Help living with gluten eaters and insensitive family members

[Linzy1208]

I was diagnosed with celiac disease about 2.5 years ago and was living alone at the time. I went gluten-free and lived in a completely gluten free house. I was asympotomatic when diagnosed but noticed improved health, energy, skin, mood, etc. after going gluten free and as time has gone on, it has been worth it to stick to the diet. But I still battle with frustration and anger in social situations where I cannot join others in eating some of my former favorite foods (pizza, bagels, Chinese, etc.). For the most part, I just avoided scenarios like that and was happier for doing so. 

Now, about a month ago, I moved in with my elderly father to take care of him as my mother has had to go into a nursing home. He loves his bagels and bread and is very messy, making my new living quarters covered in crumbs. I have expressed to him the importance of keeping gluten products contained to avoid cross-contamination but it seems no matter how I explain it to him, he doesn’t understand the importance and thinks I’m over-reacting. He says he doesn’t let the knife touch the bread when he’s putting peanut butter on it, or cream cheese on a bagel, so double dipping isn’t ruining anything. I have bought separate containers of these products now, all labeled gluten-free so he doesn’t contaminate them but I’m not sure I trust he is reading my labels. I have put his bread in a tray and provided another tray that I instructed him to only prepare foods on the contained area, but since I’ve been here, not a day has gone by that I haven’t seen crumbs on every surface.

Although my celiac disease was asymptomatic when diagnosed, after years of living gluten-free, I can now notice the negative effects living in a gluten house. My skin has been awful, I’ve been getting headaches (including one migraine that lasted 3 days!), I’m always tired, the brain fog has made it hard to concentrate on anything, and I’ve been so depressed I can literally burst into tears at any moment for no damn reason. 

When I talk about feeling bad, my family says I’m being dramatic and I’m probably only depressed because my mother is in the nursing home. While yes, my mothers health is upsetting, she’s been declining for years and I’m definitely saddened by it, but this feeling of depression now does not feel tied to that. Or anything really. I don’t feel sad about anything in particular, except feeling misunderstood by my family, if anything. 

Sorry for the long rant, but I’m feeling hopeless. Does anyone have any advice on how to educate the elderly on this? Or how to help sensitize a family to one person’s needs? Is it possible to teach an old dog new tricks? I don’t want to take away my fathers bread, but I will also not be able to take care of him if I’m stuck in bed with migraines and depression. How can I find balance here??

[kareng]

17 minutes ago, Linzy1208 said:

I was diagnosed with celiac disease about 2.5 years ago and was living alone at the time. I went gluten-free and lived in a completely gluten free house. I was asympotomatic when diagnosed but noticed improved health, energy, skin, mood, etc. after going gluten free and as time has gone on, it has been worth it to stick to the diet. But I still battle with frustration and anger in social situations where I cannot join others in eating some of my former favorite foods (pizza, bagels, Chinese, etc.). For the most part, I just avoided scenarios like that and was happier for doing so. 

Now, about a month ago, I moved in with my elderly father to take care of him as my mother has had to go into a nursing home. He loves his bagels and bread and is very messy, making my new living quarters covered in crumbs. I have expressed to him the importance of keeping gluten products contained to avoid cross-contamination but it seems no matter how I explain it to him, he doesn’t understand the importance and thinks I’m over-reacting. He says he doesn’t let the knife touch the bread when he’s putting peanut butter on it, or cream cheese on a bagel, so double dipping isn’t ruining anything. I have bought separate containers of these products now, all labeled gluten-free so he doesn’t contaminate them but I’m not sure I trust he is reading my labels. I have put his bread in a tray and provided another tray that I instructed him to only prepare foods on the contained area, but since I’ve been here, not a day has gone by that I haven’t seen crumbs on every surface.

Although my celiac disease was asymptomatic when diagnosed, after years of living gluten-free, I can now notice the negative effects living in a gluten house. My skin has been awful, I’ve been getting headaches (including one migraine that lasted 3 days!), I’m always tired, the brain fog has made it hard to concentrate on anything, and I’ve been so depressed I can literally burst into tears at any moment for no damn reason. 

When I talk about feeling bad, my family says I’m being dramatic and I’m probably only depressed because my mother is in the nursing home. While yes, my mothers health is upsetting, she’s been declining for years and I’m definitely saddened by it, but this feeling of depression now does not feel tied to that. Or anything really. I don’t feel sad about anything in particular, except feeling misunderstood by my family, if anything. 

Sorry for the long rant, but I’m feeling hopeless. Does anyone have any advice on how to educate the elderly on this? Or how to help sensitize a family to one person’s needs? Is it possible to teach an old dog new tricks? I don’t want to take away my fathers bread, but I will also not be able to take care of him if I’m stuck in bed with migraines and depression. How can I find balance here??

