Longing For A Gluten Lifestyle

[Gluteneater]

Hello,

My partner is gluten intolerant. I knew this from the time we got together and initally I thought that I could live with it and that it would never be an issue. Nearly two years later, however, I'm finding that I no longer feel this way. I long to be able to cook the way I "used" to cook, to be able to enjoy family recipes with my partner, to be able to go to restaurants that I like. It's impossible to go to events, to go to friends' homes, to go out to eat.

We can have gluten in the house, but there is nothing more lonely than eating separate meals with my partner. I'm going crazy, and on top of all of this I feel really unsupportive and bad about it. I get to the point where I am starting to resent her and I know this is not her fault and that that is inexcusable.

Has anyone been able to get through this "phase"?

[SacGFGirl]

Hello,

My partner is gluten intolerant. I knew this from the time we got together and initally I thought that I could live with it and that it would never be an issue. Nearly two years later, however, I'm finding that I no longer feel this way. I long to be able to cook the way I "used" to cook, to be able to enjoy family recipes with my partner, to be able to go to restaurants that I like. It's impossible to go to events, to go to friends' homes, to go out to eat.

We can have gluten in the house, but there is nothing more lonely than eating separate meals with my partner. I'm going crazy, and on top of all of this I feel really unsupportive and bad about it. I get to the point where I am starting to resent her and I know this is not her fault and that that is inexcusable.

Has anyone been able to get through this "phase"?

Being gluten intolerant is just part of who she is. I'm in my mid-20's and my husband and I have been together for 7+ yrs, married for 2 months. I have celiac; he does not. For a long time we ate separate meals and there was double the meal prep and double the dishes, but slowly he has converted to being gluten free when we're together. Sure he eats things I can't have when he's out and about, but our house is 99% gluten free. The key is trial and error of finding the right products and the right recipes. I know going out for dinner or family gatherings can be difficult, but it gets easier with time, and others' being aware and accepting of the gluten free lifestyle. There are more and more places offering gluten free menus, and more and more gluten free convenient foods being offered to help easy the problems you speak of. By being with someone who is gluten free you too must become an advocate of the gluten free lifestyle, sharing what that means with others. That's the only way it becomes easier. Good luck.

[ChemistMama]

I'll ask you a blunt question, no offense meant; is she worth it? Is the enjoyment of some foods so important to your well being that you would sacrifice a relationship for it?

When I was diagnosed it was a huge lifestyle change. I learned that I had to change my focus from food to other hobbies that have absolutely nothing to do with food, yet can still make me happy. No doubt your partner had to go through this when she was diagnosed, and you will have to also if you choose to stay with her.

Look at it as a challenge; why eat separate meals? Half my family is gluten-free, the other is not, yet I cook one meal for everyone. Why is it lonely when you are eating at the same table at the same time with your partner? She's right there in front of you. The food is secondary.

Why resent going out and going to social events? If she properly plans, there is no problem; eat before hand, she can bring her own food, and enjoy herself as much as you.

You need to decide whether you are going to resent her and make her feel bad for an illness she can't control, or decide that the relationship is more important and support her in any way you can. If the former, save her the trouble and get a new girlfriend. If the latter, good for you; cook her a gluten free meal and show her that you support her and love her.

[psawyer]

You need to decide whether you are going to resent her and make her feel bad for an illness she can't control, or decide that the relationship is more important and support her in any way you can. If the former, save her the trouble and get a new girlfriend. If the latter, good for you; cook her a gluten free meal and show her that you support her and love her.

I could not have said this better.

[Foxfire62]

Hello,

My partner is gluten intolerant. I knew this from the time we got together and initally I thought that I could live with it and that it would never be an issue. Nearly two years later, however, I'm finding that I no longer feel this way. I long to be able to cook the way I "used" to cook, to be able to enjoy family recipes with my partner, to be able to go to restaurants that I like. It's impossible to go to events, to go to friends' homes, to go out to eat.

We can have gluten in the house, but there is nothing more lonely than eating separate meals with my partner. I'm going crazy, and on top of all of this I feel really unsupportive and bad about it. I get to the point where I am starting to resent her and I know this is not her fault and that that is inexcusable.

Has anyone been able to get through this "phase"?

I don't want to appear unsympathetic to you, but I kind of am. Can you imagine how your partner must feel? I can. Do you know how hard it sometimes is that you cannot enjoy the same foods everyone else can? Do you understand how different life becomes after finding out you have to follow a gluten-free diet and have to be so extremely careful, because if you're not, you can feel really sick? Do you understand how difficult it is to look at restaurants and understand that, although some have gluten-free menus, most don't know how to properly prepare them, and you become paranoid about eating out? Do you understand that sometimes you get sick and can't figure out, even if you're following a gluten-free diet, why you're still sick? Do you understand how gluten-intolerant individuals have to be so careful when living amongst gluten-tolerant individuals who have gluten-containing products everywhere in the house? Do you understand what your partner lost while you can still eat any food from a supermarket that you like? And you are upset because you lost the ability to eat the same foods with your partner and can't go out like you used to? Do you understand the emotional turmoil your partner must be going through realizing all this and understanding that you must suffer too? Don't you think that's a little selfish on your part? Should it really matter that you can't eat the same things? Shouldn't it be more important that you are together?

