Relationship W/ A "non-gluten-free" Person

[ashylu929]

I am newly diagnosed with Celiac disease. My boyfriend is VERY VERY supportive, caring, and concerned. However, I worry that he will get sick of me never feeling well (as lately I have been constantly feeling like crap, even after going gluten-free.) Also, I don't want him to stop eating things that HE loves because of me. He is totally supportive of this all and offers to take me to get food, see doctors, tells me to get rest, etc. But, I dont ever want to be a burden or hassle on people, like him...or my mom/anyone who ever should cook for me. I guess for some reason I just have a guilt thing going on! For instance, he loves pizza. More than any food on the planet! But, I know that he hesitates to order it because of me. Then I feel bad. I know he'd be healthier for NOT eating it, but that isn't the issue. Also, lately I have been so tired and feeling icky that a lot of the time we spend together is me laying around. He would never say it frustrates him but I have to wonder if it does. He says he loves me and the whole package, everything that comes along with it, but I can't help feeling bad....our favorite activity on weekends was to go out to different restaurants and try new places and new foods....and now, going out to eat is so frustrating for me. Probably for him, too, though he'd never say anything. Anyone have any advice?

[DarkIvy]

Stop feeling guilty. Seriously. It won't get you anywhere.

DO count your lucky stars that you've been blessed with someone who is as supportive as your bf is, because many people aren't as lucky as you in that respect.

When I first went gluten-free, my bf was pretty supportive as well, and I too, felt kind of guilty. You know what? Two years later we're still together. It's fine. He didn't get "sick" of it, and he still eats whatever he wants. That said, he's used to the gluten-free diet and generally eats what I eat and loves my cooking, so he doesn't really mind. We have a pretty simple rule about him bringing gluten into the kitchen: he can have it as long as he cleans the mess up. It's not a big deal anymore. He's one of my biggest supporters and I can't tell you how much that's helped me out!

What he might get sick of is you feeling guilty over something you can't help. I know my bf gets sick of that crap. If your bf is there for you, supporting you, helping you through this difficult time, DON'T FEEL GUILTY. You are not forcing him to be that way, obviously he cares about you and he wants to help! You're so lucky to have that. Appreciate it! If he didn't want to "deal" with you and your issues, he wouldn't. Plain and simple. This guy seems like a keeper to me

[Kylie]

I'm with DarkIvy, my boyfriend and I have been together for the past 2 years but have known each other since we were in middle school. He was there for me as a friend during the whole transition and even dated me after! The guilt is a thing I used to deal with too. No one else in my family is gluten free and neither are any of my friends, I always felt like the odd one out and the one who always changed the plans. Now I look at it as an opportunity to expand my restaurant guide and call the shots on our dates. We have the pizza issue too, he loves pizza and I can barely even stand the smell of it. He has gotten into a routine of the night before he comes to visit me (we do the long distance thing) he goes out and gets pizza and enjoys the entire thing, and then he doesn't really want pizza when he comes to see me. As for the feeling like crap, just think if the shoe was on the other foot, if he felt like crap, you would be there supporting him, so why is it any different. If he really cares about you, than it won't matter if date night goes from dinner and dancing to movies on the couch. Invest in Netflix and it will all go over fine. Be open about it, that's the best way to keep the relationship strong.

ps. my boyfriend now prefers gluten free waffles to eggo ones, try experimenting with different pizza crusts and see if you can covert your boyfriend!

[DarkIvy]

ps. my boyfriend now prefers gluten free waffles to eggo ones, try experimenting with different pizza crusts and see if you can covert your boyfriend!

Mine prefers the Gluten Freeda's brand chocolate chip cookies to the real deal, and he also likes gluten-free pasta more than wheat pasta. He doesn't feel like he's giving up anything, and I know he's being honest about that.

[MySuicidalTurtle]

It is a big learning process for the men in our lives. They should be there for us when we are sick or healthy. Now, this doesn't mean our men have to give up their food but they should be understanding, as should we.

I do not hesitate picking up a regular pizza or take out for my boyfriend when he has had a long day and is coming home late. He does not hesitate on getting me gluten-free things in the same circumstances.

We also make gluten-free versions of food we both like and have come to an agreement that it is easier to just cook gluten-free at home. I make pizza for us a lot, or soups, pastas, or whatever we are in the mood for.

With your man and friends sometimes you just need to go out to restaurants even if you don't eat. It is more about the company than the food. I don't have an issue going to restaurants with people and enjoying the conversation. It takes a few times to get used to on both ends, but there is nothing wrong with it!

I hope you get better soon and come to an arrangement with your boyfriend!