Yes, you want to help your parents but you have to help yourself first.  If you can't take care of your dad, then don't try to.  If you are sick, you can't take care of him.  So your father needs to make other arrangements.  Sounds like he can fix  food and do things for himself.  Maybe you or other family members could just check in on him daily, shop for him, etc.  or he can get a helper to come in for a few hours a day.  

Where are these other selfish family members that think you should sacrifice your health and life to help your dad?  Why can't they help? You need to assert yourself .  Tell them you have a serious illness and you can't do this anymore.  

[Ennis-TX]

I got to agree with kareng on this, perhaps just checking in on him daily instead of living with him in the same house? I had to move out of my parents house and get a dedicated home because of how stress full it was with people that did not understand.

I can give you a few tips.
Butcher/Freezer Paper, lay it down for a clean prep surface and you can just toss it when done, also makes a grea placemat for eating.
Foil line baking dishes, cookie sheets etc same concept
Crock Pot liners for the same reasons
Nordicware makes microwave cook ware like grill plates with splatter covers, omlette makers, steamers, etc. Disposable if you have to, and cheaper then dedicated cook ware (great for traveling and hotel microwave uses)

Get a fold out table in a area for your food and to put your stuff on, you father is dead set that kitchen is HIS, so you have to make your own area older gen people are dead set in their ways....you have to practically trick them to change them.

Might try replacing his gluten goods with canyon house baked goods instead.....your shopping right? There are gluten free everything now days.
https://www.celiac.com/forums/topic/121802-gluten-free-food-alternative-list-2018-q3/

 

[tessa25]

2 hours ago, Linzy1208 said:

Sorry for the long rant, but I’m feeling hopeless. Does anyone have any advice on how to educate the elderly on this? Or how to help sensitize a family to one person’s needs?

To be blunt, you cannot change the elderly's ways. You have to treat that kitchen as if it is covered every inch in flour. All the time. So if you want to make food for yourself you're going have to clean a section of the counter and then do as Ennis says and put down some parchment paper and use it as a work surface. If you're planning on staying in that house you should buy your own small refrigerator and put it in the garage. But you would probably be better off if somebody else took care of him.

[RMJ]

Would he notice if you got him gluten free bagels and bread?

[squirmingitch]

And gluten-free pasta?

[cyclinglady]

2 hours ago, RMJ said:

Would he notice if you got him gluten free bagels and bread?

My bet is that he would notice. The bread.  My kid will do just about anything to avoid gluten-free bread.  Now, she will eat gluten-free pasta and homemade cookies or cake.  

The OP needs to make other arrangements.  She is not obligated to care for her parents.  I am speaking as a parent and someone who is now starting to help with some elderly family members.  I have told my own daughter to just help with overseeing my care.  She should not responsible for my actual care. 

[Linzy1208]

Thanks for the responses! And ideas for ways to cope! I will definitely but some butcher paper or something to help cover countertops. Unfortunately, at least while we deal with the impending loss of my mother, I feel I have to be here to take of him. 

Thankfully he is good with gluten free pasta so we are safe with that now. It’s just the dang bread, and all the crumbs that come from it! And it’s not so much that I want to change him entirely, I just need to find the right way to explain it to him so that he understands the seriousness of it. Has anyone ever taken their family to the doc with them to have a professional explain it? Might that help?

[Linzy1208]

10 hours ago, kareng said:

Yes, you want to help your parents but you have to help yourself first.  If you can't take care of your dad, then don't try to.  If you are sick, you can't take care of him.  So your father needs to make other arrangements.  Sounds like he can fix  food and do things for himself.  Maybe you or other family members could just check in on him daily, shop for him, etc.  or he can get a helper to come in for a few hours a day.  

Where are these other selfish family members that think you should sacrifice your health and life to help your dad?  Why can't they help? You need to assert yourself .  Tell them you have a serious illness and you can't do this anymore.  

For the most part I am handling the cooking, at least dinner, and that is always gluten free. I just need to find a better way to deal with his sloppy bagel and sandwich prep for the times he wants those things. And also, try to remember to constantly clean surfaces and wash hands ?

I have one sister who helps somewhat, but she has a family with young kids. I’m the single one without kids so I guess the majority of the responsibility falls to me. I waiver between understanding and resentment on that front, haha! But my sister is more so the one that thinks I’m being dramatic when I talk about crumbs or how my skin/eyes have been bothering me and I think it’s from touching stuff and not washing my hands. I can literally feel her *eye roll* and I get it, but it also makes me even more anxious to talk about with people I should be able to, and adds to the depression and isolation. Like, I already feel like an annoyance and an outsider, I don’t need my loved ones making me feel worse...amiright?!?!

[squirmingitch]

Taking him to the doc with you & having the doc explain how serious it is is a good idea. It would be great to get sister to go along as well. BTW, have you explained to sister how it's genetic & she might end up with it?