Really Need A Supoort System

[bigapplekathleen]

HI there,

Thanks for your replies. See, here's the thing. It's NOT a huge change for me. I have been on the gluten-free diet now for 2 and a half years. The only time I went off was for that stupid gluten challenge last spring, in part prompted by this significant other who thought that I might actually be able to do it. (failed miserably)

His comments this morning scared me. He refused to tell me when and where mistakes were made in the kitchen, only that he knows that I can eat wheat because I didn't get sick those times. ( Does he really know every time I have diarrhea and body aches, etc?). It really makes me question everything...

k

[aikiducky]

I'm frankly worried about the situation as you describe it. It's one thing to wonder if you really have celiac, some of my friends I'm sure aren't completely convinced about mine... but it's a different thing to sneak gluten into your food to "test" you. What if you had an allergy instead, you might have died?

One thing you can do is to let him know whenever you do have symptoms. Don't just suffer them in silence, because then he won't know!

And if you don't mind a bit of totally unsolicited advice - some relationships work better when you don't actually live together. There's no law says you have to live together to be together. But of course I don't reallly know you so just take that as an idea.

Pauliina

[Judyin Philly]

Dear Kathleen

I wrote you a long pm. Please read it before you read this post....that being said.

sometimes when 'i'm spinning' i can't see things clearly. I pulled some things that you said and just put them here for you to consider....Please accept it with the intention that I am printing it...from the heart and with loving concern.

judy in philly

1.This is wreaking EXTREME havoc on my personal life and is destroying the relationship that I am now in. My health issues are way too much for him to handle. (too much baggage).

2.His comments this morning scared me. He refused to tell me when and where mistakes were made in the kitchen, only that he knows that I can eat wheat because I didn't get sick those times.

3.It really makes me question everything...

4.I am just shocked that he has done a 180 since I moved into his house. I never thought anyone could be so mean.

5.I don't know if I can go to the support group meeting. He is going ballistic about that, since it interferes with our 'family time' (he has 3 kids) and he is planning to clean up the yard on Sunday

6.however, the past 2 weeks, since I have been making all of my own food, I have been better. Am I crazy about this? Is he off base or am I ? Now I feel paranoid that he is going to cook me food with wheat just to prove a point (when in fact, my symptoms have been horrible...)

7.SUPPORT GROUP--"but I would expect that he would be jumping for joy that I would reach out to others with the same condition. "

Please keep in touch with us and I PRAY YOU CAN PUT YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH FIRST AND ATTEND THE SUPORT GROUP.

JUDY

[Guest nini]

You ABSOLUTELY need the support group. You are NOT off base. HE is. You cannot expect anyone else to take responsibility for your health, only you can do that. If he is not going to be able to be trusted to make you safe food, DON'T let him make your food.

You DO NOT have to have symptoms for damage to be occurring on the inside. The more "accidents" you have, the more you are putting yourself at increased risk of other diseases. It is absolutely ridiculous for him to be acting this immature about this. The ONLY solution is going to be COMMUNICATION. You absolutely need to make sure your needs are being met, and if they are not, then you will have to make some hard decisions.

I only say these things with the best of intentions, and I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.

Please keep us posted.

[Nancym]

Unfortunately untreated celiac disease leads to other autoimmune conditions quite often. Glad you're following the diet! I suggest finding a local celiac patient group and go to meetings. I haven't done that yet but I just got a diagnosis of an autoimmune disease and I have gone to one of their meetings. They're people you can learn from where to eat out, what to eat out and how to deal with the social implications of the disease.

It kind of sounds like the men you're chosing aren't able to deal with their mate having any difficulties. Personally I'd rather not have anyone around versus someone that wants to escape the first time things get bad. On the other hand, it does sound like celiac and autoimmune sufferers do often have a lack of support from their SO's. I think no one but you, and other patients, really understand what you're going through so getting you support from others like yourself makes a lot of sense.

Edit: Just read the rest of the thread, yeah... your SO's behavior is a little frightening.

[penguin]

The way you describe it, his behavior is bulls*it at best and abuse at worst. Challenging you to make yourself sick is NOT support.

It also worries me that he seems to know what and when the accidents were, but won't tell you. Not to sound paranoid, but is there any chance that he'd be intentionally glutening you as a test?

