What Should I Have Said Differently?

[Hummingbird4]

Went to my mother-in-law's house last night for dinner. She had made chicken and vegetable soup, purposely leaving out any noodles so that I could eat it. I asked her what the broth was made from, and she said it was a canned broth, but she couldn't remember the brand, nor did she have the can or another can like it so that I could read the ingredients. I told her that many brands of broth have gluten in them, so I probably should not eat the soup, just in case.

Well, she was offended. I could tell. She made a few thinly veiled (snide) comments here and there, so I knew she wasn't pleased about it. This afternoon I received an email from her, saying:

"Hi---these are the ingredients in my chicken stock(base)--'

chicken meat and natural juices

maltodextrin(organic)

salt

cane sugar

natural flavor

potato starch

dried onion

dried garlic

tuurmeric"

That's it, no salutation or anything. I have not replied yet.

I get so tired of tiptoeing around people that get offended about what I can and cannot eat. This is the same woman who called me "fussy" last summer when I inquired about what was in the food. Honestly, it makes me never want to go over there again, and I hate to be like that, but it's so frustrating. I've been married to her son for nearly 25 years, and she and I have gotten along well so far. She lost her husband a year ago, so I'm sensitive to her emotions, but geez.

Suggestions?

[psawyer]

"Hi---these are the ingredients in my chicken stock(base)--'

chicken meat and natural juices

maltodextrin(organic)

salt

cane sugar

natural flavor

potato starch

dried onion

dried garlic

turmeric"

While it is rare, the natural flavor could hide gluten (but not wheat). The most common offender in flavor is barley malt, which is a sweetener--I don't imagine that broth would be sweetened. The other ingredients are definitely gluten-free.

But geez, Louise, I don't know how to respond to her. This is obviously a tense situation, and what is needed is a way to deescalate it.

*If* it had been me and *if* I had known the ingredients listed above, *I* would have eaten the soup.

But, the ingredient information was not available when you had to make your decision.

She tried to accommodate you, but did not meet your expectations.

Try to meet her somewhere close to the middle.

[mushroom]

It's always tricky when trying to maintain civil family relationships. Maybe you could give her some gluten-free items for her pantry--like chicken stock, flour, baking powder, gravy mix, etc., that she could use when preparing foods for you. That way neither of you would have to worry so much and no offense would be caused. I am assuming here (since she left out the noodles) that she is trying to be careful of your needs. You could give her a list of no-nos from the foods that she normally prepares so she would know when to be on guard. Just a thought. You could also suggest she asks for comments from you before she prepares something for you so she wouldn't have to guess. This might be impractical, just a suggestion.

[quietmorning01]

oops. Newbie here didn't post this correctly, my apologies!!

[quietmorning01]

Hummingbird, I'm sorry both of you are in such an awkward situation. I think it's going to be difficult for you both for a bit - not because you are being 'fussy' or because she doesn't care, but because the boundaries aren't clear for her and your needs are serious. If her understanding is anything like mine, being newly diagnosed, she has to be frustrated right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do to diffuse a situation like this is seek to understand where she's coming from, at least it will give her room to voice her frustrations. She's entitled to them, just as you are entitled to yours. Also, understanding the culture and definition of how she views disease, pain, medical conditions is important. My generation (which sounds to be your generation) learned a lot more about voicing need than her generation did. Her generation was more a 'suck it up and deal' generation. This will help to lower your expectation of her behavior and give you some room to distance yourself and not take it as personally.

After you give her room to vent, feed it back to her. "I understand you feel so and so - I still need to take care of my health issues. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of my husband (her son), my children (your grandchildren) etc. This allows the venter validation to their concerns without you giving up your boundaries.

She IS trying to help, and she IS trying to go the extra mile . . . the broth was an issue, and understandibly so, but thank her for going that extra mile. Encourage her that both of you WILL get there, reaffirm that the disease is a difficult one to deal with, and you understand her frustration, you are frustrated too. Reaffirm that SHE is more important than the broth - and that you don't want this to get between you. If you have any suggestions of what YOU can do to prevent this from happening again, make them. Drama here would not be out of place, you don't want to die of cancer. Sometimes with stuff like this, people look for perfection and expect perfection from themselves - I have the feeling that this was part of her issue. She failed you. Let her know that it's progress - and you both are learning. Tell her how you fail yourself in it every once in a while. Let her know what to look for on the cans of broth in the future, and tell her you would love to go shopping with her the next time she wants to make dinner, because you love her cooking and miss it.

What you don't want is a power struggle to build out of this. If it becomes a power stuggle the only alternative you will have is to drop the rope and move on. . . working it out is the far better option.

I hope this helps. I worked in inter and intra personal communications for years - if you have any other questions, I'll be glad to add some insight.

