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Sending Sympathy Cards

debmidge

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debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted

Question: Do you send a sympathy card to both cousins separately or is it OK to just send one card? Need unbiased opinion.

You live in Canada and your blood aunt/uncle passes away in United States (let's say Ohio). You grew up in Michigan, but saw your 2 cousins in Ohio often - birthday parties, major holidays, etc. They got your hand-me-downs, you went to carnivals with them, etc. You stayed overnight at their house often and they returned the favor.

Eventually you all grew up - sent one another birthday cards and Christmas cards, etc. After a while most of you dropped the birthday cards and only did Christmas cards and that was Ok too.

Anyway, your last parent passes away, and your close relatives all send their sympathy cards to your sibling at your sibling's address - but you do not live with or near your sibling. In fact, you do not get any sympathy card from that side of the family. Their cards are addressed to your sister Sharon and her husband, Robert Jones; and Michele, your wife and John Brown (yourself) but mailed to Sharon and Robert's home.

Should a sympathy card sender send one card to both of the cousins as if they all lived together or should the card sender acknowledge that these people run separate households and lives and purchase (or craft, if they are that broke) two cards: one for the greiving sister and one for the greiving brother?

My vote was since there are only two offspring of the deceased parent and they do not live together nor near one another, the card senders should have bought/made 2 cards - one for each offspring. I relied on the "Be Nice" "Treat someone like you would want to be treated" theories.

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kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

I think that if they don't live anywhere close to each other, send each a card or note. Sometimes people send one to the family that is in the town with the funeral figuring everyone would see it when in town for the funeral.

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
  • Author

I think that if they don't live anywhere close to each other, send each a card or note. Sometimes people send one to the family that is in the town with the funeral figuring everyone would see it when in town for the funeral.

I didn't think of it in that context. Thanks for sharing.

ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted

I am sorry for your families loss.

I am in this situation now with the exception that we are not close now. Problem for me is I can find an address for one cousin but the other is unlisted. I will be sending the card for the unlisted cousin tucked inside the one who's address I can find. Best solution I can think of.

luvs2eat Collaborator
luvs2eat
Posted

I've sent letters (I always write a letter when sending sympathy thoughts) to one cousin and asked that they share my letter w/ their siblings as I'm thinking of all of them, rather than sending each one a separate but similar letter. But they all live close to each other and see each other often.

I understand your hurt, tho.

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
  • Author

I've sent letters (I always write a letter when sending sympathy thoughts) to one cousin and asked that they share my letter w/ their siblings as I'm thinking of all of them, rather than sending each one a separate but similar letter. But they all live close to each other and see each other often.

I understand your hurt, tho.

Luvstoeat: Yes it happened to us. At the time of his mother's death, my dear husband (let's pretend his name is John) was hurt when we checked our mail and were perplexed that no relative sent him a personal sympathy card. John has 5 cousins on the opposite coast & we do send Christmas cards to them and they to us (so they do have the address).

We did not meet up at his sister's place after the funeral service, so we did not get to even read the cards for our selves (he feels his name was written down in the card as an after thought) My sister in law mentioned it over the phone that the saluation stated Ann (daughter) & Bill and Deb & John (son). John felt weird NOT receiving a sympathy card on the death of his last parent - not one card sent to his own home (we live a distance from his sister). As far as he knew, there were no strains in the relationships and quite the contrary, when their parent passed away a few months earlier, my husband John wrote a separate card to each of these cousins along with a short letter describing how much fun they all had when they used to live along border of two states - a different worded letter to each cousin. To a couple of the cousins, at one point, he included a "1 of a kind" duplicate photo which should have put a smile on their face. Photos they forgot being in from when they were children.

I don't read Emily Post so I don't know the rules about sympathy cards - I would imagine if the spouse was alive the main card would go to the surviving spouse. But what are the rules about sympathy cards to the children when there are no parents remaining? Should each get their own or one big one is sent; but to which child? Should it be the oldest child - that wouldn't be fair to the younger child. Should it be sent to the child who lived with or closest to the parent, but that wouldn't be fair to the other child whose life had restraints and could not move any closer.

I still feel that if it's family, each child should receive their own card "Our Sympathy in the Passing of Your Mother/Father." It will eliminate hurt feelings. And after all, as to cost of card and postage, a parent only dies once - so you won't have to send it again and again.

We thought the "collective card" only made sense if we lived with his sister or with his mother, but we do not, nor ever did.

conniebky Collaborator
conniebky
Posted

Well, IMHO, your husband, "john" has class.

All my family lives near each other and we don't really send sympathy cards cuz we're all there at the house, etc., . I don't know if it's a Southern thing, but around here we wait until 2-3 weeks after the "event" and send a card or bring something over to eat, whatever, cuz after all the "hoopla" is over, and everyone has gone back to their normal routines, that's when the lonliness sets in at the home.

When my fiance passed, I don't think I got any sympathy cards, I'm sure I didn't, cuz I know I'd still have them. But I don't know about the long distance thing.

But if, say, my Aunt Shirley sent one to my sister and not me, I tell ya the truth, I'd be INDIGNANT! Seriously, that would tear me up. :(

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