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Birthday Parties And Family Get Togethers.

shai76

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Smunkeemom Enthusiast
Smunkeemom
Posted
I am so sorry that you guys have to or had to put up with that kind of abuse. I guess I am lucky, we only have one of my husband's brothers' living near us and they (husband and wife) are totally supportive of my diet. I do know that two of them (that live far away) would not be supportive nor would their spouses. My husband has seen me almost dead and so he is totally emphatic to people about my diet when we go out to dinner or over to their homes to eat. I agree with Smunkeemom that you do not need to take that abuse from anyone - relative or not. Your health and the health of your child is more important then that. If your husband wants to see his family, then send him alone. I have a relative with a daughter-in-law that was really mean to her and enough was enough. She now sees her son and grandchildren away from their home and it is working out great. No more stress over the abuse. I wish you both well in your given situations.

thank you. I knew they were abusive (or I thought they were) and hubby agreed, but I was starting to think he was just agreeing because he thought he had to or something. My big issue has been still seeing my mom, and she is still seeing them, so I get the "are you sure you haven't been brainwashed? because they seem fine to me"

I think they are NOT okay, my big test is would I talk to my kids like that and the answer is NO, so if I don't want my kids treated like that, why would I allow myself to get treated that way?

I sometimes think my family is so screwed up that they can't even see that they are screwed up.

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CarlaB Enthusiast
CarlaB
Posted

I think a lot of it has to do with intent.

My dad teases me a bit and says things like, "I bet you wish you could eat this." So I just tease him right back when I'm enjoying a high fat snack and not worrying about my cholesterol or weight!! With him it's all in jest. It's his way of acknowledging my problem.

I've cut it off with my mom and sisters. They are very emotionally abusive, and always have been. I'll spare you lots of examples, but here's one to show you the difference in their intent -- I was visiting (they live in Texas, we live in Ohio), and after a busy day my mom said, "Let's order pizza." I was newly "off gluten" so gave her the benefit of the doubt (assumed she forgot, unlikely after a whole week of making so many issues out of eating), my husband and I PAID for the pizza for our six kids, my mom and step-father, then my husband took me out to get something to eat as there was nothing in the house. The gossip got all around the family, not that I had celiac, rather that we had Mom cook for us all week (she didn't!!!!!), then we went out to dinner and didn't even invite her.

That's one example, obviously it took much more than that to justify cutting off from them ... but that gives you the idea. Very different intent. Dad doesn't mean to hurt me, he's actually trying to be understanding, so I can overlook comments that seem insensitive. Mom is not trying to be nice ...

Smunkeemom Enthusiast
Smunkeemom
Posted

Carla that is exactly the type of thing that goes on in my family. My husband said the other day that if I got some weird disease that could only be treated in one hospital over seas that my family would quit speaking to me because I didn't die close to home where they could see me, instead of getting a cure far away.......and he is right, that is exactly how it would go down.

CarlaB Enthusiast
CarlaB
Posted

I can relate. I put up with all of it so my kids would get to know their family. However, when the kids started asking why they treated me this way (they don't treat each other this way, and I realize that sounds paranoid <_< ), I knew it was time to stop being an example for them of accepting abuse for the sake of the relationship because that's the last thing I would want one of them to do. The other final straw was when they were trying to win my dad over to their way of thinking. I knew the only way I could say to Dad that they were outright lying about me was to not be talking to them at all.

Family is tough. All families have problems. My husband's does, too, but it's not abusive, it's just weird family issues.

tarnalberry Community Regular
tarnalberry
Posted

Not speaking to family IS an option. It's not one to be taken lightly. It's not one without it's own external challenges (primarily social ostracization from people who think "but it's your family, you have to love them, they raised you and are your family"). It's not one without it's own emotional difficulties (giving up the hope of something that society tells us we should be entitled to). But as you chose to get in a car, to open your mouth, to walk through a door, and so on, you CHOOSE to interact with every person you do interact with. It is a choice, and you can make a different one. Sometimes it does seem impossible, but it is always possible. Most times resolution is the better route, but why stand still for someone who repeatedly stabs you with your kitchen knife, when all you need to do is walk away?

shai76 Explorer
shai76
Posted
  • Author

I'm glad I'm not the only one having to deal with this stuff! I know my husband has put up with people not taking his allergy to animals serious his whole life. Even after having to spend two weeks in the hospital on a respirator when he was 4 his family still got more and more animals, and they go hunting, touch deer hides, and that laugh when his eyes swell up. To make matters worse his dad is a butcher with his own deer processing business. We can not go there for half the year that different hunting seasons are going on. They act like we are mean for not taking their grandson to see them all fall and half the winter, but it's either that or my husband could die. They also ask me things like, "how will your son ever grow out of his allergies if you don't give him the things he is allergic too?" They don't get it. I'm convinced it is ignorance, not ill intentions, but for our safety and the safety of our child, we don't leave him alone with people. He's with us always, which might become a problem when he starts school.

mart Contributor
mart
Posted

I think we're all related. My family does garbage like that. They all get together and gossip behind my back in my own house about how we are so "problematic" with health and food, then they act all condescending. With family like that, who needs enemies? I've worked hard to keep it together but find myself bitter towards them.

