Can The Pressure End A Marriage?/

[glutenfreegirl]

Hi there you have all been so help full thank heavens I have you all

Have any of you experienced marrigae trouble through this??

here I was happily going through this situation withmyslef and my kids my husband was never really that involved but always financially support the testing and suppliments unitl we finally figured out what was really going on...then he said ok I am in on this too I will eat they way you all do and blah blah blah and I truley felt that he was supportive in all of this then today my DD came of a store with a choc in her hand and I said where did you get that from and she said dad bought it for me so when I asked him about it he freaked out and said I bought it for her but said she had to ask you first etc etc....then procedded to freak on me remeber this is all coming from know where...anyway proceeds to yell at me that he does not know what they can eat whatis allowed in the house ..that I change my mind every day (well yah for the past 2 years when we did not know what was going on I was searching and searching for any answers to feel better so forgive me for trying everything and anything)

Well I got really upset and still am very hurt at all of this I am not sure if we can get past this he has not picked up a book read anything I have given him just complains that he has too much on his plate with work blah blah blah ..I get all that but for goodnes sake it is our health get over yourself!!!

Am I being to harsh? I guess I am sick of that lack of interest in this issue and the ignorance around it with people and that if the test don't always come back positive then it must be in our heads are people really this ignorant to their health I am really just seeing people for what they really are....my goodness how sad...

has anyone experienced this with family I mean you expected it from strangers, friends and maybe even extended family but not from your spouse...

how do you all deal??

thanks for hearing this out all I know is i need to do whatever is best for my children....

Hugs to all

[YoloGx]

Unfortunately self absorption around food issues is all too abundant in this country. Some people are really supportive whereas for many they just don't get it and don't want to get it. Hopefully your husband will finally see the necessity of paying more attention to what is going on . It is a major change and inconvenience to the "normal" way of doing things however the payoff in your health and that of your children is astronomical. If he doesn't get it -- well only you know what is best. However if it were me that would be the end unfortunately. Maybe then he'd still come around if he knows there are consequences. It depends on the nature of the relationship and how selfish or compassionate he is if it will or not. There really is no excuse; one's partner needs to develop more heart. If this is insurmountable then it says volumes about other potential issues when the going gets tough...I have had to deal with this with a now ex boyfriend. My heart goes out to you given this is your husband. I pray he will come around when he realizes the seriousness of the issue and that you won't budge on this one since this is your health and that of your children we are talking about which is needed to be able to live a happy productive life. Perhaps counseling would help? Though Of course you need to find an enlightened counselor concerning this issue.

Bea

[Beth in NC]

Hi there you have all been so help full thank heavens I have you all

Have any of you experienced marrigae trouble through this??

here I was happily going through this situation withmyslef and my kids my husband was never really that involved but always financially support the testing and suppliments unitl we finally figured out what was really going on...then he said ok I am in on this too I will eat they way you all do and blah blah blah and I truley felt that he was supportive in all of this then today my DD came of a store with a choc in her hand and I said where did you get that from and she said dad bought it for me so when I asked him about it he freaked out and said I bought it for her but said she had to ask you first etc etc....then procedded to freak on me remeber this is all coming from know where...anyway proceeds to yell at me that he does not know what they can eat whatis allowed in the house ..that I change my mind every day (well yah for the past 2 years when we did not know what was going on I was searching and searching for any answers to feel better so forgive me for trying everything and anything)

Well I got really upset and still am very hurt at all of this I am not sure if we can get past this he has not picked up a book read anything I have given him just complains that he has too much on his plate with work blah blah blah ..I get all that but for goodnes sake it is our health get over yourself!!!

Am I being to harsh? I guess I am sick of that lack of interest in this issue and the ignorance around it with people and that if the test don't always come back positive then it must be in our heads are people really this ignorant to their health I am really just seeing people for what they really are....my goodness how sad...

has anyone experienced this with family I mean you expected it from strangers, friends and maybe even extended family but not from your spouse...

how do you all deal??

thanks for hearing this out all I know is i need to do whatever is best for my children....

Hugs to all

Sounds like a rough day all the way around, but I from what you posted, I see some POSITIVE things in there!

You said he has been supportive up until now...can I encourage you to go by what he is characterized by? If he is generally supportive, then be thankful for that. My husband isn't picking up books to read about this either. He is following my lead about what I can and cannot eat. If I want him to know more, I'll tell him more. He works full time and takes online classes as well. Perhaps your husband is overwhelmed with how full his plate is and the fact that he can't fix this for his family. Men like to be able to protect their family from things that harm then and he may feel totally out of control on this one.

