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I Am Having A Hard Time With This!


johncgaiser

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johncgaiser Newbie

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.


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kenlove Rising Star

Hi John,

It has to be a tough situation for you and your wife. In my case I was diagnosed about 4 years ago and asked my wife to conform to my needs, especially since I'm highly sensitive. It took some time but we've worked things out for the most part. First of all, I cant have any conventional flour in the kitchen -- breathing any of it will usually lay me up for 3 days. She's been really good and learned to work with other flours for things she likes. If she makes pancakes, she'll use gluten free (gluten-free) flour or mixes. Guess I'm lucky she was never big on them anyway but does get frozen waffles at times. We have separate utensils for things. The microwave is mine and toaster oven is hers. She keeps some regular breads in her space in her junk room, away from anything I use. If she does happen to leave crumbs around I usually get upset and she is very sorry. She does make things that I can eat and is very aware of the needs. She has even worked out a gluten free pizza dough so that we can enjoy pizza together. I do have to be firm about some things like no cookies other than gluten-free, nothing in the kitchen area other than her toaster oven and drawer for her utensils only. The few gluten items she still has are kept in her room and washed when I'm not around. It took awhile to work out, over a year, but after more than 30 years of being together it was worth it. I wish you luck and hope you can both find an acceptable compromise. I'm convinced that eating gluten free has to be more healthy for her and would be for you and your children but I also understand not wanting to give up some items.

Good luck

Ken

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

OptimisticMom42 Apprentice

Hello John,

Is this an emotional thing for your wife or is she super sensitive? I have a co-worker who says he gets hives in his eyes just from the gluten in other peoples food. I've seen the hives. It's awful.

For me, it's emotional. I feel stupid admitting this but... a couple days ago I (a grown woman with three children) was laying in bed crying while my family ate ice cream in the livingroom. It wasn't the ice cream, it was feeling excluded. That my family had been careless of my feelings.

We do usually compromise. Most meals and treats are gluten, dairy, and soy free just because it's healthier. If something is being brought into the house that is not safe for everyone an exceptable alternative is usually provided for the person who can not indulge. (I'm not the only one in the house with dietary restrictions.)

Good luck,

OptimisticMom42

tarnalberry Community Regular
My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

Depending on how she felt before being diagnosed, she may feel that it is all or nothing.

I get the impression, from your post, that things are emotional enough for the two of you - frustration, resentment, anger, impatience, etc. - that it's going to be difficult to have a productive discussion on it any time soon. There may be other things behind the matter that are making it hard for her to talk about it as well. So, honestly, and I know it sounds crazy, but I'd suggest working with a counselor to help mediate the discussion.

This isn't to say that you two need counseling as a couple, just that it's harder to be purely emotional when you're working with a mediator in a discussion, especially one who's trained to help discussions be productive. (Of course, that means getting a counselor to agree that they're *just* working with you guys on this discussion. ;) )

Regardless of whether you have this conversation mediated, it's not going to be accomplished in one sit-down. And I'd start by letting her know that you really want to figure out the family eating thing, and to do that, ALL you want to do is understand her perspective. And then listen to her - totally unemotionally, regardless of what she says (and some of it might be reaction provoking). I don't mean that she's going to go off on you, I just mean that based on my experience with my husband and I (and we're working our kitchen just fine), it surprised me how differently we think on the food stuff. Ask her questions for more information, but - in this first talk - don't try to respond, defend yourself, or correct her. This isn't about anything other than understanding what her perspective is - right, wrong, or just strange.

Once she's done talking, thank her for sharing that with you, and end the discussion. Yes, no immediate followup! Oh, the open-endedness! :) Ask her if, in a couple days, when there's more time, you guys can talk again. And when that happens, see if you can do the reverse - explain your side to her, with her just listening. Of course, you have a slight disadvantage, she's got her guard up, and can't change her gluten-free-ness, so she's more prone to feeling helplessly attacked when you don't mean it. So you may find you have to be careful in your approach, but it is kinda that type of discussion, no? And, again, you give it a few days before you guys come back together on the subject.

