My Husband Just Doesn't Understand

[kali-mist]

My husband is really starting to piss me off. He just doesn't seem to understand how hard the gluten free diet is when he is basically working against me. He keeps making sandwiches all over the place and not wiping up after himself. He says since I'm the one with the problem I should just wipe down every surface before I use it. I've told him that the new glass cutting board I bought is supposed to be gluten free but everyday without fail there are bread crumbs on it. I've designated pots and pans and spoons and whatnot to be his for when he makes gluten containing food, but I catch him using my stuff all the time. I wish I could just ban gluten from the house but that would be selfish, especially since we live with a roommate (who also leaves bread crumbs all over the place). I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I was glutened a few days ago and have been throwing up and feeling like s**t for the last 3 days and yesterday he freaks out on me for being sick. He says I should go to the doctor if I'm so sick but I try to tell him that I've been glutened and there is nothing a doctor can do for me. In his defense I can be pretty difficult to be around when I've been glutened. I know this post probably doesn't make much sense (I've got a major case of brain fog) but I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I get my husband and roommate to contain their gluten foods to one part of the counter?

[Gemini]

My husband is really starting to piss me off. He just doesn't seem to understand how hard the gluten free diet is when he is basically working against me. He keeps making sandwiches all over the place and not wiping up after himself. He says since I'm the one with the problem I should just wipe down every surface before I use it. I've told him that the new glass cutting board I bought is supposed to be gluten free but everyday without fail there are bread crumbs on it. I've designated pots and pans and spoons and whatnot to be his for when he makes gluten containing food, but I catch him using my stuff all the time. I wish I could just ban gluten from the house but that would be selfish, especially since we live with a roommate (who also leaves bread crumbs all over the place). I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I was glutened a few days ago and have been throwing up and feeling like s**t for the last 3 days and yesterday he freaks out on me for being sick. He says I should go to the doctor if I'm so sick but I try to tell him that I've been glutened and there is nothing a doctor can do for me. In his defense I can be pretty difficult to be around when I've been glutened. I know this post probably doesn't make much sense (I've got a major case of brain fog) but I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I get my husband and roommate to contain their gluten foods to one part of the counter?

What you need to do is to take control because you're the one who HAS to! Don't feel guilty for giving them tough love but both your husband and roommate need an attitude adjustment, pronto. Why are you feeling guilty over the thought of banning gluten from the house? Considering it's poison to your system, there should be no guilt on your part. I would outline for them what they have to do to ensure you do not get sick and make it plain that if the rules are not followed, the roommate should look for another place to live......maybe with your husband as they are both being inconsiderate regarding your health! Not trying to sound harsh but they need a kick in the pants!

I wish you luck and hope you feel better soon!

[Pyro]

Sit him down, and show him this site. Gather a bunch of topics from all the sections you find applicable and let him read up on other people's experiences and what you are going through.

If he still doesn't get it, throw your best cutlery at him!

[Phyllis28]

I have a gluten limited house, basically bread and cereal are the only gluten items in my house. My husband has sandwich making station out side of the kitchen. It consists of an apartment size refrigerator, a small microwave and a large kitchen cart. The cart has cabinets in it. All his utentsils, plates and cooking items are in this cart in addition to the food. I have color coded cutting boards. Mine are white and his are colored. My silverware has white handles and his is all silver. I have my own dishes in cream color. All the rest are his. I do all the cooking so I don't need to worry about pots but if I did his would be in his cart.

Hope this gives you some additional ideas on how to segregate the gluten in your household.

[dandelionmom]

My husband sometimes struggles in the "understanding department" too. He wants the best for me but this whole gluten thing is hard to get even for me who suffers the reactions so I can only imagine how hard it is for him. I think my husband most struggles with the thought that our daughter and I will never really be "all better."

Just tell him what you need (-be nice to me when I'm sick -help me get better faster by being careful with your crumbs).

One solution for crumbs: have him make his sandwich on a plate in the sink. The crumbs can be washed right down the drain.

Edited to add: I don't mean to make it sound like my husband isn't wonderful; he is!

[kali-mist]

Thanks for the helpfull tips. One great thing about this forum is that you know you are not the only one going through all this stuff and that really helps. I'm not sure if my hubby and roommate will go for some of these suggestions though. They are of the mind that since I'm the one with the problem I'm the one who should make all the changes and nothing has to change for them. I just need to find some way to get it through to them that they need to change some habits too (please keep all bread to the designated bread area!).