[aikiducky]

Imagine if the situation was the other way around... How sick would you get of telling your boyfriend or partner "it's ok, you don't need to feel guilty"? How about feeling appreciative (is that a word, lol) instead, everybody loves being appreciated.

Pauliina

[ashylu929]

Thank you so much! You ALL are right!! I guess deep down inside I already knew all of this, but it is quite helpful to hear it from other people!!!

Thanks again!

[ashylu929]

Stop feeling guilty. Seriously. It won't get you anywhere.

DO count your lucky stars that you've been blessed with someone who is as supportive as your bf is, because many people aren't as lucky as you in that respect.

When I first went gluten-free, my bf was pretty supportive as well, and I too, felt kind of guilty. You know what? Two years later we're still together. It's fine. He didn't get "sick" of it, and he still eats whatever he wants. That said, he's used to the gluten-free diet and generally eats what I eat and loves my cooking, so he doesn't really mind. We have a pretty simple rule about him bringing gluten into the kitchen: he can have it as long as he cleans the mess up. It's not a big deal anymore. He's one of my biggest supporters and I can't tell you how much that's helped me out!

What he might get sick of is you feeling guilty over something you can't help. I know my bf gets sick of that crap. If your bf is there for you, supporting you, helping you through this difficult time, DON'T FEEL GUILTY. You are not forcing him to be that way, obviously he cares about you and he wants to help! You're so lucky to have that. Appreciate it! If he didn't want to "deal" with you and your issues, he wouldn't. Plain and simple. This guy seems like a keeper to me

Aww thank you so much. You are totally correct in all of that. I guess I knew all of it but it does help to hear it from someone else who has dealt with the same issue. Yes, my bf IS a keeper, that's for sure. And as others said, if the roles were reversed, I'd def be there for him, too. You are so right in that he DOES get annoyed w/ my guilt/apologies. I guess I better learn to deal with it Tonight I am taking him out to dinner to show my utmost appreciation Hehe

[lobita]

My boyfriend has joked around that if we ever break up, he's going to post on here to find other gluten-free women, HEH. I know he's joking, but in a way I think he means it 'cause he kind of likes having to take care of me and finding out how to cook a certain way for me. He's actually picked up brewing gluten-free beer and mead for me. It kind of makes us, gluten-free girls, special.

But I know what you're talking about. I like to cook and he's never enjoyed restaurants (even before me), so we don't really have a problem there, but the biggest challenge has been trying to teach his parents how to cook for me. His mom's a nurse, so she's picked it up rather quickly, but his dad cooks sometimes and he's not as aware. It's the simple stuff they mess up, like not grilling the burger meat on the same grill AFTER the teryaki steak soaked in sauce I can't eat. That happened a couple of months ago and ended with his mom and dad arguing and me eating a Johnsonville brat cooked in a pan...not the best BBQ I've been to. They're learning, though.

The thing that worries me is that it sounds like you're getting gluten-ed a lot since you're feeling really crappy all the time. Make sure you're eating good gluten-free products and not exposed to CC. Also, don't kiss him if he's been eating/drinking gluten...make him brush his teeth!

[ashylu929]

My boyfriend has joked around that if we ever break up, he's going to post on here to find other gluten-free women, HEH. I know he's joking, but in a way I think he means it 'cause he kind of likes having to take care of me and finding out how to cook a certain way for me. He's actually picked up brewing gluten-free beer and mead for me. It kind of makes us, gluten-free s, special.

But I know what you're talking about. I like to cook and he's never enjoyed restaurants (even before me), so we don't really have a problem there, but the biggest challenge has been trying to teach his parents how to cook for me. His mom's a nurse, so she's picked it up rather quickly, but his dad cooks sometimes and he's not as aware. It's the simple stuff they mess up, like not grilling the burger meat on the same grill AFTER the teryaki steak soaked in sauce I can't eat. That happened a couple of months ago and ended with his mom and dad arguing and me eating a Johnsonville brat cooked in a pan...not the best BBQ I've been to. They're learning, though.

The thing that worries me is that it sounds like you're getting gluten-ed a lot since you're feeling really crappy all the time. Make sure you're eating good gluten-free products and not exposed to CC. Also, don't kiss him if he's been eating/drinking gluten...make him brush his teeth!

I don't **think** I'm getting glutened, but, I DO think it is going to take me some time to feel better, as I just started the gluten-free diet about a month ago. I just don't think I've started feeling the positive side effects yet.

