How To Make Someone Understand

[ravenwoodglass]

I know there isn't really an answer for this but I just need to vent I guess.

I have a close freind, really my only freind, who eats out for just about every meal. When we get together he always wants to stop and get coffee or something to eat. I am incredibly sensitive to CC and rarely eat out. I have tried getting coffee a few times but I hate it black and no place has just milk it seems they all have creamers with soy. Soy doesn't like me although the effects most times are not as severe as with gluten. Sure I would love to go to restaurants that have gluten free menu's but we all know that doesn't mean that we are not going to get glutened. I hate being this paranoid but I also hate having a 3 day GI bleed and taking 3 weeks to feel normal again along with picking my hair up off of everything and then waiting months for it to grow back.

I know I need to just speak up and say that I would love to have dinner with him but that I would need to cook it myself either at his house or mine. I am just afraid of alienating someone I really care for alot.

Okay done venting. Thanks for listening.

[srall]

Well, this might be a small help: When I meet people out for coffee now I carry my own thermos of coconut milk. But you can't be spontaneous unless you want to drink it black.

As far as the restaurants I, thankfully am not anywhere near as sensitive as you. Doesn't mean I'm not careful though. Usually we hit up nicer restaurants where we know the chef will accommodate my freaky diet (no dairy, no soy, no corn on top of no gluten). Plus I like my food to taste good. We justify the cost because we NEVER eat out anymore compared to "life before"

As far as making your friend understand, well this is still so so tough for me too. I don't think you can really get your head around not being able to even get near gluten unless you also get sooooooo sick. Even though I think most people actually do get sick from gluten, until they are bed ridden or bathroom bound after ingesting it, it's just hard to convince people. Can you compare it to something else, like being diabetic or allergic to peanuts to help explain to him the severity of your situation?

ETA: Raven, I know you've been at this longer than I, and have given people great advice on this board. You probably really just need to vent, but I hope you find a solution...

[kareng]

I don't think that would alienate him. Unless he thought that would be romantic and he doesn't want that type of relationship. I think you just have to be honest. " Why don't I cook dinner before the movie? I really prefer my own cooking." Or, "come to my house for coffee and some fruit and ice cream after the concert."

He may suggest eating out so it doesn't cause you the trouble or expense of cooking. He could certainly bring the meat, for instance, & you could cook it and the rest of the meal. That would spread the cost out. We did that all the time in college.

[GottaSki]

My sister is this way. For the first couple years I tried to find safe foods so I could go out with her - she had no problem letting me pick the restaurant. Once my intolerance list increased it became impossible to eat anywhere so I started toting my own food. Now if I'm going out with her I pack a salad or other simple meal - I have a cute soft cooler that looks like a purse - even if we don't stop somewhere I am prepared for whatever she wants to do. I actually enjoy going out to eat with my hubby or friends now because I'm not stressed about cc or tired from all the research and inquisition of waitstaff.

I also think it would be a great idea to offer to cook at your home or his - who knows - if he is eating out all the time maybe he'd very much appreciate a few homemade meals.

Keep the friend, ditch the frustration if you can

[mushroom]

I can't imagine anyone being alienated by your offering to cook for him - I think he would feel that was a truly lovely gesture and be flattered by it. Pick the right time and go for it!!!

[Persei V.]

I'll have a friend coming over my house soon because I can't eat out, I'd rather watch a movie at home -- long story short, he accepted the proposal of me cooking for him. He didn't like the part of him washing the dishes since I'm cooking but...

Really, just explain your situation. I don't see how the situation is alienating, and I'm pretty sure a homemade meal won't sound too bad for his ears. Especially if the reason behind it is something to do with your health.

[ravenwoodglass]

Thanks guys.

The thermos idea is a good one and I don't know why I didn't think of it before myself. He's a good freind and I don't think I have made it clear enough how severe my reactions are and I really should 'buck up' and do so. It is hard for people not in our shoes to understand how sensitive we can be and I guess I need to grow a spine and be frank about it. It's hard when we lose so many freinds when we are ill prediagnosis and there is always the fear that being upfront afterwards will drive someone away. But being honest about the severity of our reactions is certainly a better alternative than constantly making excuses which in the end could end up making him feel rejected.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes we know the answers but putting them into action in our own lives can be difficult.