Dinners with Friends

[Heidiho2]

Anyone have to deal with the situation before? I have been asked to dinner by numerous family members or close friends and I know I have celiac disease and I have shown up with food that is completely gluten I mean like massive amounts of breadcrumbs are very thick thick crusty bread on top of soups in which it’s very obvious that there is bread which is one thing that people tend to think about when dealing with celiac.  At least I would think that? Anyway I am now being invited to my friends lunch and I just checked out the restaurant after telling them I have celiac and they know and there are no gluten-free options what so ever

 

Besides falling off the face of the earth and not having any contact with friends or family anything to eat how do people work around it? I’m thinking about hanging out in my car or bringing a side dish that I can eat I just don’t understand how people can be so rude literally

[RMJ]

I eat beforehand, then don’t eat at the event unless I find something safe.  I once just had white rice at an Asian restaurant.  I tell people I have to be strictly gluten free and am there for their company, not for the food.

[cristiana]

Hello there Heidiho!

Welcome to the forum, and also to the world of people who haven't a clue!

I think many people on this site will relate to your experiences.   I have many tales to tell - eating out at a hotel in the Cotswolds that prided themselves in their gluten free menu options, only to be served a dish of delicious looking salmon and scrambled egg , that was topped with two slices of wholemeal bread (and not the gluten-free variety);  asking for a salad in a cafe that on arrival was literally covered in bread crumbs (it had been prepared on a bread board);  being served cookies by a mum at school whose son was ostensibly gluten-free but she'd decorated them with Smarties, a type of candy that is far from gluten-free.... and the list goes on... 

Sorry to say that the times I've eaten out, whether at a friends or at a restaurant, where I have not been glutened have been the exception rather than the rule.   So I cope this way:

a) I prepare a plate of my own food to take, usually something that doesn't require heating up;

b) I eat something before I go out and just order coffee or other drinks while everyone else eats;

c) I try to socialise as much as possible at coffee time or tea time so the emphasis on what everyone is doing is chatting and drinking tea or coffee, and not on a main meal.   

I find it most awkward when a host or restaurant gives me their assurance that they know what they are doing when it comes to gluten-free and you later find out they don't.   So I now tend to tell hosts or restaurant staff that my reaction is so awful that I simply can't risk being taken ill while I am out.  That is actually the truth these days - I do react very badly - and I have to say that that really seems to work now.  People don't want anyone being taken ill in a social setting I find.

That said, there is one local pub who know me well and prepare a jacket potato for me, with cheese and a salad.   I trust them implicitly so still eat there.  If you can find just the one place that works for you, try to steer as many social occasions as possible in their direction! 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by cristiana

[trents]

What you describe is the common social experience of those with celiac disease. We have all been there done that! Realize that many or most people haven't a clue about celiac disease. Many people (including friends and family) will dismiss you as a hypochondriac or see celiac disease as the latest fad diet. And restaurants. Sheesh! Even those eateries that have gluten free menu sections seldom practice food prep and handling practices that prevent otherwise gluten free food items from getting cross contaminated ("CC"). They will cook gluten free things in the same pots/pans/grills/vats as things with wheat. Scott Adams tells the story of getting sick after eating gluten free pasta at Olive Garden. He found out later they boiled the gluten-free noodles in the same pan of water they boiled the wheat noodles.

There is no painless, easy way to deal with these obstacles but there are ways to lesson the pain and to manage the situation.

1. Avoid eating out at restaurants as much as possible. Studies show that eating out poses the most danger to those trying to eat gluten free. When you must eat out, choose menu items that are naturally gluten free and not likely to prepared in containers or surfaces being used to prepare gluten things. Examples: A hard boiled egg. A baked potato. Steamed broccoli. Steamed rice. Spinach. Tossed salad without croutons. If you order scrambled eggs, ask the kitchen staff to cook it in a separate, clean pan. You must become your own advocate and learn to be assertive. You must learn to take control of the situation and to overcome being self-conscious. Develop a patter to gracefully engage the waiter and kitchen staff, like: "I have a medical condition that requires me to avoid gluten. Can you help me make some wise choices and take some precautions?"

