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First Time Declining An Invitation
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7 posts in this topic

So after a year I had my first super awkward "I can't come eat dinner at your house" conversation. We have friends who we have had over to dinner a few times. They have a few kids, one in kindergarten and the youngest isn't one yet. Having them over is always a great pleasure and I love cooking for them. The kids aren't too picky and everyone is just great fun to be with. Well, finally the other night the husband told us that his wife has explained to him that it is their turn to make us dinner. She put him in charge of finding out what I can eat.

 

Now it all seems well and good when they see what I cook. There is meat, vegetables, fruits, homemade pickles, deviled eggs (any excuse I can find to make them), always gravy... no shortage at all of wonderful things. This means that there is no time to notice that there isn't bread anywhere in sight. It seems so simple, don't feed me bread.

 

I tried a simple, it really wouldn't work. He didn't seem to get it. So I had to explain everything to him. I had to explain the pots and pans, the plastic/wooden utensils, the cutting boards. I explained how I got sick from eating something I shouldn't have when the cover fell off it in the microwave. I told him that despite all that, and on top of gluten, the soy and MSG thing is insanely hard to plan around and then on top of that even I can barely keep track of what fruits and veggies I am and am not allowed to have.

 

We did come up with a plan. Mondays for us means family home evening, which is an opportunity to spend family time together doing a fun activity which is something scripture based generally and then because most families have kids there are snacks. So, instead of us going for dinner, we will go over for a family home evening and we'll bring the snacks. I think it is a good compromise.

 

I just feel awful. I simply can not take a risk that involves eating food someone else prepared. I have simply stopped eating out or eating anything I didn't make. I've cut down on packaged foods. Since this MSG thing a few weeks ago I just can't take risks. It was one thing when it was gluten and I was paranoid about things like cancer and being sick for a month. Now it is a matter of losing my vision. I will not risk my sight to make someone feel good. Somehow telling myself that doesn't make me feel better about the fact that I may have made someone else feel bad.

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Oh, Adalaide, I feel for you.  I have been on both sides of this now and don't like it.  I am glad you came up with a plan.

 

I thought of another plan for someday.  How about having someone come to your kitchen and cook?  Maybe if it were a good friend.  I am going to stew on that.  I might feel safe.  ON the other side, I never really feel comfortable in someone else's kitchen.

 

Oh, I just had another thought.  Have her come early and work together to cook the meal.  I did have a great deal of fun doing just that once.  My friend actually thanked me for teaching her how to cook!

 

I hope this all will be easier in time.  I think we always might have some easy way to offend, though.

 

Diana

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a good plan with really good friends I find is ask them exactly what they're going to cook and how. If one is super super sensitive as you are, Adelaide, then going to your friend's place and cooking together might be a good plan.

 

A friend just invited me for Sunday lunch. I feel comfrotable enough because she was with me as a Thai restaurant where I kicked up a fuss and spoke to the owner, the waiter AND the chef and they brought the soy sauce to the table and I showed them where it said "wheat 25%"  and why I insisted to have things cooked with no sauce at all even if "it wasn't Thai cooking". I ate my un sauced stuff and wasn't sick. She (the friend) understood what was happening.

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It sounds like you came up with a great compromise in a very graceful way. You still get to spend time with your friends, they get to host, you get to eat snacky foods and you won't be ill... Very nicely done.

 

I hope it's a fun evening.  :)

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I'm glad you were able to work it out

 

I feel for you for how hard this is. I went to a friend's house who was frying up a load of potato pancakes. she had made several dozen of them, there was flour flying everywhere. after she was done, she told me she was going to fry up a few for me without flour. I tried to explain to her why I couldn't eat them. I know she was hurt and probably still is. why do people put such an importance on food??

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I'm just trying to avoid the hurt feelings of showing up to help cook and all her pots and pans are nonstick or all her utensils are plastic or she just put a cake in the oven for her kids or she got this or that thing that she is sure is safe that isn't for any various number of reasons which may or may not be gluten related for me. I figure if I try to avoid 100% the issue of eating food from other people's houses I can avoid the issue. Except I worry that I still may have hurt her feelings. :(

 

Oh well I guess. I'm happy with our compromise and we're still deciding if we should take Jell-O white chocolate strawberry thingers or chocolate krispy treats. They haven't called yet to say when they want to have us over so I have time to decide.

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Sounds like you did just the right thing. It is so important to keep socializing, and each of us has a new dilemma every time we have a new event.

I am getting better at it. And I think most of that is down to my response, and most of that I credit to reading about how people on this board handle things, so I treasure posts like yours to get new ideas.

I am off.to my in laws tomorrow, and taking my own lunch and snacks. I don't yet know if we are eating there or at a restaurant,, but I know I will be eating safely.( last time we went, one family member gleefully turned up with a gluten free chocolate cake. I wouldn't eat it, but asked a few questions, and it was made with almond flour. My son has an anaphylactic allergy to almond. Other people just don't get food issues and I won't take the risk. Makes me sad I can't safely leave my son with his grandparents or aunt. But that's another story).

My own silver lining is that as I cook my own food, I always like what I eat:)

I hope you have a lovely evening when you go ahead. Don't be afraid to chase the invitation if it takes a while, I think we end up having to be super reassuring to people sometimes

Mw x

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