[Hummingbird4]

Thanks for your replies! I forgot to mention, my FIL had multiple health issues, and he was mostly gluten-free for a couple of years, so my MIL understands how to cook and bake gluten-free. However, he did not have Celiac and did not have to be (and was not) careful about tiny amounts of gluten. They thought nothing of cross-contamination - it simply wasn't an issue as far as my MIL was concerned. So that's how she views my needs: if it doesn't contain wheat, barley or rye, it should be good to go. Doesn't matter if it was prepared in the same pan as a gluten-containing food, doesn't matter if bread crumbs get on it, doesn't need a separate utensil, etc.

You're all right - I do need to deescalate and not let this turn into a power struggle. I'm a very non-confrontational person by nature, and it makes me anxious, tense and sad to have these issues.

[MollyBeth]

Thanks for your replies! I forgot to mention, my FIL had multiple health issues, and he was mostly gluten-free for a couple of years, so my MIL understands how to cook and bake gluten-free. However, he did not have Celiac and did not have to be (and was not) careful about tiny amounts of gluten. They thought nothing of cross-contamination - it simply wasn't an issue as far as my MIL was concerned. So that's how she views my needs: if it doesn't contain wheat, barley or rye, it should be good to go. Doesn't matter if it was prepared in the same pan as a gluten-containing food, doesn't matter if bread crumbs get on it, doesn't need a separate utensil, etc.

You're all right - I do need to deescalate and not let this turn into a power struggle. I'm a very non-confrontational person by nature, and it makes me anxious, tense and sad to have these issues.

Since she already seems to be somewhat familiar with the gluten free life perhaps she wouldn't be opposed to reading some literature on the harms of cross contamination. Maybe if you pop over there for a nice one on one with her you can try to explain. I think e-mails are tricky and I wouldn't respond to her e-mail with an e-mail. You never know how people are going to interpret what you have to say. I don't know how many times I've gotten into little arguments with my mother because she thought I was being rude or snippy in an e-mail!

[tarnalberry]

I'm not a fan of confrontation, but won't shy away if one is needed, and it sounds like someone needs to call her out (nicely) on her behavior.

I don't know if this is right or not, but based on how I read your post, I would have (privately, away from the other family members), said, at the time of the event, "I'm sorry you feel offended that I won't eat your food. My intention is not to offend you, but merely to not get ill and feel like crap for the next week. I'm not willing to take chances on that, *I* need to be completely certain that what I'm eating is safe for me. In the end, it's my decision, and, regardless of what you think, does not reflect on your cooking."

[jparsick84]

I don't know if this will help, but it works for my family:

I call them about 2 weeks in advance of the meal, to find out what they will be making, and what ingredients (EVERY single one) they will be using for the food. If there are any items (like chicken broth) that will be questionable, I offer to either bring those items with me if needed, or do the research to find which brands are ok, and then call back/email with the list of safe brands.

This is especially helplful with my grandmother who is set in her cooking ways - not only does the 2 weeks-in-advance call remind her that she will need to be extra careful the day she cooks, she also feels great about cooking an entire meal that I can eat. She does get annoyed sometimes when I double check everything once I'm there, but once I make sure everything is safe, my glowing compliments about how great all the food is cheers her right back up again.

Hope this helps!

[quietmorning01]

Thanks for your replies! I forgot to mention, my FIL had multiple health issues, and he was mostly gluten-free for a couple of years, so my MIL understands how to cook and bake gluten-free. However, he did not have Celiac and did not have to be (and was not) careful about tiny amounts of gluten. They thought nothing of cross-contamination - it simply wasn't an issue as far as my MIL was concerned. So that's how she views my needs: if it doesn't contain wheat, barley or rye, it should be good to go. Doesn't matter if it was prepared in the same pan as a gluten-containing food, doesn't matter if bread crumbs get on it, doesn't need a separate utensil, etc.

You're all right - I do need to deescalate and not let this turn into a power struggle. I'm a very non-confrontational person by nature, and it makes me anxious, tense and sad to have these issues.

Wow. . .I found in talking to people that using the word 'disease' instead of 'allergy' helps a lot.

Let us know how things go, eh?

[LuvMoosic4life]

Since she already seems to be somewhat familiar with the gluten free life perhaps she wouldn't be opposed to reading some literature on the harms of cross contamination. Maybe if you pop over there for a nice one on one with her you can try to explain. I think e-mails are tricky and I wouldn't respond to her e-mail with an e-mail. You never know how people are going to interpret what you have to say. I don't know how many times I've gotten into little arguments with my mother because she thought I was being rude or snippy in an e-mail!