2. As far as family and friends go: As often as possible, offer to be the host where you can control what goes into the food. Cook for you and eat your own stuff and let others bring what they will. When you are invited to other's homes, explain that you must avoid anything with wheat/barley/rye and inquire about what is being served and what ingredients are going into it. It will feel awkward at first and some may be offended. It is what it is. Most family and friends will get used to it. Some won't. That's just the way it is. When the main dish will contain gluten, bring your own gluten free main dish. I would also consider developing a short handout or email that you give to family and friends explaining what celiac disease is and how important it is for you to avoid gluten. Something educational and bulleted. Be proactive.

We all know how overwhelming it is at first but you and most others in your life will adjust to the new, gluten free normal. Some won't and will drop out of your social circle or you will drop out of theirs. Having celiac disease is socially limiting to one degree or another but how you handle it will, to a large degree, determine the to what degree it will prove to be limiting. 

But for now, your biggest challenge will to be to learn how to avoid gluten. You will discover that it is found in prepared foods that you would never have suspected it to be found. Soy sauce, Campbell's tomato soup, some chocolate syrups, on an on and on. You must become a food detective. Get a handle on "naturally gluten free," "gluten free," and "certified gluten free." They are not the same. Become conscious of cross contamination issues. What was gluten free is no longer when it comes in contact with gluten things in growing, transportation, processing and handling.

Finally, persevere. 

 

[Scott Adams]

We are publishing a book, chapter by chapter, that really covers many of these issues, and may offer you help. Here is chapter 3, published last week:

 

[GodsGal]

Hi Heidiho2!

Thanks for posting your question. I think we all face that scenario. Is it comfortable? No, it is not.

If I am invited to a meal, I explain that I have celiac disease, and that I have a very strict diet that I have to follow, I ask if they would mind if I bring my own food.

If I am being invited to a restaurant, then I would call ahead, explain my situation, see what options are there, and if there are no good options, then I would ask if I can bring my own food. I would also see if there is anything I could purchase like a bottled drink, and leave a good tip.

I also carry GliadinX in my bag for those potential cross contamination instances. 

Sometimes the kids at a gathering will ask why I brought my own food, or why I am not eating the same thing that they are. And, it does get awkward sometimes. But, I would rather they ask me about it now. Because then I can tell them, in an age appropriate manner, a little bit about celiac disease. In the future, they may develop it themselves, or meet someone else who has celiac. 

[Heidiho2]

On 9/25/2021 at 12:26 PM, RMJ said:

I eat beforehand, then don’t eat at the event unless I find something safe.  I once just had white rice at an Asian restaurant.  I tell people I have to be strictly gluten free and am there for their company, not for the food.

That’s a great idea

My friends said To eat prior to showing up and then pick on the food that you can eat to seem like you’re eating with them

 I I guess I was kind of whining why would somebody invite you for dinner you tell them you can’t eat gluten and then they cover a dish in breadcrumbs?

I guess what I have learned is I always need to have back up food in the car or in a cooler at all times in my life forever and I need to accept that

[GodsGal]

1 hour ago, Heidiho2 said:

That’s a great idea

My friends said To eat prior to showing up and then pick on the food that you can eat to seem like you’re eating with them

 I I guess I was kind of whining why would somebody invite you for dinner you tell them you can’t eat gluten and then they cover a dish in breadcrumbs?

I guess what I have learned is I always need to have back up food in the car or in a cooler at all times in my life forever and I need to accept that

I think that we all feel like whining sometimes. So, give yourself a little grace.😊 

One thing that I have come to realize is that unless a person has lived with celiac disease or a form of gluten sensitivity, they don't have any comprehension of what we experience or what it takes to keep us safe. They also won't think about cross contamination. It's all a foreign thought. I can imagine how frustrating and disappointing it must have been for you.  

Having a backup plan is good. 

[notme]

if it's at somebody's house, i bring my own meal/snacks or i eat ahead of time.  i'm chatty, so i get to yammer on and on while they're eating haha.  if it's dinner out, i pick the restaurant.  if you don't let me pick the restaurant, i'm not going.  

[AlwaysLearning]

Oh yeah. No one is going to be educated enough about gluten free to have safe options for you. Most people don't understand what gluten is and aren't going to try to cook special for you. But I don't think of it as being rude. Just clueless.

