Multiple Food Allergies/socializing

[missy'smom]

I am having a hrd time socializing with multiple food allergies on board. I've got about 25 including dairy, soy and gluten(not an allergy ). I find that I am just alone al the time now since everything revolves around food and I truely can't eat a thing and it is just ot working anymore to bring my own.

A big part of my problem is two-fold, besides the actual food. We moved here when I was at my sickest and I went gluten-free just a couple months after but it took a long time to heal and I had undx diabetes at the time too so I didn't go out of the house for a couple years and didn't get connected with people. Now, 6 years later I have been well enough to get out the past 2 years and get to know my way around but I still don't know anyone.

I've searched around for non-food activities that involve meeting people but it's hard to find. All the "meet-ups" and other activities revolve around food-exploring local restauraunts, various potlucks for this group or that etc. I don't feel comfortable bringing my own to a group of strangers. I could and I did in the past but these days but I end up feeling so out of place. I tried again this past weekend with a few of my DH's soccer friends and their wives who I see other places so we know each oth a little but I sat there at the reastaurant with nothing but a cup of water watching them eat and talking about their toddlers and I have a HS kid. I can relate to people in different places in life than me but we are just at such different places and I ended up feeling so out of place with the sum of everything and coming home and crying.

I've thought about becoming the hostess with the mostess to get people into my home and share food that I can eat but it plays against the fact that I am the oldest in my family and the caregiver and I want so much to be the one cared for. So I feel a little resentful about having to serve everyone. I have the skills I just am lacking the desire these days and I don't want to be the super volunteer mom at school in order to meet people either. Maybe I'm being too selfish...

I am not well enough to do strenuous exercize so that cuts out some things and my son is a high-schooler now so all the Mommy" groups are out and I have a feeling 40 something moms are all working...I don't know, what do 40 something moms do? I am becoming my grandma sewing at home and cooking all the time...

[Adalaide]

I don't know if you are religious at all, but if it weren't for church I don't think I would have made a single friend. Although not as long, I found myself in a similar situation where I got terribly ill very shortly after moving and with not enough time to really make connections. Now that I feel like I can have a life, it is just AWKWARD to go around showing up at food things when you can't eat. Even if it were just gluten, and it isn't for me anymore, if you grill a waitress in front of a dozen people you don't know, no one is ever going to want to talk to you again. If you bring your own food, you're a freak. If you don't eat, you're anti-social.

Oh.. then I have a whole other problem, which isn't the same as yours but I can relate. My husband and I are, lets go with around 30ish, we live in Utah, and we are Mormons. I am divorced with two teenage daughters who do not live with us. We have zero intentions of having children together. Zip. Zilch. Nada. And that is where we become the weird people. We feel like pretty much the only intentionally childless Mormons in Utah, let alone locally. We simply don't want to burden ourselves with the complications of kids, so why do I want to juggle my friend's schedules when everyone here has half a dozen? Insanely selfish? Probably, but lets be honest, even if my daughters lived with me, at 16 and 17 I could still do whatever I wanted with my time without juggling them the way a parent of a toddler has to juggle. The one couple we're friends with has awesome kids, we have them over for dinner occasionally, but even then it took them about 2 months to organize when they could come over. And that was them bringing the kids along.

So here we are. Complete gamer dorks, no kids, and pretty much no friends. I personally have found my social outlet through online gaming. I've been told that the people I talk to aren't "real friends" or don't count. But I know their real names, talk to them every day, I'm facebook friends with them. I know their loved ones names, we talk about real life issues. There is nothing we don't do that "real" friends do other than have conversations face to face. I've made some dear friends here. I don't consider anyone any less a friend because I don't know what color their hair is, or because I couldn't pick them out of a crowd.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the answer is. I found mine. Maybe since you sew there is a local group that focuses on that? Sure, they probably have food present at meetings or gatherings, but I doubt it would be the focus. I have a cousin in a knitting group. What do they do? Spend a night, sitting around in the comfy chairs at the library, knitting and gossiping. It is pretty much an excuse to ditch their husbands and just go gossip together. I suppose another alternative is charity work. I'm sure there is plenty to do because work in soup kitchens with food, and this would be a great way to find people who maybe have similar ideas about the world and you can work from there. Some of my dearest friends over the years have been very unlikely, but we met, and grew close anyway.

[1desperateladysaved]

I understand the feeling of being too low to pursue friendships.

[bartfull]

You mentioned sewing. Is there a quilters group in the area? If not, maybe you could start one. What other hobbies do you have? If you like to read, maybe you could find (or start) a reader's group. Do you like to write? A writer's group. Music? Outdoor activities?