Didn't he say that he told your daughter to ask you before she ate the chocolate? I think that's great! Maybe you can talk to him and purchase him a stash of safe goodies that he can keep to give to the kids when he wants to give them a treat. The kids don't need to know mom bought them. Give him ways to be a part of things, have some control.

He relayed to you that he doesn't know what is allowed and what isn't. He was honest, although freaking out about it. So what can you do to help him know what is allowed. Can you go food shopping together? You really just need to sit down with him and talk this out. Ask him his frustrations and see what they really are and you two work to find out a solution. It isn't about just "read this book and get with the picture." He is going to need your help because you have a better understanding. And let him know that this is all so new for YOU right now that you are freaking out too and sometimes just need him to listen to you.

There is no way under the sun I would let a diet wreck my marriage. But you are both going to need to talk this out...figure out the real issues and find solutions. You CAN do it!!!

[gfp]

I have found little correlation with who were good friends and not over who 'get's it' and not.

then today my DD came of a store with a choc in her hand and I said where did you get that from and she said dad bought it for me so when I asked him about it he freaked out and said I bought it for her but said she had to ask you first etc etc....then procedded to freak on me remeber this is all coming from know where...anyway proceeds to yell at me that he does not know what they can eat whatis allowed in the house .

We ALL have bad days!

Yes he's worried but he's a guy (like me)....

We guy's get all worked up when we feel we can't fix something in those we love.

You have been confused (we all start out confused) and passed it on to him. He probably thought (and quotes are here)

"Wow my wife has this figured out... I have so much on my plate supporting the family... I'll leave it to her" ....

Is this fair ??? Who cares.... its probably what he though then from his perspective you changed your mind....

My recommendation ....

Get your facts straight.... print out info you need. Get your or his parent to look after the kids for a weekend and take a break together.

Take the opportunity to get away from it but make sure he knows you will be talking about the gluten thing....

Don't make it all work and no play....

since he's freaking over finances... well make it something cheap ... but that doesn't mean not fun and not romantic.

[ShayFL]

Ive had similar situations with my husband, just not about the gluten.

My DH has a Harley. And he is a very responsible guy. But he also likes beer and wine and gets them when we eat out. But I always drive home. When he got the bike, I made him promise he would NEVER drink and ride that bike. He promised. Well one night we met up for dinner, I in the car and he on his bike. As soon as we sat down, he ordered 2 for 1 glass of wine. And I just stared at him in shock. He said "what?" and I said....arent you on your bike? And he said...yeah..so....I am a grown man and I want some wine with my dinner.

Well!! My DD was sitting right there and I blew a major gasket mainly because of the example he was showing her. After all this time me telling her what a responsible guy he is and he would never drink and drive. And she always saw me drive us home. I was furious!!

It just got worse.....the fighting over it.

FINALLY we had to get a therapist ad our marriage was taking a nosedive over it (note: I come from an alcoholic father). 6 weeks and it was finally resolved.

But it took that......

I feel for you.

[hippiegirl2001]

Hi there you have all been so help full thank heavens I have you all

Have any of you experienced marrigae trouble through this??

here I was happily going through this situation withmyslef and my kids my husband was never really that involved but always financially support the testing and suppliments unitl we finally figured out what was really going on...then he said ok I am in on this too I will eat they way you all do and blah blah blah and I truley felt that he was supportive in all of this then today my DD came of a store with a choc in her hand and I said where did you get that from and she said dad bought it for me so when I asked him about it he freaked out and said I bought it for her but said she had to ask you first etc etc....then procedded to freak on me remeber this is all coming from know where...anyway proceeds to yell at me that he does not know what they can eat whatis allowed in the house ..that I change my mind every day (well yah for the past 2 years when we did not know what was going on I was searching and searching for any answers to feel better so forgive me for trying everything and anything)

Well I got really upset and still am very hurt at all of this I am not sure if we can get past this he has not picked up a book read anything I have given him just complains that he has too much on his plate with work blah blah blah ..I get all that but for goodnes sake it is our health get over yourself!!!

Am I being to harsh? I guess I am sick of that lack of interest in this issue and the ignorance around it with people and that if the test don't always come back positive then it must be in our heads are people really this ignorant to their health I am really just seeing people for what they really are....my goodness how sad...

has anyone experienced this with family I mean you expected it from strangers, friends and maybe even extended family but not from your spouse...

how do you all deal??

thanks for hearing this out all I know is i need to do whatever is best for my children....

Hugs to all

Hello! Sorry to hear that you are having problems.