I'm not yelling at you, just posing these questions so you can understand that what you're going through isn't nearly as hellish as what your partner is going through. A partnership between two people is about give and take and sometimes giving up the things we enjoy in order to support our partners. If you can't do that, maybe her gluten intolerance is not the issue?

[ang1e0251]

One of things you are longing to do is share family recipes with your partner. I've been converting all my family recipes to gluten-free. Last Thanksgiving, we had all of our favorites and the only thing I could eat was the stuffing. I didn't convert that because I really don't care about stuffing. The green bean casserole, peach pie, turkey, and pumpkin roll all were made gluten-free.

I challenge you to get on the bandwagon and start working in the kitchen as a team. Cooking and eating foods you both can enjoy will only enhance your relationship and renew your committment to your partner's well being. If you get stuck, you can post your recipes here. There are some fabulous cooks that are very experienced at recipe conversions.

Instead of finding excuses as to why you both can't go out, why not research ways you can go out safely? Writing to this website was a great first step, we'll always try to help you through tough spots.

Just know that we know her side better than your side and we will lean that direction. If you were in chemotherapy and sick, would your partner wolf down giant pot roasts in front of you or would she be discreet about her meals when you could only sip broth? I'll bet she would not sit across from you eating when you couldn't. Just give her the same courtesy.

[shayesmom]

Hello,

My partner is gluten intolerant. I knew this from the time we got together and initally I thought that I could live with it and that it would never be an issue. Nearly two years later, however, I'm finding that I no longer feel this way. I long to be able to cook the way I "used" to cook, to be able to enjoy family recipes with my partner, to be able to go to restaurants that I like. It's impossible to go to events, to go to friends' homes, to go out to eat.

We can have gluten in the house, but there is nothing more lonely than eating separate meals with my partner. I'm going crazy, and on top of all of this I feel really unsupportive and bad about it. I get to the point where I am starting to resent her and I know this is not her fault and that that is inexcusable.

Has anyone been able to get through this "phase"?

I really can't say if this is a "phase" that can be worked through. Fact is, some relationships last, some don't. In the ones that don't work...it isn't necessarily because the two people don't care for each other. Sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. The relationship may be a "stepping stone" on the way to a better one...or it's meant as a trial to assist you in the future, or something to look back on and wonder why you let something like food choices destroy something with real potential. Who knows?

Either way, your premise of using your partner's medical condition as an excuse is, well....inexcusable. It's like choosing to date someone who is blind and then one day bemoaning how lonely it is to watch the sunset with him/her. It can't be helped. You either learn other ways to communicate and share or you move on. But it isn't fair to blame their limitation as the mitigating factor for a break-up. That cannot be helped. But your perspective and attitude can be. I think the real question is....is this person worth it to you? You need to be honest with yourself.

It's okay if she's not worth it to you. Doesn't make her a bad person. Nor does it make you a bad person. But please don't go using her disease as a reason for you leaving. She's got plenty of baggage to carry without that particular excuse. For all of the resentment you're feeling, just try to imagine for one second how she feels about this. She didn't ask for this disease. She didn't ask for a "disability" which can be socially isolating. She's simply trying to make the best of what she's been dealt. This includes risking daily cross contamination with a person who obviously wants to keep separate camps as opposed to pooling resources.

Sorry, I really am not trying to be mean or dismissive. But this disease changes people. It really makes you reassess life and what's important to you. My husband and I were completely blown away when our first and only daughter showed clear symptoms of gluten intolerance. And we also deal with dairy, soy and egg allergy (along with multiple chemical sensitivities). We were used to a pretty carefree life prior to this. And yet, once we stopped trying to fight it and accepted life for what it was, it got better. We eliminated ALL of the offending foods from our home. To us, gluten just isn't worth our child's well-being. And in the interim, we both found out that there were huge benefits to be found in this on personal levels. My husband found out that removing dairy brought his blood pressure down to normal...so no more meds for him. And I feel better than I have in years. And we've been able to share our experience with others to help them find a quality of life that up to now was "medically impossible". We're talking medical problems that normally destroy lives and families. Going out does take planning....but we still manage to do it successfully. And hey...it could be worse.

