What Do You Do?

[tracey*]

I couldn't tell you the amount of times that my friends have invited me out to a restaurant but I've said no because it's not gluten-free and there's no guarantee that they will accomodate me.

I miss my friends! I want to go out with them, so I've said yes this time.

There's no way to change the restaurant venue - they've planned it around themselves, which is fine. Every now and again we go somewhere with maybe 1 or 2 things I can eat on the menu, but this time I think it's basically down to water.

I don't mind going and not eating, but I think that's rude (which is why I don't tend to go out and eat with them, which in turn is rude).

But what do YOU do in this case?

Sit and twiddle your thumbs while they eat? Ask to bring your own (slim chance of that also)? Not go at all?

Thanks in advance for any advice xx

[DuckyDiva]

I couldn't tell you the amount of times that my friends have invited me out to a restaurant but I've said no because it's not gluten-free and there's no guarantee that they will accomodate me.

I miss my friends! I want to go out with them, so I've said yes this time.

There's no way to change the restaurant venue - they've planned it around themselves, which is fine. Every now and again we go somewhere with maybe 1 or 2 things I can eat on the menu, but this time I think it's basically down to water.

I don't mind going and not eating, but I think that's rude (which is why I don't tend to go out and eat with them, which in turn is rude).

But what do YOU do in this case?

Sit and twiddle your thumbs while they eat? Ask to bring your own (slim chance of that also)? Not go at all?

Thanks in advance for any advice xx

What I normally do (and I know at times I do take the risk of CC) is I let the waiter/waitress know that I am allergic to anything containing wheat, and if there is any way they can make sure my food doesn't come in contact with any bread, croutons, etc.

Most of the places my friends pick are restaurants that serve burgers and such .. so I normally ask first if they use plain or seasoned patties ... if plain I will order without a bun, and instead of fries like most places serve with burgers, I will get a baked potato.

One thing is though .. if they are your friends.. why can't they pick someplace you can go? They could eat from Outback Steakhouse just as easily as you can, an if you call beforehand and talk to someone in the kitchen, places like Bennigan's and such are normally very accomadating. At least that is the experience I have had in Chicago.

[Guest Kathy Ann]

You know, I'm trying to look at this from both sides. But if I had a friend who couldn't walk and invited her out to dinner, would I pick a restaurant with a huge flight of stairs?

I know my family loves me very much. But because they totally DON'T UNDERSTAND the ramifications of having celiac, they are doing things that are actually quite cruel. I forgive them for their lack of understanding. But I have been left sitting hungry in a restaurant booth drinking water while the rest of them chowed down on all kinds of wonderful things. They eat my formerly favorite foods all around me at home and elsewhere without giving it a thought.

I know if I had a friend or family member who was celiac (and I was not), I would suggest gluten free holidays, gluten free restaurants and gluten free kitchens. I would actually find it fun to see how creative we could be. When you really love someone with a problem, you come along side of them and cruise at their speed if need be. You don't flit about in your sporty little speedboats casually asking what you can do and then speeding off into the sunset.

[aikiducky]

What I would do is call the restaurant in advance and talk with the manager. It might be that with a bit of advance warning they might be able to prepare something gluten free, and it's easier to get into the details of the diet and cross contamination issues etc. on the phone during a more quiet time of the day.

Then if it sounded like it really would be too much of a risk I would ask if they minded me taking something to snack on with me, and I would eat that and have a drink while my friends eat. I would take something I really like, too.

I've actually done that before, eat food that I brought with me at a restaurant.

If the restaurant wasn't willing to allow that... well I wouldn't really want to go there... but if I really really wanted to meet my friends I'd make sure to have a nice meal at home beforehand. And I'd make sure I had some of my favorite nibbles at home for later if I felt peckish after coming home again. AND I'd still sneak a little something into the restaurant, that I could easily nibble on without attracting attention, a handful of nuts and raisins is one of my usual things.

Anyway, the best thing about calling in advance is that you can find out what the deal is in advance and you don't need to feel like you're making a fuss once you're there. And it gives the restaurant a chance to prepare something for you that they normally wouldn't be able to, for example if they usually put a rub or marinade on their meat, if they have advance warning they might put a plain piece of meat aside for you. A lot of the work of preparing the food is done during the day before a place even opens to customers.