Giving it a few days gives each of you some time to process what the other has said, subconsciously, and then you might be in a better position to sit down together and work up a plan - maybe nothing more than a "well, here's an idea, let's try it. if it doesn't work, we'll try something else."

Realize that the compromise may not be meeting "in the middle"; she has less to give than you do. But that doesn't mean there isn't a compromise to be found, or at least some common footing that can help ease the resentment.

laurelfla Enthusiast

I think all the other posters have great ideas.

For me, it was an emotional issue (I'm the one with Celiac, my husband doesn't have any food intolerances). I constantly felt left out, excluded, worried about food, tired of being worried about food, etc., etc., etc. outside the house. My kitchen has always been the one place where I knew I could eat anything and not get sick, and not have to feel different, either. A haven, if you will.

I was diagnosed in Aug. 2005 -- my husband just started buying his own bread (glutenous) this past January. That was how long it took me to accept the idea of crumbs in the kitchen, etc. He is really careful, and when I find a Frosted Flake on the counter, I get upset and he apologizes, but I have to face that though he is sweet and careful and very concerned for me, he will never have the awareness of that that I have. He's always had his own cookies and cereal; now he also has crackers and bread. And he just got his own frying pan so he can toast up sandwiches, since the toaster oven is mine.

I don't really have any suggestions or anything, just sorry that you are feeling the resentment and hope you guys can find a balance that works. Just thought I'd share my experience.

gabby Enthusiast

Would you be willing to try an experiment for a month? For 30 days, eat only gluten free foods in the house (including the gluten free pancakes, pizza, etc.) Do not eat any gluteny foods in the house at all. HOWEVER......during those 30 days, when you are in the mood for gluteny foods....you are entitled to go out for those foods! Yes. Want pancakes? Go to your favorite pancake house and load up on them, eating as messily as you please without having to worry about getting crumbs anywhere. And there's no cleanup.

Same with donuts, fish and chips, pizza...just go to your favorite pizza place. Add a side of garlic bread if you like. Go crazy! Just make sure that NONE of it comes home with you. You've got to eat it all while you are at the restaurant.

Your wife can choose to come with you and enjoy a cup of coffee while you have your feast....or she might decide to stay at home and just have a bit of time to herself. It doesn't matter...because you both get to have a say in what you are doing. So there's no guilty feelings, no feeling unsupported, no resentments.

It is an experiment worth doing because it is a way for everybody to get what they want and not feel controlled by anyone. Diseases come into our lives and we have to adjust in all sorts of ways. Going out for your gluten might just be one of those ways.

After the 30 days, sit down together and talk about your experiences. This just might be one of those win/win situations: she gets a clean gluten-free house, you get a happy and healthy wife, and you get your gluteny foods too. If you can handle the inconvenience of going out instead of making it yourself or ordering in, then this might be a plan worth working into your regular life.

Give it a try...what have you got to lose? And keep us posted on how it works out.

Hope that helps!

Takala Enthusiast

My husband and I have been together for over 3 decades, and we both cook. He, much to my astonishment, voluntarily gave up eating most gluten items in the house when I decided to stop eating it. There is occasionally a box of a bit of wheat free instead of gluten free cereal showing up, but that's about it. He thought it was gluten free, when I explained it, he asked for cereal shopping assistance and now when I find stuff on sale, I stock up. He eats oatmeal all the time anyway. I don't, but I'm not paranoid about it as long as the bowl gets rinsed before it goes in the dishwasher. He says he gets enough of the other foods that have gluten, from eating out at lunch and on business travel. Once in a while, if we go out to a "mixed" restaurant, he eats the other stuff. But at home for shared meals, we share meals.

Alas, I can bake faster than we can consume, in terms of calories, so I can keep up with the gluten free bread needs around here.

We make gluten free pizza when we want pizza.

We make gluten free pancakes when we want pancakes. We consider ours to be better, anyway.

We just use tinkyada rice pasta when we do spaghetti. That was dinner last night.