I wouldn't trust others to supply gluten free options anyway. I remember soon after getting my diagnosis, my boyfriend took me to a restaurant with gluten free options on the menu. (He was so proud of himself for doing his research and finding an option for me. lol) I had been gluten-free for a couple months at the time, so the fact that my meal was not gluten free as advertised was very obvious when I spent the night with a gurgling stomach on the couch while he slept soundly in bed. My other fear is that all you have to do is unwittingly and accidentally pee off your waiter and your gluten free meal is then secretly dusted with wheat flour.

I do remember feeling bad when my cousin tried to make gluten free cookies for me one Christmas, but I wouldn't touch them because her kitchen was not gluten free. She bakes so much during the holidays that it would be impossible for anything coming out of her kitchen to be safe.

I think what you have to do to survive the hardships of a truly gluten-free lifestyle is to embrace food prep yourself. Develop a love of cooking and enjoy having control over your food. When you go to other's houses, ask what your host is preparing so that you can make something similar to bring with you and blend in with everyone else. Another thing I do at family/friend gatherings is bring appetizers for everyone so that I have something safe to munch on too. If nothing else, it helps teach them that lots of foods that they also enjoy are gluten free and that you're not some sort of weirdo on a crazy restrictive diet. Even better if they learn from your example and have similar gluten free options for you next time.

Restaurants can be more difficult to bring your own, but more and more gluten free bakeries include cafes. You can also learn what options are almost always safe at any restaurant. For instance, most major orange juice brands are gluten free, so you can at least sip a beverage.

But instead of thinking your friends are rude, just be grateful that they are still inviting you to join them despite your dietary restrictions. The alternative is to not be invited at all, which would be much worse.

[Heidiho2]

Thank you for your rejoiceful insight.  It is true they are not educated and not rude as I  can think of the hours of research on restaurants, food products and label reading when first diagnosed.  I do love to cook and have found some great recipes with a lot of research too!!  I believe there was already some family conflict prior to my post and it may have come off wrong.  Bring an appetizer is a great idea!

Thank you so much!!

[Donna-1]

To Always Learning: I rejoice that I have friends who want to include me.  But after I have patiently explained a number of times exactly what food restrictions I must follow and why, I do not rejoice that they continue to goad (yes goad) me to eat food that they know contains gluten.  They even give me candy for my birthday saying, "Yes, I know it DOES have gluten because I read the ingredients.  My sister is not supposed to eat gluten, but she does anyway and it doesn't make her sick.  So this candy is NOT going to hurt you.  Just try it."  This is disrespectful.  If they want to be a true friend, why don't they appreciate the fact I am safeguarding my own health.  One even makes wheat noodle dishes and serves them when I go to play cards with her.  She makes rice with wheat-containing soy sauce and serves it to me.  She makes brownies with wheat flour and insists I "just try one."  At no time was I told food would be served beforehand.  I have explained each time that I can not eat wheat because it makes me very ill.  She seems very determined to keep pushing them on me, like a test.  To see if she can make me give in.  I am approaching the point where I may end the friendship.  Because I'm tired of looking her in the eye and being very clear about my food boundaries, and having her saying she thinks it is stupid.  "But we can still be friends," she chirps.  Can we?  How do you define "friend."

[GodsGal]

14 hours ago, Donna-1 said:

To Always Learning: I rejoice that I have friends who want to include me.  But after I have patiently explained a number of times exactly what food restrictions I must follow and why, I do not rejoice that they continue to goad (yes goad) me to eat food that they know contains gluten.  They even give me candy for my birthday saying, "Yes, I know it DOES have gluten because I read the ingredients.  My sister is not supposed to eat gluten, but she does anyway and it doesn't make her sick.  So this candy is NOT going to hurt you.  Just try it."  This is disrespectful.  If they want to be a true friend, why don't they appreciate the fact I am safeguarding my own health.  One even makes wheat noodle dishes and serves them when I go to play cards with her.  She makes rice with wheat-containing soy sauce and serves it to me.  She makes brownies with wheat flour and insists I "just try one."  At no time was I told food would be served beforehand.  I have explained each time that I can not eat wheat because it makes me very ill.  She seems very determined to keep pushing them on me, like a test.  To see if she can make me give in.  I am approaching the point where I may end the friendship.  Because I'm tired of looking her in the eye and being very clear about my food boundaries, and having her saying she thinks it is stupid.  "But we can still be friends," she chirps.  Can we?  How do you define "friend."

