The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Mtndog]

Another of Uncle ray's phinest.................

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender yells at Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

Jim says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim "He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Jim.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[jerseyangel]

Whenever I face the job issue and start looking......I am rendered anxiety- and grief-stricken. So now, I"m stepping away from this wretched job search and.....going to pray a bit.......and.........then work on projects around here. David has a head-hunter friend with whom I could meet but.....what in hell do I say to her? "what kind of job are you looking for?" will be her first question..........I HAVE NO IDEA and I HAVE NO SKILLS will be my answer.....that should work well.

Then I'd say to just put it out of your mind for the time being and focus on other, more positive things. Things tend to happen in their own time

Although hubby is well now - he could not ever cope with a full time job again.....all the diagnosis' came too late..too much damage done..so we rely on disability

Gosh Nikki--it's so sad that T wasn't able to be diagnosed earlier...I often wonder how things would have been different if I had. And work??--your 3 boys are plenty of work for you, I'm quite sure

Gah! Mini Kissey - - well - - he hurt his hand this morning at school, they suspected it were broken ('twere not, in fact - just a sprain). So - David went and got him - they planned on stopping by after all the medical heinosities were over - - but it went too long and the boy wanted to just go home......so some other time. The Wee Kissey adn I have talked on teh phone a couple of times - he's a hoot. I'm not askeert.

It sounds like you two are going to get along fine

Patti, I know you'll make the right decision regarding the job. Just take it all one day at a time.....and breathe They would be SO lucky to have you and I guarantee their patients would think they hit the jackpot having someone as caring like you working there.

I love Bradford Pear Trees!!!! You'll have to post pictures!

Thanks, Laura!

I'm trying to catch up a little, but my mind is here and there... I am feeling better than last week though, that's for sure.

Thanks for all of the great tree info, Sarah. This is really good news about you feeling better

I have my own little Operation going, Operation Target Expanded Bottom, I just purchased a treadmill that was delivered yesterday......it's just sitting there staring at me.....

[blueeyedmanda]

Update on the bunnies, spoke with several people who believe that an animal could not have done that to the bunnies, surely a human act......sick individual...

[jerseyangel]

Update on the bunnies, spoke with several people who believe that an animal could not have done that to the bunnies, surely a human act......sick individual...

That's truly horrible...

[elye]

I had a dream about you snuggling up to a cute blond curly haired boy. When I went to talk to him he was filling out his college application. So I'd like an explanation from you young lady - Just WHAT were you doing with that 18 year old boy!!!????!!??

WOW.....

Jess, could you please have a dream like that about me?

I'm jealous, I want a garden. And according to Emily this is the day to be gardening, tis Earth Day. I must go out and be one with the earth somehow.....

Yes, I have been feeling that I must go outside and Be One with the Earth, something of a challenge as I am not a big gardener. So I went out, stood before my huge, majestic, dying chestnut tree, put my arms as far around its massive trunk as I could, and hugged it. Like, for five minutes. Willing it to be strong.....

Very Earthy of me!

And I shall do this again, maybe every day that it is in my life. I cannot wait to do it when my kids are home from school this afternoon - - BIG-TIME eye-rolling, head-shaking, and perhaps this kind of face:

Tom did you edit the Operation new plan thing? I can't find it....I was thining about what to name the Operation

Hmmmmmm.....How about Operation STOP: Smell Terrific Off Puffing? ....

I have my own little Operation going, Operation Target Expanded Bottom, I just purchased a treadmill that was delivered yesterday......it's just sitting there staring at me.....

Julie! You must block its view of you - - throw some clothes on it, like everybody else does.

[jerseyangel]

So I went out, stood before my huge, majestic, dying chestnut tree, put my arms as far around its massive trunk as I could, and hugged it. Like, for five minutes. Willing it to be strong.....

A girl and her tree--it's a beautiful thing!

[nikki-uk]

Emily, he went up the pole out in front!

Wow! - would have been more interesting for you Peter had the technician been a girl ....I must say 'our' cable guys don't do anything so cavalier as climb poles as all our cables are underground

Alright DINGOGIRL.

I had a dream about you snuggling up to a cute blond curly haired boy. When I went to talk to him he was filling out his college application. So I'd like an explanation from you young lady - Just WHAT were you doing with that 18 year old boy!!!????!!??

OMGAAAAAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have my own little Operation going, Operation Target Expanded Bottom, I just purchased a treadmill that was delivered yesterday......it's just sitting there staring at me.....

Mine's Operation REDUCE the thighs a Russian shot putter would be proud of

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ray strikes again!!!!

[jerseyangel]

Mine's Operation REDUCE the thighs a Russian shot putter would be proud of

Oh yes, I can relate to that

[tom]

Sarah, glad you're feeling better. Next is "better & better".

"I somehow hope you're not just here to buy dog food."

"No, I'm delivering from Pizza Pizza. What did you order?"

"Pepperoni and mushrooms."

oh dear..........looks like Tom's got his phunny back now that he's smoking again.......

Susie - cross Motivational Speaker at Smoking Cessation Clinic off the 'possible careers list'.

Damn women drivers

but I used to use an electric shaver in the car. No mirror req'd.

Amanda that's some horrendous bunny business.

Phunny...I was visually mistaken in exactly the same way. Kept thinking, "Jeez...no one is mentioning the spectacular rip in Kissey's shorts....He can't have known that it was there....Bigger question - - did Susie know?"

I was more leaning towards "Did Susie rip 'em or did it happen at a Hockey Game"

HOCKEY!!!! GOOOOOOO Sharks!!!!! 1st ever game7 hosted by Sharks!

Alright DINGOGIRL.

I had a dream about you . . .

Jess is our very own Alison DuBois seeing years into the future??

Does mini-Kissey have curly hair?

Tom did you edit the Operation new plan thing? I can't find it....I was thining about what to name the Operation

Hehehe I should've been thinking about that, but it doesn't need a name until Monday.

Let's get some Silly Suggestions, my Sillies!!!!!

So far I've got:

The brand-specific Operation KoolOut

Operation Dementholate

Operation StupidGit (Sir Walter Raleigh in a Beatles song)

Hmmmmm there'll be more .. ..

. . . I cannot wait to do it when my kids are home from school this afternoon - - BIG-TIME eye-rolling, head-shaking, and perhaps this kind of face:

Hmmmmmm.....How about Operation STOP: Smell Terrific Off Puffing? ....

Em knows I have a soft spot for the acronymical.

[Darn210]

I have my own little Operation going, Operation Target Expanded Bottom, I just purchased a treadmill that was delivered yesterday......it's just sitting there staring at me.....

You can use it to hang clothes on like Emily suggested. Also at Christmas time, it's very festive to string lights on it.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

GAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Update on the bunnies, spoke with several people who believe that an animal could not have done that to the bunnies, surely a human act......sick individual...

Since I didn't "see" the bunnies, hard to say . . . but yes animals can do horrible things to other animals. If they were as hidden as you said, it was probably an animal. If the majority of the "parts" were left behind, then it was most likely a domestic dog or cat because they are killing out of instinct and not for food. The wild animals (hawks, owls, coyotes, etc) will take the food although, they can leave quite a mess behind. We had a similar incident here two years ago

[DingoGirl]

Alright DINGOGIRL.

I had a dream about you snuggling up to a cute blond curly haired boy. When I went to talk to him he was filling out his college application. So I'd like an explanation from you young lady - Just WHAT were you doing with that 18 year old boy!!!????!!??

Um, excuse me Jess, he WAS 18, right? I don't think I should have to explain myself you minx!!!!!!!!!!

I have one word Susie, LADYBUGS, lots and lots of ladybugs Often times it's when you step away and put it aside that opportunities tend to come to you, like ladybugs!

Julie - this almost made me burst into tears.......I am going to try and think that way. I am falling into a pit......I don't want this any more......I swear, I've been looking for a job for 30 years, with the exception of about three years in Carmel.......it's insanity - Sisyphean - to keep repeating the same act, w/ same outcome.......for decades.........hope that it'll be different...................

okay.......ladybugs.......going to work in the garden today also.

Kissey's final - - it was SOOOOOOOO funny. He has enormous test anxiety and didn't do so well the last time, though he knows the stuff. So - - we had three laptops - - he used one to reference the online text, I used one to write the exam, and then I had another one next to me - not sure what for what but that's the one I wrote to you guys with. It was a hoot - - we had 3.5 hours, finished in two and were hunkered down - - I almost called Stepford over to take our picture.