When we go somewhere, I always pack snacks and the go- bag is full of gluten free goodies that he can have, too.

It's just easier this way. You don't have to think as hard. The food is safe.

I'm not sure what I'd do about teenagers, if I had them. Probably read them the riot act about cross contamination if they were being careless, but if they had to have something, just work it out so they didn't feel deprived. They can eat that special junk in their rooms, in restaurants, fast food joints, with friends, in their cars.... the gluten crumbs need to be kept out of the home kitchen. There are many main stream snack items that just happen to be gluten free anyway, and use of those should be encouraged as much as possible. If lunches containing gluten were being packed at home, they would need to be highly contained in their own prep corner.

A lot of this sounds like a cross contamination issue where boundaries were not being respected. The main thing is to keep those hands washed before you touch anything in the kitchen. This works for gluten protein contamination as well as germs. I do not feel deprived, I'm not being unreasonable, but Thou Shalt Not Drag Crap Into My Cooking Area With Your Mittens. I do have some restaurant and fast food cooking experience, so maybe I am a little more aware of this than some people. If you just fed the cat her kibbles, and petted the dog, wash your hands before you cook. Don't touch raw uncooked meat with the bare hands and then not wash your hands before touching something else, for instance. Keep your hands away from your face when preparing raw vegetables.... Assume everything that need to be cooked, could be contaminated with bacteria and cook it thoroughly, especially since we use a lot of eggs in gluten free cooking. When in doubt, throw it out. Sniff it first, stop the worst. Wipe the counter with a paper towel, not a yucky hand rag. Put the leftovers into the refrigerator promptly.

Honestly, sometimes I just about faint when I see other people lick spoons and then stick it back into the pot after they just shooed the wheat eating cat off the counter and coughed into their hand, and then find out the whole lot of them has had some sort of "stomach virus" for 2 weeks. Would I like some tea? Bleep no. Yech !!! And I'm not in any way a "clean freak." But still.

The other important thing would be to make sure that gluten free condiment jars stay gluten free, so that there is no question that the mustard, peanut butter, jelly, butter, etc, had a crumby knife stuck into them, ruining the contents unbeknownst to the person to which it matters. This is the beauty of having the kitchen a gluten free zone.

It does mean you keep a pretty well stocked ingredient pantry, especially if the shopping source is a good distance away.

This may not have been what you wanted to hear, but I doubt that my spouse is suffering from a decreased quality of life because he adapted quickly to a few grocery brand changes, less processed food at home, and eating more homemade baked goods.

My husband also knows just how sick I can get when not eating like this, so that must also be a consideration for him.


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Crystalkd Contributor

Like your wife I require a gluten free enviroment in my house. I feel that my home should be my safe zone. I've been on the diet for two years. My sister moved in afterwards and agreed to go gluten-free. We look at recipes and think about what needs to be changed to make them safe. I've actually learned alot of great recipes from her. The change does impact the family no doubt. Look at it this way. As healing happens she will be a better partner because she is not fighting her body and is not ill. Bringing an already made piiza into the house can cause a reaction plus if you clean the plate it was on with a snonge and then its reused it makes her sick. My sister and I have found that Cheebe mix makes a GREAT pizza crust and that Bob's Red Mill Pancake mix makes great pancakes. Also Tyndikia pasta is Great. Ther are ways to have all the things to love in a gluten-free version so ther is no need for resentment.

I think that trying to share a kitcken with gluten is literally terrifying even two years later. There is just too much room for error and the Gluten made me too sick to even chance it. I'm in broadcasting if I get sick I can't work. Therefore there is no longer temptation.