Hope this helps!

Pauliina

[jerseyangel]

Hi Tracey,

Definately call ahead and speak to a manager. I very rarely go out to eat, but I had a great experience at our local TGI Friday's. They do not have a gluten-free menu and if you call their corporate office, they will tell you that they don't have a gluten-free list.

I called ahead (to the restaurant), and the manager I spoke to said that they could accomodate me. I explained about gluten and cross contamination. She assured me that they could clean a section of the grill, and even suggested things on the menu that would be safe for me.

When we got there, another manager came over, sat down and again assured me that they would grill my steak on a clean grill, use clean tongs, not let anything touch my food or plate. I also ordered the steamed brocolli and had sparkling water w/ lime.

Everything was great--and most importantly, I did not get sick!

So, even if the restaurant isn't known for it's gluten-free menu, it pays to speak up and ask--you might be pleasantly surprised Eating out is always somewhat of a gamble, anyway. All we can do is our best to try and reduce the risks.

[tracey*]

Thanks for the replies

As I said - there's no way to accommodate me - I already have called ahead and there's no guarantee of no cross contamination. I've asked about bringing my own food but they weren't very understanding unfortunately.

My friends are great, but yes they don't "get it" and they've organised it themselves ahead of time, so in this case I wouldn't ask them to go elsewhere.

[rinne]

I don't mind going and not eating, but I think that's rude (which is why I don't tend to go out and eat with them, which in turn is rude).

It sounds like you are taking on a fair bit of 'rudeness', if I am understanding you correctly you think it is rude to go to a restaurant and not eat and you think it is rude of you to not go out and eat with your friends, yes?

Do your friends know how ill you will be if you have gluten?

Kathy Ann, I appreciated everything you had to say.

[tracey*]

if I am understanding you correctly you think it is rude to go to a restaurant and not eat and you think it is rude of you to not go out and eat with your friends, yes?

Yeah, see in my mind it's confusing - it's either be 'rude' and decline the invitation; or be 'rude' and just sit there and not eat and be the obvious person left out. Thinking this way, the problem isn't with them or anyone else, the problem is with me and how I perceive myself to be (rude or not rude).

Anyway, I went out tonight with them and it was fine. I was able to eat some white rice and took the time to explain to them again why I couldn't eat what they were having. Alot of people really don't understand or even know about food allergies and intolerances and I'm having to educate them about it. No one had heard about being gluten free, let alone being coealic. They've accepted my invitation to take THEM out or to make them dinner next.

And maybe they don't really care about me, you're right - but I don't question the friendship and that's not why I posted this thread....

[Heater]

Kathy Ann, I really liked your speedboat analogy. Some of my "friends" fit perfectly into that category. They ask questions and pretend like they know what's going on, but then in the next sentence they'll tell me to try something I'm unsure about and see if it makes me sick. Or ask if I've started reintroducing wheat yet. So I know they don't really get it. That's mostly my old friends that do that.

New people that I've met since being disgnosed with celiac disease are awesome. They read my gluten free books and ask tons of questions as things come up, not just a one time thing. My last roommate was the best- she'd make me cookies and then write a note saying she used my butter and pans to make sure they didn't get cross contaminated.

Heather

[lonewolf]

I've been in the same situation before. I just took something in my purse to eat. I ordered something to drink and then ate and visited. The waitress gave me a strange look and I said something like, "I have serious food allergies, so I can't eat anything you serve, but I just came along to socialize." It wasn't much of a problem. And I've been to fast food type restaurants where I've just drank water.

I would love it if all my family and friends were perfectly understanding and accomodating, but it will never happen.

[connole1056]

You did not mention the name of the restaurant you went to, so I do not know whether or not it is a chain. It find it can be hard in chain restaurants, like Applebees, that serve mostly frozen/prepared food. That being said, I have never been unable to find something gluten-free! Granted the choices can be very limited, but there is always something available. I have always found waiters and chefs/cooks to be very accomodating.

So what restaurants are you referring to where you cannot eat and have to sit with only a drink? The only other places I think may be a problem besides restaurants with mainly frozen food, are Asain places that prepare much of the food ahead of time. It seems like your friends are not too nice to you if they eat in front of you and continue going to places you are uncomfortable in. Have you tried suggesting a different venue? Maybe if you did it a few times they would get a clue and ask you to chose the restaurant.

