Friend Frustration!

[The Glutenator]

I am spending a night at a cottage with some girlfriends, and was really looking forward to it. I wondered if everyone minded eating gluten-free so, for once, I would be like everyone else. Only 4 of us going so very manageable. The other girls were in, so I suggested:

-picking up sandwiches from a local gluten-free restaurant for dinner on the way up the first night

-I would make a dessert to have up at the cottage

-gluten-free muffins and fresh fruit for breakfast

-Salad with grilled chicken and a side of nachos for lunch

All of these are very easy and liked by everyone, so it seemed like, for once, all would go smoothly. The hostess, however, made it way too complicated! She decided to order us sushi instead for the first night...OK, now I have to go to the sushi place, make sure the order contains some rolls I can eat, and ask them to package anything I can't eat separately for cc issues...way more complicated than each getting a sandwich. Then, she decided that wraps were easier for lunch than the salad. We all know that gluten-free bread products are hit or miss, and I know the type of wraps she got are kinda brutal. Also, al ot of deli meats have gluten. So, after hearing all this, I said "you know what, its OK I'll just bring my own meals. Thanks for trying, but it is becoming hard so I'll take care of myself." Then, she got super defensive about it all! So...I suggested doing the grocery shopping with her to make sure everything was safe, but she gave a big no to that too! The initial meal plan I made was very safe and easy. If she didn't want to go for it, my friend should have just said so and I would have done my own thing. Now, I have to secretly take gluten-free meals, in case the stuff she bought has gluten, but not show her or else it will hurt her feelings. It's ridiculous! She is putting way to much pressure on herself and me. I realize celiac is my problem, so if she didn't like my suggestions, just let me do my own thing and get over it...I am and it would be easier on us all! Sorry for the rant, but I am frustrated. This is a new friend and she doesn't understand at all. Last time I try to get even just 3 people on board for 2 meals. Gah!

[kayo]

Now, I have to secretly take gluten-free meals, in case the stuff she bought has gluten, but not show her or else it will hurt her feelings.

No you don't as she clearly had no problem hurting your feelings by saying yes to your well thought out plans and then changing them. Does she not understand that this is a health issue and not some fad diet? You have offered to bring your own food so do just that for your own piece of mind. Don't hide your food or be ashamed. Own it. The more confidence you show for your health the more others will recognize it's importance. It's nice that your friend thinks she can handle this but she can't. Unless you eat like this day to day it's hard to understand. It's not just buying the right things but it's also being mindful of preparation, storage, and cross contamination. Follow your gut and do what is best for you and your health.

[The Glutenator]

Thanks. By trying so hard to be considerate, she is actually being inconsiderate.

[K8ling]

You just need to tell her that YOU KNOW what you can and can't eat. And if she doesn't want you to eat your food? TOUGH. You have to do what is best for you, and if that means hurting a few feelings then it has to happen. I just learned this and am finding my "good food" voice (and using it too yay!!). It feels like she's also a bit of a control freak since she didn't like not being in charge.

Don't eat in secret, just explain it. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

My sympathy is definitely with you!

[GlutenFreeManna]

Ugh, how frustrating! Sounds like she might be one of those people that thinks eating gluten free means you just can't have bread. She probably thought the sushi would be safe and who knows what she was thinking for the wraps, but I know some people think flour tortillas are not made from wheat .

I would just take my own food and if anyone asks tell the truth, that you wanted to sure you don't get sick so you can just enjoy your time with them. Maybe you could also take some extra gluten free snacks or baked goods to share to show them that gluten free does not mean you are a health food freak (although I know some of us are health food freaks, there is definitely a wealth of gluten free junk food ).

[looking4help]

I like the idea of the gluten free snacks to share. Many people tend to like our snacks and are shocked that we eat items with flavor! As for your food yes, own it. It's not her issue so unless SHE makes it a problem then I would just happily eat your own food and I am not real sure if I would take the time to "explain" it again. I mean gosh you have already explained it before obviously that is why you suggested the meals in the beginning. GEEEZZ!! Some people just don't get it.