TES Newbie

I too, am the celiac wife. I absolutely hate that my husband has given up a lot of the foods we used to enjoy! We've been married for 37 years and while there have been many nice gifts given over the years, one of the best was when he surprised me with a toaster... just for me. I then realized it wasn't so much the food, either gluten or non-gluten, it's the support, the understanding and communication that is the most important. There have been a few tough moments...like seeing gluten exposed hands reach for something non-gluten, thus it being contaminated, and then I have freaked out a little while adjusting. It most certainly affects the whole family and changes your life. I know that my husband would give up all gluten, if I asked...that is what is important to me. Instead I encourage him to eat normally, and he tries really hard to be careful, and I try really hard not to freak out or panic. I also am the cook and used to bake all our bread and pastries, so I have adapted and found most things can be as good as gluten foods. I agree with the other post, maybe you should have father and kid time out, where you pig out on your favorites that you are feeling deprived of. Just be sure and include your wife by doing something with her or for her which is "safe" for her. I think it is very hard for non-celiacs to understand how truly sick a celiac can become and nothing helps it. Gluten affects me so bad, that there aren't words to describe it, you can't escape it with drugs or sleep, it consumes every cell in your body. That is why we can become paranoid, freaky and panic when we see the tinest little crumb. I was once told that if you wanted to be treated like a queen, treat your man like a king...and vice versa. The more my husband supports me, the less freaked out and more relaxed I become, about this disease.

Don't let this crappy disease rob you of any more than it already has. It will take both of you to compromise, communicate, and come to an understanding of what both of you are feeling. You both need each other's support.

johncgaiser Newbie

Thank you for the reply. :)

johncgaiser Newbie

Yes. It is very emotive. She takes our wants as disrespect to her and her condition.

Hello John,

Is this an emotional thing for your wife or is she super sensitive? I have a co-worker who says he gets hives in his eyes just from the gluten in other peoples food. I've seen the hives. It's awful.

For me, it's emotional. I feel stupid admitting this but... a couple days ago I (a grown woman with three children) was laying in bed crying while my family ate ice cream in the livingroom. It wasn't the ice cream, it was feeling excluded. That my family had been careless of my feelings.

We do usually compromise. Most meals and treats are gluten, dairy, and soy free just because it's healthier. If something is being brought into the house that is not safe for everyone an exceptable alternative is usually provided for the person who can not indulge. (I'm not the only one in the house with dietary restrictions.)

Good luck,

OptimisticMom42

johncgaiser Newbie

Great advice! Thank you!

Depending on how she felt before being diagnosed, she may feel that it is all or nothing.

I get the impression, from your post, that things are emotional enough for the two of you - frustration, resentment, anger, impatience, etc. - that it's going to be difficult to have a productive discussion on it any time soon. There may be other things behind the matter that are making it hard for her to talk about it as well. So, honestly, and I know it sounds crazy, but I'd suggest working with a counselor to help mediate the discussion.

This isn't to say that you two need counseling as a couple, just that it's harder to be purely emotional when you're working with a mediator in a discussion, especially one who's trained to help discussions be productive. (Of course, that means getting a counselor to agree that they're *just* working with you guys on this discussion. ;) )

Regardless of whether you have this conversation mediated, it's not going to be accomplished in one sit-down. And I'd start by letting her know that you really want to figure out the family eating thing, and to do that, ALL you want to do is understand her perspective. And then listen to her - totally unemotionally, regardless of what she says (and some of it might be reaction provoking). I don't mean that she's going to go off on you, I just mean that based on my experience with my husband and I (and we're working our kitchen just fine), it surprised me how differently we think on the food stuff. Ask her questions for more information, but - in this first talk - don't try to respond, defend yourself, or correct her. This isn't about anything other than understanding what her perspective is - right, wrong, or just strange.

Once she's done talking, thank her for sharing that with you, and end the discussion. Yes, no immediate followup! Oh, the open-endedness! :) Ask her if, in a couple days, when there's more time, you guys can talk again. And when that happens, see if you can do the reverse - explain your side to her, with her just listening. Of course, you have a slight disadvantage, she's got her guard up, and can't change her gluten-free-ness, so she's more prone to feeling helplessly attacked when you don't mean it. So you may find you have to be careful in your approach, but it is kinda that type of discussion, no? And, again, you give it a few days before you guys come back together on the subject.

Giving it a few days gives each of you some time to process what the other has said, subconsciously, and then you might be in a better position to sit down together and work up a plan - maybe nothing more than a "well, here's an idea, let's try it. if it doesn't work, we'll try something else."

