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The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original


TriticusToxicum

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DingoGirl Enthusiast

"I gotta FEVAH, and the only prescription, is more COWBELL" :lol: I have seen that clip at least six times and love it every time......am going to now find Christopher Walken (yes I would marry him) on that silly dancing video we all love.....

Okay, I might have just a TOUCH of my mojo back.....we will see....... :unsure:


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  • Replies 51k
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Kyalesyin Apprentice

Sorry if these have been posted before, my Aunt Mel just sent them to me, and I think they're fabulous.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

nikki-uk Enthusiast

Nice one 'Aunt Mel' ! :D

....I often wondered these things too.. :blink:

Mtndog Collaborator

Those are hysterical- your aunt Mel needs to meet my Uncle Ray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mtndog Collaborator

OK- here's what we do best:

Open Original Shared Link

nikki-uk Enthusiast
OK- here's what we do best:

Open Original Shared Link

An excellent idea! (to flush for world peace)

..but can I just say I disapprove of flushing whilst still sitting LOL! ....and reading as well (of course everyone has their own toilet etiquette :lol: )

...and who knew there was a Open Original Shared Link?..says nothing about reading though - must just be me :lol:

Mtndog Collaborator

That is HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to join! :ph34r:


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Jestgar Rising Star

Open Original Shared Link

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!

Jestgar Rising Star

>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

>>to the following questions!!

>>

>>

>>Why did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

>>

>>2. Mostly to clean the house.

>>

>>3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

>>

>>

>>How did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

>>

>>2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

>>

>>3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

>>parts.

>>

>>

>>What ingredients are mothers made of?

>>

>>1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

>>the

>>world and one dab of mean.

>>

>>2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

>>string

>> I think

>>

>>

>>Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?

>>

>>1. We're related

>>

>>2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

>>

>>

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.

>>

>>

>>What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

>>

>>1. His last name.

>>

>>2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk

>>on

>>beer?

>>

>>3. Does he make a t least $800 a year? Did he say NO to dr ugs and YES to

>>chores?

>>

>>

>>Why did your mom marry your dad?

>>

>>1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

>>

>>2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

>>

>>3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

>>

>>

>>Who's the boss at your house?

>>

>>1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

>>ball.

>>

>>2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

>>

>>3. I guess Mom is. But only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

>>

>>

>>What's the difference between moms & dads?

>>

>>1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

>>

>>2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

>>

>>3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

>>that

>>s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

>>

>>4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

>>

>>What does your mom do in her spare time?

>>

>>1. Mothers don't do spare time.

>>

>>2. To hear her tell it, she pay s bills all day long.

>>

>>

>>What would it take to make your mom perfect?

>>

>>1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

>>plastic surgery.

>>

>>2. Diet, you know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

>>

>>

>>If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

>>

>>1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

>>that.

>>

>>2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did

>>it

>>and not me.

>>

>>3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

>>her head.

nikki-uk Enthusiast
Open Original Shared Link

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!

LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:

nikki-uk Enthusiast
>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

Hee-hee :D

These are of course all true!! ;)

..but these in particular made me laugh as I know my kids think like this :lol:

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.

Mtndog Collaborator
LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:

Sadly- TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went with the rake handle. I bet that thing would make a darn good margarita (minus the splinters :P ).

This is very silly:

jerseyangel Proficient

Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:

Mtndog Collaborator
Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:

:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!

nikki-uk Enthusiast
:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!

:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )

Mtndog Collaborator
:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )

Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!

nikki-uk Enthusiast
Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!

:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, Open Original Shared Link things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )

Jestgar Rising Star

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Jestgar Rising Star

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the poop out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Mtndog Collaborator
:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, Open Original Shared Link things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )

OMG- THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hind-lick maneuver :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jestgar- Vodka has the SAME effect on me- JUST ASK MY POOR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's another from my uncle:

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

nikki-uk Enthusiast

Thanks for the great jokes guys !!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

(Bev, I LOVE your uncle!! ;) )

We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Mtndog Collaborator
We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I love my uncle too- he's a hoot!

