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TriticusToxicum

The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

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"I gotta FEVAH, and the only prescription, is more COWBELL" :lol: I have seen that clip at least six times and love it every time......am going to now find Christopher Walken (yes I would marry him) on that silly dancing video we all love.....

Okay, I might have just a TOUCH of my mojo back.....we will see....... :unsure:


SUSIE

Diagnosed January 2006

"I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells." ~Dr. Seuss

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Sorry if these have been posted before, my Aunt Mel just sent them to me, and I think they're fabulous.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


I'm really just here about my wife. Its all her fault!

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Nice one 'Aunt Mel' ! :D

....I often wondered these things too.. :blink:


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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Those are hysterical- your aunt Mel needs to meet my Uncle Ray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

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OK- here's what we do best:

Flushing for World Peace!

An excellent idea! (to flush for world peace)

..but can I just say I disapprove of flushing whilst still sitting LOL! ....and reading as well (of course everyone has their own toilet etiquette :lol: )

...and who knew there was a world toilet organization?..says nothing about reading though - must just be me :lol:


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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That is HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to join! :ph34r:


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

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http://www.youtube.com/results?search_quer...p;search=Search

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!


"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"

- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

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>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

>>to the following questions!!

>>

>>

>>Why did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

>>

>>2. Mostly to clean the house.

>>

>>3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

>>

>>

>>How did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

>>

>>2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

>>

>>3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

>>parts.

>>

>>

>>What ingredients are mothers made of?

>>

>>1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

>>the

>>world and one dab of mean.

>>

>>2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

>>string

>> I think

>>

>>

>>Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?

>>

>>1. We're related

>>

>>2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

>>

>>

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.

>>

>>

>>What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

>>

>>1. His last name.

>>

>>2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk

>>on

>>beer?

>>

>>3. Does he make a t least $800 a year? Did he say NO to dr ugs and YES to

>>chores?

>>

>>

>>Why did your mom marry your dad?

>>

>>1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

>>

>>2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

>>

>>3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

>>

>>

>>Who's the boss at your house?

>>

>>1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

>>ball.

>>

>>2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

>>

>>3. I guess Mom is. But only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

>>

>>

>>What's the difference between moms & dads?

>>

>>1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

>>

>>2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

>>

>>3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

>>that

>>s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

>>

>>4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

>>

>>What does your mom do in her spare time?

>>

>>1. Mothers don't do spare time.

>>

>>2. To hear her tell it, she pay s bills all day long.

>>

>>

>>What would it take to make your mom perfect?

>>

>>1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

>>plastic surgery.

>>

>>2. Diet, you know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

>>

>>

>>If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

>>

>>1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

>>that.

>>

>>2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did

>>it

>>and not me.

>>

>>3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

>>her head.


"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"

- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

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http://www.youtube.com/results?search_quer...p;search=Search

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!

LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

Hee-hee :D

These are of course all true!! ;)

..but these in particular made me laugh as I know my kids think like this :lol:

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:

Sadly- TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went with the rake handle. I bet that thing would make a darn good margarita (minus the splinters :P ).

This is very silly:


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

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Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:


Patti

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"

"When people show you who they are, believe them"--Maya Angelou

"Bloom where you are planted"--Bev

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Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:

:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

36_35_6[1].gif

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:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!

:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )

Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

36_35_6[1].gif

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Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!

:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFqQOlYE4EE(the things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"

- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the poop out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"

- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

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:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFqQOlYE4EE(the things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )

OMG- THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hind-lick maneuver :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jestgar- Vodka has the SAME effect on me- JUST ASK MY POOR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's another from my uncle:

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

36_35_6[1].gif

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Thanks for the great jokes guys !!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

(Bev, I LOVE your uncle!! ;) )

We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.


It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required - Sir Winston Churchill

Nikki

Son diagnosed with Coeliac Disease Oct 2006 by biopsy (at age 13yrs)

black_cat.gif

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We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I love my uncle too- he's a hoot!

YouTube Video of the Day. It's

This song CRACKS me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's by Ill Mitch (NOT in the video). He's a Russian skateboarder. Silly!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's his webpage: Ill Mitch


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

36_35_6[1].gif

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"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I totally didn't see that coming!!


"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"

- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

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Ok, now this cracks me up :D

Visa add some charge to my card, it was 27p (about 40c) but I have no other transacations that month on that card.

I forget what is was a currency transaction... some surcharge they added the followingg month.

it costs me about 50% more to post a cheque (standard rate) and about 20x more for a guaranteed delivery...

Today I get my bill ... 12 pounds for late payment .. total 12.27

yeah I realise its a contract and its still trivial money but are they serious...

I just find the whole thing rather funny!


Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. (JC, De Bello Gallico Liber III/XVIII)

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Oh...don't get me started!!!!! They'll send you a bill for $0.05 if they want it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evil (we need a little devil icon)


***************************

Beverly

Gluten free since 2005

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

Albert Careb

36_35_6[1].gif

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