I have multiple food intolerances, and I have been bringing my own food to events for the past year and a half. People ask about it, sure, but the really cool thing is that I have found other celiacs and corn intolerant people. Which brings up another possibility for meeting people - there just might be a celiac support group in your area. Or, you could start one.

Hang in there. Just relax and be yourself. Friendships will come. ((((HUGS))))

[missy'smom]

Thanks for you response and for sharing. It helps a little to know I am not the only one. I don't think you are selfish for chosing not to have kids. I have an acquaintance who had 3 a bit late and I won't get into all her issues but she clearly doesn't enjoy motherhood and does not do well in many ways, she could barely manage her first but she wanted that certain family image. I would have loved another well but I knew I couldn't handle many things and I would rather do well with one than have another that I couldn't handle. It's not fair to the kid.

I do attend church but it's another part of my problem in some ways. It's a church that exists to serve a foreign population and while I am called to serve them, I don't get my needs met there. I need balance for me. I am trying to get out once a month and visit other churches.

I do feel like such a freak and it is so awkward! I was so embarrased to communicate my needs to the lady coordinating my son's soccer banquet. I felt like, here I am such a falling apart mess! this is what I've come to I have to be picky even down to what greens can be used in my salad, and they don't even know about the diabetes. And then I advocate all those details for the meal and you can take one look at me and see I have problems as adult onset type 1 diabetes has left me underweight and the food allergies keep my from being able to gain it all back. It was a whole nother thing just to get some clothes to wear...Part of my cry session yesterday was "why does everything have to be so hard!"

I couldn't have made it without some online friends and forums. They've been a real blessing but I need to talk with people face to face sometimes and not just cats, teens and non-native English speakers.

[missy'smom]

I understand the feeling of being too low to pursue friendships.

I think that is one of my problems too. I just feel too many negative feelings to be very good company sometimes these days. I used to do better but if I feel uncomfotable these days I get a bit grumpy. Sorry to say but true. I really am trying to just push myself to "try" some new things this year in order to help find something that fits. I try not to have any expectations and if it doesn't fit I just move on.

[missy'smom]

You mentioned sewing. Is there a quilters group in the area? If not, maybe you could start one. What other hobbies do you have? If you like to read, maybe you could find (or start) a reader's group. Do you like to write? A writer's group. Music? Outdoor activities?

I have multiple food intolerances, and I have been bringing my own food to events for the past year and a half. People ask about it, sure, but the really cool thing is that I have found other celiacs and corn intolerant people. Which brings up another possibility for meeting people - there just might be a celiac support group in your area. Or, you could start one.

Hang in there. Just relax and be yourself. Friendships will come. ((((HUGS))))

I was a faithful attender at our very good celiac disease support group but I quit going maybe 2 years back because I can't eat anything and don't really need the celiac disease support or info. anymore and I found myself feeling out of sync and not pleasant company.

I used to think I was a patient person but all these health issues have tried that to the max! I've spent years in recovery and trying to get a life back and so much waiting in between. Results do come but painfully slow and I haven't reached a stable status quite yet-getting there maybe.

Starting a sewing group is a good idea. The stitch 'n b%$@#es are always a bit out of my area but I am not sure where we'd meet or how to get one started. Have to think on that a bit. I don't quilt, crochet or knit. I do other things but I'd like to learn a bit, very slowly, of those 3.

I so want to join the hiking meet up in my area but they walk twice as far as I can right now. I am thinking lately of just going anyway and stopping half way and reading a book or sewing until they turn around and meet up with me again and then walk back the rest of the way, maybe gradually increasing my distance.

Thanks for the HUG !!!

[lindalee]

Your thoughts are your life.

Keep positive and positive things will happen.

Sounds like your body is healing since you are wanting to get out more. That is truly something to be grateful for.

Try positive affirmations and let go of limitation.

"My body is healing and I am going to have the right friends for my good."

Hope this helps.

Love and Light!

[bartfull]

Nothing wrong with stopping halfway through a hike. I do it all the time because of my asthma. I do exactly as you say - bring a book and wait for them. I also bring a camera and take pictures of any wildlife (especially birds - I am an avid bird watcher). Sometimes people choose to stay with me because THEY don't want to climb that hill either.

I know what you mean about being grumpy. I have dealt with "the grumps" all my life. They are better off gluten, but I still have to force myself to get out. A lot of times I just grump around all day on the day I'm supposed to go somewhere, saying, "I'd rather just go home!" Sometimes I do, but other times I force myself, and when I do I always have a good time. It's still a struggle though. I own a business and when my day is done I often have had it up to here with people.

