she said--did the parents of the baby complain too--probably not--i think it is great that you stuck to your guns and it is wonderful that your husband is so supportive--he needs a big hug and kiss---deb

[FreyaUSA]

Maybe do something special for the new parents? Call them up (mentioning how angry the aunt was and that you certainly didn't mean to upset them - don't mention the aunt because really, who cares now if you upset her?) and tell them because you had to miss this opportunity to be out with them, you would love to bring dinner over to their house. My bet is that they would enjoy it 100xs more than a dinner out at a restaurant at this point. Don't make a big deal about it being a gluten-free meal, they'll probably never notice (except how much better it tastes because we're notorious at using everything fresh rather premixed and processed.)

Btw, stick to your guns! If that aunt insists you attend places, make counter demands like, ONLY if it's Outbacks or, if they'd rather, PF Changs (if you have one near you.) Your health and that of your children is not tradeable for family harmony.

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

That's very sad to hear and this is very difficult to handle. I just think, that if this aunt is that way, she will hardly change. I already made experience like that myself. I always print stuff out from message boards like celiac.com and give them to read and try to get into a talk with them to explain celiac. If they are stubborn i don't go on explaining it and dump them, because why should i try to get them to understand, if they don't want to?

I picture myself right now in a situation like this and if you believe it or not, people are stupid sometimes. I already got stupid answers like, but you can have just plain noodles and cut the sauce out, if it's thickened with flour. I have a lot of patience, but i usually explode when i get answers like that. And even if i don't want to, it shoots right out of me like 'what do you think noodles are made of, dummy?'. Don't laugh, it already happened to me. Or i sent e-mails to all my friends a few weeks ago, explaining that and one of my buddies wrote back 'Just eat junk food'. They don't mean to be ignorant, they just don't know in what foods are gluten in. Heck, i didn't even know, when i started this special diet. Or when i get replies like, just order a steak or poultry, in meat is no gluten right? Then i explain them, that in marinade or mixed spices also can be gluten in or that the meat can be injected with broth (which is thickened with flour or added with spice mixes) from the manufacturer to stay juicy. But this aunt replied, that you should bring your own stuff next time. This very aunt would regret that, if she would have said that to me. She doesn't know, if the restaurant doesn't want people to bring their own stuff, does she??? If i were you, next time, when there are festivities like that, i would make a huge fest meal for me and my kids and bring everything to the restaurant (make sure, that this aunt is coming). Take one complete table (right next to this aunt), spread everything out, order some drinks from the waiter and then would start to eat. Just to embarass them. And if the restaurant complains i would point at the aunt and would explain, that she WANTS YOU (that's what she said, right?) to bring your own stuff, next time they have a family fest. I would blame it on her. That would be fun. She would never do that again, believe me.

Thanks got i have a very understanding family and the best support i already got so far is from my mother in law, which i really appreciate. I got so much better with her help now and i have a very nice husband, who tries to understand and help, even if he's grouchy sometimes. But it's getting better. My mother in law even makes the thanksgiving meals completely to my needs. So i'm not excluded from the family. That's the best support one with celiac can get. But at the beginning i also had a hard time to explain myself all the time. Don't give up. It's very hard for other people to understand, even if they want to. And they keep forgetting, that this disease isn't an allergy and that even a little bit will hurt. And if they try, be patient with them, if they make mistakes at the beginning. Don't forget, you weren't perfect yourself, when you first learnt about celiac. It's the same disaster for them.

I wish you the best of luck and that these people in your life will understand you better in the future. If not, don't run after them, you have enough friends, you don't really need them.

Lots of greetings, Stef

[tarnalberry]

Honestly, in situations like these, I eat ahead of time, and simply don't order. They can think what they want to think, but all I need to know is how to avoid getting sick. Of course, it's easier to do that after being on the diet for a while and getting past the initial anger. ;-) Don't let her get to you too much - remember that what they cared most about was having you there... well, "having the whole family there", and some people will never be able to understand certain restrictions until they have to live with them.

[kabowman]

I plan on eating ahead for my husband's holiday gatherings - it is just going to be easier than trying to find something I can eat at a "buffet" type of resturaunt (yuck!!!) and I am going to visit, I never did like the food at places like that anyway.

-Kate

[dbuhl79]

I Just had to reply to this. I'm not officialy part of the gluten-free club, but I couldn't resist responding to this one!

Its just unfortunate that Celiac Disease isn't something commonly understood or known about. It's unfortunate that this aunt reacted in such an inappropriate and unkind manner towards you and your family. And she left herself looking like quite the fool not you. I think everyone's had some excellent suggestions! Just take comfort in the fact that you did what was right and healthy for you and your family and be delighted your husband supported you in this decision.

If you are overly concerned with the parents of this new infant being upset for your inability to attend the dinner, Iw ould do as one poster recommended and offer to bring them dinner (what new parent wouldn't appreciate this!) and apologize again for being unable to attend, but you would be delighted to partake in a more intimate personal dinner with them. And you're right, the whole point was for you to be there and support and witness their child being baptized. Not to socialize with extended family, not to appease other family members. Its just unfortunate the Aunt didn't understand this. Its like those that attend the wedding and are unable to go to the wedding reception. The wedding ceremony itself I feel is of more importance than the wedding or celebration afterwards. Its not as though you failed to go to the baptism but showed up for the food later! She should be greatful!

Alas, I wish you luck with future encounters. And just remind yourself she's the ignorant one and you've done nothing wrong.

The key here is they don't understand. They may never understand. As simple as it may seem.

Hope all of our responses have helped you out and reaffirmed your decision!

Dana