The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Mtndog]

One could of couse dial 911 and get an ambulance for the old lady, Give your friend the car keya and ask him to drive McDreamy home - this way you earn points with both. Your buddy sees an opportunity (but nothing will happen because she is so in to you), Ms. McDreamy sees how chivalrous and selfless you are...Or you get stuck at the bus stop with a corpse while your buddy makes time with Ms. Right...Stupid question anyway you look at it.

And I thought I had it bad. Worst question I was ever asked was, "If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be and why?" College interview. Didn't get in.

[blueeyedmanda]

I was asked which way my cans faced in my kitchen cabinets....talk about catching me off guard

[DingoGirl]

I was asked which way my cans faced in my kitchen cabinets....talk about catching me off guard

what? I think they just want to know if you're anal......I don't think they'd be happy with the state of my cupboards at this moment in time.......

remember that psycho movie, Sleeping wtih the Enemy - - with Julia Roberts and her psycho controlling murderous husbnad, who alphabetized his spices and all the things in the cupboards? OMG I had a crazy boyfriend like that (he did not try to kill me, insofar as I know) and so my girlfriend dragged me to see that movie, so I would recognize it......I quickly left the relationship......

so that guy would get the job, I think.....? With all the cans facing the same way?

okay get this......today a lady comes into the store (happens to be blonde!) and says, I need a 32 by 40 Bristol board.....and she is standign there very confused....and says, but your signs says 40 by 32, that isn't the same thing is it?

true story!

[nikki-uk]

I currently can't access my emails--since Saturday The internet provider (Verizon) says that it's their fault and the problem is in their system

Patti, I got back on line to discover that I didn't actually have any emails worth reading.... only 54 trying to sell me viagra in various languages!!!

...and poor Richard nursing a broken funny bone ...and struggling against the artic conditions.

At least take comfort in the fact that life goes on.(we Brits don't cope too well with extreme weather!!)

Here in the UK life virtually ground to a halt when it snowed a couple of weeks ago. I spent an hour in conjested traffic getting my son to school to be told on arrival that the school was closed

...and in some schools here (the ones that were open) the kids weren't allowed out at break time for fear they would (heaven forbid) throw snowballs. That would never do as someone might get hurt!!!

well now THERE is Nikki, back wtih us and in a slightly Faustian transaction now has a monitor, HOO-RAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! More silliness from you please! We've missed you..... and you are ordered to visit every day now, and please, we've not had a report lately on all your friends in the closet/cupboard and what they are up to....

Yes, faustian indeed! (excellent choice of wordage) but a girl's gotta have her monitor!

Ha ha!-- my wee friends in the cupboard are in fine fettle nestled amongst old paint tins, lovingly tending the xmas tree (which needs some work as it looked a bit tired after it's twelve days 'out'.)......we just shared a cup of hot chocolate with some excellent home made gluten-free biscuits. I have promised them I will share stew with them if I get the slow cooker, which they are very excited about (it gets quite chilly under the stairs.)

TEST FOR DEMENTIA Exercise of the brain is important.

Ha ha!..failed at number 5!!!

Meanwhile,....some crockpot a.k.a slow cooker Open Original Shared Link.

[nikki-uk]

My latest tv soap that I'm watching (with my son) is Open Original Shared Link.

Seriously addictive!!!

[DingoGirl]

Excellent crock-pot humour Nikki

OMG I love Meerkats, are they not fascinating and adorable creatures, yet don't ahve expanded cable (seld-imposed rule as I may have already told you folks, talk about evil time-sucking vortex!) and so don't get to see the show unless I sit transfixed at the computer monitor, and what with downloading all of my celiac disease's and creating playlists and configuring the Ipod, there is already too much time spent here of late.................

And those friends under the stairs, I am jealous, they sound like such fun! I am going to whip up a batch of marshmallows (for my mom's V-day gift, a bit late ) just now and will have to share with my, er, imaginary friends.

carry on, everybody - -

[Mtndog]

Hee hee...stoneware slowcooker for the men!

Nikki it's so good to have you back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alas, poor Richard is buried in acanyon of snow.

I'm in need of Open Original Shared Link

Here's a funny:Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

I'm in need of Open Original Shared Link

OH - MY - GOD!!!

Bev, This is just perfect!! - I must bulk buy at once (what with 2 coeliacs and me with IBS!! )

This line just cracks me up...

It absorbs the intestinal gas odor right at the source before it gets into the air, and others can smell it.

Here's a funny:Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

Ok, need some help, hubby and I can't agree

Open Original Shared Linkversus Open Original Shared Link

Discuss.....

