Husband Still Doubts Dx...getting So Tired Of It!

[Sweetfudge]

whenever i get sick, he gets annoyed that i "assume" it's gluten. he seems to think this is in my head, and doubts my dx. positive blood work, inflamed intestines (which he said could be from a variety of things, not just celiac), and most recently a skin-prick allergy test that came back as positive to wheat. what am i supposed to do? he grills me about what i've eaten when i say i'm sick, then gets mad when i jump to the conclusion that it's gluten. he also says that i shouldn't be THAT sick if i just inhaled a crumb...

he also seems to think that i am being a hypocondriac and looking for thihgs to be wrong. i keep telling him that i'm simply trying to FIX what's wrong. how do i do this? i'ts making me nuts.

[sickchick]

I am so sorry for you... you must be really frustrated.

[blueeyedmanda]

SweetFudge,

I am so sorry that he doubts you. This is the last thing you need right now, especially after all the stress you are getting from the job. My best advice to you is sit down and have a very serious discussion with him. Tell him how bad you feel when he doubts you. it may take you a lot longer until you feel much better on the diet, I am not sure how far out you are from the initial diagnosis. Alot of our members are very sensitive and some get sick from inhaling flour in the bakery section of the grocery store. It is very possible to be sick from a tiny crumb. How long has your husband been with you since going gluten free? Had he seen you at your worst?

I am sure it is frustrating to our loved ones, unless they have walked a day in our shoes they may not 100% undertstand our troubles. I really hope you can find a way to make him understand. It sounds as if you have more than enough proof that you are celiac. Sadly, even that is not enough for someone to believe us. I really hope all works out for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Remember if you ever need anything just pm.

[Guest Happynwgal2]

whenever i get sick, he gets annoyed that i "assume" it's gluten. he seems to think this is in my head, and doubts my dx. positive blood work, inflamed intestines (which he said could be from a variety of things, not just celiac), and most recently a skin-prick allergy test that came back as positive to wheat. what am i supposed to do? he grills me about what i've eaten when i say i'm sick, then gets mad when i jump to the conclusion that it's gluten. he also says that i shouldn't be THAT sick if i just inhaled a crumb...

he also seems to think that i am being a hypocondriac and looking for thihgs to be wrong. i keep telling him that i'm simply trying to FIX what's wrong. how do i do this? i'ts making me nuts.

Wow, I am SO sorry you are having such problems... Is there somebody you can talk with, who you trust, who could maybe help "mediate" this problem between the two of you?

There is no doubt you are SICK - no matter what anybody says. You feel it in your body - listen to your body and BELIEVE your body. Do not give in the pressure of minimizing your illness; that only makes it worse.

I would really encourage you to find somebody to talk with who in turn could perhaps have a talk with him, and the two of you together.

Good luck...

[tarnalberry]

I think part of the problem is that he's not wrong. He's not right either.

We - most celiacs I've met and most of us on this board - tend to assume that if we get sick with symptoms even somewhat similar to our gluten symptoms, we must have gotten gluten. Not only can we not prove that or ever be certain of that unless we specifically, intentionally ate something with gluten (either our own decision or someone else's), but we can't prove that it wasn't something else (in most cases) that didn't cause the symptoms. That's the whole point - we don't "feel" causes, we "feel" effects/symptoms.

At the same time, it doesn't matter. Neither does it matter whether it was gluten that got you sick (other than making sure that you identify if there was gluten in something you had so you don't have it again) or it was something else (again, for the same reason). My husband had noted a similar sentiment to me at one point, and once he understood that I wasn't saying "gluten always must be the source of what ails me", and rather "I really want to rule out that it wasn't this thing I already need to avoid, or at least put my mind at ease that it isn't something more serious", he was more understanding.

[Merika]

Hi Sweetfudge,

(((sigh))) husbands can take a long time to adjust to a diagnosis of celiac. You have my sympathy.

I agree with tarnalberry too. It is often hard to tell what is from gluten/illness/general-poor-health. As you get more experience with eating gluten-free, you will have fewer issues with this. But it takes practice and practice takes time. There is no shortcut.

Your dh is probably undergoing lots of emotions which he doesn't want to burden you with or even understand or expect. It changes his life too. If you've been sick and feeling icky for a long time, you many welcome the diagnosis and be quite happy to make changes in your life. He, however, has not been ill, and may be more resistant to changes.

I know it's frustrating not to feel supported at a time like this. My dh was "fully supportive" of my going gluten-free and was accepting of the diagnosis. That said, he was also internally very angry about how it changed his own life and his view of our past together, etc. If your spouse associates food and love or any other emotion, I think it is harder for them.

Best wishes, keep talking with him, and remember to keep non-gluten conversation at the dinner table too,

Merika

gluten-free since 2004

[shimo]

whenever i get sick, he gets annoyed that i "assume" it's gluten. he seems to think this is in my head, and doubts my dx. positive blood work, inflamed intestines (which he said could be from a variety of things, not just celiac), and most recently a skin-prick allergy test that came back as positive to wheat. what am i supposed to do? he grills me about what i've eaten when i say i'm sick, then gets mad when i jump to the conclusion that it's gluten. he also says that i shouldn't be THAT sick if i just inhaled a crumb...

he also seems to think that i am being a hypocondriac and looking for thihgs to be wrong. i keep telling him that i'm simply trying to FIX what's wrong. how do i do this? i'ts making me nuts.

