I'm Just Really Blue Tonight

[Harpgirl]

Does anyone else think it's unfair for my husband to compare me to his mother when it comes to how well (or not) I manage our kids? Our boys are 1 and 3, and though they run me ragged at times, I'm so not done. I want at least one more so bad, I imagine another playing with the 2 we've got already, or how they react when I bring a new baby home from the hospital. But my husband has always wanted only 2 and is especially insistent upon it now because of "all" my health issues (many of you seem to have it much worse than me, I consider myself lucky). But when the boys give me a rough day or I've been glutened, we don't have any family to rely on nearby to help out, so I end up calling him at work, desperate to know how soon he can come home. I know I shoot myself in the foot for that, but some days I really can't think of anything else to do. Tonight, he said that his mom didn't have the same kind of "breakdowns" that I seem to have and she had 6 kids. So (in his mind) how am I supposed to handle anymore? I don't think that's a fair comparison, first of all, I'M NOT HER! Second, he was the last of the 6. I'm sure she had motherhood down cold by then!

Tonight, he brought up getting a vasectomy because I don't want to go on birth control. I'm hesitant about birth control because I'm unclear on the whole abortofactient (sp?) issue and I'm not sure I want to go and mess with my hormones right now anyway. This whole subject has really got me weepy and I can't sleep, so...anyway. I guess I just need to vent a bit.

I just get really annoyed when he starts comparing me to his family. Another thing he did tonight was comment on how much I play games on the computer. When I need a break after he comes home or after the kids are asleep, I'll veg out playing a few pogo games. "No one in my family plays computer games," he said, almost haughty. In my family we do, and he just doesn't see the draw at all. It's not like I'm spending my entire day glued to Canasta. But that's what he sees me do sometimes when he comes home, so to him I spend my day on the computer. Why do men think that way? My step-dad does the same thing to my mom.

[Skylark]

Awww, what a rough night you're having. ((hug)) This anxiety you're feeling may get a lot better in the coming months off gluten. It really affects our minds in bad ways.

I can't tell you what's fair and not. It's YOUR marriage. I can tell you most men think their mothers were goddesses and we girlfriends and wives come up short more often than we might like. If YOU don't think it's fair, you have to tell him so, but gently and in a way that he will listen. You have to respect that love for his mother that has him putting her on a pedestal.

It sounds like you need some resources to get you through the rough days. This will improve as the gluten-free diet takes hold. Over the next few months you may realize that hard days don't seem so stressful any more and you are calmer. You may be able to go without calling your hubby at work, which it sounds like he would appreciate. In the meanwhile, are you friends with any other local moms who might be able to bring their kids by and supervise the crowd? You could give them an afternoon off the days you are feeling well. What about a local teenager you might hire after school some days to help babysit for a couple hours?

If two kids are hard for you to cope with right now, doesn't it kind of make sense to wait bit for the next? Aren't you just diagnosed? You need a chance to heal! Have you considered getting a diaphragm? They don't have the abortifacient issue any more than the pill does. It's only IUD and the morning-after pill that cause you to shed a fertilized egg.

I wonder if you could find a computer game your hubby enjoys playing with you? There's gotta be something out there!

[ravenwoodglass]

You haven't been diagnosed long and you are still healing. You both need to have a bit of patience with how long it can take to heal fully. Chances are you have been ill for quite a while and that is how he thinks of you and it may take time before he realizes that that you are not your disease.

You should talk to him about holding off on any permanent birth control for at least 6 months. During this time you could use condoms or another barrier method for birth control. Birth control pills do not cause you to terminate a pregnacy but if you do not want to use a hormonal birth control that is up to you. If he has always said he only wanted 2 children there may be nothing that changes that. Talk to him about why he only wants two, it may have more to do with the cost of raising and educating children than your ability to parent.

If he objects to your game playing after the kids are in bed and the day is done he may be feeling neglected. Could you get some board games or other stuff you could play together? That might help that issue.

It sounds like you could use some couples counseling if he will go with you to discuss some of the other issues like the comparing you to his Mom. If he won't go then consider going on your own to help you learn to deal with this unfortunate habit of his.

[Jestgar]

Well crap. He's being a butthead and I'm sorry. :)

You did remind me of a story I overheard one guy at work telling another. He's one of those "I'm the man and my wife does all the child care" kinda guys. Well, one weekend his wife left him with the kids while she went to visit her parents out of state, so Mr Macho had full care of both boys for two whole days. He came back to work and was telling this to another guy and finished with "Now I understand why sometimes I get home, and all I hear is the car start up, and my wife drives away...."

Maybe give hubby a weekend alone with the boys and let him figure out how 'not simple' it really is.

[celiac-mommy]

Maybe give hubby a weekend alone with the boys and let him figure out how 'not simple' it really is.

I tried this, and it backfired. I don't let the kids watch more than an hour of tv each day and I have them outside playing, doing chores and activities, etc... He watched football on the main floor all weekend and they watched movies in the basement all weekend. He didn't see what the big deal was. Perhaps I should of made a list of what I do daily for him to try to follow...

[lovegrov]

It really is too early to see how you'll do gluten-free because you simply haven't had time to heal or to learn how to cope. Your husband really shouldn't compare and definitely should hold off on the snipping, however, as you note, you aren't doing yourself any good when you call him at work. Good luck

richard

[mommida]

Perhaps you should just go out for a date. No serious talking about decisions, money, kids, or family.

Then do a family outing with the kids.

You do need to heal before you start making decisions. Your health and being able to care for the children you have are the first priority here.

Husbands should never be so stupid as to compare the wife to the mother. Sometimes the way your spouse says something comes accross as to blunt or hurtful.

He says... I only want two kids.

