Starting To Realize Hurt Feelings Aren't As Important As Personal Health

[Nicole Thomas]

I know folks say it a lot on this board, but I feel it has to be said once again. I have a very big meat and potatoes kind of family. They do most things homemade and if you don't eat, feelings are generally hurt.

 

I was really nervous about yesterday, but I hadn't been to a family function since I went gluten free close to 6 months ago, so I decided to go anyway. I did eat before I left, but upon my arrival, my aunt (the hostess) was slightly annoyed when I said I couldn't eat most of what she made.

 

She assured me the ham was gluten free, and it was the only thing I touched (I maybe ate 3-4 bites before handing the rest off to hubby).

 

Later, she brought out her first ever homemade carrot cake, and once again I was asked if I'd like some. When I said no thank you, she got pissy about it and gave me a look that basicaly said 'it won't kill you.'

 

The rest of the family had cake while I sat playing with the dog. Family members made a point of telling me how wonderful it was and, once more, someone asked 'you can't have one bite?'

 

At this point I was frustrated and sorely disappointed. I looked at them and said no, I can't just have one bite. You know that peanut allergy this uncle has or this allergry you have? You get really sick from a little bit, right? Well, so do I.

 

That got them to shut up until I was getting ready to leave. Folks were commenting on how nice dinner was and I agreed. My aunt got moody again and said I couldn't say if the dinner was nice or not since I hadn't eaten much of anything.

 

I guess she was right, because the company wasn't very good either.

 

In any case, by the time I got home, I wasn't feeling well. This morning, I feel even worse and am certain I got glutened somehow.

 

I asked in advance if I could bring something, but she said no. This is the aunt I expect to understand me the most. I'm not sure if it was ignorance yesterday or what, but I now know family functions aren't for me. I'll go to barbecues and something that's outside, but I won't go in a house that has gluten. It's too big of a risk.

 

So, while I may end up hurting feelings, I can't afford to risk my health. Not anymore.

 

Your health is more important than keeping others happy. If they can't understand that this isn't some fad, then it's on them. You're the one who will be sick that night, the next day or even days after. Don't risk your health.

[kareng]

I will say that, if you have a basically nice family, it can get better.  We do hear about families where, if its not Celiac, they would find something else to complain about.  That situation won't get better.

 

For my family, I usually have all events at my house.  My sister might make a gluteny dessert. I like that because that is one less thing I have to make.   We get out dessert after all the other food is put away.  She has started bringing other things after discussing it with me.  But, anyway.... back to what I was trying to say.... It took a while, but people started getting it.  I just had to reinforce the gluten-free thing and show by example. I had to still show up and expose them to it. After time,  it just becomes normal.  With my hubs side, I either bring my food or eat ahead.  And always bring a snack.  We stayed too long and everyone started eating again....except me because I didn't bring anything.

[w8in4dave]

Wow !! So sorry to hear you had a rough time. I don't ask if I can bring anything I just do it. I eat only what I bring. This is what I don't understand. People find out they have Celiac or are intolerant, They clean their cupboards , get new pots and pans. Get a gluten-free kitchen so they don't have to worry about stuff. Then they go eat at someones house and they get glutened. Even if the ham was gluten-free she has no idea how to "NOT" contaminate it. the pan it was cooked in the utensils she was using. who knows maby the seasonings? I bring my own dish to pass give myself a huge serving 1st then let everyone eles contaminate and I don't eat anymore of it. I do not eat from anyone eles dishes even if they swear they are gluten-free and in my case Corn free also. I will not take the chance. I make enuf mistakes myself I cannot trust anyone who is not Celiac to just whip something up and say here ya go it's Gluten Free. In time your family will start to understand. It is a huge health risk for you. I am so glad my family understands. They don't even try and feed me anymore. I just bring my own. My friends are the same way. They ask me what I can and cannot eat. I say "You don't worry about me! I will bring my own" . 

[djl]

Sorry you had a bad experience. I was diagnosed two months ago and at first it seemed to get a few family members very angry. Yesterday was our first holiday and in addition to the gluten free meal my brother's family cooked for me there was a variety of gluten and dairy free desserts available.

I found fighting with facts and information is better than getting loud (my family usually takes this road). But you're correct, if they don't get it that's their problem. When you start to feel better the thought of eating gluten again can be terrifying. Stick to your guns and eventually they'll get it.