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Smunkeemom Enthusiast
Smunkeemom
Posted
Family is tough. All families have problems. My husband's does, too, but it's not abusive, it's just weird family issues.

my husband's family has problems too, but they are much healthier, when one of them said something to me that hurt my feelings I said "when you joke about that, it hurts my feelings" and they appologized and it hasn't been brought up since.

That's the kind of people I want my kids around, people who care. It's not like we never argue or get our feelings hurt, but there is an undercurrent of love, that seems to make the rest of the crap not matter as much.

I can't begin to speak as to what kind of undercurrent runs in my family..........eww..... :huh:

penguin Community Regular
penguin
Posted

Remember one thing and it'll give you courage:

Mean people suck...all of the life out of you

shai76 Explorer
shai76
Posted
  • Author

I could never not talk to my family. I love them, and I want to be with them, which is why I am going to take the extra steps necessary to help them understand, even if it annoys them. Today, about the cake, I just told them if it doesn't bother us why should it bother them? And they couldn't answer and shut up about it. Then we moved on to more important topics like Big Ben in a terrible motorcycle accident today. :(

Tony'sMom Rookie
Tony'sMom
Posted

I don't want to sound rude but these are not the type of people I would want my kids around. Making fun of disabled people? Yuck.

I know how difficult it can be ( and I do know) but you need to tell your family to back off. Do you want them to mock your son for his celiac disease? Because if they will make fun of his dad then they will eventually make fun of him too.

I'm sorry they aren't more supportive.

CarlaB Enthusiast
CarlaB
Posted
I could never not talk to my family. I love them, and I want to be with them, which is why I am going to take the extra steps necessary to help them understand, even if it annoys them. Today, about the cake, I just told them if it doesn't bother us why should it bother them? And they couldn't answer and shut up about it. Then we moved on to more important topics like Big Ben in a terrible motorcycle accident today. :(

This is a great attitude! I also appreciate tarnalberry's response. I did stop seeing my family (some of them), but it was an abusive situation for over 30 years, waaayyy before gluten intolerance! It was a long time coming! If it's just a problem seeing eye to eye on diet, or other ways we think others in our families are weird, that's one thing. If it's abuse, it's a whole different story and needs to be addressed in a different way. Walking away is not something to be taken lightly.

I get the kind of comment you mention above from my husband's side occasssionally. That's just the nature of families who are comfortable together. Sometimes we say things to people we are more comfortable with that we would never say to friends or strangers!

Walking away should only be an option in the case of ongoing abuse.

shai76 Explorer
shai76
Posted
  • Author
This is a great attitude! I also appreciate tarnalberry's response. I did stop seeing my family (some of them), but it was an abusive situation for over 30 years, waaayyy before gluten intolerance! It was a long time coming! If it's just a problem seeing eye to eye on diet, or other ways we think others in our families are weird, that's one thing. If it's abuse, it's a whole different story and needs to be addressed in a different way. Walking away is not something to be taken lightly.

I get the kind of comment you mention above from my husband's side occasssionally. That's just the nature of families who are comfortable together. Sometimes we say things to people we are more comfortable with that we would never say to friends or strangers!

Walking away should only be an option in the case of ongoing abuse.

Carla, that's exactly what I am talking about. My family would not just walk up to a person they don't know and make fun of them, but when they feel comfortable enough around family they do and they see it as fun, and "bonding" in a weird way. I just think they get carried away and don't realize when they are actually stepping over the line from fun to rude. They also think I need to relax about the food thing with my son, and to some extent they are probably right. I am very anxious around food.

CarlaB Enthusiast
CarlaB
Posted
Carla, that's exactly what I am talking about. My family would not just walk up to a person they don't know and make fun of them, but when they feel comfortable enough around family they do and they see it as fun, and "bonding" in a weird way. I just think they get carried away and don't realize when they are actually stepping over the line from fun to rude. They also think I need to relax about the food thing with my son, and to some extent they are probably right. I am very anxious around food.

Maybe the fact that you know you need to relax (while keeping him gluten-free of course) is part of the reason you are so sensitive to it right now. Much in the same way the family members who criticize us the most are the ones with the symptoms who won't be tested.

shai76 Explorer
shai76
Posted
  • Author
Maybe the fact that you know you need to relax (while keeping him gluten-free of course) is part of the reason you are so sensitive to it right now. Much in the same way the family members who criticize us the most are the ones with the symptoms who won't be tested.

You're so right! My dad loves to say, "I don't know where you got those allergies from" all the while he is sucking on an asthma inhaler, coughing and wheezing, itching all over. lol

maggee Newbie
maggee
Posted

I might be chiming in late here but I have had a similar problem - (my 7 yo recently diagnosed celiac but has had multiple food allergies since he was a yr old)

I endured the same issues and tried to solve them without 'losing' family or hurting feelings - but here is what is really boiled down to.. however I handle these situations is exactly how my son will handle these situations.

When I realized this I decided to stand up to bullies ("family" or not), educate the ignorant, and never compromise. My son and 3yo daughter have learned that most people (especially adults) will offer food that is bad for them and will always turn it down.

It wasn't easy at first but I know my children will encounter this throughout their lives I want them to know how to protect themselves.

Sorry you have to go thru this as well as deal with the health issues but I hope this helps.

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