Two more months and he's done w/ school.............we can't wait. Some horrendous technical degree - - one of those things useful in hell.......

Update on the bunnies, spoke with several people who believe that an animal could not have done that to the bunnies, surely a human act......sick individual...

that is just so awful..........is it those devil kids?

Em - happy Anniversary to your parents........and love Gus's hopeful look in the photo.....

Hi everybody.........feelign distinct ennui and weariness here................. Got nowt else. But new photo of Weezee, since everyone thinks Kissey's shorts are torn.......but - - the yellow dog was just TOO cute sacked out on the table outside yesterday.......had to sneak and take her photo.......she's the cutest dog alive.....

[Green12]

Alright DINGOGIRL.

I had a dream about you snuggling up to a cute blond curly haired boy. When I went to talk to him he was filling out his college application. So I'd like an explanation from you young lady - Just WHAT were you doing with that 18 year old boy!!!????!!??

Oh no- it's flinging hoes!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully none were injured in the planting of the trees (especially Janet!!!)

I read this as Flinging Hos, quite a different meaning....girl fight?

Update on the bunnies, spoke with several people who believe that an animal could not have done that to the bunnies, surely a human act......sick individual...

It could have been an animal. I just moved from an area that had a lot of wild life, coyotes, fox, etc, and it was a common occurance to see squirrels and birds bodies without the heads. I actually learned that they go for the head first (sorry to be so gross but I guess it's the meatiest) then they might circle back for the rest.

Yes, I have been feeling that I must go outside and Be One with the Earth, something of a challenge as I am not a big gardener. So I went out, stood before my huge, majestic, dying chestnut tree, put my arms as far around its massive trunk as I could, and hugged it. Like, for five minutes. Willing it to be strong.....

Very Earthy of me!

And I shall do this again, maybe every day that it is in my life. I cannot wait to do it when my kids are home from school this afternoon - - BIG-TIME eye-rolling, head-shaking, and perhaps this kind of face:

Hmmmmmm.....How about Operation STOP: Smell Terrific Off Puffing? ....

Julie! You must block its view of you - - throw some clothes on it, like everybody else does.

Emily

Good idea, I will put that treadmill in its place......I supose I must start using sometime, since it's here and all.

Very earthy of you to spend some time with your tree, and a nice tradition to start. Something for the neighbors to talk about for sure, and lots of eye rolling from the kids, the tree hugging lady

Mine's Operation REDUCE the thighs a Russian shot putter would be proud of

Nikki

[Green12]

So far I've got:

The brand-specific Operation KoolOut

Operation Dementholate

Operation StupidGit (Sir Walter Raleigh in a Beatles song)

Hmmmmm there'll be more .. ..

Hmmm, off the top of my head:

Operation No Cigs

Operation S.O.S. --stopping of the smoking

....Operation Fortunate S.O.N.-- Smoke Out Now (and you'll be fortunate)?!?!?!

You can use it to hang clothes on like Emily suggested. Also at Christmas time, it's very festive to string lights on it.

Thanks for the tip Janet!

Julie - this almost made me burst into tears.......I am going to try and think that way. I am falling into a pit......I don't want this any more......I swear, I've been looking for a job for 30 years, with the exception of about three years in Carmel.......it's insanity - Sisyphean - to keep repeating the same act, w/ same outcome.......for decades.........hope that it'll be different...................

okay.......ladybugs.......going to work in the garden today also.

Kissey's final - - it was SOOOOOOOO funny. He has enormous test anxiety and didn't do so well the last time, though he knows the stuff. So - - we had three laptops - - he used one to reference the online text, I used one to write the exam, and then I had another one next to me - not sure what for what but that's the one I wrote to you guys with. It was a hoot - - we had 3.5 hours, finished in two and were hunkered down - - I almost called Stepford over to take our picture.

Two more months and he's done w/ school.............we can't wait. Some horrendous technical degree - - one of those things useful in hell.......

But new photo of Weezee, since everyone thinks Kissey's shorts are torn.......but - - the yellow dog was just TOO cute sacked out on the table outside yesterday.......had to sneak and take her photo.......she's the cutest dog alive.....