[Nicole Thomas]

That's what I'm starting to think as well. I have a feeling it may have been the knife they used to cut the ham, or the cutting board or any number of small things. I want to be with family because we're close. And Karen was also right. My family is the type that will complain on one thing or another, i just happened to be the focus yesterday. I've found some amazing gluten free meals/snacks I could take along, so I'll be sure to do that in the future. That said, I am curious. Those of you who take your own dish, do you keep away from items that need to be heated? Or, do you risk using the microwave?

[notme]

we do the church dinner quite a bit, so i will make something that is gluten free, take some out and bring it in a separate container.  i never eat what's on the 'buffet' EVEN IF I BRING IT AND IT STARTS OUT GLUTEN FREE.  (true story:  i used to play a game with myself.  the Can't Eat THAT Game.  watch how fast things get contaminated.  crouton drops into the big bowl of green salad.  whelp.  can't eat THAT  somebody sticks the pasta spoon into the chili.  whelp.  can't eat THAT...)  it's over pretty quick, lolz, just bring your own so you don't starve to death or have to be sick for days on end.  and, if you happen to bring some of your dish home that is leftover, don't be tempted to eat it    no, no, no!  

 

it does get easier    it's a hard concept for people to understand, but eventually they ..........well........ actually, no, they still offer me up their food, but it is quickly followed with a "you're not gonna eat this,, are you."  NOPE!  smile big  move along

[GottaSki]

I agree with -- it may get better with time.  Our extended family and friends took a bit of educating to the fact that "just a little gluten" was indeed slowly killing me. 

 

I think the last time I had someone treat me the way you were treated yesterday was at about a year and half gluten-free -- not counting new acquaintances -- I don't give a flying fig what new folks think...in fact people's reaction to my need to be completely gluten-free is often a good barometer for choosing new friends

[CaliSparrow]

I'm sorry some of your family members were inconsiderate yesterday. Back before I understood how vigilant I had to be, I sent an email to Original Pancake House to find out more about their "gluten-friendly" pancakes (I know, I know). They sent me the most impressive response. They explained all the reasons why they did NOT want me walking in their door. They went in-depth into how long flour hangs in the air and how they don't dedicate towels or utensils, etc. They went into detail on the many ways I could be cross-contaminated by their restaurant. They underlined and bold certain sentences for extra emphasis. I showed it to my mother-in-law. She asked if I would print it out for her and I did.

Before reading your post, I thought my husband's family broke the mold on the emotional intelligence scale but now I'm thinking my MIL passed around the memo! Before that she was frustrated when I couldn't eat her food. She derives pleasure from feeding her family.

Family can be complicated and sometimes it takes longer but eventually, the change (you) becomes normalized and people adjust. If someone doesn't adjust, they have a problem and it's not yours to solve! It took one or two of these situations for my health to weigh more than not hurting someone's feelings.

Experiencing another's reaction does serve as a nice built-in barometer for potential friendships!

I hope you feel better soon.

[Monklady123]

This was, and still is to some extent, something I wondered about. I guess I don't come from a family that's tied up in food issues, because I can't imagine any one of them getting angry or hurt if I didn't eat something they'd prepared. I'm sorry for those of you who do have family (or friends) like this.

[Nicole Thomas]

Thank you all so much. I'm still not feeling quite right today, but not as bad as yesterday. I hate how easily we can get sick as it really wears you down. Fortunately, it looks like this gluten reaction will only last 2-3 days before I'm back to where I was on Saturday.

[GottaSki]

Glad you are feeling better

[kareng]

  On 4/21/2014 at 3:22 PM, Nicole Thomas said:

That's what I'm starting to think as well. I have a feeling it may have been the knife they used to cut the ham, or the cutting board or any number of small things. I want to be with family because we're close. And Karen was also right. My family is the type that will complain on one thing or another, i just happened to be the focus yesterday. I've found some amazing gluten free meals/snacks I could take along, so I'll be sure to do that in the future. That said, I am curious. Those of you who take your own dish, do you keep away from items that need to be heated? Or, do you risk using the microwave?

 

 

I will use the microwave or the oven.  I even try to bring food that is similar if possible.  Unless the microwave is really dirty, with food falling off the "ceiling" it shouldn't be a problem.  

[NoGlutenCooties]

I don't ask.  I do let them know that I will be bringing my own food - seems only polite to let them know they don't have to count on another person to feed.  And I bring my own.  If they don't like it, that's just tough nuggies for them.  If they argue, I make it clear - I either bring my own food or I don't go.  Period.

 

Also... are you sure the ham was gluten free?  I know some deli meat has filler crap in it that can have gluten - I have no idea about a whole ham, as I never eat them.  Anyone know if a ham can have gluteny fillers infused in it?