But that's just an excuse I think. Even before I started my business, I was a homebody. I love to take solitary walks, go fishing by myself, stay home and read, or just go home and take a nap.

It sounds though, like you are craving human companionship. It'll happen. And in the meantime, you have friends here to talk to. We care.

[shadowicewolf]

My main form of socialization is attending college corses.

[missy'smom]

Nothing wrong with stopping halfway through a hike. I do it all the time because of my asthma. I do exactly as you say - bring a book and wait for them. I also bring a camera and take pictures of any wildlife (especially birds - I am an avid bird watcher). Sometimes people choose to stay with me because THEY don't want to climb that hill either.

I know what you mean about being grumpy. I have dealt with "the grumps" all my life. They are better off gluten, but I still have to force myself to get out. A lot of times I just grump around all day on the day I'm supposed to go somewhere, saying, "I'd rather just go home!" Sometimes I do, but other times I force myself, and when I do I always have a good time. It's still a struggle though. I own a business and when my day is done I often have had it up to here with people.

But that's just an excuse I think. Even before I started my business, I was a homebody. I love to take solitary walks, go fishing by myself, stay home and read, or just go home and take a nap.

It sounds though, like you are craving human companionship. It'll happen. And in the meantime, you have friends here to talk to. We care.

Bartful, I am so glad to know that you stop on the hikes! I may just have to give it a try now. This group adviertizes that they are freindly to the slower ones but it's still too far even that.

I had to laugh at your feeling like you'd rather go home. I feel like that! And all this work for what?! is it really worth it?

I was never a social butterfly but now I want to be more social so I kinda have to learn how too but with all these limitations/irritations etc. attatched. It's hard to find people who have common interests as well. I like solitary type things as well but I'd like to share it with someone.

I was thinking after reading your previous post, maybe I should think about starting a stitch and b%$@# off the local celiac disease group, at least we'd have similar things to "b%$@#" about!

Thanks for listening and caring

[missy'smom]

Your thoughts are your life.

Keep positive and positive things will happen.

Sounds like your body is healing since you are wanting to get out more. That is truly something to be grateful for.

Try positive affirmations and let go of limitation.

"My body is healing and I am going to have the right friends for my good."

Hope this helps.

Love and Light!

It's very true. I get grumpy, in part, because I feel better so I want to do more but my body's not quite up to all that and I can't do as much as I want. I get mentally and physically tired. My DH keeps reminding me that I am doing a lot more than I used to, but it's not social stuff much. I finally this year said to someone I feel like I am finally on top of the clutter and house cleaning.

[love2travel]

I understand this as well. My husband and I are almost reclusive and I am beginning to see it is not entirely healthy - we are designed to seek companionship and fellowship with others outside our homes. We live in a wealthy oil town that is extremely transient. People do not move to live here long term. We do attend a church but I have such severe chronic pain that it is very difficult for me to sit. So, I take along my lumbar support thing and sit as long as I can then stand in the back. Then we must leave early which means we do not get to know others. We live far from both families. The last town we lived in I knew so many people that it was a standing joke that my husband would have to get the mail because if I did I would be in there for hours. Not here! Since my accident five years ago I have withdrawn myself due to pain but the last year or so I have finally come to the place where I just go out and do it, realizing that yes, my pain will increase, but I need to do things mentally. Thankfully my interests and hobbies are many.

I used to teach cooking classes. Still do but they are fewer because I am a bit more limited in what I can make and what the general public here wants to learn. I just do things differently now. You eventually learn to adapt in your own way. I can say with honesty nearly each day brings deep-down joy in my heart. Sure, the pain is mainly the same, but I no longer allow it to rule my life. That is the key. I can have happiness and gratification in spite of it. Thank goodness I love my own company, love to cook, read, test recipes, walk, research ancient history, do counted cross stitch (only 30 minutes at a time as that is about how long I can sit at one time), travel internationally (this is always miraculous), etc. We own a house in Europe and am therefore learning a very difficult language but I LOVE this challenge.

But I would dearly love to have a close girlfriend with whom I can just call up and talk and visit here in town. I do have friends from this forum whom I appreciate very much. It is awesome to relate to like-minded people who truly get things. And my husband says I am the most fascinating person he has ever met. We are truly best friends but that does not mean a great girlfriend would not fit into the picture. We could laugh and cry together. I do have such friends but they live far away.

I have found that I cannot expect others to reach out to me; I must be the instigator.

ETA: Due to the nature of my chronic pain I am unable to work so sometimes I REALLY feel out of touch!

[missy'smom]

Thank you love2travel for sharing. I can relate to some of that.What a guy you have to say you are the most fascinating women he's met!