Oh Susie, didn't mean to make you burst into tears , twas going for inspiration. One of your and my favorite movies, Under the Tuscan Sun, came to mind when I read what you wrote yesterday.

I truly believe ALL will fall into place, you have gotten yourself in line and have done much healing since diagnosis and gluten-free, you now have a wonderful relationship, work WILL follow.

So glad Kissey made it through his final, that must have been a sight to see

btw, LOVED the pic of he and Annie...she is so in love She looks so sweet in this one too!

[blueeyedmanda]

Since I didn't "see" the bunnies, hard to say . . . but yes animals can do horrible things to other animals. If they were as hidden as you said, it was probably an animal. If the majority of the "parts" were left behind, then it was most likely a domestic dog or cat because they are killing out of instinct and not for food. The wild animals (hawks, owls, coyotes, etc) will take the food although, they can leave quite a mess behind. We had a similar incident here two years ago

Well we live in a very residential area, only bunnies and occasional groundhogs around, rare to see a stray cat. The bodies were there, the heads were gone.

The Devil kids have moved over a month ago, and from Feb till the move out I believe they were in jail....

But my neighbor, Landens mom heard what she believes to be gun shots around 11 last night...she was so scared she didnt take her dogs out to potty the rest of the night...

[elye]

.....but - - the yellow dog was just TOO cute sacked out on the table outside yesterday.......had to sneak and take her photo.......she's the cutest dog alive.....

She is. Well....I think Gus is.....hmmmm, that's a toughie......

It could have been an animal. I just moved from an area that had a lot of wild life, coyotes, fox, etc, and it was a common occurance to see squirrels and birds bodies without the heads. I actually learned that they go for the head first (sorry to be so gross but I guess it's the meatiest) then they might circle back for the rest.

...Could be the taxidermist company that provides those lodges and hunters' cabins with the big stuffed bison and caribou heads....perhaps they're seeing a market for little heads, for the bachelor apartment-dwelling, redneck sportsman....

Very earthy of you to spend some time with your tree, and a nice tradition to start. Something for the neighbors to talk about for sure, and lots of eye rolling from the kids, the tree hugging lady

NeighboUrs....yes, there is certain to be eye-rolling there, as well....

I truly believe ALL will fall into place, you have gotten yourself in line and have done much healing since diagnosis and gluten-free, you now have a wonderful relationship, work WILL follow.

Julie speaks wise words, Susie! Think about how great your life has become, in stages...the next one will come...like a ladybug.

[Darn210]

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A beloved cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge

heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart

forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When

all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my

own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

[tom]

It was a hoot - - we had 3.5 hours, finished in two and were hunkered down - -

Some pretty impressive girlfriending there

Hmmm, off the top of my head:

Operation No Cigs

Operation S.O.S. --stopping of the smoking

....Operation Fortunate S.O.N.-- Smoke Out Now (and you'll be fortunate)?!?!?!

We HAVE some contenders!!!

....perhaps they're seeing a market for little heads, for the bachelor apartment-dwelling, redneck sportsman....

How prescient!! I was just checking my bid on the baby vole!!

While at SJ's Earth Day event. Not much to it. The Tour de California thing had 3x the space & ppl.

And Celtic music struggles to maintain my interest past ~8 minutes. (See av)

[elye]

At lunch today, everyone toasted my parents and were chanting for a speech. So, never a man to pass up an opportunity to address a crowd, my dad struggled to his feet and told the story of the most memorable anniversary gift he bought for my mom.

Apparently, he forgot their 25th, greatly angering my mom. So the next year my mom warned him the night before, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds... and IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Dad got up early and went to work. When Mom woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Mom put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it, and found inside a brand-new bathroom scale.

Gawd......

They loved it.......

[jerseyangel]

At lunch today, everyone toasted my parents and were chanting for a speech. So, never a man to pass up an opportunity to address a crowd, my dad struggled to his feet and told the story of the most memorable anniversary gift he bought for my mom.

Apparently, he forgot their 25th, greatly angering my mom. So the next year my mom warned him the night before, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds... and IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Dad got up early and went to work. When Mom woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Mom put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it, and found inside a brand-new bathroom scale.

