How To Get A Partner To Understand And Support?

[Quasior]

There was a similar post here. But this is completely different too.

My partner is always undermining my pov when we are talking to other people about ceoliac disease. It is just that I haven't got the biopsy, but the tests other than that have all been done and come back positive including the DNA test, which is more recent. I went gluten-free when I couldn't go out without fear of having accidents. It was a lonely painful time as I was often doubled over in pain for days at a time. 3 days later after going gluten-free things started improving.

Before I had the DNA test done, he was always saying he had his doubts, he knew I had it bad but he still seemed to have doubts. It was enough for me to have 'proof' that it was real and not just in my head. My doctor all but confirmed it on the basis of my fantastic improvements on the gluten-free diet. He now grudgingly accepts I probably do have it. Not too long ago he tells me that when I'm feeling better I should go on the gluten challenge and get a biopsy. I was so upset considering how I was when I get glutened! I was angry and upset. If it was good enough for the doctor and myself why can't he just support me on this?

And then there is the children... At least 3 suffer from Diahrea, ALL the time (or did). Raven who I have previously mentioned has been the worst, bloating and classic symptoms since he began to eat as a baby. I had no idea then but I'd accomodate so he wasnt in so much pain all of the time during nappy changes... I talked often and with many drs who didn't point us in any useful direction.

Until recently I got a good DR who got both of us the DNA test, while mine was positive it was just with one marker, Raven has both! The dr thinks we should go ahead with the biopsy for Raven's sake, so it can be proven and when he's a teen he'll KNOW, but we can wait and just keep him gluten-free until then. He's improving but its been slow! My partner has been all about, "why isn't he better yet?" "When is there going to be some sign he's getting better?" that was in his first month. Its taken a couple of months to see some kind of improvement, he is not so bloated, hes got energy (before he was so fatigued he rarely did anything but sit there listlessly watching TV or he might pretend to read a book - hes 4 btw).

Then his little 2 yo sister got worse with diahrea. She was so bad (lost nearly 2 kilos in a month!). I took her off dairy, she got worse (like me - I was off dairy 2 months before I was gluten-free and it was the worst 2 months of my life). The doctor insisted as she was so bad even though the results were negative to treat for nasty parasites first. She's just finished that shes still got diahrea and I want her gluten-free NOW! He doesn't want to yet. Its frustrating and I just wish he could trust me.

Yesterday I was reminded by a very nasty incident that my oldest boy, 8, has severe diahrea and has had for over a year (he says as long as he can remember). He has begged me on numerous occasions to just let him go gluten-free (and I did for a while but partner decided to put him back on full diet). He's begging me again, he told my partner he is sick of being sick. So he told him he can go off milk but not gluten until we get him to a dr and insist he be looked at separately (as they were more concerned with raven then his little sis). I'm beside myself with guilt and I am so upset as I've been worrying after the little two and had somehow put him outside my mind. Now I just want hiim to go gluten-free but partner won't let me (I'm waiting on a dr appt who knows when?), and going off milk in my experience just makes things worse if the gluten isn't removed too. The tests he insists at very least DNA before going gluten-free.

It all boils down to affording it - I think. We aren't well off at all, and this will increase our financial burdens considerably. But I don't care, I am more concerned they have quality of health, but how can I make my partner see it from my POV? Am I being selfish about this? Please help, thanks, Julie.

[txplowgirl]

Hi Julie,

First off, I do not think you are selfish, you are worried about your children and you are also overwhelmed. As for your partner, i'm sorry, but in my opinion he is the one that's selfish. Has he read any of the literature on gluten and it's effects? Those poor children are suffering. I was in a marriage for 21 years where it was his way all the time and he was very emotionally and verbally abusive expecially when I was really sick. I finally had to leave to get better. Anyway, if you can, you need to sit him down and try to explain your fears and concerns. All I can say is good luck and hope everything works out.

[ciavyn]

Wow. Quasior - I'm so sorry to hear you are having all these issues. And you are right - you are scared for your kids and their health, and your S.O. isn't sympathetic at all, it seems. Just a couple of thoughts, from someone who has a psych degree and husband...which qualifies me to give crockpot advice for $0.05 per session!

