How Do You

[Rowena]

Tell an ex to back off when he won't even give you a chance to back off? So pretty much, he and his family are all trying to find ways to get us to see each other, and his mom and he have invited me to a church function where he will be speaking, each twice. Not to mention while he was away for two years he sent me a lovely (note the sarcasm) love letter. And he knew I was married! Gosh dang it. For one thing, there is a reason I broke up with you. You are a lying, hypocritical, ***************, by which I mean man. Yeah. Secondly, I'm married. Thirdly, even in the impossible chance my marriage didn't work out, I certainly would never go back to you. Thanks.

Oh and when I say he won't give me a chance to tell him, I mean, the only methods of contact I have with him is Facebook and IM (which until he sent me a nice [again sarcasm] IM I clean forgot I had him on IM). And so I sent him an IM saying, "Dude, I gotta rant. Talk to me when you get a chance." Its been three days, and I have seen him online all the time since then. And he ain't said nothing since.

[kareng]

You are married and a grown-up now. Unfriend him on FB, take him off the IM list, whatever. You don't even need to speak to him or his family except to be polite. If you see them at church, you can smile and say Hello and walk on. Really, anymore talking to him or writing him, just encourages him and demeans you. You don't have to explain yourself or get mad at him.

Obviously, he can't resist your charms. It's not your fault you are so wonderful. Its his problem.

[GlutenFreeManna]

I would cut off all communication. Unfriend him and take him off your IM. If he continues to send you love letters and phones you despite your requests to stop then it's time to call the police and get a restraining order. Also I hope you have been upfront about telling your DH ALL about this guy. Otherwise it can come back to bite you later. If the guy didn't get the hint from me, my DH would be calling him up FOR me to "politely" tell him to take a hike.

[ravenwoodglass]

Do NOT respond to anything from him. If he sends a letter send it back unopened or throw it out. By keeping him as a freind on facebook and instant messaging him you are sending mixed signals. Do as the other posters suggested doing otherwise risks problems in your marriage.

[Rowena]

So telling him to back off using every swear word in the book doesn't work? Darn. And yes I have been tempted to do that.

Oh and yes my husband knows about this... Though I don't think he grasps the idea of what this guy is doing.

[kareng]

So telling him to back off using every swear word in the book doesn't work? Darn. And yes I have been tempted to do that.

Oh and yes my husband knows about this... Though I don't think he grasps the idea of what this guy is doing.

Makes you feel better to yell at him but makes you look foolish.

Ignore him but if he starts showing up at your apt or work, talk to your dad. A lawyer in the family is a handy thing to have.

[Rowena]

I agree, lawyer in the family is QUITE handy... Helped with a number of things.

As for him showing up at my work, I don't think he even knows where I work. Never know though. He could still be that obsessed with me. (And his mom don't help none. Sometimes I think she is more obsessed with me than he is.)

[GlutenFreeManna]

So telling him to back off using every swear word in the book doesn't work? Darn. And yes I have been tempted to do that.

Oh and yes my husband knows about this... Though I don't think he grasps the idea of what this guy is doing.

Yep, don't tell him anything. He wants you to "try to contact him" to set things straight. Don't even give him the pleasure of knowing how upsetting his letter to you was. If you contact him in any way, even angrily, then he has hope that you are still secretly pining for him. You also really need to discuss the extent of what this guy is doing with your husband. Make it clear to your husband that you are worried this guy and his mom are trying to get you back and reassure your husband you have cut off all communication from your side (by unfriending him on facebook, blocking his IM's, etc). You need to talk to your husband about it because if you don't now, later on this guy may randomly show up when you are with your husband and try to pretend like you and he have something current going on. This happened to someone I know except it was a woman trying to take my friend's husband. Her husband didn't mention this other woman from his past that suddenly started working at a job close to his where she could "drop in" randomly and try to flirt with him and ask him to go to lunch, etc. One day the wife (my friend) met her husband for lunch on his lunch break and the crazy ex showed up, saw the wife and started getting mad and saying stuff like "I thought you were going to take me to lunch," etc. The other woman made it look like she was having an affair with the husband in order to try to break them up. Fortunately it didn't work, but my friend spent a lot of time being very angry at her husband for not telling her what was going on and she spent a lot of time wondering whether she could still trust him. If he had just told her before that happened that his crazy ex was showing up at his work, she would have been prepared. Fortunately his co-workers saw it all and backed the hasband's story--he had been careful to never be alone in his office with the ex, never let her touch him in a way that made it look like they were together, etc. He asked her to leave loudly enough for others to hear so that it would be obvious he wasn't interested, etc. Even with the co-workers telling my friend all this thoguh it was mess for her to sort it all out.

[msmini14]

I had an ex like this and his behavior lasted for years, he could not get over it. We tried to be friends afterwards and it just didnt work at all. The minute he found out I was dating someone he would call and leave mean text messages, show up at my work, etc.

If you have mutual friends do not tell them anything personal going on in your life. And most of stop talking to him. I had to change my phone number and block him on FB.

Sometimes these creeps like to get a rise out of you and you are giving him just that.