I agree with this. E-mailing is a great source of frustration for me. I would call her or talk to her in person. The way she wrote the e-mail, there is no way of telling of she intended it to be. You could take it as eith "look, I told ya you could've ate it" or "here's the ingredients, just thought you'd like to know maybe for next time." god I hate e-mail...lol

Anyway, i wouldnt think to far into it. I often think about the little situations like this that i have been in and then later on think how rediculous it is -the emotions that can get worked up over something as small as food. (and I come from a Italain family that is revolved around food!)

If it were me I would just brush it off, move on, and think of things that could help make these situations easier in the future (the thoughts and ideas here were really good!)

[Welda Johnson]

Hi,

I've had Celiac since the age of 8 and am now 64 (though I didn't know for many years that it was Celiac causing my health problems), so I hope that what I share will help you. At first I used to rely on the kindness and compassion of others when having family gatherings, hoping that eventually "they" would get it right. It usually didn't work out that way. I would be frantically searching for something I could eat, asking questions of course, and would finally be looked at as "finicky" or a "picky eater." Often I would leave the gathering hungry, and often I would leave with my feelings hurt and feeling overly-sensitive as well.

Then I started taking my own food along! Aha! It didn't really matter what anyone else was ordering or eating--I was perfectly prepared. It didn't matter what anyone else thought. I was a capable, independent person, quite able to take care of myself. No matter what anyone else said or thought, I had all the food I could possibly need, and it was special food that I loved. Problem solved.

Today I gathered with some women from my high school class of 1962 for a reunion lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I decided to test out a new way--going without taking my own food. I ordered a green salad with chicken, cucumbers and tomatoes. Yes--that should work. Wrong! They delivered the salad inside a large fried flour tortilla. Can you imagine? I hadn't anticipated that. So, I picked at a couple of greens from the middle, then ate my own food (better anyway) after I got home.

So, maybe you can adapt some of this for your situation. It is amazing how relieved family members seem to be when you take care of yourself. Sure, they'd like to lavish food on you, but look at how hard it has been for US to decipher this diet, and it's OUR health. No one said it would be easy, but it does feel good when we get to the place where we know that we can survive. I hope that you and your mother-in-law can work this out peacefully. Maybe she would feel relieved to know that you, too, can take good care of yourself. I am wishing you the best. Please keep us informed about what happens. Always, Welda

[Juliebove]

I have had similar things happen. First, I would have probably asked if the salad came in a flour tortilla shell. This seems to be very common at Mexican restaurants. Or if the salad you had was not on the menu, I would have said, "I want a salad with thus and such and only those things!' Now this doesn't always work either. My mom is on a special diet where she can only have chicken and greens. She ordered such a salad at a Mexican restaurant. The asked her stuff like, "No tomatoes? No onions? No carrots?" She thought they got it, but they also brought her a side of black beans. Not such a big deal since they were in a separate dish.

In this case I would have said something like, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize this came in a tortilla shell. I am allergic to wheat and can't have it. Can you make me another that is not in the shell?" Now of course there is the chance they might not get it and might just take your salad out and dump it into a bowl.

Daughter and I used to dine a a restaurant that sadly is no longer there. They cooked everything from scratch and made special meals just for us. Most of the weight staff knew our allergies and knew how we wanted the food. We did have trouble a few times when they got new cooks that spoke little English. Then one day there was a new waitress. I was very clear to her that we just wanted the meat, vegetables and plain baked potatoes. So what did she do? Brought us little containers of butter right on our plates, butter dripping down the sides and onto our food. Why did she do this? She said she felt bad for us because our food looked so plain! When I told her we were allergic, she panicked. Never got an order wrong again.

Daughter and I tend to eat at the same few places now. They do make special meals for us. Often what we order is what is on the menu, minus a few things or side dishes. I always make sure to tip well. I give 20% then usually tack on an extra dollar or more, depending on how big our bill is. If just the two of us, it's usually around $20-25. They tend to remember us, and remember what we order. One place starts preparing our food the minute they see us drive up. Our appetizers anyway. They are on the table as we walk in. Then they ask us, do you want this or that today. Daughter tends to order the same thing each time. I vary between three different meals.

[Tallforagirl]

In this case I would have said something like, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize this came in a tortilla shell. I am allergic to wheat and can't have it. Can you make me another that is not in the shell?" Now of course there is the chance they might not get it and might just take your salad out and dump it into a bowl.

A good tip I read to deal with the "what if they just scrape off the offending item and bring the same food back," problem, is to keep hold of the meal they served you, until they bring you a fresh meal (you could just say your companion will eat it). Or if it's meat, you can make a small cut in it so you'll be able to identify it should it be re-plated and served up again.