YouTube Video of the Day. It's

This song CRACKS me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's by Ill Mitch (NOT in the video). He's a Russian skateboarder. Silly!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's his webpage: Open Original Shared Link

Jestgar Rising Star
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I totally didn't see that coming!!

gfp Enthusiast

Ok, now this cracks me up :D

Visa add some charge to my card, it was 27p (about 40c) but I have no other transacations that month on that card.

I forget what is was a currency transaction... some surcharge they added the followingg month.

it costs me about 50% more to post a cheque (standard rate) and about 20x more for a guaranteed delivery...

Today I get my bill ... 12 pounds for late payment .. total 12.27

yeah I realise its a contract and its still trivial money but are they serious...

I just find the whole thing rather funny!

Mtndog Collaborator

Oh...don't get me started!!!!! They'll send you a bill for $0.05 if they want it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evil (we need a little devil icon)

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    • cristiana
      Hi @Scatterbrain Thank you for your reply.   Some of these things could be weaknesses, also triggered by stress, which perhaps have come about as the result of long-term deficiencies which can take a long time to correct.   Some could be completely unrelated. If it is of help, I'll tell you some of the things that started in the first year or two, following my diagnosis - I pinned everything on coeliac disease, but it turns out I wasn't always right!  Dizziness, lightheaded - I was eventually diagnosed with cervical dizziness (worth googling, could be your issue too, also if you have neck pain?)  A few months after diagnosis I put my neck out slightly carrying my seven-year-old above my head, and never assigned any relevance to it as the pain at the time was severe but so short-lived that I'd forgotten the connection. Jaw pain - stress. Tinnitus - I think stress, but perhaps exacerbated by iron/vitamin deficiencies. Painful ribs and sacroiliac joints - no idea, bloating made the pain worse. It got really bad but then got better. Irregular heart rate - could be a coincidence but my sister (not a coeliac) and I both developed this temporarily after our second Astra Zeneca covid jabs.   Subsequent Pfizer jabs didn't affect us. Brain fog - a big thing for people with certain autoimmune issues but in my case I think possibly worse when my iron or B12 are low, but I have no proof of this. Insomnia - stress, menopause. So basically, it isn't always gluten.  It might be worth having your vitamins and mineral levels checked, and if you have deficiencies speak to your Dr about how better to address them?    
    • knitty kitty
      @NanceK, I do have Hypersensitivity Type Four reaction to Sulfa drugs, a sulfa allergy.  Benfotiamine and other forms of Thiamine do not bother me at all.  There's sulfur in all kinds of Thiamine, yet our bodies must have it as an essential nutrient to make life sustaining enzymes.  The sulfur in thiamine is in a ring which does not trigger sulfa allergy like sulfites in a chain found in pharmaceuticals.  Doctors are not given sufficient education in nutrition (nor chemistry in this case).  I studied Nutrition before earning a degree in Microbiology.  I wanted to know what vitamins were doing inside the body.   Thiamine is safe and nontoxic even in high doses.   Not feeling well after starting Benfotiamine is normal.  It's called the "thiamine paradox" and is equivalent to an engine backfiring if it's not been cranked up for a while.  Mine went away in about three days.  I took a B Complex, magnesium and added molybdenum for a few weeks. It's important to add a B Complex with all eight essential B vitamins. Supplementing just one B vitamin can cause lows in some of the others and result in feeling worse, too.  Celiac Disease causes malabsorption of all the B vitamins, not just thiamine.  You need all eight.  Thiamine forms including Benfotiamine interact with each of the other B vitamins in some way.  It's important to add a magnesium glycinate or chelate supplement as well.  Forms of Thiamine including Benfotiamine need magnesium to make those life sustaining enzymes.  (Don't use magnesium oxide.  It's not absorbed well.  It pulls water into the intestines and is used to relieve constipation.)   Molybdenum is a trace mineral that helps the body utilize forms of Thiamine.   Molybdenum supplements are available over the counter.  It's not unusual to be low in molybdenum if low in thiamine.   I do hope you will add the necessary supplements and try Benfotiamine again. Science-y Explanation of Thiamine Paradox: https://hormonesmatter.com/paradoxical-reactions-with-ttfd-the-glutathione-connection/#google_vignette