Gawd......

They loved it.......

OMG--I absolutely loved that!!

[Mtndog]

Yes, I have been feeling that I must go outside and Be One with the Earth, something of a challenge as I am not a big gardener. So I went out, stood before my huge, majestic, dying chestnut tree, put my arms as far around its massive trunk as I could, and hugged it. Like, for five minutes. Willing it to be strong.....

Very Earthy of me!

And I shall do this again, maybe every day that it is in my life. I cannot wait to do it when my kids are home from school this afternoon - - BIG-TIME eye-rolling, head-shaking, and perhaps this kind of face:

:lol: If they fund you nekkid tree-hugging they'd REALLY shake their heads!!!!

You can use it to hang clothes on like Emily suggested. Also at Christmas time, it's very festive to string lights on it.

Yeah- I hang plants off my exercise equipment in the spring and summer.

The Cardiologist's Funeral

The proctologist fainted.

:lol:

At lunch today, everyone toasted my parents and were chanting for a speech. So, never a man to pass up an opportunity to address a crowd, my dad struggled to his feet and told the story of the most memorable anniversary gift he bought for my mom.

Apparently, he forgot their 25th, greatly angering my mom. So the next year my mom warned him the night before, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds... and IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Dad got up early and went to work. When Mom woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Mom put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it, and found inside a brand-new bathroom scale.

Gawd......

They loved it.......

What a great story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jerseyangel]

Hi all,

I don't think I'm gonna take the job What a loser

Then, to make this day complete, I get a call from my regular doctor's office this afternoon to tell me my liver enzymes are elevated and they want to re-do the blood test tomorrow morning.

Gawd.

[elye]

I don't think I'm gonna take the job What a loser

Patti, a loser you're not! It must be the right decision...We come around to things for a reason.

Then, to make this day complete, I get a call from my regular doctor's office this afternoon to tell me my liver enzymes are elevated and they want to re-do the blood test tomorrow morning.

Well, this will be okay, too, Patti...get the re-test tomorrow, and on you go....

[blueeyedmanda]

Hi all,

I don't think I'm gonna take the job What a loser

Then, to make this day complete, I get a call from my regular doctor's office this afternoon to tell me my liver enzymes are elevated and they want to re-do the blood test tomorrow morning.

Gawd.

Patti-they could be elevated due to the sample being hemolyzed. The specimen being a little off can send the tests out of whack...

Hi all....I have been around as much lately...trying to stay off at work since they have been monitoring and such. Plus the work has been piling up as well.

We are heading to Rochester this summer to see Stone Temple Pilots in concert!!!! Sounds like fun!

[Green12]

But my neighbor, Landens mom heard what she believes to be gun shots around 11 last night...she was so scared she didnt take her dogs out to potty the rest of the night...

scary....

...Could be the taxidermist company that provides those lodges and hunters' cabins with the big stuffed bison and caribou heads....perhaps they're seeing a market for little heads, for the bachelor apartment-dwelling, redneck sportsman....

The Cardiologist's Funeral

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my

own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

She opened it, and found inside a brand-new bathroom scale.

Your dad is brilliant!!!!

:lol: If they fund you nekkid tree-hugging they'd REALLY shake their heads!!!!

A nekkid tree hugging lady, but something is missing.......must pound pots and pans over head whilst turning clockwise one quarter turn facing each direction.

That will really give them something to talk about.

Hi all,

I don't think I'm gonna take the job What a loser

Then, to make this day complete, I get a call from my regular doctor's office this afternoon to tell me my liver enzymes are elevated and they want to re-do the blood test tomorrow morning.

Patti, no worries about the job. When you are ready something else will come along. Just think though this got you thinking about the possibilities, that's a good first step.

About the liver enzymes Mine have been very elevated too, I've been taking some homeopathic remedies to treat. i have to have them rechecked soon. If you want to discuss it you can email me anytime

[Darn210]

I don't think I'm gonna take the job What a loser

Naaaahhhhhh . . .

Patti, no worries about the job. When you are ready something else will come along. Just think though this got you thinking about the possibilities, that's a good first step.

Yeah . . . what she said.

and

Good Luck with your retest tomorrow . . . study hard tonight!!