Hi Donna, 

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It doesn't sound like this "friend" is really valuing you as a person or a friend. Her behavior is extremely insensitive and very, very rude. 

[trents]

Donna-1, many of us have experienced that same kind of treatment from friends and relatives. I would suggest you check for celiac support groups in your area. You need to feel you are not alone and it may also open up some new and more supportive friendships.

[Celiawithceliac1]

On 9/25/2021 at 12:26 PM, RMJ said:

I eat beforehand, then don’t eat at the event unless I find something safe.  I once just had white rice at an Asian restaurant.  I tell people I have to be strictly gluten free and am there for their company, not for the food.

This!! I’m fully grain free and it’s rare I can eat out unless there is plain meat on the menu like steak or veggies without sauce. 
 

There’s been many times I’ve gone to events or dinners just to have water with lemon and enjoy the company. 
 

It’s hard but we got this. 

[AlwaysLearning]

On 3/19/2022 at 10:28 PM, Donna-1 said:

To Always Learning: I rejoice that I have friends who want to include me.  But after I have patiently explained a number of times exactly what food restrictions I must follow and why, I do not rejoice that they continue to goad (yes goad) me to eat food that they know contains gluten.  They even give me candy for my birthday saying, "Yes, I know it DOES have gluten because I read the ingredients.  My sister is not supposed to eat gluten, but she does anyway and it doesn't make her sick.  So this candy is NOT going to hurt you.  Just try it."  This is disrespectful.  If they want to be a true friend, why don't they appreciate the fact I am safeguarding my own health.  One even makes wheat noodle dishes and serves them when I go to play cards with her.  She makes rice with wheat-containing soy sauce and serves it to me.  She makes brownies with wheat flour and insists I "just try one."  At no time was I told food would be served beforehand.  I have explained each time that I can not eat wheat because it makes me very ill.  She seems very determined to keep pushing them on me, like a test.  To see if she can make me give in.  I am approaching the point where I may end the friendship.  Because I'm tired of looking her in the eye and being very clear about my food boundaries, and having her saying she thinks it is stupid.  "But we can still be friends," she chirps.  Can we?  How do you define "friend."

Donna, it sounds to me as if your "friend" has some mental health issues. It reminds me of a couple people I know who have narcissistic personality disorder. Telling other people what to do, having no concern for their concerns, and seemingly ignoring anything they say is pretty typical of a narcissist. If this is the case with your friend, then they are probably not actually trying to hurt you, rather they have learned in the past, from others, that feeding people is a way to receive praise and gratitude, and they are trying to repeat that again so that their brain will give them a hit of dopamine as a reward for good behavior. Most of a narcissist's behavior is designed to elicit responses from others so that they can feel better themselves. 

If this sounds like your friend, you need to know that there is no rational way to deal with a narcissist. Narcissists don't care about the people around them, only caring about the part they play in the feel-good formula: behavior + response from others = chemical reward in brain. Don't get me wrong. Many narcissist have learned to have excellent social skills so that they are able to attract people to feed their narcissism. But others, not so much. Some narcissists practice socially-inappropriate behaviors, turning to having power, control, and being competitive so that they can get a "win" to get their drug reward.

You can either go along with their drug-seeking-behavior (don't eat the food, but you can thank them for their efforts and make them feel valued) so that they get the dopamine reward in their brains, but this is only going to reinforce the behavior and allow the problem to persist. Anything else will eventually cause them to be angry with you because you're not playing the game the "right" way. Though a narcissist might be aware of their bad behavior on some level, they have little control over their compulsions. And if others are reinforcing the behavior, thanking them and praising them for sharing food, then they are always going to also try to get you to eat it too. It isn't that they are purposefully trying to physically harm you or hurt your feelings, rather that they are completely incapable of understanding that other people even have feelings.

Once you become aware of a narcissist's shortcomings, it is very difficult to unsee them and it might ruin your relationship (if her attempts to force feed haven't already). But if you can recognize that her behavior is not something over which she has good control, it might be easier for you to forgive her inappropriate behavior and just let it go when it happens.

And I really hope, for your sake, that I am completely wrong and the people in your life aren't actually narcissists.

[trents]

Let's be careful with mental health labels. We don't really know any of these people personally and have only gotten a snapshot of their behavior in a limited context. We all have some narcissism in us.