Realize that the compromise may not be meeting "in the middle"; she has less to give than you do. But that doesn't mean there isn't a compromise to be found, or at least some common footing that can help ease the resentment.

johncgaiser Newbie

Honestly, I am tearing up. On the verge of balling. These are accurate descriptions of our life right now and I am soooooo comforted that we are not alone.

I think all the other posters have great ideas.

For me, it was an emotional issue (I'm the one with Celiac, my husband doesn't have any food intolerances). I constantly felt left out, excluded, worried about food, tired of being worried about food, etc., etc., etc. outside the house. My kitchen has always been the one place where I knew I could eat anything and not get sick, and not have to feel different, either. A haven, if you will.

I was diagnosed in Aug. 2005 -- my husband just started buying his own bread (glutenous) this past January. That was how long it took me to accept the idea of crumbs in the kitchen, etc. He is really careful, and when I find a Frosted Flake on the counter, I get upset and he apologizes, but I have to face that though he is sweet and careful and very concerned for me, he will never have the awareness of that that I have. He's always had his own cookies and cereal; now he also has crackers and bread. And he just got his own frying pan so he can toast up sandwiches, since the toaster oven is mine.

I don't really have any suggestions or anything, just sorry that you are feeling the resentment and hope you guys can find a balance that works. Just thought I'd share my experience.

sbj Rookie
My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence . . . Is there middle ground at all? . . . can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage . . . At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

IMO, you can bring a pizza into the kitchen and you can cook pancakes in the garage. There are many here who share a kitchen without problems. My partner was never advised that he must eat gluten free in my presence because I have celiac disease. I'd suggest you both visit a dietitian (well-versed in celiac and cross-contamination issues) together to speak about these issues. There is, indeed, a middle ground here but remember that it's her health that is at stake while for you it's a matter of convenience. I'm sure you don't want to make her sick but she may be overreacting a bit. It's important to discuss this stuff to get rid of the resentment.

johncgaiser Newbie

I am sure now that what I have neglected to do properly is acknowledge the severity of her disease and respect her fear and apprehensions.

IMO, you can bring a pizza into the kitchen and you can cook pancakes in the garage. There are many here who share a kitchen without problems. My partner was never advised that he must eat gluten free in my presence because I have celiac disease. I'd suggest you both visit a dietitian (well-versed in celiac and cross-contamination issues) together to speak about these issues. There is, indeed, a middle ground here but remember that it's her health that is at stake while for you it's a matter of convenience. I'm sure you don't want to make her sick but she may be overreacting a bit. It's important to discuss this stuff to get rid of the resentment.
Dasmith Rookie

I am an extremely lucky wife....my husband has chosen to go mostly gluten free for me, but I did not require this. There is bread in the fridge and garlic bread in the freezer for him and he uses the toaster oven which I no longer use. I believe that this is my disease and not his so if he still wishes to eat gluten, he can....he actually is more aware of it then I can be. For example, I kept getting sick after "gluten free meals" or so I thought. While he was BBQing he was using the same utensils on my food and his which had BBQ sauce on it...and he is the one that noticed what he was doing....I just laughed and teased him saying that he was trying to collect on my $5000 life insurance policy through work....lol. I don't want him to be so jumpy about what I can and can't eat that he ends up resenting me, I can be neurotic enough on my own...lol.

Anyway, my point is do what is best for you both....have her read this site, see how people cope with it when one is celiac and one isn't. Maybe make a designated area for you in the kitchen, etc. My hope is you both can come to some agreement where she feels supported and you can still enjoy foods that you like. Good luck to you both, and take care.

  • 2 weeks later...
samcarter Contributor

Well, I won't be popular, but as the gluten-intolerant person in our household, I would never make my family eat gluten-free in my presence. Leaving out the fact that eating gluten free can become expensive (if you try to duplicate a gluten-filled diet with substitutes), I think it can create resentment on the part of the non-celiac familiy members. If my husband had to go without bread, I would fear for our marriage.