[JNBunnie1]

Thanks for the helpfull tips. One great thing about this forum is that you know you are not the only one going through all this stuff and that really helps. I'm not sure if my hubby and roommate will go for some of these suggestions though. They are of the mind that since I'm the one with the problem I'm the one who should make all the changes and nothing has to change for them. I just need to find some way to get it through to them that they need to change some habits too (please keep all bread to the designated bread area!).

It sounds to me like your hubby needs a wake-up call. You're his WIFE. Your health should be paramount above all else, especially since it's so relatively easy to maintain. All they have to do is pay attention. I would tell them that if they're not willing to do something as simple as PAY ATTENTION to what they're doing in order to keep you healthy, then you have to live somewhere else. I'd wear a little sign around saying "I'M YOUR WIFE, REMEMBER?" That, and I would never cook a meal for either of them again until they start behaving.

[BSinCO]

Thanks for the helpfull tips. One great thing about this forum is that you know you are not the only one going through all this stuff and that really helps. I'm not sure if my hubby and roommate will go for some of these suggestions though. They are of the mind that since I'm the one with the problem I'm the one who should make all the changes and nothing has to change for them. I just need to find some way to get it through to them that they need to change some habits too (please keep all bread to the designated bread area!).

In my kitchen, I have designated cupboards that have my food and dishes. I have my own toaster and have pretty much taken over the freezer. Maybe you could section off the kitchen so that you have your area and they have theirs. Put up signs on the cupboards, drawers, and on the counter indicating that it is your area. Leave information packets about gluten sickness on the counters that are yours so that if they go into that area they will be reminded of what they are doing to you.

I hope you feel better soon.

[VioletBlue]

Is there somewhere you can put the gluten free pots and pans and cutting board, either up on a higher shelf or outside of the kitchen or in a closet or something? It would be a pain to go get them everytime you wanted to cook, but it could be that part of the reason he uses your stuff is because he can't remember which is which or is just too darn lazy to go looking for the right one. If it's harder to get to yours maybe he won't bother? I've found that men tend to live in the moment and do what's easiest rather than considering long term consequences. They like immediate results.

Can you cover the cutting board in plastic wrap or foil, something you can remove to use it but that he would not be inclinded to bother to do? Plus it would serve as a reminder that he shouldn't be using it. Maybe stuff a little "gluten free" note under the plastic wrap so it's visible when he goes to use it Sometimes humor and or passive agressive avoidance can work as well as a knock down drag out.

The wiping the counter thing is a problem. I've wound up using a part of the kitchen counter at work that doesn't usually get used because it's further from the frig and microwave. I just let the rest of the counter accumulate crumbs and wait for the cleaning lady to come in. Is there counter space you can visually cordan off or something, maybe a big piece of paper taped to it that reads "Gluten Free Counter"? Let him clean up his own space and hopefully he eventually will? Leave crumbs alone long enough and sooner or later they grow feet and start walking.

Violet

[Phyllis28]

One coping strategy I used at home to prevent double dipping before my husband got his own sandwich making station outside the kitchen was to buy two kinds food. Examples:

cheese - sliced for him, hard cheese for me

peanut butter - brand name for him, organic for me

jelly - brand name for him, organic for me

Also, you could set up your own prep area outside the kitchen (if you have room) like the one I have for my husband only this one is gluten free for you. Mircowave, kitchen cart, small refrigerator, pots, pans, cutting boards, utensils, crockpot etc....

Hope you are able to work everything out.

[Gemini]

It sounds to me like your hubby needs a wake-up call. You're his WIFE. Your health should be paramount above all else, especially since it's so relatively easy to maintain. All they have to do is pay attention. I would tell them that if they're not willing to do something as simple as PAY ATTENTION to what they're doing in order to keep you healthy, then you have to live somewhere else. I'd wear a little sign around saying "I'M YOUR WIFE, REMEMBER?" That, and I would never cook a meal for either of them again until they start behaving.

What an excellent post! I think you are spot on with the way you feel on this and I cannot understand why some would choose the "be nice and understanding" approach. I know I would be BS if my husband treated me this way and never would put up with the attitude when it's my health and well being at stake.

I have been extremely lucky in that my husband gets it and goes out of his way to ensure I am not glutened as we have bread and some other non-gluten-free stuff mixed in with mine. It can be done successfully and you do not have to ban gluten, unless you feel that's the only way it will work. I laugh because I make my husband toast his bread in his own designated toaster OUTSIDE the kitchen but he totally understands......he remembers that I was nearly hospitalized and I do not want to repeat that experience again!

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Warning: my opinion is going to seem extremely harsh--but it's JMHO, and I'm honestly calling it as I see it.

Personally, I think you're better off without either room-mate or husband.

Room-mates do not commit to each other for a lifetime, so it's relatively easy to "break up" with them.