Good gluten-free choices that are almost always available: steak, salad, potatoes, burgers, chicken, fish, vegetables. Sometimes I bring gluten-free salad dressing or other condiments in my pocketbook so the food does not have to be eaten plain. One favorite is chicken parmigana-broiled chick breast topped with sauce and cheese-and mashed potatoes on the side instead of macaroni. Mashed potatoes are not always available, so baked are another good choice.

[Vladimir Gluten]

It's rather simple. Your dietary restrictions are not their problem. You (and only you) are responsible for what you eat. So, eat before you go. Or, just have a diet coke if you can't find something you are sure of.

They want to go out with you, so go out. Don't make things a hassle or they'll stop asking.

Next time, ask them out to a restaurant that has gluten-free items on the menu.

[ArtGirl]

If I go out with someone to a restaurant, most likely I will bring my own food. I don't ask anyone if they mind. I just do it. I wait until others have had their meals served to them and then bring my food out and start eating along with everyone else. I never even considered it to be rude - it's just part of what I do and how I handle my disability. I've never had any restaurant staff question me about this, but if they did, I'd just say I have severe food allergies. My friends are used to this and don't bother me about it. I enjoy the time socializing with friends and since I don't make the meal an issue they don't either.

[tarnalberry]

It is NOT rude to not make yourself sick. If I can't find something at a place that won't make me sick - and no place can GUARANTEE no contamination risks - then I'll not eat. I may bring something with me, but more often I'll eat ahead, as that's easier. I'm going out with friends to socialize, not just to get sustenance.

[BostonCeliac]

Lately when I go out to a non gluten-free place with friends - I usually end up getting a plain salad with oil & vinegar on the side - they always have that! I make sure to say NO CROUTONS! of course... sometimes they have a mashed potato side or something too... Salads are always a good go-to food though...

[pixiegirl]

Wow I'm always surprised when some of you think that perhaps a friend isn't a friend if they don't "get" your gluten issues. I guess it depends on the level of friendship and I guess the friend. My very best friend in the whole wide world (since I was 14) understands that I can't have gluten and she generally knows where gluten resides but... each time she is cooking for me, she asks what I can eat what I can't (she knows i can't have bread but say with dressings or rice, sauces) and even though its repeated over and over she still asks and I don't get mad.

When we go to restaurants I figure it out, I don't expect her or any of my friends to only go to gluten-free places for me, especially where I live we'd be forced to go to only 1 or 2 places. I handle it, its my issue and honestly I wouldn't trust it for others to remember it all, it took me months and months to figure out gluten so to expect my friends to do it now and then... well I just don't.

Once in a while they all go to restaurants that I know I can't go to, that have huge cross contamination issues and I would never sit there and not eat so I turn those invitations down, however when I do decline I say... I know that restaurant and I'm positive that I can't get something safe for me. In almost all cases my friends stop and say.... oh well we could go somewhere else. And I'd say 75% of the time they are willing to go to a place I can eat. Most of the time they have just forgotten and thats fine with me. But once in a while they pick someplace I can't go and thats fine too.

I have said this many times here before... I travel all the time and I've almost never been glutened in an upscale restaurant. Last week I went into a nice place with a friend and I didn't have the opportunity to call ahead (I usually try to do that). I walked in and talked to the maitre d and the minute I started he smiled and said we have dealt with gluten issues many times don't worry.

My waiter was tipped off and said to me why don't you tell me what your interested in, pick any menu items and I will speak to the chef about them. So I choose 3 items and one was a seafood pasta (with lobster) and the waiter came back with the chef... who told me he understands gluten and talked about it and i realized he knew his stuff and he said he could do the seafood pasta over parmasean risotto that he makes from scratch (including the chicken stock so there was no gluten in that either) and thats what I got and what a fantastic meal! This has been my experience 99.9% of the times in fine restaurants, most chefs are a bit insulted when I ask about flour in sauces .... a good chef cooks his hollandise and such down, they don't add flour to thicken.

I'm thankful I can afford good places but even in small places I can do fruit and poached eggs for breakfast, salads or fish/chicken for lunch or dinner... baked potatoes... But again I like it when my friends remember I have food issues but I don't expect them to actually help me manage them.

Susan