How Would You Handle This?

[Harpgirl]

Okay, so I take our boys to the YMCA almost every morning so that they can socialize with other kids and I can get a mommy break. At that time of day, there are a lot of seniors there for classes and other groups. I'm only 31, but I love talking with older people because I love to hear their stories and experiences when they were young. However, one fellow, Tony, is making me increasingly uncomfortable. He's divorced and probably in his 60's. At first he was ok to talk to, we actually had some things in common, both having been high school teachers. (He also seems to be hung up on the fact that we're both gemini (I don't buy into astrology at all)). He has developed this crush on me and at first, I just thought it was harmless. He knows I'm married and I've even told my hubby about him and he agreed that Tony is probably just a lonely old man who has made mistakes in his youth and now regrets them (he told me all about how he use to run around when he was young and how stupid that was). He keeps asking if he can take me out to lunch (even with the boys) because he knows we go to Chick-Fil-A all the time because of the playground. That was when it got uncomfortable. I said no, so instead, he bought me a Chick-Fil-A gift card - "for Charlie", my 1 year old. Charlie is a charmer and gives everyone who wants them high fives and smiles. My hubby was actually fine with the gift because it was free money. Men. Anyway, I hadn't seen Tony for a while, because I suffering from a recent glutening. I still went to the Y, but didn't hang around long enough to see him because I was too ill to play basketball with the boys. This morning, he was there and practically begged for a kiss. I flat out told him no, and reminded him many times that I'm happily married, but he kept begging. Finally it was time to pick up my boys from their classes, which has lately been very relieving!

Anyway, I only ever just talk to him the same way I would talk to any of the older people there. I feel bad for him, because I know he's just a lonely man, but I feel too, that I should report him to the Y staff.

Also, and I don't want to sound stereotypical, but he is originally from Puerto Rico. Is there a cultural thing there that would influence him to act this way?

[kareng]

Are there any ladies more his age who talk with him? Maybe one or more would tell him to lay off. Or make enough fun of the goat that he would stop.

Otherwise, I think I would tell him "I'm happy to be friends but this "give me a kiss" and other attention bothers me. You need to stop." I would say it clearly & loudly, maybe with a witness. If he continues, I think they Y has rules against sexual harrassment & you could talk to the manager.

[pricklypear1971]

Well, first my husband would have pulled some stupid Cro-Magnon stunt by now (probably involving a head butt).

Second, I would have popped my husband for being a jealous jerk and thinking I couldn't deal with Romeo.

Third, I would have pulled a Julia Sugarbaker a long time ago on Romeo. I find its very effective.

Fourth, avoid the fool.

[GlutenFreeManna]

I would cut off the friendship. Be polite but firm, don't make eye contact if he speaks to you and don't make small talk with him anymore. Clearly he has gotten the wrong idea about something or is suffering from some form of mental illness. His age does not matter. Some men are just like that and will try to escalate a relationship to more than it is. It could be cultural but I doubt that is a strong part of it. Also tell the Y staff that he is making your uncomfortable so they can watch out for this behavior with other women. If it's some form a mental delusion or the start of dementia he could eventually be a danger to others as well.

[Harpgirl]

*sigh* I suppose I'm too friendly and I love a good chat too much. But yeah, enough is enough. *grumble* I hate confrontation. I'll go to the Y staff first thing tomorrow before I talk to him. They're probably better trained to handle this kind of situation. You make a good point, Manna. His age doesn't matter and he has become way too forward. If he were my age, I would have reported him already. I'm use to being more comfortable with older people probably because I've never found them "threatening" till now. Perhaps he does have some kind of a mental thing going on that could pose danger.