Husbands, however, ARE supposed to commit to you for a lifetime. I hate to say it, but just based on what YOU have written, yours has not.

If he knows that his gluten makes you throw up and he still allows--no, BRINGS it into the house to poison you, then I'm sorry, but this man is not only worthless as a husband, but he is a serious risk to your health and well-being. . I wouldn't knowingly put a stranger at risk like that, let alone the love of my life. This smacks of abusiveness.

Get out while you still can, or at least get him to go to counseling with you so an impartial third party can see how he is KNOWINGLY putting you at severe risk. If he refuses to go with you for counseling, that confirms my suspicion that he couldn't care less about your happiness, let alone your health.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this is how I would put it to my best friend if she were going through this.

I wish you lots of luck--you're going to need it.

[neesee]

Kindness and understanding go two ways. It seems to me that most of the people who post here are selfish and self centered. If I'm worried about crumbs on the counter, I put my food together on a plate. Problem solved! The world does not revolve around me because I have celiac.

My husband is a type 2 diabetic. He doesn't scream and holler when someone brings in some sort of goodie that he can't have into the house. He deals with it.

I've lived with a shared kitchen for 20 yrs now. I don't have any problems with it. Yes my dh and kids can be messy at times. I'm still alive and doing well. I love them all very much! I'm not going to spend my time with them chewing on them about the fact that I have celiac. Life is short. My mom died when I was 30. I miss her every day. I would never treat her the way you all say you treat your families. It's not their fault that you have celiac.

Sometimes I think you are just mad at them because they can eat gluten. I'm happy for them. I wish I could eat it too, but I know I can't.

I'm a classic celiac. I'm 4'10 1/2" tall. I weighed 78 lbs at dx. My cholesterol was 96. I could no longer eat anything at all. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks before they figured it out. When I was discharged I was on 50,000 ius of Aquasol A, 50,000 ius of drisdol, b12 shots, high doses of b vitamins in general, and 300 mgs of zantac twice a day.

My dh helped me and supported me every step of the way throughout my recovery. That was about a year. I didn't feel better in 3 days. lol. I wish I had. The least I can do is be pleasant and love and accept him just the way he is. I don't need him to change for me.

neesee

[celiac-mommy]

My dh helped me and supported me every step of the way throughout my recovery.

I think the difference here is that your husband is supportive and hers is NOT. I'm sorry too, but I have to go with fiddle-faddle, (maybe not leave, but get more drastic) I've been reading this from the beginning, and thinking the same thing. It doesn't appear, from what you wrote that he has your best interest at heart. It's one thing to not be able to understand (which I get)but it's completely another thing to be a complete a**hole about it and disregard the situation. He's hurting you-plain and simple-based on what you wrote-

[neesee]

If Julie's husband is the true *sshole she says he is, then the issue isn't her celiac at all! It never was. Maybe it's time for a divorce. However if she loves him, she should ignore all the lousy advice she has received.

neesee

[celiac-mommy]

If Julie's husband is the true *sshole she says he is, then the issue isn't her celiac at all! It never was. Maybe it's time for a divorce.

neesee

I agree completely.

[cruelshoes]

I think there are 3 kinds of glutenings when living in a mixed house:

1. Not realizing that a little can hurt you. You can combat this by providing information from this site or others that explains that even a crumb of gluten can stop or even reverse the healing process. Dr. Peter Green's Book is a great one for explaining that a little can hurt you

2. Bring careless with the crumbs You can combat this in several ways. You can ask them to clean up after themselves. If they won't, you can put down a paper towel or piece of waxed paper on the counter before preparing your food. Use disposable wipes for the kitchen so you are not contaminating your surfaces with crumbs over and over. Buy condiments like jelly, mayo etc. in squeeze containers or designating certain ones for your use only.

3. Willfull glutenings If you have done all you can to get them to clean up after themselves, and you think they are doing it on purpose, you can combat it this way. The next time they gluten you and you feel like throwing up, lean in to your husband for a loving hug and blow chunks all over his lap. This would certainly get the message across.

I am neither self-centered nor selfish. I do not expect the world to revolve around my diagnosis. I do, however, expect common courtesy from others. Corralling your crumbs (gluten or not) is just polite.

[BSinCO]

My husband is a type 2 diabetic. He doesn't scream and holler when someone brings in some sort of goodie that he can't have into the house. He deals with it.

I don't think it is selfish to ask for space to keep yourself healthy, and expect the person you married to respect that for you benefit.

The example given is very different from what was describe. You do not have guests coming into your home and putting sugary products into your husbands food. This is basically what Julie's husband and roommate are doing by using her cookware and cooking space.