    • Wheatwacked
      Your goal is not to be a good puppet, there is no gain in that. You might want to restart the ones that helped.  It sounds more like you are suffering from malnutrition.  Gluten free foods are not fortified with things like Thiamine (B1), vitamin D, Iodine, B1,2,3,5,6 and 12 as non-gluten free products are required to be. There is a Catch-22 here.  Malnutrition can cause SIBO, and SIBO can worsen malnutrition. Another possibility is side effects from any medication that are taking.  I was on Metformin 3 months before it turned me into a zombi.  I had crippling side effects from most of the BP meds tried on me, and Losartan has many of the side effects on me from my pre gluten free days. Because you have been gluten free, you can test and talk until you are blue in the face but all of your tests will be negative.  Without gluten, you will not create the antigen against gluten, no antigens to gluten, so no small intestine damage from the antigens.  You will need to do a gluten challange to test positive if you need an official diagnosis, and even then, no guaranty: 10 g of gluten per day for 6 weeks! Then a full panel of Celiac tests and biopsy. At a minimum consider vitamin D, Liquid Iodine (unless you have dermatitis herpetiformis and iodine exasperates the rash), and Liquid Geritol. Push for vitamin D testing and a consult with a nutritionist experienced with Celiack Disease.  Most blood tests don't indicate nutritional deficiencies.  Your thyroid tests can be perfect, yet not indicate iodine deficiency for example.  Thiamine   test fine, but not pick up on beriberi.  Vegans are often B12 deficient because meat, fish, poultry, eggs, and dairy are the primary souces of B12. Here is what I take daily.  10,000 IU vitamin D3 750 mg g a b a [   ] 200 mg CoQ10 [   ] 100 mg DHEA [   ] 250 mg thiamine B1 [   ] 100 mg of B2 [   ] 500 mg B5 pantothenic acid [   ] 100 mg B6 [   ] 1000 micrograms B12 n [   ] 500 mg vitamin c [   ] 500 mg taurine [   ] 200 mg selenium   
    • NanceK
      Hi…Just a note that if you have an allergy to sulfa it’s best not to take Benfotiamine. I bought a bottle and tried one without looking into it first and didn’t feel well.  I checked with my pharmacist and he said not to take it with a known sulfa allergy. I was really bummed because I thought it would help my energy level, but I was thankful I was given this info before taking more of it. 
    • Wheatwacked
      Hello @Scatterbrain, Are you getting enough vitamins and minerals.  Gluten free food is not fortified so you may be starting to run low on B vitamins and vitamin D.   By the way you should get your mom checked for celiac disease.  You got it from your mom or dad.  Some studies show that following a gluten-free diet can stabilize or improve symptoms of dementia.  I know that for the 63 years I was eating gluten I got dumber and dumber until I started GFD and vitamin replenishment and it began to reverse.  Thiamine can get used up in a week or two.  Symptoms can come and go with daily diet.  Symptoms of beriberi due to Thiamine deficiency.   Difficulty walking. Loss of feeling (sensation) in hands and feet. Loss of muscle function or paralysis of the lower legs. Mental confusion. Pain. Speech difficulties. Strange eye movements (nystagmus) Tingling. Any change in medications? Last March I had corotid artery surgery (90 % blockage), and I started taking Losartan for blood pressure, added to the Clonidine I was taking already.  I was not recovering well and many of my pre gluten free symptoms were back  I was getting worse.  At first I thought it was caused a reaction to the anesthesia from the surgery, but that should have improved after two weeks.  Doctor thought I was just being a wimp. After three months I talked to my doctor about a break from the Losartan to see if it was causing it. It had not made any difference in my bp.  Except for clonindine, all of the previous bp meds tried had not worked to lower bp and had crippling side effects. One, I could not stand up straight; one wobbly knees, another spayed feet.  Inguinal hernia from the Lisinopril cough.  Had I contiued on those, I was destined for a wheelchair or walker. She said the symptoms were not from Losartan so I continued taking it.  Two weeks later I did not have the strength in hips and thighs to get up from sitting on the floor (Help, I can't get up😨).  I stopped AMA (not recommended).  Without the Losartan, a) bp did not change, after the 72 hour withdrawal from Losartanon, on clonidine only and b) symptoms started going away.  Improvement started in 72 hours.  After six weeks they were gone and I am getting better.  
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