The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Mtndog]

Another of my uncle's greatest hits (Ricahrd- he loved yours!)

Four married guys go fishing...

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him." You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:" I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex." and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[nikki-uk]

OK- here he is

Ha ha

:

These are great!!!

Fourth guy:" I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex." and she said, "Wear sun-block."

EXCELLENT!!!!

I thankyou 'Bev's uncle' !!!!

[jerseyangel]

Spanish for Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine

gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible

later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half

your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE

the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little

longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Mtndog]

:lol: :lol:

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nikki-uk]

Nice one Patti!!!!

[jerseyangel]

Thanks, Nikki! I'm always reading and laughing at what you all post over here, I thought I'd contribute

[Mtndog]

This is gross but funny and oh so Celiac!!!!!

Open Original Shared Link

Might make it my new avatar!

[nikki-uk]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she

was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound

weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to

work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got

a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock

broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the

abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[DingoGirl]

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! those are excellent, dear Nikki......

oh dear, I find I have nothing funny to add.......have I become terribly DULL?????

[nikki-uk]

PINCH, PUNCH, FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH!!!!

oh dear, I find I have nothing funny to add.......have I become terribly DULL?????

Absolutely NOT!!.....dull is NOT a word I'd EVER use to describe you!!

.....I mean,......a dull person would never come up with such phrase as scatalogical survey!!!!

...and can I just say what a great avatar of Stinker!! EDIT: Ooops I mean ANNIE

She clearly has inherited Susan's special look for staring down BAD MEN

What a formidable team the Dingo girls must make each with their staring down bad men abilities....skull crusher thingy in hand ...and Stinker's indistructableness ...(bless her )

[Mtndog]

PINCH, PUNCH, FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH!!!!

Ouch! You got me!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK- I hereby declare June the month of funny. So let's ALL give it our best!!!!!!!!!!

[nikki-uk]

Harumph!!..no-go on the link Bev

[Mtndog]

Harumph!!..no-go on the link Bev

I shall try again as I am severely brain disabled today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Open Original Shared Link

My favorite is the first!!!!!!!!! Very very very fresh!

[nikki-uk]

I shall try again as I am severely brain disabled today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Open Original Shared Link

Allowances WILL be made for

a) Gluten induced Brain Fog OR

Lyme Brain

Oh they are BADDDDD!!!!!

[nikki-uk]

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful

> and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic onthe Bacardi

> Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they

> stopped in the cemetery.

>

> One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used

> them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties

> and did not want to ruin them; she was lucky enough to squat down next to

> a

> grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with

> that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

>

> The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned because his

> normally

>

> sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other

> husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to

> suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

>

> "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card

> stuck

> to her butt that said: ''From all of us at the Fire Station.

> We'll never forget you.'

[jerseyangel]

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Nikki--that was hilarious!

[Mtndog]

> "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card

> stuck

> to her butt that said: ''From all of us at the Fire Station.

> We'll never forget you.'

:lol: :lol:

[Mtndog]

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid t o make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

[DingoGirl]

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful

> and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic onthe Bacardi

> Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they

> stopped in the cemetery.

>

> One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used

> them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties

> and did not want to ruin them; she was lucky enough to squat down next to

> a

> grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with

> that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

>

> The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned because his

> normally

>

> sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other

> husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to

> suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

>

> "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card

> stuck

> to her butt that said: ''From all of us at the Fire Station.

> We'll never forget you.'

how did I miss this?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Bev - I think you are funnier with Lyme - - -

[Mtndog]

how did I miss this?

Bev - I think you are funnier with Lyme - - -

i seriously think that it is making me giddy. No clue

[DingoGirl]

i seriously think that it is making me giddy. No clue

no, no, no, silly - - - it is the DIAGNOSIS that is making you giddy.....that is what it is, after YEARS of

HEINOSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!

you finally have your answer. and you are so stinkin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

part deux

OMG am furious - - what a bust - - - took a SECOND shower (after the gym and haircut), full makeup, cute clothes, drove all the stinkin' way downtown (28 miles roundtrip) and my stupid loser friends had JUST left the venue (I spoke to the artist, they had left minutes earlier), and I never reached them, so drove all the way back home..... Left her a slightly irate message (um, she's my best friend, so I can gently punish her)....

now all made up, looking pretty sassy, AND FOR WHAT, I ask you???????????????????

signed,

Sips Wine With Dingos

[Mtndog]

no, no, no, silly - - - it is the DIAGNOSIS that is making you giddy.....that is what it is, after YEARS of

HEINOSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!

you finally have your answer. and you are so stinkin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

part deux

OMG am furious - - what a bust - - - took a SECOND shower (after the gym and haircut), full makeup, cute clothes, drove all the stinkin' way downtown (28 miles roundtrip) and my stupid loser friends had JUST left the venue (I spoke to the artist, they had left minutes earlier), and I never reached them, so drove all the way back home..... Left her a slightly irate message (um, she's my best friend, so I can gently punish her)....

now all made up, looking pretty sassy, AND FOR WHAT, I ask you???????????????????

signed,

Sips Wine With Dingos

I'm definitely stinkin- that's fer shizzle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooh...thos friends should get a good, old fashioned can of whoop arse! I bet you looked gorgeous and had to return home only to have the dingos drool over you when

Open Original Shared Link

[jerseyangel]

I'm definitely stinkin- that's fer shizzle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooh...thos friends should get a good, old fashioned can of whoop arse! I bet you looked gorgeous and had to return home only to have the dingos drool over you when

Open Original Shared Link

OMG--you're not gonna believe this but that's what Mark looked like when I met him!! Of course, that was a looooooog time ago

People always used to tell him he looked like the blonde guy from The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

[DingoGirl]

This hot guy may have been waiting for YOU!

oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd - - - you won't believe how funny that is, Bev, because THAT IS WHO I WATCHED ON TV when I came home!!! Laird won the celebrity racing contest that I watched whilst playing on computer and sipping wine with dingos alst night..............how funny is that? OMG can you imagine how superhuman their child will be?

OMG--you're not gonna believe this but that's what Mark looked like when I met him!! Of course, that was a looooooog time ago

People always used to tell him he looked like the blonde guy from The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Patti - - what a hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you go girl!

[Mtndog]

OMG--you're not gonna believe this but that's what Mark looked like when I met him!! Of course, that was a looooooog time ago

People always used to tell him he looked like the blonde guy from The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

wow patti- SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hang onto that one!