[neesee]

Colleen.... I was not refering to you! I know you better than that.

neesee

[neesee]

My husband is a type 2 diabetic. He doesn't scream and holler when someone brings in some sort of goodie that he can't have into the house. He deals with it.

I don't think it is selfish to ask for space to keep yourself healthy, and expect the person you married to respect that for you benefit.

The example given is very different from what was describe. You do not have guests coming into your home and putting sugary products into your husbands food. This is basically what Julie's husband and roommate are doing by using her cookware and cooking space.

No, they put it right in his hands! Do you know how difficult that is for him? I think it's downright cruel. But the truth is they just don't seem to know any better. They figure a little won't hurt. Well, it does.

Type 1 diabetes killed my mother! I can deal with celiac. Diabetes is much more difficult.

neesee

[ravenwoodglass]

No, they put it right in his hands! Do you know how difficult that is for him? I think it's downright cruel. But the truth is they just don't seem to know any better. They figure a little won't hurt. Well, it does.

neesee

"It seems to me that most of the people who post here are selfish and self centered."

First, I feel this previous comment was really out of line. Most of the people that post here are far from selfish or self centered. The number one board rule is to be respectful of others.

As to your comparison of diabetes and celiac they really are not comparable. He may want that treat but he won't get sick for a month from them putting it in his hands. He won't get a toxic substance all over surfaces that he might then touch and make himself sick for a month. He can just put that treat down.

I know how tough diabetes is, my grandfather was scheduled to have his feet amputated due to type 1 and then died before they could do it. I have a BIL who came to dinner twice over the holidays he is also an insulin dependant diabetic and he had to deal with having his cookies and our cookies right next to each other on a plate. He reached over out 'sugar ones' and grabbed his. They were all gluten free. If his were wheat flour diabetic cookies and ours were gluten-free they couldn't have even shared the same plate without making the rest of us sick.

People who make their homes gluten free, or close to it, and restrict the toxin are not doing it because they are selfish. They do it because they don't want to be sick. I know I can't afford a GI bleed and weeks of pain just because someone doesn't want to be careful.

[BSinCO]

"It seems to me that most of the people who post here are selfish and self centered."

First, I feel this previous comment was really out of line. Most of the people that post here are far from selfish or self centered. The number one board rule is to be respectful of others.

As to your comparison of diabetes and celiac they really are not comparable. He may want that treat but he won't get sick for a month from them putting it in his hands. He won't get a toxic substance all over surfaces that he might then touch and make himself sick for a month. He can just put that treat down.

I know how tough diabetes is, my grandfather was scheduled to have his feet amputated due to type 1 and then died before they could do it. I have a BIL who came to dinner twice over the holidays he is also an insulin dependant diabetic and he had to deal with having his cookies and our cookies right next to each other on a plate. He reached over out 'sugar ones' and grabbed his. They were all gluten free. If his were wheat flour diabetic cookies and ours were gluten-free they couldn't have even shared the same plate without making the rest of us sick.

People who make their homes gluten free, or close to it, and restrict the toxin are not doing it because they are selfish. They do it because they don't want to be sick. I know I can't afford a GI bleed and weeks of pain just because someone doesn't want to be careful.

Thank you for getting us back on track. We are all here to give and receive support. The last thing we need is to feel selfish for wanting to be healthy.

I talked to my husband about this thread and he asked if he was doing enough to keep me safe and offered several suggestions on ways he could do even better. He has been wonderfully supportive while I have been going through this life altering change.

Julie, I hope what you get out of this strand is that you are not selfish for wanting your own space. You deserve to live in a healthy environment where those around you care about your wellbeing. Do what you have to to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

BS

[celiac-mommy]

You deserve to live in a healthy environment where those around you care about your wellbeing. Do what you have to to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

YES!!!!

Whatever we can do to help. That's just what we're all trying to do, no matter how it comes across sometimes.....

[neesee]

Thank you for getting us back on track. We are all here to give and receive support. The last thing we need is to feel selfish for wanting to be healthy.

I talked to my husband about this thread and he asked if he was doing enough to keep me safe and offered several suggestions on ways he could do even better. He has been wonderfully supportive while I have been going through this life altering change.

Julie, I hope what you get out of this strand is that you are not selfish for wanting your own space. You deserve to live in a healthy environment where those around you care about your wellbeing. Do what you have to to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

BS

I was trying to be supportive! Just because a person has celiac does not entitle them to be mean and nasty. People won't like you!

neesee

[neesee]

I don't really have a problem with non celiac gluten intolerent people. I felt ganged up on and I lashed out.

My son is gluten free without a diagnosis and he definately needs to stay that way.

Denise