[Mtndog]

Welp...I'm inclined to the slow cooker as you can throw stuff in it and let it cook but my hubby loves his Foreman grill. I think they're good for different things....slowcooker for stews, pot roasts, yummies.

Hubby just uses grill for burgers and buns (not my buns )

[Mtndog]

I was just thinking I SO wish we had a water cooler that we could hang out and gossip around! How fun would that be, if we all worked together and could go out for drinks after work, make fun of the boss behind his back. Let's see...what kind of company could we start?

OMG we could make our own Open Original Shared Link!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's see. I think Richard could be in charge of engineering this baby. I could be a tester and write markety sounding brochures. SusieQ could do the artwork for the ads (I think she could could make it look pretty). Nikki- you could be the UK rep but you'd have to fly over for weekly meetings because we need to see you . Lisa could be in cahrge of customer satisfaction Who else is in?

[jerseyangel]

Ooh-ooh-ooh (Raising my hand and waiving it wildly) I want to be a part of this--how much fun would that be if we could all get together!!! Making fun of the boss sounds like fun

Who's the boss

[nikki-uk]

I was just thinking I SO wish we had a water cooler that we could hang out and gossip around! How fun would that be, if we all worked together and could go out for drinks after work, make fun of the boss behind his back. Let's see...what kind of company could we start?

OMG we could make our own Open Original Shared Link!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's see. I think Richard could be in charge of engineering this baby. I could be a tester and write markety sounding brochures. SusieQ could do the artwork for the ads (I think she could could make it look pretty). Nikki- you could be the UK rep but you'd have to fly over for weekly meetings because we need to see you . Lisa could be in cahrge of customer satisfaction Who else is in?

That would be a blast!!!

Can you imagine trying to sell it with a straight face!!

Who's the boss

Yeah, can you imagine!! - that poor soul would get slated (behind their backs of course)

...and who would be the first to get a written warning for being.....um......silly??

[nikki-uk]

...my first internal email...

WHAT TO DO WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

10. The coffee machine is broken.

11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

15. Amen.

[Mtndog]

OK...it's official now that we have our first internal email. We are The Silly Yak Bumper Dumper Company!

The boss has to be someone we dislike so we can gossip about him/her around the water cooler. My choices are (now remember this is the CEO of a toilet company):

Dick Cheney

Donald Trump

or better yet...someone cute so we can talk about him around the water cooler How about Colin Firth?

And the CFO can be someone Richard picks. A hot chick who's good with money!

Patti- You can be the head of human resources. You only hire nice people (except the boss who either has to be cute or mean. I vote for cute!)

[TriticusToxicum]

And the CFO can be someone Richard picks. A hot chick who's good with money!

It's official, my wife is now the CFO.

If nepotism isn't allowed at Bumper-Dumper LLC I'll have to think a minute...Oprah is pretty good with money, but not so high on the "hottie" scale...maybe Kim Basinger? She was in some Open Original Shared Link(with Val Kilmer, maybe?) about a safe cracking hottie...that's pretty good with money in my book - as long as she's stealing for the company, and not from it!

[Mtndog]

It's official, my wife is now the CFO.

Oh that's sweet!!!!!!!

If nepotism isn't allowed at Bumper-Dumper LLC I'll have to think a minute...Oprah is pretty good with money, but not so high on the "hottie" scale...maybe Kim Basinger? She was in some Open Original Shared Link(with Val Kilmer, maybe?) about a safe cracking hottie...that's pretty good with money in my book - as long as she's stealing for the company, and not from it!

No Oprah (but Patti is the head of HR) so you'd have to run it by her. EDIT: If we hire Kim, we hire Val!!!!!!!!

Nikki- You are also the COO (chief operating officer) cuz you write good internal emails!

SusieQ- I see you! I know I wrote this somewhere, but I'm coming to San Francisco March 9-15 with my dad. We have to meet (can we charge it to the comapny expense account?).

Wait...what's my job? Oh yeah.... tester. Hmmm.... might have to rethink this one. I could be the toilet poet!

Some people think it's funny, but it's really hot and runny!

[DingoGirl]

OK...it's official now that we have our first internal email. We are The Celiac Bumper Dumper Company!

ahem, slight correction, we are the SILLY YAK Bumper Dumper Company. oh and BTW, don't you think that crazy diapered stalker astronaut coulda used this device in her long quest?

anywho our boss(es)???...what the??? WE are the bosses!! WE do not report to anyone!! they report to US!! ha ha, we sit around the water cooler and talk about any kinds of issues we want !!! Like celebrity gossip and how our tummies are feeling adn stuff like that. Patti's in charge of hiring but WE ARE all in charge of it and so we only hire hotties to work for us!!

oh I am hating my job right now (even though they are being so nice to me - it's too tragically boring for me to work there).....and so this job is sounding fabulous!!