[fullofhope19]

I get so tired of tiptoeing around people that get offended about what I can and cannot eat. This is the same woman who called me "fussy" last summer when I inquired about what was in the food. Honestly, it makes me never want to go over there again, and I hate to be like that, but it's so frustrating. I've been married to her son for nearly 25 years, and she and I have gotten along well so far. She lost her husband a year ago, so I'm sensitive to her emotions, but geez.

Suggestions?

I understand this. My brother has celiac disease and this thanksgiving was his first gluten free Thanskgiving. I wanted to be helpful so I made it completely gluten free. However that meant we had purplish pink dressing with our turkey. Well I modified EVERYTHING to make it gluten free. I even had some non gluten free food that I keep separate to prevent cross contamination. All my family would do is complain about it and be rude and make snide comments. I'll admit the dressing looked different but it all tasted great to me. Well my mom informed me that next year we will be doing a gluten Thanksgiving. I am so frustrated. Why does my brother have to be an outsider just because he has this illness? I think we should be accommodating and I know he loves the fact I am this way for him. And it is worth all the research and trouble to see him happy. Wish others felt the same way though. I mean people are accommodating for those with peanut allergies but just because someone with a gluten allergy doesn't have trouble breathing and could die, it is seen as a non issue. That soooo needs to change.

[Mtndog]

You're all right - I do need to deescalate and not let this turn into a power struggle. I'm a very non-confrontational person by nature, and it makes me anxious, tense and sad to have these issues.

You've gotten some good replies here. I agree with most- I would tell her you're sorry if she was offended but that you HAVE to be safe rather than sorry because you are not willing to get sick and (maybe give her some of your grosser symptoms ).

[violet2004]

Nothing - you have to stand your ground. It's hard, dealing with families can be the most stressful part of celiac disease. IMHO, offending the MIL is better than lying on the bathroom floor at 3am and missing 2 days of work.

I am lucky because my brother has to be gluten-free, too, so there is strength in numbers. My parents and family understand, and make gluten-free holiday meals (where I offer to bring as many dishes as I can! I always volunteer for the tough assignments, like gluten-free pie crust, rolls, gravy, etc.) My in-laws totally don't get it, and we see them a lot less as a result. My MIL put rolls in the oven on x-mas with the one gluten-free dish I brought and put it on *convection*. Need I say more? I have tried to explain, but some people just don't understand that, like pollen, gluten particles can get in the air, along with the other intracacies of CC that I have explained before.

I think that so many people end up feeling dietary outcasts with friends and family, where you don't eat meals with them, or bring your own food, avoid restaurants, etc. I think that so many families are selfish and don't want to "sacrifice" for others in the family. The thing is, I can make anything gluten-free taste just as good or better than the gluten version, so it's NOT a sacrifice, just a different way of doing things. gluten-free can be just as good or better.

Case in point: a professional organization that I belong to has an annual "tea at the Ritz" for the ladies. (Which is a fun tradition, since I am in a VERY male-dominated profession.) Last year I brought my own crackers and cookes and kind of felt left out of the festivities while everyone else was chowing and having to explain why I brought my own food. This year I asked my friend hosting the event if they could do a gluten-free substitute for me for the usual sandwiches and pastries. (It is the Ritz, after all.) Well, they brought out the most BEAUTIFUL plate of chocolate covered strawberries with some chocolate mousse in the middle, and a gorgeous fruit plate. All of my friends said they wanted to be gluten-free next year if that's the kind of treatment you get!

[rueyn]

It sucks, to say the least. In my case I always take food to my MiL's house. She thinks of wheat = bread products only, so I know I'd have a fight on my hands every time. Baked potatoes and salads are my staples at her house.

[mattathayde]

luckily my family is understanding and tries to accommodate me, even my friends are very accommodating (helps that they have other friends or family with food allergies or are nursing students for some of them). my grandparents didnt understand at first how bad it really was but once i explained that gluten=poison they went out of their way to help.

once people are told the "gluten=poison" and how bad cross contamination is they seem to be very understanding. i understand how you MIL was put out but i dont think its anything to have a tiff about. i didnt see if you responded or not (didnt really read through well) but i would just say that "o thank you, it probably would have been ok but i just wanted to be safe to not ~insert your reactions to gluten here~"

-matt

[Hummingbird4]

Sorry I haven't replied, I've been on vacation. Talk about difficult trying to eat when you're traveling. At least Disneyland is pretty good about gluten-free foods. I don't react when I accidentally get glutened, and I just hope I didn't get glutened too many times on this trip. I tried my hardest to be very very careful.

Haven't heard anything more from my MIL after I emailed her explaining the thing about "natural flavors" sometimes meaning a barley derivative, and I thanked her for dinner and a nice evening. She's been kind of difficult in general lately, and sometimes I think she doesn't even really believe I have celiac, due to my lack of symptoms. I know she tries, and I do appreciate that.