My husband is usually pretty supportive. When we go out to eat he usually orders gluten-free, then we can share. BUT at home the problem is this high fiber wheat bread he eats, the only non-gluten-free food in the house. He tried to get along without it, but his health issue is acid reflux. He seems to need this bread to soak up the acid when he drinks coffee. Problem is the bread has these crumbs on it, which he kind of shakes off his fingers onto the plate and I worry about him spreading those crumbs around. Last night I saw him, probably subconsciously, shake the crumbs off his fingers onto the floor. I need to talk with him about washing his hands after eating gluten, maybe having a wet napkin to wipe fingers on as he is eating. I mentioned to him a few days ago that I read on these boards that in some households gluten containing food is only eaten outside. He said "You want me to eat outside like a dog!" I replied, "No, this isn't about you, this is about the food. It would be like asking someone to smoke outside."

Any health concern is a challenge in a family. I need to thank my husband for what he does do, what he gives up. I am going to try to come up with alternatives, low acid coffee, lot of food with fiber like beans, etc.. to hopefully eliminate that darn bread that I convinced him to try when we were dating and I didn't have this heath issue.

Good Luck to you. I'm sure we are all sending Good Wishes your way!

[babinsky]

I am the only diagnosed Celiac in the family..although my boys and husband seem to do much better with gluten OUT of their diet. They have all been very supportive.....before I was diagnosed I was so sick my body and organs were shutting down...so just to still have me around is enough for them to do whatever it takes. We have several restaurants that we go to where they are used to me and the rest of the family eats whatever they want...I am lucky because I have never had any cross contamination issues with these places. My house if pretty much gluten free and everything I cook is gluten free but they still have their own breads, crackers, chips etc........but they have a different areas that they use. We have a buffet type thing that they use for anything that can get me sick....I NEVER do anything in that area...I do not even clean it...they do. Anything with gluten goes into a seperate toaster and microwave and they have to do it for themselves. I may not be as sensitive as some but this has been a good compromise for us as I have been able to stay healthy and they do not feel deprived. I hope this is just a minor bump in the road for you....this can be a hard thing for people who do not suffer as we do to understand. I wish you the best, but you need to keep everybody safe and healthy.

[glutenfreegirl]

Sounds like a rough day all the way around, but I from what you posted, I see some POSITIVE things in there!

You said he has been supportive up until now...can I encourage you to go by what he is characterized by? If he is generally supportive, then be thankful for that. My husband isn't picking up books to read about this either. He is following my lead about what I can and cannot eat. If I want him to know more, I'll tell him more. He works full time and takes online classes as well. Perhaps your husband is overwhelmed with how full his plate is and the fact that he can't fix this for his family. Men like to be able to protect their family from things that harm then and he may feel totally out of control on this one.

Didn't he say that he told your daughter to ask you before she ate the chocolate? I think that's great! Maybe you can talk to him and purchase him a stash of safe goodies that he can keep to give to the kids when he wants to give them a treat. The kids don't need to know mom bought them. Give him ways to be a part of things, have some control.

He relayed to you that he doesn't know what is allowed and what isn't. He was honest, although freaking out about it. So what can you do to help him know what is allowed. Can you go food shopping together? You really just need to sit down with him and talk this out. Ask him his frustrations and see what they really are and you two work to find out a solution. It isn't about just "read this book and get with the picture." He is going to need your help because you have a better understanding. And let him know that this is all so new for YOU right now that you are freaking out too and sometimes just need him to listen to you.

There is no way under the sun I would let a diet wreck my marriage. But you are both going to need to talk this out...figure out the real issues and find solutions. You CAN do it!!!

Thank yuo but Beth thank you for such an upbeat look at it I never looked at it that way before I guess when you are in the middle of it ...as you probably know to it is a long long ordeal before you even really know what is wrong and then when you find out i geuss it is almost a relief and theother person think oh good now we can move on with life but it is not that simple there is a whole new wonderful life to learn out there and I am looking at it so fun and adventurous and I feel like he is looking at it frustrated so you might be right with what you said cause yes he has been very supportive and he did call when he was on the way to work later today to say that he is just so overwhelmed and tired and hating his job(he is currently looking to switch carees) so this on top of it may just have tossed him over but sometimes it feels like we as the wife/mother are always dealing with everything and sometimes we too are tired...

[Beth in NC]

Thank yuo but Beth thank you for such an upbeat look at it I never looked at it that way before I guess when you are in the middle of it ...as you probably know to it is a long long ordeal before you even really know what is wrong and then when you find out i geuss it is almost a relief and theother person think oh good now we can move on with life but it is not that simple there is a whole new wonderful life to learn out there and I am looking at it so fun and adventurous and I feel like he is looking at it frustrated so you might be right with what you said cause yes he has been very supportive and he did call when he was on the way to work later today to say that he is just so overwhelmed and tired and hating his job(he is currently looking to switch carees) so this on top of it may just have tossed him over but sometimes it feels like we as the wife/mother are always dealing with everything and sometimes we too are tired...