1. If it is truly a budgeting concern...because of some poor financial decisions, my family and I (read: me) had to sit down and make some decisions about our spending. Since I run the budget, I took a hi-tech approach: a 3x5 card and a pencil. I wrote down all our bills, their approximate amounts (do the best you can), and put "w" for "want" and "n" for "need" by each. In our house, television and internet are needs - possible death and destruction could erupt without them...so be realistic on what you can truly give up. Cut the things you can, and then call every creditor/bill and see if you can get your bills lowered. We've lowered our bills by almost 600 bucks a month...a killing, let me tell you. I had NO idea how much we were spending on things, even when I wrote the checks! It is a tough economy, and competition is fierce among utility providers and entertainment companies...take advantage of it.

2. I has NO idea then that I would starting a gluten free diet. After I figured out that gluten was an issue for me, when we talked about it as a family, I had already found $ in the budget to use for the higher expenses. So...guess what? It's not as expensive as you think it is when it's not prepackaged food. We shop primarily in the produce and meat aisles, and spend only a little more than we did before. Again, two birds with one stone: had found money in the budget and I prep food to use throughout the week (and believe me, I run on a very tight schedule with a 40+ hour job, gym attendance, two kids, social groups, etc.)

3. Make foods the S.O. will like. My husband whines and moans when I'm making something that is "healthy." But make the man meat and mashed potatoes, and suddenly I'm a wonderful cook and why didn't we eat like this before? I took away yet another excuse: that he won't eat well. He loves the food I make now, because I'm cooking (and I'm good at it) and we are eating at home...which makes him feel like we are saving money...which we kind of are, since we aren't eating out as much. And I buy him his cheap processed goodies, like pretzels and chips (which I can have too!) and bread.

Do you see what I'm suggesting? Perhaps you are with someone who is completely unreasonable, and in that case, you will have to make some tough decisions. If he's not completely unreasonable, then you have some wiggle room. When you try to convince someone to completely change their life, to suddenly eat differently from everyone else (from his perspective), and you are emotional over it to boot (I don't know about you, but I am!), it causes resistance like no other. You are both fighting for what you know and believe. Does he want good things for the kids? If not, again, you are with an unreasonable person. If he does, then you probably share the same goals - just different perspectives.

Anyway, that is what has worked in my house. My husband now eats spinach and fish, the occasional piece of broccoli, and has even been eyeing up my tofu dips. This is a man who thinks a snickers bar is breakfast, doritos make a whole grain lunch, and lays chips and ice cream work well for dinner. Trust me...it can be done.

[jackay]

I wish the best for you and your kids. You will have to do a lot more "from scratch" cooking which takes time. Once your children all feel better the extra time spent on cooking will be welll worth it.

Give your kids all hugs from me!

[seezee]

I wish the best for you and your kids. You will have to do a lot more "from scratch" cooking which takes time. Once your children all feel better the extra time spent on cooking will be welll worth it.

Give your kids all hugs from me!

I guess not knowing your partner, it's not clear what he needs to be convinced about or what works for him.

Some ideas:

1. Meet together with the person who diagnosed your child and have him/her explain how serious it it.

2. Wait and show?

3. As a family we went to an hour long celiac class with the nutritionist - I found it super helpful. She not only explained how to shop but showed slides of damaged villi. She also explained how to read labels and cook, set up our kitchen (gluten-free or shared), and many other things.

4. Buy a book and leave it out - like Dan Korn's raising our celiac kids or some other resources on Amazon on celiac. Depends on partners style. There are cartoon books to serious medical type things.

[Ahorsesoul]

Julie,

Doesn't it all boil down to are you going to let your partner continue to force your children to be sick? If your partner wants to wait until they have been tested he can fork out the money to do so. Dear partner can work an extra job for a few month to get the extra money. This is his problem. Might be hard but being sick is harder for kids. Are you sure this isn't a control issue instead?

You alread have the medical tests showing it runs in the family. Testing everyone really isn't needed to go gluten free. If they have the symptoms, going probably gluten free will help.

It hard to believe that food, that is suppose to be good for us is making people sick. As a nurse it took me years to come to grips with this so I know how unbelieving it seems.

You know in your heart what you need to do.

[A&Z'S MOM]

I just when thru your post and I understand where u are coming from

[SD77]

So sorry you are going through these issues!! I kinda went through it for a while; when I came to the conclusion that my son (2years old) had a problem with gluten, my husband thought I was nuts. I couldn't trust him to keep gluten away from our son, so I basically didn't let him give him any food I didn't approve. After a month, my older son gave the 2 year old crackers, not realizing that he shouldn't, and the 2 year old freaked out, and had diarrhea for two days. I let my husband change some of the diapers of course:-) After that, my husband has not questioned it.

Good Luck!!!

Shannon