Oh that's sweet!!!!!!!

No Oprah (but Patti is the head of HR) so you'd have to run it by her. EDIT: If we hire Kim, we hire Val!!!!!!!!

Nikki- You are also the COO (chief operating officer) cuz you write good internal emails!

SusieQ- I see you! I know I wrote this somewhere, but I'm coming to San Francisco March 9-15 with my dad. We have to meet (can we charge it to the comapny expense account?).

Wait...what's my job? Oh yeah.... tester. Hmmm.... might have to rethink this one. I could be the toilet poet!

Some people think it's funny, but it's really hot and runny!

OMG listen to this.....when I was dating that crazy-ass angry little man who sings? you know who I'm talkin about? he invited me to go to Christmas with him one year, to New Mexico (why did I decline? - because it would ruin my Christmas to go with him anywhere but now I regret declining)......and guess what, there is an annual party that JR goes to, adn Val Kilmer is always there.......I could have met him.....oh well. Ancient history and now my life is SO freaking boring and mundane, living here in hicks-ville....story for another day......harrumph....and DEEP sigh.....

so anywho Bev I LOVE your poem!! I guffawd out loud and snorted, I think.

ohhhhhhhhhh, the dingos have gas, or maybe one dingo, I dunno, it is REALLY bad.

okay, gotta get ready for Gray's.

BEVERLY - - I know you're coming to SF - would love to meet you up there! it's only 3 hours away......let's arrange a lunch date!! wanna meet your adorable dad, too.

oh and Nikki - - excelltn inter-office memo

[Mtndog]

Oh we just need some phantom boss who's good looking who OWNS the company and comes in from time to time so we can drool over him (EDIT: I just typed drool on him Not awake yet!). He can own it (we need someone with $$$$$) but we RUN it!

You turned down New Mexico and Val Kilmer in one fell swoop? You could have used said crazy ass singer to get you there then run off to Open Original Shared Link with Val!

Uhm....it's 9:38 and it looks like some members are late to work today.

[Jestgar]

Nikki- You are also the COO (chief operating officer)

Does this mean she's the one that flushes?

[nikki-uk]

BEVERLY - - I know you're coming to SF - would love to meet you up there! it's only 3 hours away......let's arrange a lunch date!! wanna meet your adorable dad, too.

[nikki-uk]

Does this mean she's the one that flushes?

Great ... I get all the 'bum' jobs.

[DingoGirl]

Oh we just need some phantom boss who's good looking who OWNS the company and comes in from time to time so we can drool over him (EDIT: I just typed drool on him Not awake yet!). He can own it (we need someone with $$$$$) but we RUN it!

You turned down New Mexico and Val Kilmer in one fell swoop? You could have used said crazy ass singer to get you there then run off to Open Original Shared Link with Val!

Uhm....it's 9:38 and it looks like some members are late to work today.

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn* Hi! I'm here now, still in my robe, reporting for duty, but that's okay, isn't it?

I know......what was I thinking? I just couldn't imagine being trapped in a hotel room wiht the angry little man......he was too difficult to spend time with - - - being in Big Sur, with my own car for getaway, was easier......trapped for four days in N. Mexico - despite Val Kilmer - - too crazy......

yes, phantom boss to drool on or over, that is great ! I say.......more than one.....like a posse of phantom bosses - - becasue I want Sam Sheppard, Robert Duvall, George Clooney (such a flirt and funny and has that house in Lake Como), and......I"ll think of more later. gotta begin the day here....made marshmallows last night and am so proud of self, must cut them apart now for delivery.

SEE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Lisa]

Oh JUST GREAT! So I'm in charge with Customer Satisfaction! I ALWAYS GET DUMPED ON!!!!!

I want another job

BTW: I think that Jonny Onthespot should be our CEO.

[Mtndog]

Oh JUST GREAT! So I'm in charge with Customer Satisfaction! I ALWAYS GET DUMPED ON!!!!!

I want another job

BTW: I think that Jonny Onthespot should be our CEO.

Lisa Silly- That was totally tongue in cheek Cuz it anyone complained you could tell them to piss off and take a fukitol :lol:

You can have ANY job you want!!!!!