I understand. I still feel like cr@p with the Celiac but last week my husband had an injured wrist, knee and hips and he was in a lot of pain. I was having to help the dude out of bed! I had a momentary pity party saying, "boy, it doesn't matter if mama's sick...she still has to take care of everybody else!"

I had to get over it though...

[glutenfreegirl]

You have all made really great points and advice and have touched on soo much Shayfl thanks for sharing....it means a lot.

And I do not ask him to eat what I eat just not to have it in the house which he is good with and has actually decided to give up gluten himself thatis why I was so surprised today when this all came I was shocked....maybe you are all right it is just taking its toll right now and like the wonderful man opinion we need alittle date to chat things out and I also picked up some treats for him to have for the kids as he does love to surprise them so i am sorry i forgot whos great idea that was I took it too....

thank you all sooo much for the suport and advice it means more than yuo will ever know as aside from some friends and my hubby and kids I have no family support in this at all they all think i am just weird and searching for attention yeh and I would pick celiac to do that...please!!!

[ShayFL]

I think Beth gave some great advice.

Sometimes our frustrations come out in unintended ways.

[dadoffiveboys]

He tried to get along without it, but his health issue is acid reflux. He seems to need this bread to soak up the acid when he drinks coffee.

Are you sure he doesn't have a very severe food allergy too? I know in ALL of my boys (four so far) the FIRST sign of the gluten allergy was ACID REFLUX. And.. they ate lots of bread to 'soak' it up and got more acid reflux.. Originally they all got acid medications but now we don't need that junk because Gluten-free Casein-free we don't have that problem anymore.

My father had 23 years of acid reflux and gas - never connected it to gluten allergy - until his kidneys started to fail and until I was tested and showed positive anti-gliadin in my blood and convinced him to go gluten-free. His reflux (of 23 YEARS) DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY - and his kidney damage (some of it) started reversing.

(I just HAD to mention it because - well maybe there are TWO celiacs in your house??? )

[dilettantesteph]

It has definitely been hard on my marriage. My son (11) was diagnosed and that is what

made me realize that I had the same thing. In trying to not get sick I had already gone

through a series of changes in diet and at first this probably seemed like another. You

would think my husband would have taken things more seriously with my son and his

doctor also involved.

My husband was responsible for all sorts of CC initially.

Then there is the mood swings that happen at first. Also how much do you want sex when

your stomach is hurting and you might have to run to the bathroom.

Anyways at 8 months in now, things are getting better. Hang in there.

[aorona]

It is really hard for everyone in the family at first because it is all so new and unheard of. When me and my children were first diagnosed with celiac, I read a lot on the internet and then would tell the most important things to my husband. I gave him a list of forbidden ingredients and highlighted the ones that were very common in foods, like maltodextrin; modified food starch; the different names for wheat; malt (unless the source is written in parentheses next to it); anything fried; oats; barley; rye; and some other things that I can't think of right now. I also gave him a basic list of foods that are safe to eat. Fruits; vegetables; rice; corn; plain meat; milk; cheese, etc. This really helped him understand what the kids could and could not eat, and he wasn't constantly asking me (or calling) about everything. I explained cross contamination to him and asked him if he wanted his own condiments (mayo, butter), so that he wouldn't have to worry about cross contaminating the gluten-free ones. About 4 days into the diet and after being even sicker that I already was, I threw almost everything not gluten-free out of the house. I labeled the forbidden things I kept as "gluten" so everyone in the house would know. It took me an entire day to go thru eveything in the entire house. I probably threw out more than I should have, but it really helped. I gave my husband his own side of the counter with his own toaster (different color so he wouldn't get mixed up) and everyone in the house knows to make the gluten sandwich there. Your marriage isn't going to end because you have one little fight. It sounds like your husband has been dealing with a lot lately and it is overwhelming to have to learn a new way of life. Just take it slow and things will come back together. It sounds like he is very willing to learn, he probably just doesn't want to read novels upon novels about celiac disease after work. I found that casual conversations with my husband helped him to understand the disease better. 4 years later, he knows what to feed my kids; he even makes sure at family gatherings that things are not cross contaminated so we always have something to eat. Now things are automatic. My 7 year old knows what he can and can't eat and my 4 year old knows the basics of the gluten free diet. Just hang in there, before you know it things will be automatic too, and you won't even think about beginning the diet.