Gluten-free Food Humor

[lpellegr]

As I made gluten-free pie crust for Thanksgiving and wonder whether my in-laws' brand of turkey will gluten me, I was thinking over some actually funny moments courtesy of gluten-free food. Like the first time I tried to make gluten-free cookies and had to eat it as handfuls of crumbs from the pan where I vainly attempted to make bar cookies of the remaining batter after the drop cookies melted into a sheet; or last year's horrible attempt at pie crust which had us all reaching for new synonyms for "gritty"; or the Enjoy Life cookies that were devoid of every allergen known to man (we called them the "shellfish-free" cookies) and also devoid of any possibility of enjoyment (good lord, those were disgusting); or the mouse that nibbled food from everyone's stash at work except my gluten-free stuff (my coworker said why should mice like gluten-free food if humans don't?). Let's hear your funny gluten-free stories!

[taweavmo3]

Well for me, it was my husband's response after hearing that I was attempting homemade pizza dough. He poured me a very large glass of wine, and told the kids to get out of the kitchen. I now stick with Kinnikinnick ready made,

[Guest Viola]

I love that mouse I had a crow that wouldn't eat some gluten free bread before and I thought he was picky.

[Guest nini]

I have a dog that refuses to eat my gluten free bread crumbs when they fall on the floor. She turns her nose up at them and IGNORES THEM!!!

[Guest Viola]

Do you think maybe these animals know something and we should be worried??

[chad from fla]

Cute dog, Viola!

I am having all of these problems with my downstairs neighbor. Noise. Leaky pipes. He needs access sometimes to my apartment in order to fix his cable etc. We just don't get along and there are these things that come up in my building that make it a necessity to deal with him and it's all so difficult and frustrating.

So the other day, I was talking to another neighbor who informed me that my downstairs neighbor is a bread baker. I thought to myself, is this the true reason we don't get along? He works with flour all day...and my body considers flour a poison. I was thinking, there's got to be a joke here somewhere: a celiac and a breadbaker walk into a bar....

Oh, and there's a really funny "gluten-free" Open Original Shared Linkthat I read sometimes. He did this rant last month about Paul Newman having HFCS in his salad dressings that cracked me up for days!

[Guest BERNESES]

We've even got a cartoon:

Open Original Shared Link

Gluten Free cheat loaf!

[Rusla]

My first taste of gluten-free bread was rice bread. First I put it in the toaster, then I had to take the toaster apart to get all the burnt crumbs out. Then I tried to butter it, well that piece of bread disintegrated as I spread it on it, so I melted it and poured it on. When I tried to eat it, it fell apart and all down the inside of my shirt into my bra.

I can honestly say that gluten free bread is the only bread that I don't have to worry about Thor (cat) trying to eat. I bring it in, he sniffs it and then looks at me like I am nuts.

[Guest BERNESES]

Rusla- That is a GREAT story! I can't believe you had to take your toaster apart to get the burnt crumbs out and you ended up with it down your bra! B

[Guest Viola]

Love the gluten free Cartoon I saw another one that had a see through man with a farris wheel type gadget. the food went into his mouth and the little buckets carried it straight out the butt I thought that was the best way to discribe us Celiacs with the big D problem.

[celiachap]

A co-worker approached me today about attending a company-sponsored “hands-on” course in CPR-Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation, the Heimlich Maneuver, and (even better!): Artificial Respiration, the “Kiss of Life”! I thought to myself, “Wow, this is going to be great!” When it comes to something like this most guys, Celiac or not, would be willing to take some risks.

But, just to be sure that it’s worth it, I said to her, “Before I sign up, I’d like to know what the girls look like”.

She replied, rather abruptly, “Come on, Celiachap, they're DUMMIES!”

I shot back, “I don’t care how SMART they are, I just want to know what they LOOK like!”

[Guest BERNESES]

Celiacchapp- That is a RIOT!

