Feeling Helpless

[jasonD2]

Some major depression this past week. I was traveling in MD for work and lost another 3 lbs cause I didnt have enough time to prepare all my own food the way I normally do..correction...all the same food that I eat over and over again at every damn meal because if i eat anything else i get sick. So i pretty much ate a small meal in the morning and one at night and a few rice cakes during the day.

All my friends are dating now and they keep telling me that i need to start dating, but my self esteem is so low cause I hate the way i look and how I feel and just cant go out into the world with confidence cause I just dont have any. 3 girls i asked out rejected me in the past few weeks..I even created a profile on match.com and no one is responding to my emails.

I took my first course of antiparasitic meds and will start the second one next week...havent felt any changes yet and I got extremely constipated during my trip last week and was using enemas just to relieve myself because the bloat was so unbearable.

This is not an attempt to be dramatic and draw attention, but i am absolutely disgusted with myself. Im disgusted how i look, im disgusted how i have to go to the market every 3 days just to by the same food over and over again, im disgusted how everyone around me has great health and can eat whatever they want and how I feel like im living in a dark cave every day of my life. I cant do anything I enjoy...I cant exercise or lift weights cause it aggravates my reflux, I cant play hockey anymore cause my back is all messed up, I cant bike because my bladder muscles are so weak that any strain or pressure on my pelvis will result in urinary urgency, I cant do anything because everything I ever enjoyed in my life has been taken from me and all the damage i sustained is irreversible and its just never gonna get better...I'm disgusted at how my chances of meeting women are destroyed because of all my problems...you may tell me all it takes is the right girl, but in this day and age no sane girl will want to be involved with me and all my issues..im sorry they just wont. I had to hide so much from the last girl that I dated to the point where I actually sabotaged the relationship just cause i couldnt conceal stuff anymore.

Every single day I think of something positive to prevent me from doing myself in and thats the only thing keeping me alive now...my family, friends, etc...but what will happen someday when my family members are gone and all my friends are married with kids and i'm a lonely grumpy old man with nothing but a life full of regrets? then what? If it comes to that i will probly just start doing drugs every day until i become a vegetable.

Sorry for singing my old tune. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me b itch and moan...you are all exceptional people and I wish I had all of your strength and courage to go on, but whatever courage I have left is waning by the day. I want to turn this all around believe me..its not like i am unwilling..I just need to feel better

[CecilyF]

Hang in there. I feel your pain, frustration and loss of *normal* life. I am fairly new, December '09, but I am beginning to see that everyone experiences days/weeks of depression. I have no words of wisdom, but praying and wishing you peace.

[CecilyF]

I meant to tell you that I have a problem of looking 9 months preg one day and not the next

[Wolicki]

Jason,

Have you seen a therapist yet? If you haven't, get on the phone now and make an appointment.

[jasonD2]

Therapy won't help..I need to feel physically better...thats the only way my mental health will improve

[bittykitty]

I completely understand where you are coming from.I've been dealing with this for a year now,but very recently have almost completely lost my appetite.Seems like I react to everything I put in my mouth that isn't fruit,rice cakes,sunflower seed spread, or coffee with goat's milk and honey.Laid on the couch today after a reaction last night,listened to people outside enjoying the beautiful day, and cried.You are not alone at all,don't feel that way.

[stillight]

I'm fairly new at this gluten intolerance things but I definitely feel your pain. I often go through times where I just wish I was "normal".

Listen have you considered taking your interests and using them in a new way? You say you like hockey, what about coaching a kids' hockey team? I know this may seem like an unattractive option, but I think you will find that a great way to take a break from your own medical issues is to focus on someone else.

I am a new substitute teacher, which is my passion, and when I am at school I rarely have time to stop and think about the pain and bloating in my left side, and I'm too busy and focused on other things to mind that I ate gluten free crackers, grapes and broccoli for lunch for the past three days.

I mean it's worth a try right?

About the dating, sometimes it's better to just focus on self-improvement first. Start investigating new interests and find ways that you can still enjoy life. I know it's hard but you can't let your health issues control you. It's all about finding ways to enjoy your life despite not feeling the greatest. Once you have yourself in a better place dating will happen much more naturally I think.

There is nothing fair about your circumstances, but you can't let them defeat you. I really hope you start to feel better soon, but even more I hope you start to feel happier soon.

[tarnalberry]

Therapy won't help..I need to feel physically better...thats the only way my mental health will improve

Wrong. Those with chronic physical conditions - especially chronic pain conditions - know this well; you CAN improve your mental health even when you can't improve your physical health. No more excuses.

(I'm the designated "tough love" poster for the day. Or something like that. )

[ravenwoodglass]

Therapy won't help..I need to feel physically better...thats the only way my mental health will improve

NO NO NO Therapy will help you learn to cope with what you are having to deal with.

This concerns me greatly-

"Every single day I think of something positive to prevent me from doing myself in and thats the only thing keeping me alive now"

You need to stop making excuses and find the strength to ask for help.

As to thinking you would never heal, well if I could heal anyone can. I couldn't even walk across or room unaided, was showing signs of demetia, couldn't use my hands and life was so filled with pain that if I hadnt had my kids I couldn't have gone on. I never, ever expected to feel as good as I do now. Do I still have a bit of damage, yeah but it is nothing I can't handle.