I agree with the others, it's going to take some evaluation of your relationship and living arrangements. I think any way you go, it may be a rough road for a while. Just know that we're here for you and wish you the best!

[bigapplekathleen]

HI guys,

He says he never intentionally put wheat in the food, but says there have been 'mistakes' made since there are kids around. What the heck does that mean? His kids seem to understand my celiac better than he does. He seems to feel I have never gotten sick at those times, but honestly, my health has been steadily deteriorating since we met a year ago. Before that, I had been stable on the gluten-free diet for over 18 months. Now I have fibromyalgia and all sorts of immune problems --- lots of pain, tired, etc.

I ran all of this by my counselor and he told me to RUN fast and get out of this relationship ASAP. This guy is too unpredictable and unstable. I don't trust him anymore. So I am going to look for a house or apt. tomorrow and hope that the universe shows me a path to one quickly!

Thanks for being there, you guys. And again, I am feeling SO MUCH better over the past 2 and half weeks since I went totally grain-free. I know I can't continue to eat like this, but I feel so much better, I am willing to keep it up as long as I can stand it and then re-introduce gluten-free grains slowly.

Thanks again,

k

[Judyin Philly]

I ran all of this by my counselor and he told me to RUN fast and get out of this relationship ASAP. This guy is too unpredictable and unstable. I don't trust him anymore. So I am going to look for a house or apt. tomorrow and hope that the universe shows me a path to one quickly!

CONGRATULATIONS--

I KNOW THIS WON'T BE EASY FOR YOU TOMORROW.

SOME OF THE 'GROWTH STEPS' WE NEED TO MAKE NEVER ARE.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

I'LL PRAY FOR YOU TOMORROW.

PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW YOU COME OUT.

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

JUDY IN PHILLY

[Canadian Karen]

Wow! Just got back into this thread and read about what is happening to you in this relationship.

Your counsellor is a very wise person. I am glad you are taking their advice. When I read this thread, honest to God, you know what image I got? The guy from "Sleeping with the Enemy", ya know the movie with Julia Roberts? This guy sounds like a control freak! I haven't read one thing about his behavior that suggests "love" to me, not one.

Please keep us posted - I will keep you in my prayers (and my fingers and toes crossed that you will find an apt!)

Hugs.

Karen

[Guest nini]

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you, I know this won't be easy, but you have to do what is best for you, and he is not what is best for you. I've learned that you can love someone, but if they don't give you the respect you deserve, then you have to love yourself more to get out of the relationship and take care of yourself. I'm glad to hear that you love yourself MORE, and I am so proud of you for taking this step.

It does sound like he is being at the very least emotionally abusive, which is not good. Controlling, which is even worse, and downright trying to sabotage your diet... BAAAAAD NEWS!!!

Your counselor is very smart, run away and FAST!

[jerseyangel]

Kathleen--I'm relieved to hear that your counselor suggested that you leave now. Although it will be difficult (or maybe not so much considering what has happened), it seems clear that it is the best thing you can do for yourself. You sound like a lovely, sensitive person--you deserve someone in your life that will be supportave and caring. Until that person comes along, you have YOU--a strong, sensible individual who can stand up for and take care of herself

[Guest Robbin]

Hi Kathleen,

I know this is going to take a huge amount of courage on your part, but you have got to look out for yourself. I hope you find the courage and have a support system somewhere that can help you get back on your feet. Eighteen years ago I was in a similar situation, and I know how scary it can be. I will tell you what my counselor at the time told me, "That man is slowly killing you, you have to protect yourself" Not taking your illness seriously, not being careful of what you can eat, abusing you for seeking help, these things are making your illness worse--and that illness can kill you. Please, I know you find it hard to believe right now, when you are smack in the middle of chaos, but you will get better. Put yourself first for a change. Your health will not improve as long as there is so much stress and emotional abuse/neglect going on. I am praying for you, and hope that you are feeling stronger physically, and emotionally.

[Judyin Philly]

Kathleen

I came on to see if you posted today.

even if you didn't look for another place to stay..you can still post here.

don't fee that YOU HAVE to take our advice.

We all know what a big step this is.

you have to do WHAT'S best for you and olny you can figure that out.

just know we are here to support and not judge you what ever you decide to do.

judy in philly