Haha and yeah, I think my bf likes taking care of me, too. It just makes me feel bad!! But that's my own issue, I guess ... lol

Thanks for the input & advice, have a good wknd

[Live2BWell]

Awe, I totally understand what you are saying. It's always hard when one person in a relationship is sick,when the other isn't. I have been with my partner for over two and a half years, the majority of our relationship I haven't been very healthy - and after two years, I was diagnosed with Diabetes,Hashimotos Thyroiditis, Celiac Disease... The celiac threw us for a loop, as she is a non celiac, and I felt bad because everything was so up in the air and this was one more thing.

Ya know what? If anything she finds it interesting, and she is SO SO SO supportive. She actually enjoys exploring new gluten free items with me (although she doesn't always enjoy the foods, LoL) but that's okay. She's really open to it all, and I have to brag I make a killer gluten free pizza - that she loves !!

No need to feel guilty. Your boyfriend sounds really supportive!

[lobita]

I don't **think** I'm getting glutened, but, I DO think it is going to take me some time to feel better, as I just started the gluten-free diet about a month ago. I just don't think I've started feeling the positive side effects yet.

Ah, that explains it. Yeah, I think it took me like a year before I really started to feel human again (not to mention to get the swing of the gluten-free diet). It really does get better, though. I've been this way for almost 10 years now.

[GFinDC]

You can probably find some gluten-free friendly restaurants in your area. There is a program called GFRAP that lists restaurants that are trained in gluten-free food preparation. You find it doing a google on gfrap. There are also usually some independent restaurants in larger cities that are celiac friendly. So you don't have to give up going out to eat if you like that kind of thing.

[Bell]

I'm glad this thread started up!

I've been with my partner for 5 years, and he is very supportive of my new diagnosis. But in a way it's a different thing if you've met someone and introduce yourself from the start as being a tremendously attractive and witty person who happens to have celiac disease and is coping just fine thankyou, and presents a completely sewn up diagnosis and system of recovery and adjusting to meet the world, to FINALLY finding out your diagnosis after years of being with someone who you have shared all sorts of drunkenness and gluttony, laziness, lazy judgements of other "picky" or "faddy" eaters (maybe all the while having secret suspicions) Especially if you have had some symptoms that are not so direct until you start looking into things.

I think I've veered, for years between being "faddy" because I knew something was up,and was guessing wildly at what it might be, and then periods of acting all breezy and pretending nothing was up, while secretly being in a state of constant stomach and bowel mutiny.

My boyfriend is lovely. And I know he's worried about my intestinal issues for years. But he's probably also been worried about my mental health. - Whether I was imagining it, or pretending for attention. Or maybe secretly anorexic or bulimic or secretly abusing laxatives. He has only ever hinted at wondering these things, but I'm a bit paranoid, and can't bear to be thought of as unhinged at all!

If you have been with a partner since before diagnosis, I think things can be quite complicated. If you feel crap, it's natural to want sympathy, but if you always feel crap, it's really hard. You either edit yourself or become a moaner. In my experience the best thing is to be as honest as possible. Hang on to the diagnosis. It's made a world of difference to me emotionally. Now I don't feel paranoid or hypochondriac anymore.

PS.

If you live together, keep a separate butter dish. Ours is always full of crumbs. Bless him, he didn't get grumpy when I suggested it!

[Tallforagirl]

...in a way it's a different thing if you've met someone and introduce yourself from the start as being a tremendously attractive and witty person who happens to have celiac disease and is coping just fine thankyou, and presents a completely sewn up diagnosis and system of recovery and adjusting to meet the world, to FINALLY finding out your diagnosis after years of being with someone who you have shared all sorts of drunkenness and gluttony, laziness, lazy judgements of other "picky" or "faddy" eaters (maybe all the while having secret suspicions) Especially if you have had some symptoms that are not so direct until you start looking into things...

If you have been with a partner since before diagnosis, I think things can be quite complicated. If you feel crap, it's natural to want sympathy, but if you always feel crap, it's really hard. You either edit yourself or become a moaner.

Totally agree, I was diagnosed in October having been with my BF for a year. It has taken him a while to understand what celiac disease is about, and accept all the rigmarole that goes along with it, especially as I was asymptomatic up til very recently (I have a sister with it which prompted me to get retested, after mixed test results in 2003).

The way I look at it is that it has taken me a while to accept and get used to it (even now, I still occassionally wonder about the diagnosis, even though strong positive blood test and strong positive biopsy), so really it's not that suprising that it's taken him a while also.

We're both the type of people that would usually be quite dismissive of "picky eating", and "fad diets", so it's quite a thing to accept that you are forced to be one of those people. We've both found it hard to adjust to things like having to plan in advance to eat at a restaurant and not being able to have anything you like off the menu.