Also, the world is not gluten-free. Eventually we all have to learn how to keep ourselves as safe as possible when we go out in the world, unless we decide to become hermits and stay in our homes the rest of our lives.

Your wife's diagnosis is recent, you said, and it's very common and understandable for her to be pulling up the drawbridge and wanting to avoid as much tempation and contamination as possible. However, it's going to put a strain on the rest of the family. As much as she wants a gluten-free haven for herself, while she figures out how to eat at restaurants and heals internally, she's living with other people.

I have a shelf for my gluten-free foods (rice threads, Larabars, Rice Chex), and I do all the meal planning and cooking, for the most part. If i'm making a gluten-free meal for myself, I make it first, and then the gluten-filled foods. This reduces the chance of cross-contamination. At first I was greatly tempted by the Pringles (wheat starch) that our kids have as treats, but a few slips and the resultant diarrhea was enough for me to remember to exercise willpower.

I don't bother baking many gluten-free treats for myself, so that I don't have to boil my Kitchenaid mixer after using it to make cookies for the kids. ;) Often we just buy gluten-filled cookies, rather than go to that bother.

I make sure to wipe down the counters and change dishcloths often. If I'm working with flour, I make sure to wash my hands well.

I'm not saying your wife has to bake bread for the family, or cookies, or whatnot. There are lots of wonderful, naturally gluten-free meals she can make for the whole family that won't rely on substitutes like tapioca flour or bean flour (yuck). Or if the kids are old enough, they can make their own lunches and breakfasts--which tend to be gluteny.

Again, if her diagnosis is new, she's going to be jumpy about gluten and worried. That's understandable. But in my opinion, forcing those who don't need to eat the special diet to eat it, is only going to create resentment over the long term.

ranger Enthusiast

My DH can eat gluten - I can't. There is no wheat flour in the house. He takes his lunch to work, so whats allowed in the house is: Sandwich bread, individually wrapped baked goods, crackers, and cereal for him. It's kept together away from the rest of the food. There is one area of the counter where he can make a sandwich ( on a paper plate) or pour cereal or make toast in his toaster. My toaster is across the room. We eat mostly gluten free joint meals. On occasion, we have a meal that is too expensive to make gluten free, so I make separate meals. Not often! An example is pizza. I'll buy him a regular pizza, and make a gluten-free pizza for me. He doesn't mind gluten-free meals - says they're just as good as before. And I'm not sick all the time. You can work it out but, remember, your wife's health is more important that any inconveniance's that occur because of it!

LDJofDenver Apprentice

Well, lots of great advice here, for sure.

I am the Celiac in my house. We do not operate a gluten free home or kitchen, we are just careful and conscious of our food prep. It was a little hairy-scary at first (on both our parts) but now it is old hat. We sort of just have his-and-hers pasta -- I make the spaghetti meat sauce with all the stuff we love, then we boil 2 pans of water, one to make my noodles (rice) and one to make his!

One thing we've done that really helps in the kitchen is purchased separate "safe" items in a different color: my cutting board is red, my strainer/collander is red. They stand out like a flag that says gluten-free! Might give that a try. Now it's even kind of fun to come across some other new item that is RED and add to my safe collection. Our stainless pans are safe, but coated ones previously used are not, so I have (yes) my red omelet pan. I have my own red electric mixer, and my own toaster (darn, it's just white, but it's mine).

And eating out, your wife can call your favorite restaurants ahead of time - especially during a slower time of day - and find out in advance what menu items would be safe for her to order when you go there.

lonewolf Collaborator

I'm the gluten-free wife and my husband has tried to be patient. We have 4 children and I was the only one gluten-free for several years, but now 2 of my kids (teenagers) are also gluten-free. So we have 3 and 3. Here's how we have ended up compromising:

All breakfasts are gluten-free, except for the occasional time I buy gluten-free bagels. Because they're expensive, I also buy regular bagels so everyone can have some. We have french toast, pancakes, muffins, omelets, sausage, bacon and eggs, and often just cereal. We've found enough gluten-free cereal that everyone likes that there aren't any problems. Occasionally a non gluten-free cereal comes into the house and it's not a big deal. I've heard that Pamela's Pancake mix is good, but I can't have dairy, so we just make them homemade from my old recipe.