It took me a long time to admit that I needed help dealing with a lot that stemmed from being so ill for so long but I finally did almost a year ago. I am so glad I did. Therapy isn't always easy but it really can help. It took me 7 years to seek it out. That was a long time wasted. I hope it doesn't take you that long.

[jerseyangel]

(((hug)))

Jason, please look into therapy. You don't think it will help in your current frame of mind, but it will. I understand how you feel--believe me. I think you're stuck--and there's no shame in that. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith--we'll all still be here for you, I promise

[boysmom]

...what will happen someday when my family members are gone and all my friends are married with kids and i'm a lonely grumpy old man with nothing but a life full of regrets? then what?

Therapy won't help..I need to feel physically better...thats the only way my mental health will improve

Jason, in light of the above, what do you have to lose? You're already miserable and depressed. Therapy won't make you feel any worse than you already do, so it's worth taking the chance that just *maybe* it can help. Please, for your own sake, make the call ASAP. It may be the difference between a life of misery and one in which you can regain the confidence you've lost in your current condition.

BTW, I haven't followed all of your story but you made reference to all of your damage being permanent and I'd just suggest to you that doctors don't know everything. My husband's grandfather was told he'd never walk again after a farming accident and he was still walking well into his 80's. Even if you don't believe in miracles you can have hope that the doctors could be, and often are, wrong. They're just sharing their best guess based on their training and experience.

[kareng]

Jason!

I have been on vacation skiing which was some fun & very depressing - no stamina, food & beer everyone else enjoying, & my Hub saying things like : "Remember, we used to sit on that deck of that restuarant with the lovely view & enjoy glutenous & unhealthy beverages & junk food. What fun that was!"

Anyway, enough about me.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Remember, you have friends here.

Also, I think that when you can get those stupid, monsterous creatures out of your insides, you will start to feel better & deal better.

[Wolicki]

Alright Jason, you're not gonna like this, but I am going to say it anyway. You have to get some help from a professional. Anytime someone makes a suggestion that would do you a lot of good, you blow it off as if you know all the answers. You obviously don't know all the answers. And if you stopped for a minute and listened to all the wonderful people here, who are truly concerned about your welfare, you would be so much better off.

You post about all your woes, and the kinds people here offer advice and what has worked for them. 9 times out of ten, you think it's phooey, ie wheat shampoo is ok for you.

And part of this community is helping each other. You post only about yourself and your issues and won't take any of the helpful advice. Therapy is what you need right now, not a woman. How on earth could you possibly function in a relationship when you say you're thinking of doing yourself in?

New people here, please do not take this the wrong way. I am trying to help someone who will not listen, but keeps asking for help. The first step is to help yourself! Get on the phone and call a therapist for an appointment, and stick with it. All of the emotional turmoil is making your physical issues worse!

I just can't sit by anymore and watch you go down, down, down. Don't you think you're worth fighting for?

[sandsurfgirl]

Jason, listen to all of us. PLEASE. You have to get therapy. You have to. Read your post and look at what you are saying. Doing yourself in. Growing old and alone. These are not safe thoughts to be having and you are in a very BAD place right now.

You CAN get past this and you can get better. But you need mental and emotional strength and stamina to get through this. You are still young! You still have lots and lots of life left. You are worth fighting for. Your life is worth fighting for!

We are not tired of hearing you jerk and moan. We are all concerned for you and we feel your pain Jason. You are enduring such difficult trials with your help and what you are going through would crumble any of us.

Going for therapy doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you less of a man or anyting like that. A therapist can help you find the inner strength to not only survive but to triumph.

{{HUGS}} I am praying for you and I will continue to pray for you. Please be safe and take care of yourself. If not for you, then do it for your family and friends.

[sandsurfgirl]

I was just thinking that severe caloric restriction like that when you didn't have enough to eat can also contribute to your depression because of blood sugar issues, etc.

[Link]

Jason,

Wow. I was really moved by your note. I can totally relate to how you are feeling; I think many of us can. GI/Celiac Disease is totally life altering... mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's tough to deal with...for all the reasons you mentioned. It stinks...no doubt about it. I hate having GI. I hate that all my kids have it...some with serious problems. But I can't change any of it. I have to accept it, deal with it, and learn to look forward to all the same meals with all the same food, day after day. But I now I eat to live, instead of living to eat. I used to be a gourmet cook...it was my passion. Now I channel that passion into being able to create a meal without gluten, casein, corn, soy, eggs, or yeast and actually have it taste like something I want to eat.

You need to take control of your condition and learn to help yourself. You are so young and have your entire life ahead of you. Sure you'll have to make some adjust-ments and, no, it won't be easy...who ever said life was easy? But, I agree with most everyone else in suggesting/advising some counseling. It will help you put things into the proper perspective and see what really matters. You need to concentrate on healing yourself before becoming involved in a relationship that will stress you out in your current state of health.

Also, maybe a nutritionist could help you plan some of your meals; maybe offer some suggestions about food variety. Jason, for your own good, you should try to be open to the suggestions from those of us who are in the same boat as you. Some of us struggle with it every day...just like you. You really aren't stuggling alone. We're all here to support you.