I have gotten to where I don't explain anything unless someone cares to ask me. I just dealt with a friend in my house near dinner time and he smelled the food. He commented how good it smelled. He was so shocked to hear that I had prepared it. Then he asks so THAT is gluten free too???? I am like yes. (of course I was thinking WELL YEA DUMBAS*)

Instead I smiled and politely offered him some and he made a horrible face and said ewww no! I just made a mental note for the next time I am at his house and he offers me some gluten food of his and I just may make the same horrible face and say ewwww NO!

Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I am just really tired of people thinking this is just a fad, that it's all in our heads or that we eat horrible food that must taste like the bottom of their trash can or something.

Signing off for now to stop ranting at inconsiderate, rude people.

Ugh, how frustrating! Sounds like she might be one of those people that thinks eating gluten free means you just can't have bread. She probably thought the sushi would be safe and who knows what she was thinking for the wraps, but I know some people think flour tortillas are not made from wheat .

I would just take my own food and if anyone asks tell the truth, that you wanted to sure you don't get sick so you can just enjoy your time with them. Maybe you could also take some extra gluten free snacks or baked goods to share to show them that gluten free does not mean you are a health food freak (although I know some of us are health food freaks, there is definitely a wealth of gluten free junk food ).

[Skylark]

You have an interesting idea of friendship. I would not be calling this person a "friend".

[Takala]

Ditch her, you don't need "friends" like this.

It would be one thing if she had agreed to, and then stuck with, the menu. But she has "control" issues. When she said "no," to the mutual shopping trip to check for ingredients, I would have cancelled at that point. And furthermore, I would have politely, but pointedly told her why.

Notice that she's forcing you to eat all of her food choices and you are supposed to go along with it.

Meanwhile, you end up eating what is likely to be unsafe or cross contaminated food, and she still gets to be supposedly a martyr about it, when you end up getting sick anyway.

[psawyer]

With "friends" like that, you don't need any enemies.

[Tigercat17]

I won't call her a friend either. Seems like she just doesn't get it. Bring your own food & take care of yourself. I bring my own food all the time to family & friends houses and they completely understand. I talk about the celiac disease a lot just to bring more awareness of celiac & to help others. I won't want them to worry about getting me sick & I can enjoy my food & the company more without worring that I'm not going to feel good the next day. Be firm but polite.

Hugs!

[mommyto3]

No you don't as she clearly had no problem hurting your feelings by saying yes to your well thought out plans and then changing them. Does she not understand that this is a health issue and not some fad diet? You have offered to bring your own food so do just that for your own piece of mind. Don't hide your food or be ashamed. Own it. The more confidence you show for your health the more others will recognize it's importance. It's nice that your friend thinks she can handle this but she can't. Unless you eat like this day to day it's hard to understand. It's not just buying the right things but it's also being mindful of preparation, storage, and cross contamination. Follow your gut and do what is best for you and your health.

Well said! Be firm and "Own it" (I love that!). She needs to understand the importance to your health. Geesh, I just don't get what the big deal was with you planning out the meals. If it were my friend who had a health issue I wouldn't think twice. We would eat what she eats and that's that...and I know that would be the case even before I developed this condition!

Good luck and hope you're able to enjoy your trip )

[K8ling]

I just made up an "Imma Own It" dance. My toddler is now doing it. It's like the cabbage patch with some washing machine and lawnmower tossed in. And my son just added booty shaking. While dancing sing "I've got celiac disease and I OWN THIS ?!#*$!! All you wheat eaters can eat on your own! Imma eat all my awesome gluten-free goodies!!" Yeah I know it doesn't rhyme.

[The Glutenator]

Back from the cottage and it was OK. I went to the sushi place before we left to ensure there were no cc problems and brought a cake for the first night. I was pretty frustrated when from breakfast and lunch she didn't buy any of the brands I suggested but just got anything "gluten free". I still at the stuff, but would have eaten better on my own. She also got different stuff for all the gluten eaters, so there goes the whole "wanna feel like everyone else" thing. For shared stuff like cheese I made sure we used clean knives and cutting boards and that everyone grabbed slices before it touched their gluteny foods. She did say "well, at least you won't have to worry about all this soon once you have adjusted to the diet and can cope better!" Oh man, some people just don't get it! I am not TRYING to be a pain! For dinner last night, we were going to a restaurant and I did put my foot down when we pulled up to a rad-side grill with burgers, fries, and chicken fingers...no way I would be able to get anything there! We went to a place with very limited options anyway, but I was able to get plain grilled meat and baked potato at least. Oh life!