The only thing I "miss" about gluten is the sheer convenience factor....like being able to order a pizza after a long day at work. But my husband and I have both come to enjoy experimenting in the kitchen and seeking new recipes and ideas to expand our options. And NEVER will we let our daughter feel like she's some sort of burden to us because it takes a bit of extra effort and planning to make life more normal. We enjoy her for who she is....not what she eats. It doesn't sound like you're enjoying your partner for who she is any more. And that is what you should be looking at. Because that is what really determines whether or not this is a relationship worth having.

Hope you find some answers.

[GottaSki]

One of things you are longing to do is share family recipes with your partner. I've been converting all my family recipes to gluten-free. Last Thanksgiving, we had all of our favorites and the only thing I could eat was the stuffing. I didn't convert that because I really don't care about stuffing. The green bean casserole, peach pie, turkey, and pumpkin roll all were made gluten-free.

I challenge you to get on the bandwagon and start working in the kitchen as a team. Cooking and eating foods you both can enjoy will only enhance your relationship and renew your committment to your partner's well being. If you get stuck, you can post your recipes here. There are some fabulous cooks that are very experienced at recipe conversions.

This is the solution in our home. My husband and kids are all onboard with gluten-free...but other family members and friends are confused and still think gluten-free is a choice we are making...

On Sunday we had my sister and other family over for her birthday dinner...everyone was shocked because I was "able" to eat everything on the table. We served Enchiladas Verde (old favorite...only had to change the base canned sauce brand), spanish rice, spinach salad with almonds and for desert the most delicious blueberry cheesecake anyone at the table had eaten. ALL GLUTEN FREE

Restaurants are still scary to me, but we are trying to find safe ones to enjoy while I heal.

One easy trick we have found in our kitchen is we label everything that is gluten-free with small green dot stickers...makes cooking far less worrisome as we do have some gluten left in the house.

[kerds]

I really can't say if this is a "phase" that can be worked through. Fact is, some relationships last, some don't. In the ones that don't work...it isn't necessarily because the two people don't care for each other. Sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. The relationship may be a "stepping stone" on the way to a better one...or it's meant as a trial to assist you in the future, or something to look back on and wonder why you let something like food choices destroy something with real potential. Who knows?

Either way, your premise of using your partner's medical condition as an excuse is, well....inexcusable. It's like choosing to date someone who is blind and then one day bemoaning how lonely it is to watch the sunset with him/her. It can't be helped. You either learn other ways to communicate and share or you move on. But it isn't fair to blame their limitation as the mitigating factor for a break-up. That cannot be helped. But your perspective and attitude can be. I think the real question is....is this person worth it to you? You need to be honest with yourself.

It's okay if she's not worth it to you. Doesn't make her a bad person. Nor does it make you a bad person. But please don't go using her disease as a reason for you leaving. She's got plenty of baggage to carry without that particular excuse. For all of the resentment you're feeling, just try to imagine for one second how she feels about this. She didn't ask for this disease. She didn't ask for a "disability" which can be socially isolating. She's simply trying to make the best of what she's been dealt. This includes risking daily cross contamination with a person who obviously wants to keep separate camps as opposed to pooling resources.

Sorry, I really am not trying to be mean or dismissive. But this disease changes people. It really makes you reassess life and what's important to you. My husband and I were completely blown away when our first and only daughter showed clear symptoms of gluten intolerance. And we also deal with dairy, soy and egg allergy (along with multiple chemical sensitivities). We were used to a pretty carefree life prior to this. And yet, once we stopped trying to fight it and accepted life for what it was, it got better. We eliminated ALL of the offending foods from our home. To us, gluten just isn't worth our child's well-being. And in the interim, we both found out that there were huge benefits to be found in this on personal levels. My husband found out that removing dairy brought his blood pressure down to normal...so no more meds for him. And I feel better than I have in years. And we've been able to share our experience with others to help them find a quality of life that up to now was "medically impossible". We're talking medical problems that normally destroy lives and families. Going out does take planning....but we still manage to do it successfully. And hey...it could be worse.

The only thing I "miss" about gluten is the sheer convenience factor....like being able to order a pizza after a long day at work. But my husband and I have both come to enjoy experimenting in the kitchen and seeking new recipes and ideas to expand our options. And NEVER will we let our daughter feel like she's some sort of burden to us because it takes a bit of extra effort and planning to make life more normal. We enjoy her for who she is....not what she eats. It doesn't sound like you're enjoying your partner for who she is any more. And that is what you should be looking at. Because that is what really determines whether or not this is a relationship worth having.

Hope you find some answers.

A very wise person wrote the above. After many years of being sooo sick I finally found I need to be gluten free and slowly got better. For several years my Loving and elderly hubby has cooked most of his own meals (he can and does consume gluten), and sometimes my gluten free food too when my problems were so severe. Of course after nearly 63 years of marriage and many years of retirement we have mellowed considererably!!! Any 'couple' needs to consider the other partner and their needs of all kinds. You will learn where your priorities are. kerds