[AlwaysLearning]

7 hours ago, trents said:

Let's be careful with mental health labels. We don't really know any of these people personally and have only gotten a snapshot of their behavior in a limited context. We all have some narcissism in us.

If you read again, I was careful not to label her family members, rather described my own personal experience with people ... who have official diagnosis. 

[Wheatwacked]

On 3/19/2022 at 10:28 PM, Donna-1 said:

To see if she can make me give in.

It may not be a power struggle. Maybe she just wants you to share the bliss of a gluten meal. Not unlike drinkers at a party pushing alcohol on a recovering alcoholic. They just do not understand and are oblivious. It was similar back when cigarettes were cool.

[trents]

32 minutes ago, AlwaysLearning said:

If you read again, I was careful not to label her family members, rather described my own personal experience with people ... who have official diagnosis. 

Yes, you were very careful. But the wording, "If this sounds like your friend," (whom she also identifies as her sister) seems to barely avoid a diagnosis. At least to me. Especially when you went into such detail about narcissistic personality disorder. I felt like I was reading a post from a psychology forum.

[Ari70]

On 9/25/2021 at 11:54 AM, trents said:

What you describe is the common social experience of those with celiac disease. We have all been there done that! Realize that many or most people haven't a clue about celiac disease. Many people (including friends and family) will dismiss you as a hypochondriac or see celiac disease as the latest fad diet. And restaurants. Sheesh! Even those eateries that have gluten free menu sections seldom practice food prep and handling practices that prevent otherwise gluten free food items from getting cross contaminated ("CC"). They will cook gluten free things in the same pots/pans/grills/vats as things with wheat. Scott Adams tells the story of getting sick after eating gluten free pasta at Olive Garden. He found out later they boiled the gluten-free noodles in the same pan of water they boiled the wheat noodles.

There is no painless, easy way to deal with these obstacles but there are ways to lesson the pain and to manage the situation.

1. Avoid eating out at restaurants as much as possible. Studies show that eating out poses the most danger to those trying to eat gluten free. When you must eat out, choose menu items that are naturally gluten free and not likely to prepared in containers or surfaces being used to prepare gluten things. Examples: A hard boiled egg. A baked potato. Steamed broccoli. Steamed rice. Spinach. Tossed salad without croutons. If you order scrambled eggs, ask the kitchen staff to cook it in a separate, clean pan. You must become your own advocate and learn to be assertive. You must learn to take control of the situation and to overcome being self-conscious. Develop a patter to gracefully engage the waiter and kitchen staff, like: "I have a medical condition that requires me to avoid gluten. Can you help me make some wise choices and take some precautions?"

2. As far as family and friends go: As often as possible, offer to be the host where you can control what goes into the food. Cook for you and eat your own stuff and let others bring what they will. When you are invited to other's homes, explain that you must avoid anything with wheat/barley/rye and inquire about what is being served and what ingredients are going into it. It will feel awkward at first and some may be offended. It is what it is. Most family and friends will get used to it. Some won't. That's just the way it is. When the main dish will contain gluten, bring your own gluten free main dish. I would also consider developing a short handout or email that you give to family and friends explaining what celiac disease is and how important it is for you to avoid gluten. Something educational and bulleted. Be proactive.

We all know how overwhelming it is at first but you and most others in your life will adjust to the new, gluten free normal. Some won't and will drop out of your social circle or you will drop out of theirs. Having celiac disease is socially limiting to one degree or another but how you handle it will, to a large degree, determine the to what degree it will prove to be limiting. 

But for now, your biggest challenge will to be to learn how to avoid gluten. You will discover that it is found in prepared foods that you would never have suspected it to be found. Soy sauce, Campbell's tomato soup, some chocolate syrups, on an on and on. You must become a food detective. Get a handle on "naturally gluten free," "gluten free," and "certified gluten free." They are not the same. Become conscious of cross contamination issues. What was gluten free is no longer when it comes in contact with gluten things in growing, transportation, processing and handling.

Finally, persevere. 

 

I am so happy to report the pizzaria Saucys, in Hillsboro MO, has a strict protocol when there is a food allergy risk order. Supervised by management, everything that will be used to cook and serve that customer is washed dried and handed directly to the cook.  Its prepared in a clean area away from any and all other foods.  They are sticklers about it and should be.