The same thing happened to me but I only left my girl do that for the first few days. After warning her dozens of times I left her. Even though it was not and it's definately not being easy - I cannot live with someone that does not understand me. (we were not married but we were living together for sometime)

By the way my girlfriend also called me hypocondriac too. Exactly the same behaviour. I just thought about my health and voila, believe it or not I left her after that. Not that I want your relationship to end, but you CANNOT live with someone like your husband if you have Celiac Disease. (this is what everyone at the local Celiac Disease Support group kept telling me, and I have to tell you the same because it's true)

Actually, make him read my post - he will hate me but i'm fine with that. It will end your relationship one day or another, unless he changes... I am pretty sure one day you'll have had enough.

Unless you want to hear those things the rest of your life which I presume you don't because you seem to be really sad and frustrated with all that.

I promised myself never to get into any relationship until I feel 100% healthy (because now i have control over everything i eat), plus if one day I do that it might be with a Celiac girl or a similar condition. I would feel safe that way. Now with non-celiacs this is sometimes very frustrating (there are many exceptions of course - it depends on each one).

I even created a new topic for this same situation a few minutes ago, it's just intolerable.

Since you're married I recommend you to sit down and talk to him, and show him that you're not satisfied at all and if it continues you might leave him, make sure he understands the message.

If he doesn't, then he doesn't really care much about you or your condition. (i'm sorry but I don't know what else to say)

I know exactly what you're going through though, and wish you the very best of luck, just remember that if he continues to act like that, you will always be sick... so if he equals a disease, why would you be with him?

Explain all this to him first. He probably didn't get the severity of your condition yet.

[mftnchn]

One thing I want to suggest is that when each of us goes gluten-free we go through our own adjustment period. That can take quite awhile, and we have our bodies telling us that we HAVE to do this. Our partner doesn't have to. They have their own adjustment to make, which is probably even harder: giving up these foods because they love us and want to be with us. They don't have the physical reactions that we do that underscores it. And it does effect our relationship.

I think we need to be patient with them.

My husband did fine with the gluten-free adjustment. But in the past we had to do several other adjustments that were harder for him. I remember distinctly the painful struggle that we had over one of these changes in the early '90's.

What helped was that I was patient, that I tried to clearly answer his questions without getting upset, and admitted that I didn't know always. I would discuss the reasons that I had made the decision to do this for my health. I found that he would accept it and respect me even if he didn't always agree.

What was neat is that over time, he learned from me, and became totally supportive, even could explain to other people. And as I said, later adjustments have been easier.

I agree that it is incredibly important to sit down and discuss it. Also I suggest making an appointment or plan to talk, not waiting until you have a disagreement and try to talk about it then. Give room for each other to disagree and to have strong emotions about it. Negotiate how to bring this up. I think it is important that you hear what he is thinking, so he feels respected (sounds like he does care about you getting better). Also at the same time, you can ask him to honor some "hows" about using certain ways to talk to you about it so you don't feel such pressure. If you disagree, do it respectfully--agree to disagree for a time, and revisit it in the future.

Realize that your relationship will meet challenges like this over time, and if you can successfully grow through them, it will help you in the future.

Also, I agree with what has been said, talk about something else too! It is easy for us to talk a lot about celiac when we are in our first few months of adjustment. Eventually we'll re-enter life with this as only a minor part, but right now it seems like everything.

Well that's a lot, hopefully some is useful to you. Hang in there, Sweetfudge.

BTW there is a really great couple communication program available in most areas. I recommend it to any couple, young or old, and think it is the best investment you could make in your relationship. You can learn about it at www.couplecommunication.com.

[Guest thatchickali]

Tell him if he wants more proof to back up your diagnosis for him to order you the enterolab test kit. I had a negative bloodwork and negative biopsy, then saw a doctor who believes the stool test is the most accurate because you don't have to be currently consuming gluten for it, but I might not have been eating gluten before my blood testing.

Turned out it was positive. Plus it's something that you don't have to see a doctor for you just order it yourself and it sends you your results to do what you want with them.

[blueeyedmanda]

Sweet Fudge--How are things doing with your husband now, it has been a few days since this thread was started. Hope all is well.

[sparkles]

This is probably really harsh but I would sometimes like to surprise my non celiac friends with a little ex-lax (or maybe a LOT) in some brownies. Wait for the intestinal pain and embarrassing trip to the bathroom and then say, "Oh my, it must be CC with the ex-lax that was on the shelf." I know, I know, it is a little weird... but it might get the point across. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words!!!! I would probably like to add, "Gee, I didn't know such a little bit could hurt you....." Okay, so tonight I am a little off but it might help teach some of them a lesson.

[mustluvcats]

When I first started having my problems my husband doubted me as well. And even now sometimes my family will kid me about the wheat problem. It is un-nerving sometime. What I have tried to do and you probably will have to do the same, is to educate them. Everytime something in the news is mentioned about wheat/gluten or I spot articles that are written about the subject, I bring them up. The more information they have from others, they will slowly come around. I hear all the time, about how no one has ever heard of this before. Then the next time you talk to them, they suddenly know someone with the same problem. I truly believe there are alot of people walking around with problems that they are not aware of.

My husband started to come around when I mentioned and showed him several large restaurant chains that come out with gluen free menus. Tell him if it were all in your head, why are things slowly coming around to inform people? Then if after you have done all you can do, then you will have to just be strong enough and secure enough with yourself that you have to do what is best for you. I now do my thing and if they like it fine and if they don't thats fine to. You have one obligation and that is to yourself. No one knows what it is like, other than the ones that have gone through it, what it feels like to be sick and in pain. I went through a spell where I felt really left out and down because I couldn't eat all the things that I use to and that everyone else was having. Not to mention the comments that were made. Then someone said to me, just be glad you were able to find out what it was that was making you sick. That is more than half the battle. You now know what you have to do to make yourself better. Your wellness is in your hands now! You can and you will gain strength from your knowledge. Hang in there and take care of yourself!!