Is This A Jelous Friend?

[LoveBeingATwin]

I have been friends with this person for a couple of years. We use to work together and then we parted jobs. We kept in touch for a while, but then everything feel apart. My husband and I built a house, graduated from college, got engaged (at the time her and I were still good friends). It seemed like she was never happy for me and then when I got engaged she all of a sudden got engaged like a week later.

Here is my concern..Once we parted jobs, she would call only if she had gotten something new or if she wanted to tell me about her life. She never asked how I was doing or anything, it was always about her. So I never called back and we both missed out of each others weddings. Almost a year later I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt. No reply and then a year later she calls me. She told me that she moved and lost my letter with my number. I was really happy to hear from here but all she wanted to do was to compare notes. She asked me about my wedding, the size of my ring, what car I am drivng now, etc.

What do I do? I get so frustrated that she is like that. I don't know if she intentially does it or not, but it is getting really OLD. I just want to confront her and tell her, but at the same time I really enjoy talking to her when it's not about HER. She is a very sweet person also. Deep down I really think she is a very insecure person and this is the only way she knows how to make herself feel better. I on the other hand am not. I don't like to brag about the things I have. I am very appreciative for them, however it is not my style to always compare materialistic things I have/get with my friends. I need advise because I obviously care for her as a friend I just don't want to feel like the only reason she calls me is to compare stuff.

[Jestgar]

Maybe you could just grit your teeth and go through all of the comparisons at once. Make sure to find things that she has done "better" at and some you have. When you've exhausted all the obvious make some comment like "well now that we've completely caught up let's never do that again. I've missed hearing your opinions and your jokes and I don't want to talk about "things" anymore."

That being said, I have a friend that only talks about herself and her family and their accomplishments. I just go with it and limit our visits to: when I'm in the mood to just hear about her. People are different. If you find enough qualities in her that you enjoy you'll find a way to deal with her approach. If not, you'll just end the friendship. Life is ever changing.

[blueeyedmanda]

It does sound like she is insecure or is struggling with her own self. Like you said, she is a sweet person so this does not help the situation. I would try talking to her one last time. Maybe say, I really value our friendship but it feels like a competition to me. Instead of seeing who has the bigger ring, faster car, bigger house, why don't we celebrate everything we have accomplished.

Is this a friend you have grown up with?

It is hard to be in a spot like this. Obviously, when you parted ways a year or so ago it doesn't seem like you were all that bothered by her absence. Maybe she is worried that she knows you do not need her to be happy or to get things in your life.

I am not very good at this one, it is a tough call no matter what. I hope it all gets figured out.

[Lisa]

Kimberly:

I have know people like that my entire life. At 52, I am less tolerant of it with new people that I talk too.

I do have a friend of almost 30 years and she is much like that. I mention something about me and the conversation immediatly returns to herself. She is currently dealing with a butt of a husband, a 25 year old son with addictive tendencies and living at home after parcial college, her parents need to be in a care center and she can't climb out of "it's all about me".

Sometimes it's good to talk to a friend who will just listen but sometimes we need just to listen. I guess that is why I spend so much time here.

I think you friend is looking for something that you can provide. If that responsibility bothers you, you can slowly back off. But, I commend you for your concern. Remember that copying your actions is a back door complement.

I do think that there is quite a bit of insecurity here, but yet, not your responsibility.

[CarlaB]

It sounds like she's insecure and somehow holds you to be the "ideal." Rather than compare notes, just commend her on how well she's doing.

Try to talk about what's important, like your marriage rather than your ring. The places you're going rather than your car.

If she keeps trying, just tell her you don't want to compare who has what.

[Nancym]

Well, I give you all a lot of credit. Frankly I can't stand self-centered people and I just avoid them.

[Canadian Karen]

Well, if it were me, if she calls, writes, whatever, be pleasant, but nothing more....

People like that are not who I try to surround myself with - materialistic people tend to be rather shallow.....

[nikki-uk]

Sounds like we all know/have known someone like that!!!

It's ironic that if you are not the type to be materialistic all *that bragging* flies right over your head - as you wish them well without any feelings of jealousy yourself

Without realising it you are probably a 'good listener' - but sometimes you need it to work the other way.

Me? - I would ask myself 'would she listen and empathise if I needed to talk??'

I'd also ask myself 'what am I getting out of this relationship?'

If it's all give, give on your part then is it worth it?

I have a friend like yours - it's taken me years to realise and *see* it....but there are aspects of her personality I like.

I've really cut back on the amount of time I see her (gosh! there's only so much I can take of her 'wonderful life! ) and that suits me.

I *know* in my heart of hearts I couldn't really rely on her in a crisis --but sometimes it's nice to hear from her, she is entertaining if nothing else!!

[Jestgar]

--but sometimes it's nice to hear from her, she is entertaining if nothing else!!

That's it exactly. My friend is great when I just want someone to tell me stories and requires nothing of me except nodding and smiling.