[eatmeat4good]

He is getting mixed messages from you if you keep talking to him at all after he has asked you for a kiss...and he doesn't stop flirting when you say you are happily married. If you are being kind to him...he thinks you like him. I don't think you are trying to send mixed messages but he is interpreting that you are inviting him to "flirt" with you. The cultural thing might effect his ability to understand you if English is his second language...but..if you give him the cold shoulder completely...that should do the trick. If it were me...I'd be absolutely done with him. If he spoke to me I would pretend that he didn't exist and go about my business getting as far away from him as possible. You don't have to feel that sorry for him. He is making you uncomfortable and you just need to take care of you and your boys. You can tell him directly that you don't want him to talk to you anymore because he is inappropriate...or you can tell the Y staff...but personally I'd just ignore completely including walking right by without saying a word.

[ravenwoodglass]

Part of it could be cultural but you need to firmly tell him to stop and tell him your husband is angry with you even if he isn't as he might understand that. Then do as others advised and ignore him or schedule your visits for times when he is not likely to be there. Also keep yourself well aware coming and going from the Y and keep your routine varied for a while. If you can learn what car he drives that would be a good idea. You don't want him following you home.

[Harpgirl]

Yeah, there is a "chapel" at the Y which is essentially just a small room stocked with religious themed books. I use to spend my Mommy time in there when I was still trying to figure out why I was so sick. I think I'll duck back in there for a while, since I can't go at a different time as the boys classes are only at specific times.

Ravenwood, I do know what kind of car he drives actually. The more uncomfortable I've gotten, the more that thought has crossed my mind of how horrible it would be to see him in my rearview mirror!

[ravenwoodglass]

Yeah, there is a "chapel" at the Y which is essentially just a small room stocked with religious themed books. I use to spend my Mommy time in there when I was still trying to figure out why I was so sick. I think I'll duck back in there for a while, since I can't go at a different time as the boys classes are only at specific times.

Ravenwood, I do know what kind of car he drives actually. The more uncomfortable I've gotten, the more that thought has crossed my mind of how horrible it would be to see him in my rearview mirror!

If that should happen drive directly to your local police station and pull into a space that is reserved only for police cars. I did that one time when I was kidnapped by an acquantaince that turned out to be a violent rapist. I layed on the horn and within seconds an officer was running out the door and the rapist had fled into the night.

[tarnalberry]

As an employee for the Y, I would highly encourage you to report it to the staff. It will NOT get him kicked out on its own, but rather they keep an eye out for "the bigger picture". For the safety of yourself, and others, please do consider reporting it.

Secondly, I would just tell him, as politely as you can, that you find the attention he is giving you uncomfortable, and that you would prefer he keep his distance. If you have to go to the Y at a different time for a while, consider doing do.

[Harpgirl]

Well, I reported him and they are going to talk to him for me, but since I don't know his last name, they can't do anything yet. I do have his email, so I'm going to send it to the manager I spoke to and maybe they can look him up that way. I didn't see him because I cowered in the chapel the whole time. I just so creeped out now about the whole thing!

[Harpgirl]

Whew! I know you guys are probably not interested in these little details, but I just have to vent. I doesn't help that I'm suffering from a glutening and the adrenaline from today is intensifying my nausea.

Well, I couldn't avoid him today even though I sat in the chapel. When I had to go pick up my boys, I saw a friend of mine nearby so I stopped to chat with her. I told her about Tony and she said that he did the same thing about a year ago to her married mother! To be honest I'm not surprised. Her mother didn't report him though, but after I talked to her, my friend went to the front desk to report him on her behalf. Anyway, I didn't realize he was at another table until I was walking by, but saw that he was looking the other way. Then I went to the front desk to ID him. When I went to pick up my boys, I couldn't see him from my perspective before I left the nursery, but just as I was coming out the door, he walked by and plainly saw me. He didn't stop because I stalled by continuing to talk to other friends. Now that I think about it, he has never talked to me when I was with other people. He always waited till I was alone. Which is actually what he did this time too. He followed me out to my car! Finally, I said that it wasn't a good idea to talk to me anymore and that he was just too forward the other day. He seemed to accept that and walked away. I truly hope that's over with!!!

Side note: I still had about $9 left on that gift card he gave me but it felt wierd to think of using it, so I gave it to a homeless man. That definitely neutralized it!