Why Do People Care?

[prinsessa]

I still haven't got the results back from my blood test (I will on Wed), but I have decided to give up gluten for a while to see how I feel. I am in college right now and I just can't handle the brain fog. Well I told my MIL about it because she asked (otherwise I wouldn't have said a thing). I don't know why but she seems more upset about it than me. She keeps talking about how people should just eat what they want because they are going to die when they die anyway. Well I don't want to live my whole life miserable. I don't even talk about it, but she brings it up if I don't eat something with gluten. I just say "no thankyou" without saying why I can't have it.

And my DH also says things like "its probably in your head". I don't know if my MIL has been saying things to him about it. I don't know if it is because a lot of people in his family have stomach problems. My MIL even said that milk upsets her stomach, but she still drinks it. Could they be upset because they have stomach problems and don't want to do anything about it? Do you think they are getting defensive about it? My MIL did the same thing when I didn't want my son to eat certain things when he was a baby because of allergies. She said "well I feed my kids everything and they didn't have any problems". That's why my husband has stomach problems now and uses the bathroom sometimes 5 times a day. I think his problem is lactose intolerance.

I'm a little worried because she watches the kids while I am in school. If they end up having Celiac is she going to listen to me about what they can and can't have? I will buy all the food, but I'm worried she might give them something just because she doesn't really believe me. Sorry my post got so long, but no one else really knows what I am going through. I just don't understand why people care so much...it isn't affecting their lives.

[lonewolf]

I don't have any advice for you, but I can sympathize. My DH was supportive from the beginning, luckily. My in-laws (including BIL's and SIL's) acted like I was crazy for years - they would roll their eyes and try to find some other reason besides food that I was having problems. Except for one SIL they were not supportive. It took several years for them to realize that I was healthy, without taking medications, and that maybe I was right. Some people have such strange views of food that they feel personally threatened when someone suggests that something might not be healthy to eat.

All I can say is to keep doing what you're doing. Maybe tell them (I did this dozens of times) that "I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't eat, so please don't try to tell me what to eat." One BIL is kind of strange about this - he will tell me that something has no wheat or gluten in it, but knows that there is. Last time I ate there he swore that he didn't put breadcrumbs in the meat patties. I started feeling sick before I got up from the table. Later my SIL told me that the recipe doesn't work without breadcrumbs and that she knows he DID put them in. I had D off and on for 3 days, along with a killer stomach ache. I no longer eat any food that he prepares. He is a pharmaceutical buyer for an HMO and thinks it's crazy for anyone to not just take medications for everything.

If your kids turn out to have Celiac, you'll have to do whatever it takes to make sure that no one sabatoges their diet.

[Guest Pixi]

You know, it's funny.. it seems to be universal, because the same thing happens to me.

From co-workers to friends to waitors, people seem weirded out that I can't ("won't") eat gluten. My response is now, "Well, thank you for the concern, but I have to do what allows my body to function.. it's no fun to feel so icky all the time!" I just close the discussion with a message of "Well this is how it is, buddy.. back off" .. in a nicer way

You can't change other people, so let her be as she is and live your life. If your kids end up having allergies or celiac, have the doctor discuss it with your MIL and let him tell her how dire the consequences will be. Then, if she still disregards it, obviously she shouldn't be allowed near children!

Best of wishes.. stay healthy!

[Nantzie]

My husband and his parents all acted like that. They went so far to say that they thought that I was just trying to manipulate them into doing things for me (my main symptoms were mobility-related, and I couldn't even go grocery shopping by myself at one point), and that I wanted to be sick to get attention.

These are normally supportive people, so hearing that they thought that after thinking they'd be happy that I was starting to figure out what was wrong with me just hit me like a sledgehammer.

I pretty much had to just consider them all completely insane and just go about my business. It helped that at that time my husband was working so much that I barely saw him anyway.

Now, six months later, my husband asks me about ingredients he's using when he cooks dinner to make sure they're gluten-free. When we get invited to dinner at his parents house, his mom calls me and tells me what they're having so that I can bring an alternative of something if I need to. Last week she made sauerbraten and I brought my own tinkyada.

It's an amazing turnaround that I truly, truly, truly never thought would happen.

I do make a point of being open and enthusiastic about whatever gluten-y thing they've made. My MIL made dumplings to go with the sauerbraten and my FIL had made a loaf of homemade bread. As soon as I walked into the kitchen I told him how great the bread smelled and asked him about it. At dinner I asked my MIL about the dumplings and said how great they smelled. My reason to do this is two-fold. First, I don't want them to be all paranoid about even mentioning gluten food around me or feeling like they have to do without if I'm there. Second, and most importantly, if they act like jerks again, everybody sees that I've been nothing but nice and accomadating about the whole thing. So if they start telling people bad things about me again, they're the ones who look like jerks.