[lonewolf]

My sister bought me a package of gluten-free biscuit mix, thinking that it would be a treat. I don't usually buy much prepackaged stuff, but I thought I'd try. It's from a big-name company, but I don't think they make this anymore. Anyway, I made up a batch of "biscuits" and the kitchen started smelling really funny while they were baking. My kids started in with the comments about gluten-free experiments going bad again. When they came out they looked okay, but still smelled funny and had a slightly disturbing yellow tinge. I took one bite and spit it out. We decided to let the dog try them, since he actually looked excited. He gulped one down in about 2 seconds and then THREW IT UP! So now, whenever I try a new experiment, the kids will say something like, "at least it's not bad as the stuff that made Spotty throw up."

Liz

[Guest BERNESES]

OK- this is not for the faint of heart, but I have a very adolescent sense of humor. Consider yourself warned. Last Thursday, my sister went into labor with her second baby so I, 'Auntie Bev" took over care of her 2 year old, Olivia. Now granted, my sister tries but there was NOTHING gluten-free to eat in the house, I was exhausted, stressed, etc. So after two days of watching my niece, I was pretty hungry.

So, I'm driving to take her to see the reindeer at this Christmas tree farm to keep her entertained and I haven't had any breakfast. All the gluten-free stuff was gone so I figured, I'll get a small shake at McDonald's- they're gluten-free right? I've been better with lactose lately so I took my obligatory Lactaid pills and drank my shake.

Half an hour later I'm driving and I thought, "Uh oh, I'm going to vomit." So I leaned forward to grab a cup from my trash (I'm on I 95 here!) but it couldn't wait. I ended up projectile vomiting all over my dashboard! And I mean PROJECTILE. I pulled up at the Christmas tree farm and all my in-laws were there and I rolled down the window and said, 'You guys, I need help" My father-in-law comes over and sees the vomit all over the place and says, "Uh oh, Olivia, did you have an accident?" My 2 year old niece looks at him and sayd "No, my Bev sick." I burst out laughing.

[jerseyangel]

Oh Bev--you poor thing! What a thing to have happen. Thank God you and your niece weren't hurt--how you kept that car under control while vomiting is amazing. Hope you're feeling better now --Patti

[Guest BERNESES]

Oh I'm fine- it's my reputation that will never be the same again!

[NYCisTHEplaceTObe]

wow i give you credit! that is one of my worst fears whiel driving!

[aaascr]

You know you're getting closer to perfection when,

your son's cat steals your

gluten-soy-bean-corn-nut-dairy-egg-FREE

homemade veggie burger and actually eats it!

[Guest BERNESES]

Whoa- I want the recipe on that one as long as it doesn't have lactose!

[ianm]

I have a very adolescent sense of humor.

Is there any other kind that is better?

[Guest BERNESES]

Not in my book! That's why I love working with 7th and 8th graders. Now they would LOVE that story!

[aaascr]

Whoa- I want the recipe on that one as long as it doesn't have lactose!

cooked Quinoa

Quinoa flour

flax meal

rice bran

sunflower seeds- pulverized

tapioca flour

ener g egg replacement

fresh mushrooms

fresh ginger

fresh garlic

fresh onion

cilantro

balsamic vinegar

agave nectar

sea salt

black pepper

Olive oil

I don't really measure things but

it should have the consistency of

ground meat - I cook mine on the

foreman grill - sticks a bit

[jenvan]

wow on that veggie burger. i was trying to picture what was in it! very creative alicia!

[Guest BERNESES]

Yum! That sounds awesome! Thank you so much!

[Guest gfinnebraska]

I have a funny story that happened to my sister and her husband. They just moved to the Kansas City area and went to this restaurant that is on the top floor of a high building and spins so you have an awesome view while you eat. Anyway, they are looking over the menu when my bil says: "Look! They have a glutton free menu!" HE is thinking he can eat all he wants without being called a glutton... meanwhile my sister is rolling out of her chair with laughter and calling me on her cell phone! She replies back to her husband: "It is a gluten free menu!!! Not glutton free!!!" Ever since that happened we now refer to all gluten free items as glutton free!! Hahahahaha!!