[GlutenFreeManna]

Back from the cottage and it was OK. I went to the sushi place before we left to ensure there were no cc problems and brought a cake for the first night. I was pretty frustrated when from breakfast and lunch she didn't buy any of the brands I suggested but just got anything "gluten free". I still at the stuff, but would have eaten better on my own. She also got different stuff for all the gluten eaters, so there goes the whole "wanna feel like everyone else" thing. For shared stuff like cheese I made sure we used clean knives and cutting boards and that everyone grabbed slices before it touched their gluteny foods. She did say "well, at least you won't have to worry about all this soon once you have adjusted to the diet and can cope better!" Oh man, some people just don't get it! I am not TRYING to be a pain! For dinner last night, we were going to a restaurant and I did put my foot down when we pulled up to a rad-side grill with burgers, fries, and chicken fingers...no way I would be able to get anything there! We went to a place with very limited options anyway, but I was able to get plain grilled meat and baked potato at least. Oh life!

What the heck does she mean?!? This right here tells me she thinks you are on some kind of fad diet that you could choose to not follow for a weekend. Does she think you are going to magically become healed and not have to eat gluten free? What did you say to her? Did your other friends back you up? I would avoid this "friend" in the future unless you can reach a better understanding with her that this is for your HEALTH and NOT A DIET CHOICE YOU MADE! Argh! I'm really frustrated for you. At least you managed to make it through without getting glutened.

[The Glutenator]

I think they don't understand the cc. I said will always have to use clean cutting surfaces, utensils, etc. They, however, "know someone else with celiac who doesn't worry about it" and think that after I am gluten-free for a longer period of time I can do the same. I explained that maybe the person they know has a a gluten intolerance of gluten allergy. In that case, if they can't feel any symptoms they are fine to be a bit lenient because they aren't hurting themselves. For a celiac like myself, even if I become less sensitive to the cc it will still do the damage to my intestines so no matter what I will always have to be this strict. Still, kinda blank stares and I'm pretty sure they think I am over-doing it. Very frustrating. This is also the person who asked if, "like, my PhD can be done in a summer and if I all the work I do at the university collecting data is a side-job because, like, PhD's aren't full time, right?"

[GlutenFreeManna]

I think they don't understand the cc. I said will always have to use clean cutting surfaces, utensils, etc. They, however, "know someone else with celiac who doesn't worry about it" and think that after I am gluten-free for a longer period of time I can do the same. I explained that maybe the person they know has a a gluten intolerance of gluten allergy. In that case, if they can't feel any symptoms they are fine to be a bit lenient because they aren't hurting themselves. For a celiac like myself, even if I become less sensitive to the cc it will still do the damage to my intestines so no matter what I will always have to be this strict. Still, kinda blank stares and I'm pretty sure they think I am over-doing it. Very frustrating. This is also the person who asked if, "like, my PhD can be done in a summer and if I all the work I do at the university collecting data is a side-job because, like, PhD's aren't full time, right?"

Wow, yeah I have had some people that know celiac's that aren't as sensitive as well and it really makes it harder to explain that even a little bit of cc makes me very sick for days. A friend of a friend just has DH as a symptom and doesn't always eat strictly gluten free when out because her only symptom is the rash. Fortunately when I described my horrible symptoms to my friends (and many of them knew I was too sick to even work before gluten free) they were understanding and came to the realization that there are different levels of sensitivity. I even explained to them that even though their other friend isn't being careful she may still be doing damage to her body. I know for example that this friend of a friend had a miscarriage before being diagnosed with celiac. The next year after her diagnosis she had a baby. When I told my friends her miscarriage was likely caused by the gluten they were shocked that it could do that, but I am living proof because I had 3 miscarriages in 3 years while eating gluten. These are really close friends though and they understand how much I want a baby. True friends are willing to go the extra mile to help you eat safely and be healthy. I hope you can find some real friends that will understand and listen to you. I wish you luck with the PhD too! I had to take a leave of absence from my PhD program due to my health being so bad. I am just now at a point where I'm looking at going back to try to finish it.

[Skylark]

OMG! I had to take a year leave of absence too. My mental health was a wreck and I was exhausted all the time. I went back and finished my PhD so hang in there!