So that's what I do. Even though inside it drives me insane that even though this has been the hardest year of my life (for many, many reasons), I have to tip-toe around their freaking feelings.

It's still hard though because their reaction to the whole thing was so agressive, bizarre, venomous and cruel. It's going to take some time to get over the emotional damage of being attacked like that, but we're on a good road now.

And it's like you said, why do they even care? It's so bizarre. More for them, ya know?

I used to joke with a friend of mine that if anything really bad happened to me, they'd probably run me over with a truck.

That's the weirdest thing about this celiac thing. Once you've gone through the learning curve of learning how to deal with celiac, which doesn't take long when you have such an amazing message board as this one, most of the issues you deal with have to do with are other people relating to it. Whether it's family or friends thinking you've gone off the deep end, waiters who think you're making it up just to ruin their day, or doctors who think you're a hypochondriac.

But for most of us, going gluten-free completely changes our lives. People get so used to how you are before you found out about celiac that they think that that's normal. They dont' realize how sick you know you are.

That's awful that you have the added worry of not feeling completely certain of what you're kids are getting when they're with her.

So hopefully she'll come around and maybe this will get her started on thinking about her own health.

I just don't understand people who just sit around being miserable and won't even try to figure things out. I'm certainly not going to sit on my butt and be sick for the rest of my life. I'm going to do everything I can to be as healthy as I can. Yes, you die when you die, but come on. This is the 21st century. If that was truly a valid attitude, why people get their kids vaccinated? Why do they take antibiotics when they get an infection? Why do we have doctors at all. Just because you "could get hit by a truck tomorrow" doesn't mean you just stand in the middle of the road and not try to get out of the way. Maybe we should all just sit on our butts waiting for something to make us sick enough to die. ARG!!! Whatever. That type of attitude is a cop-out for people who are too complacent to want better for themselves. And when they get that attitude because someone else is taking charge of their health... it's just sickening.

So just keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing. I hope she comes around eventually.

Nancy

[Lollie]

I felt compelled to share here! I had alot of trouble with my family and my inlaws, for years. I haven't been able to eat hardly anything for 10 years. Everyone decided I was anarexic, for weight issues. That wasn't it at all. I became anarexic due to the fact that everything I ate went straight through and made me sick. I never could get that through to anyone. I felt like I might be dieing when my DH found out about celiac. He had watched and lived with me in pain and sick for 10 years, so when he found celiac and I had all the symptoms, he was very supportive of me. But as for the rest of our family, well that's a totally different story. My mom was horrible. She thought I was giving up gluten as just another food I wouldn't eat in a continued "anarexic" action. I tried to explain it all to her many times. When I would get glutened, I would try to talk to her for support, but she would just be mean and doubt everthing I was saying. I have yet to try to go to the inlaws, however, I think we are supposed to go for easter, and my MIL will insist on cooking. I don't know how well that will all go. But I can tell you, I will have a dish I made in hand, and a stock of gluten-free convinence foods with me!!!

I know how you feel about your kids. I have tried for a while now to feed my kids natural healthy foods. I have asked everyone to not give them candy and junk at every party or holiday. Noone listens, and I have to through it away, only after my kids have a melt down and get all frenzied from sugar. I am trying again for easter to get everyone to just give them a stuffed animal, or some fruit. My kids will pick fruit over candy any day, but I know I will have to through it all away again this year. I think I would consider a different option in child care, if your kids have celiac. The damage your MIL could do to them physically, could be devastating and totally not worth it.

Remember, you have us. When things get too hard with the family, turn to us, because we got your back. I hope your DH will come around. Try as hard as you can to educate him. I think that's really all you can do. You know how you feel, and that's what matters. You may even have to only focus on the positives of the diet. The really good things you can eat, how much healthier you are, how much more energy you have..... And maybe they will come around.

<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>

Lollie

[lovegrov]

"She keeps talking about how people should just eat what they want because they are going to die when they die anyway."

You can tell you mother-in-law about me. If I had kept eating gluten, I would have been dead more than four years ago, that's how sick I was. Is that really what she wants for you?

richard

[key]

Some people just seem to not get it and I don't understand it. My husband saw how sick, bloated, the bruises, stomach aches, nausea and weight loss that celiac caused me and firmly supports me.

Lollie,

Your mom sounds just like mine. I had the anorexia from feeling sick all the time too and she swore that I was trying not to eat. I still haven't gained alot of weight and she still thinks the same thing you said sometimes. That I don't eat gluten, just so I can be anorexic. I eat a ton now, but she is just blind to it, because I am still skinny. SOMetimes she is supportive and sometimes not. They all insist on feeding my kids junk too. At least they don't live right next to my kids and I just try and live with it to "some degree" when they are around.

I have to do what is best for me though and ignore them. That is the bottom line and maybe eventually they will get it. It has been a year for me and it is getting somewhat better.