Lunches are a bit different. My 2 gluten-free kids and I pack totally gluten-free lunches. My husband and other 2 kids often have gluten-free food too, whether it's leftovers or sandwiches. My husband goes out to lunch occasionally so he can eat whatever he wants. My other two kids buy lunch once in a while when there's something they want that they don't get at home. I do allow wheat bread for sandwiches and packaged things like granola bars in the kitchen, but I try to make sure that there are gluten-free equivalents so no one is left out.

All dinners are completely gluten-free. I do almost all of the cooking and make things like pasta, roast chicken, pot roast, pizza, casseroles, tacos and "normal" food. I just use gluten-free ingredients. My husband is happy with how everything tastes and never complains. The non gluten-free kids are fine with dinners too. The occasional time we go out, there are no rules about what anyone can eat, but we have to go to a place where we can all order something.

If you like to cook and make things like pancakes and pizza, maybe you could experiment and make things that you both enjoy and can eat. It's worked for us, so I'm sure you can make it work for you too.

WW340 Rookie

I am the celiac, and my house is mostly gluten free. All meals are made by me and are gluten free. My husband and my son both say we eat better than we ever did before. They love our home cooked meals.

They both have their own bread and sometimes cookies or cinnamon rolls. If I will keep the gluten free items baked, they would just as soon have my gluten free cookies and cakes, and they love my gluten free crackers.

Anything made of flour in this house is done with gluten free flours, whether I am eating or not. It is just too hard to keep floating gluten under control.

When we go out, they can have what ever they want to eat. It does not bother me to watch someone else eat gluten. I simply can't be worried about it finding it's way into my food. I don't like to go out to eat, because I frequently get cross contaminated. We have a few reliable restaurants now, so it is not so bad.

I am very sensitive, so the least little bit of cross contamination makes me sick for days to weeks. If I had to deal with the constant possibility of contamination at home, I would go nuts.

I make gluten free pizza that is very good, however, sometimes my son and husband will have a frozen pizza, but they are very careful with handling and clean up.

When my family got lax and started bringing in more gluten items, and not being so very careful, I got sick again for an extended period of time. They got better, and so did I.

I just can't live with flu like symptoms and constant itching 24 hours a day. I have many permanent problems due to celiac, I really don't need anymore.

My family would rather have me healthy, and not grumpy (one of my symptoms of contamination), so they work very hard at keeping me safe now.

I am glad to see that you are also realizing that your wife probably needs a little more support right now. This is definitely not easy. It is the very worse that it can be in the beginning, when you don't feel good anyway, and it all seems so overwhelming. Everyone will do better with it after a period of time and some experience.

Good luck, at least you are looking for answers, that is a good first step.

NorthernElf Enthusiast

This is an interesting topic for sure - I'm thinking having kids at home makes a big difference. I'm the celiac in my family - we have three kids 13 and under. I do not have a gluten free home...I couldn't afford it ! Having said that, many meals I make are gluten free by default but lunches would be very hard. I have one small section of the counter set aside for gluten stuff - bread for sandwiches, etc. All the other counters have a small 'gluten free zone' sign, as does my toaster on that side (the gluten side has its own toaster). The top shelf of the fridge freezer is gluten-free stuff, the top shelf of the pantry is my gluten-free stuff. I have a drawer of gluten free bakeware and cooking utensils. If it is silicone, it's mine...I also have a couple of silicone sheets to line the gluteny cookie sheets when I bake my stuff. I use metal cooking bowls for my stuff, they use the plastic ones.

I got rid of the breadmaker real quick - cutting bread makes a LOT of crumbs. When we have pizza we usually have it on pizza shells - they have theirs, I use the Kinnikinnick ones. I still make muffins for my kids - I just use mixes. My kids have taken over making cookies at the kitchen table.