You might have heard, My mom was a better mother. He might have meant, my life fells complete and I am happy the way things are.

Some times it is just really hard being a wife and a mother.

[Harpgirl]

Thanks for the words of comfort and the suggestion everyone I'm going to try some of these and I've talked to one of the other young moms at my church. We're going to do a mommy night out and then give our husbands a Daddy night out. I wanted to talk to her because they have 3 kids a little older than ours.

I'm willing to wait a bit for this third one, but because of my hubby's objections, part of me hopes for an "accident." The abortifacient issue, I understand applies to some regular pills too. It doesn't stop an egg from being fertilized, it just doesn't allow it to implant. I'm pro-life and that just makes me uncomfortable. I'll call my dr to get some clarifications.

In the meantime, I am seeing a therapist for mild anxiety/depression and he has requested my husband come in for one of the sessions to deal with my communication issues. Some of my "issues" stem from my learned behaviors growing up with a manic/depressive father. Maybe this problem will come up too.

[sreese68]

The abortifacient issue, I understand applies to some regular pills too. It doesn't stop an egg from being fertilized, it just doesn't allow it to implant. I'm pro-life and that just makes me uncomfortable. I'll call my dr to get some clarifications.

When I researched this what I found was that the regular birth control pill is designed first and foremost to stop ovulation. So if it's doing it's job and preventing your eggs from making their monthly appearance, it isn't an abortifacient. HOWEVER, it also acts to thin the lining of the uterus, which prevents implantation. So if you skip a pill or are late taking it or something, ovulation can take place, an egg could get fertilized, and the pill would then act as an abortifacient. I stopped taking the pill once I found that out. I was originally told it didn't act as an abortifacient since it prevents ovulation. Unfortunately, that information is only half the story.

My info came from the insert that comes with the pills I used to take (no, I never read it when I started them and also my beliefs changed as I got older). You can also see it here: Open Original Shared Link Scroll down to "How do birth control pills work?"

The Billings Method worked well for us. Both for preventing and conceiving. Natural family planning methods can work well if you're really careful.

I'm sorry I can't help much on the husband front. I do think he should wait on permanent measures until your youngest is a little older. I admit that we sometimes wish we had left that option open even though we have 4!

[Harpgirl]

For those that might be interested, things are slowly getting better. We had a great session with my therapist last week. At least Leo likes him, which is half the battle. We didn't get to discuss the issue I mentioned to begin this thread, because the night before the session, he had an "attack" of his own. At 1 in the morning, he woke me from a medicated sleep to tell me that I needed to be okay with him going back to school and that we needed to put the boys in daycare so that I could go back to work. That's just what was going to happen whether I liked it or not. That obviously took precidence during the therapy session, and he looked sheepish and apologized for it. I'm actually okay with him going back to finish his degree if he wants to, it was just the way he demanded it at 1 in the morning!

Anyway, we still have some issues and I'm anxious for my session tomorrow (which I think is why I feel compelled to vent about it here), because I still feel that at times, he doesn't treat me fairly. Our 1 year old and I have contracted pink eye this past weekend, and this morning I woke up with a fever and sore throat, (which apparently is a seperate bug). He is very upset that I'm sick, because he had his heart set on us going to Busch Gardens and the beach today for his day off. He seems to think that I should still be able to go anyway and he's upset that I don't want to. He has a tendency to do this bartering thing, like I'm his sister and we're swapping chores for favors or something. I don't feel like bartering when I'm sick and it drives me crazy. I'm his wife, he ought to just take care of me when I'm sick the way I do for him, right? BTW, he is not the typical man that is a sick invalid. He tends to get more "military", and has a suck it up attitude. He usually has little sympathy when I come down with something.

I just reread this and I realized, it wasn't that clear. I'm not okay with putting the kids into day care and working. He actually looked it up too, and on a teacher's salary, after paying for day care, it would be as if I were earning $100 a week. He agreed that's not worth it. Hahaha!

[domesticactivist]

I'm glad to read that you *know* you deserve better than this kind of treatment (you do!!!), and that your husband has been willing to try therapy with you.

It makes sense that if your husband is thinking it's time to go back to school that this wouldn't feel like a good time to have another baby. As for the birth control, I know it's not common, but I got pregnant and miscarried on the pill many years ago. I also think it's not great to mess around with hormones, especially when your body is already so out of balance for other reasons. Add to that your feelings about fertilized eggs... it just doesn't sound like a good choice for you right now to me.

What about using a combination of barrier methods and natural family planning? The thing I don't like about NFP and similar methods is that you are supposed to avoid sex at the time of the month that your body actually most wants it and would be most (ahem) satisfied by it. I know people make it work, but you've got to have some serious will-power going on. If you (in your heart of hearts) want another baby, combining that with abstaining when you are most excited just seems like a recipe for #3 to me!

[Harpgirl]

Yay! I've got a terrific update to this! Last night, hubby and I were talking about how well the boys were doing. We've been getting lots of compliments about how much they know for their ages. Leo recognizes now that I've been working with them everyday. I didn't even bring it up, but all of a sudden he got this strange sort of sheepish expression, then struggled to get his words out. Finally, he said that he was okay with having a third! I was sooo surprised and happy! He said that he also noticed that I haven't been calling him as much at work except to know when to have dinner ready, and he also has seen how going gluten-free for the last 3 1/2 months has helped me to deal with life stressors better than I might have in the past. Not to mention increased energy!

[Skylark]

That's wonderful news! I'm so glad to hear you two are sorting things out and that you are happier and hubby is supportive of a third child. It's really funny how much better everything works out gluten-free, when you can deal with little stresses, have some energy, and much less anxiety. I had no idea how much it would change my personality and my life.