A Joke For Today

[squirmingitch]

Hmmmm..... I think I'd like to be up in those passes now shroomie! 93 degrees here today.

[JNBunnie1]

Hmmmm..... I think I'd like to be up in those passes now shroomie! 93 degrees here today.

My house is yellow. Neighbor's gray, light gray, dark gray, nother yellow, and one is this really wierd jaundiced peach, and another one is this horrendous leprous urine orange color. There's one white house on my street. So much for New England being monochromatic!

[IrishHeart]

My house is yellow. Neighbor's gray, light gray, dark gray, nother yellow, and one is this really wierd jaundiced peach, and another one is this horrendous leprous urine orange color. There's one white house on my street. So much for New England being monochromatic!

oh, but That's because your state population has more "sophisticated" taste than the rest of the NE states. (nothing says tasteful like urine orange, yes?)

I bet 1/3 of the houses in VT, NH, Maine, Mass and RI are white..... with green shutters. If you get drunk in Lexington, Mass. for example and try to find your house, you can't. (not that I have any experience with that whatsoever)

Dorchester, the land of the "triple deckahs" is even worse...they all look the same. Row after row after row....if ya can find a spot ta pahk the cah, ya still cah'nt find ya house, fah crissakes.

I haven't lived there for 25 years, but a bahston accent nevah truly dies. Once I hit the Mass pike, it comes right back.

[mushroom]

I haven't lived there for 25 years, but a bahston accent nevah truly dies. Once I hit the Mass pike, it comes right back.

But if yer like me it never comes all the way back!! Everywhere I go, people always ask, "Where you from?" And that includes where I'm from

[IrishHeart]

But if yer like me it never comes all the way back!! Everywhere I go, people always ask, "Where you from?" And that includes where I'm from

eeyup!!

In Noo Yawk, they say "You sound like yer from Bahston"

In Bahston, they say "oh no--now you have a Noo Yawk accent".

I spend a few weeks in Ireland --and I come home with a brogue.

[squirmingitch]

HAPPY IVGLDSW DAY!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the heck happened.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

~ Helen Hayes (at 73) ~

I refuse to think of them as chin hair. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

~Bette Davis~

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. So true!!

If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

[IrishHeart]

Bette Davis' line about old age is the one I stole. I say "Celiac--it ain't for sissies"

but neither is old age....

[GFinDC]

I want to live somewhere where my house can be mango or salmon or

goldfinch colored.

Of course, that brings up the little boxes song.. I couldn't find the video I wanted, it had a view of all the houses in their proper colors. But this one is pretty fun anyway.

[kareng]

Of course, that brings up the little boxes song.. I couldn't find the video I wanted, it had a view of all the houses in their proper colors. But this one is pretty fun anyway.

I love that song! It was great as the opening for Weeds.

[IrishHeart]

Of course, that brings up the little boxes song.. I couldn't find the video I wanted, it had a view of all the houses in their proper colors. But this one is pretty fun anyway.

hahahahahaha

fantastic!

[IrishHeart]

I love that song! It was great as the opening for Weeds.

dang, I missed that show (we have HBO only), should I rent it?

[kareng]

dang, I missed that show (we have HBO only), should I rent it?

The first two or three seasons for sure. After that it gets a bit rediculous .

[IrishHeart]

The first two or three seasons for sure. After that it gets a bit rediculous .

aw, crappers! just like most TV offerings these days.

[psawyer]

From a FaceBook friend currently working in Montreal:

This sums up driving in Montreal......

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[IrishHeart]

This sums up driving in Montreal......

and Boston, and New York, and...

good one, P! :lol:

[IrishHeart]

I am putting this here in case you guys missed it.

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow in London to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired here in the countryside."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks," the owner says.

"That's all?!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a dirty little liar.

He's never been outside of that garden."

[psawyer]

"He's never been outside of that garden."

:lol:

[squirmingitch]

I liked that one Peter!

[IrishHeart]

Bob was in big trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife of forty years was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[IrishHeart]

Love these!

Steven Wright says these:

You can lead a horse to water......but you can't hold his head under.

It's a small world.....but you wouldn't wanna paint it.

>>

>> PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

>>

>>

>> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

>>

>> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

>>

>> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

>>

>> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

>>

>> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

>>

>> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

>>

>> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

>>

>> 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

>>

>> 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

>>

>> 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

>>

>> 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

>>

>> 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

>>

>> 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

>>

>> 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

>>

>> 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

>>

>> 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

>>

>> 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

>>

>> 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

>>

>> 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

>>

>> 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

>>

>> 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

>>

>> 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

>>

>> 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

>>

>> 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

>>

>> 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

>>

>> 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

>>

>> And .........

>> I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now!

>>

>>

>

[squirmingitch]

I like.

[Jestgar]

Dorothy Parker -

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one b@st@rd.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.

And there was that wholesale libel on a Yale prom: If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, Mrs Parker said, she wouldn't be at all surprised.

[IrishHeart]

Dorothy Parker -

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

Good ones, Jess. I'm a Parker fan.

[squirmingitch]

Applauding Jestgar!

[squirmingitch]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.