I definitely do not (try not to) resent their eating gluten in my presence. I find eating gluten free to be a real pain in the a$$ at times and I can resent it, but not my family. Why should they have to "suffer" along with me ? Sure, it bothers me at times that I can't have what they have but it certainly is not their fault. Mostly the times this whole gluten-free thing bothers me is when we are travelling and visiting family or vacationing. Not all extended family members understand gluten-free living and when travelling there are so many different food experiences I must miss out on...but it's nobody's fault, I just can't have it. It sucks - my in laws ordered in dishes of Chinese food over spring break...I could have the steamed rice. It smelled so good...but there were 15 of us so 14 got to enjoy a good meal together...I wouldn't deny them that. My own mother had a lasagna ready for us when we travelled down there :rolleyes: ...that sucked too but my family enjoyed it. I had a Thai noodle soup and worked on enjoying their company.

I've been at this for about 5 years. There are certainly ups & downs. My DH is very supportive - he's not too good at letting me whine and mope about it but he is very good at supporting me and following my gluten-free "rules". I really wish I didn't have this condition and I hope none of my kids develop it but I gotta live with it as best as I can. I could certainly see that once the kids leave home our house would be a lot more gluten-free but as long as I'm very careful, it's not an issue.

  • 2 weeks later...
delidot Newbie
My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

Hi John,

I really empathize with you. It is extremely difficult to change one's eating habits. However, your wife has had to change all of hers to accomodate this disease. Some of the things you should know are: gluten free does not have to be horrid or tasteless. There are hundreds of gluten free recipes that are great for everyone.

I am a Chef at a tea room/restuarant. I am not a celiac, but must prepare foods for people who are. It is really important to me to prepare gluten free foods that are delicious and would appeal to anyone. This is possible. If you want me to supply you with recipes or ideas for gluten free foods that anyone would enjoy, please email me and I will send them to you. Susan

delidot Newbie
Hi John,

I really empathize with you. It is extremely difficult to change one's eating habits. However, your wife has had to change all of hers to accomodate this disease. Some of the things you should know are: gluten free does not have to be horrid or tasteless. There are hundreds of gluten free recipes that are great for everyone.

I am a Chef at a tea room/restuarant. I am not a celiac, but must prepare foods for people who are. It is really important to me to prepare gluten free foods that are delicious and would appeal to anyone. This is possible. If you want me to supply you with recipes or ideas for gluten free foods that anyone would enjoy, please email me and I will send them to you. Susan

ps: Yes you can make pancakes in the garage or outside, you need an electric grill. It is primarily the flour dust in the air that is a problem for celiacs.

one more mile Contributor

This is an interesting topic to see how others deal with it.

I figure that it is my illness not other peoples.

I am the celiac but have a roommate. He understands my illness as he has seem me sick for the last 20 years.

but some things he just does not get. We cook separate most of the time but if one of us is in the mood to make dinner it is made gluten free.

One thing he does that makes me jump in fear is to make toast and then lay it on the counter and butter it and then walk off, leaving the crumbs. Lucky for me he always does it at the same spot so I just stay clear of that spot. One thing I had to learn to do was to put a plate on the counter before I placed anything of mine on it, even a spoon or butter knife. I have my own toaster and store it in the cabinet when i am not using it. That way it is not used by someone else in error.

Why grip about it when I can prevent the problem?

He is not a baker but I know I could not handle air borne gluten. He eats what I bake. I have taken many recipes of line and bought a few cook books.

I have had learn that for a celiac there is no 5 second rule. If I drop food, even on a clean counter I toss it out.

As my kitchen is small most gluten food is kept in his room.but for practical reasons bread is in the kitchen.

I do not touch or cook anything with gluten. I am not sure what I would do if I had gluten eating kids living with me.

We mix some of our food but not jelly or butter due to cross contamination.

It is an odd feeling not being safe in my own kitchen, part of me can not wait till he moves out, but it is also good practice. I must be so careful out in the world that I might as well practice at home.

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