This is a wonderful place to come when you are feeling down about the whole thing.

Monica

[plantime]

I guess I am very fortunate. My family all saw how my mom died because she ate whatever she wanted to, so they are very supportive of me. My inlaws have had to deal with food allergies and intolerances for years, so they understand and are supportive of me. Sometimes, people have to go through it themselves to truly understand. It is very possible that your family is just afraid of facing there own illness.

[tarnalberry]

At the end of the day, don't look to her for acceptance or understanding. That is irrelevant. Look to her for only one thing: respect of your choices. Period. That goes for you and your children. She can agree or disagree all she likes, but it is your choice, and by arguing with you about it, she is disrespecting you.

[ianm]

Some people just can't comprehend how a common food can make you sick. My ex-wife saw me go through hell with this and she still doesn't get it. Even with all of the amazingly positive changes I have gone through over the last two years she still doesn't understand celiac. Oh well my girlfriend understands it completely. Some people just can't accept change of any kind and will do whatever they have to do drag you back down.

[Guest nini]

Ian, just had to say I LOVE your avatar!

[tiredofdoctors]

I'm with Richard. Gluten has been and will, if I choose not to be gluten-free, destroy my cerebellum and brain stem to the point that my body will not be able to coordinate the muscles for my heart to beat correctly, for me to breathe, or for my arms or legs to move. Literally, it will kill me. I feel no need to explain to anyone why I choose a gluten-free lifestyle. If they want t to LEARN more about gluten intolerance, I'm happy to refer them to books, websites, etc., but I don't explain myself anymore . . . .

[CMCM]

I'm with Richard. Gluten has been and will, if I choose not to be gluten-free, destroy my cerebellum and brain stem to the point that my body will not be able to coordinate the muscles for my heart to beat correctly, for me to breathe, or for my arms or legs to move. Literally, it will kill me. I feel no need to explain to anyone why I choose a gluten-free lifestyle. If they want t to LEARN more about gluten intolerance, I'm happy to refer them to books, websites, etc., but I don't explain myself anymore . . . .

Gosh, I couldn't care less what others think. I mostly don't use the word "disease" because people kind of recoil at that word. So I'll mostly just say I'm allergic to wheat and can't eat it, (or even more abbreviated..."I can't eat wheat", and people kind of relate to that. Usually that's the end of it...rarely do people ever ask more about it. If they ask, I'll tell more, simple as that. And when I need to (i.e. in a restaurant when I'm trying to figure out what to order), I'll make a big deal about it to get their attention. I learned to do this because of my peanut allergic son....and because eating peanuts COULD kill him, I had to stress that fact to scare them. Sometimes it's kind of funny! But the lesson to learn...especially if you are younger...is just don't waste brain cells worrying about others and what they may say or think about all this, you just do what you need to do because that's what's best for you...it's your health and your body.

[prinsessa]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm sure my MIL will come around....it is just frustrating. It helps to know that other people have gone through the same thing.

[ianm]

Ian, just had to say I LOVE your avatar!

My son found that one and made it the wallpaper on the computer. When I saw that I knew it was the one for me.

I always tell people I am allergic to wheat even though that is technically not what celiac is. Allergy is a word most but not all people can understand. The ones that don't understand can go someplace.

[pixiegirl]

Keep in mind that not everybody "comes around". I usually say to people that I have Celiac and its like being severly allergic to wheat and gluten. I stress severly. Most people leave it at that. Obviously my friends and family know more about Celiac and some accept it, some don't. I honestly don't care if they do or not. I do and thats what counts. Its sad when people close to us don't seem to "get it" I can't explain why that is but it seems that most of us on this list know at least one or two (or 5 or 10) people just like that. I think we just have to assume the not getting it part is their problem. I'm still friends with the people I know that don't get it, but I manipulate situations so I don't have to worry about their not getting it. Either I choose where we eat or they come to my house for meals.

Susan

[CMCM]

Keep in mind that not everybody "comes around". I usually say to people that I have Celiac and its like being severly allergic to wheat and gluten. I stress severly. Most people leave it at that. Obviously my friends and family know more about Celiac and some accept it, some don't. I honestly don't care if they do or not. I do and thats what counts. Its sad when people close to us don't seem to "get it" I can't explain why that is but it seems that most of us on this list know at least one or two (or 5 or 10) people just like that. I think we just have to assume the not getting it part is their problem. I'm still friends with the people I know that don't get it, but I manipulate situations so I don't have to worry about their not getting it. Either I choose where we eat or they come to my house for meals.

Susan

I think one reason people don't get it is that we don't generally look physically sick or anything....and after all, they don't go into the bathroom with us to see what goes on there....

[jerseyangel]

I think one reason people don't get it is that we don't generally look physically sick or anything....and after all, they don't go into the bathroom with us to see what goes on there....

Ha--That would bring them around right quick!