Sharing My Gluten Free With A Gluten Eater

[Angel M]

I have been gluten free for about 9 months, and at times, it is very difficult to live with a gluten eater. My husband tried going gluten free for a very short time, but he soon told me he couldn't give up gluten. The house is pretty much gluten free, other than some snack foods, candy, and sometimes sandwich bread for my husband. However, he eats whatever he wants when we go out to eat. Most of the time, I don't mind, but sometimes (usually when I'm feeling particularly hungry and have to watch every else eat), I wish he would wait for me to get food to eat before he starts scarfing down his food. Sometimes, I just feel very lonely when I have to watch everyone eating, and there's nothing I can do but wait for my own food. I guess I feel like if my husband waits with me once in a while, I'll feel supported and understood. Does anyone else feel this way?

Also, my husband loves to share food, and I do as well, but since I am gluten free and he isn't, sharing means I watch him eat his food, and he eats some of mine. For example, we bought cupcakes the other day (2 gluten for him and 2 gluten free for me). Even though he had his own cupcake (one was even the same flavor as mine), he wanted to taste mine. Pretty much, any time I have food, he wants to taste it or share it, even if he has his own. I know he would share with me if he could, but the reality is that he can't, as long as he continues to eat gluten. He doesn't hesitate to eat in front of me if I don't have food or enjoy a yummy dessert when I have to watch, but if I have a little treat, he expects me to share and doesn't like it if I say no. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how have you worked it out?

[Persei V.]

Well, I live with four other people, and truth be told, I am a good cook. So I am just very direct about this issue: I point they can eat any food they want, while I just can eat what I cook myself, so it's not really fair that my food has to be shared with everyone, if I can't eat anything else. Of course that he being your husband, you might not want to go to the "very direct" route, but you clearly have to set your boundaries over your own food.

Now, him refraining from eating or waiting to eat with you might more of a tricky issue. Because it's not about being fair or unfair, but about you feeling better over your own diet. The answer here is to be honest and explain how you feel about it, and that he can do something to make you feel better. If he chooses to help you, good. If not...

[tarnalberry]

He doesn't hesitate to eat in front of me if I don't have food or enjoy a yummy dessert when I have to watch, but if I have a little treat, he expects me to share and doesn't like it if I say no.

This seems to be the heart of the problem, really. That he isn't respecting your choice to not share your food. And I'd sit down and talk to him about it. It's not reasonable to expect you to share with him when he cannot share with you. Don't get me wrong, I can't fault him for asking, but he should respect your decision to keep your own food since you CANNOT have his.

I share, but not all the time.

[NorthernElf]

I'm somewhere in the middle. I have a variety of gluten-free flours & I bake & cook with them - no problem sharing. However, when out & about and I purchase a serving of something gluten-free I am less inclined to share. I have told my kids or my hubby that I watch them eat all kinds of stuff I can't, so no big deal if they can't have my stuff. I label stuff in the fridge & freezer & pantry - they are off limits without permission. My son loves these cupcakes I make and tends to ask for one when he sees them in the freezer - if I have a few I will let him but if I am down to a couple, no way...esp. if I'm not baking in the near future. My youngest said it wasn't fair one time to me when I was eating something & wouldn't share...I just called him on it & said how I watch everybody else eat stuff I can't all the time so sure it's fair !!

Good luck - share when you can, don't when your gluten-free food is limited. Pack food everywhere - I find that helps a lot if others are eating stuff I can't have, as long as I have something safe. We spend a lot of time in hockey arenas and hotels in the winter - most hotel breakfasts and arena concessions have nothing for me - I come prepared - and watch others eat all sorts of stuff. And no, on those occassions I don't share because I only brought enough gluten-free food for me.

[Adalaide]

I've been gluten free for 9 months myself. I spent the past couple months married to a gluten free husband. Two days ago that changed and I find myself again married to a gluten eater. We will be staying more or less gluten free at home so that isn't an issue, but he will be eating gluten outside the house.

Even early on when I was very emotional I never had issues with sharing. Even my cupcakes, which I get rarely. (Not more than once a month.) And I have to drive 30-40 minutes for and they cost a fortune. They are baked in a gluten free bakery and are hands down the best cupcakes I have ever had in my life, gluten free or otherwise. Why do I share? Because I want him to know how amazing my gluten free life is. He can have his stupid wheaty cupcakes whenever he wants from the grocery store, I'll wait for my cupcakes from heaven. And I share yes... a bite. Exactly one, on a clean fork. That is all. More than that and he is risking life and limb. I only let him taste, I don't let him eat.

Besides those cupcakes there isn't really anything I eat that is worth stabbing someone to death with a fork over. It's possible when he wanted to taste your cupcake that he simply wanted to know what a gluten free cupcake tasted like. I generally let my husband taste my food, always with a clean fork, so he knows that I am not missing out on anything. I never actually share in the sense that I am sharing my food when he can't share his.

As for eating in front of me? Simply as a restaurant to bring everything out at once if you are eating somewhere that serves gluten free food. If yours takes longer for whatever reason they need to stop being stupid and start cooking things appropriately to bring everything out at the same time. If it is an issue of simply not having anything to eat, as other suggested always travel with snacks. I never leave home without something to eat in my purse.

[Roda]

I offer to share with my husband all the time. At home any baked goods and meals are all gluten free so he is welcome to help himself anytime. When I buy something special for the kids and myself I still will offer, but a lot of the time he says "no thanks, you keep it for you guys I can have something else." So as Tarnalberry suggested he isn't respecting your choice. However, you need to talk to him about it because he may not know how you are feeling. Even though we want them to be mind readers they aren't.

[Juliebove]

Oh tell me about it! Gluten isn't even my problem. I do have other food intolerances. I have a combination of problems. One is GERD and I am supposed to take a pill an hour before I eat. This is hard enough to time at home, but if we are eating with other people, it can be tough. At times I just have to skip the pill and hope I don't suffer. But there is no way I can eat early after taking the pill because if I do, I will get a bezoar which is a foodball much like a hairball in a cat. It might have to be surgically removed.

But I also have to test my blood sugar and shoot insulin because I am a diabetic. And take other pills. At holiday meals, there have been times when people start clearing the table and I haven't even had a bite of food to eat! This makes me very sad. Apparently my family are fast eaters. I am not. I am a very slow eater.

Another beef that I have is that they will pass things over our food that we can't eat. There is always the chance that they will accidentally drop something on our plate and then we can't eat it. And nobody gets it. I always get, "Oh! That tiny amount won't hurt!" Nobody understands that a speck of something that makes us sick will probably make us just as sick as if we ate a whole plate of it. So we totally need to avoid it, whatever it is.

And then there is the outright cross contamination. Again, something they don't believe in. My daughter used to freak when she had to avoid gluten because her dad would be eating a burger or some bread or something like that and then just start handling her food. She would then angrily push her plate to him and say, "There! It' all YOURS now!"

And then there are the birthday dinners and lunches at places where we simply can not dine. For me? Red Lobster. I can't have any fish or seafood or dairy or eggs or chicken. I am not sure if they offer steaks but I can't digest steaks. I can eat a hamburger patty but they don't offer those. There is literally nothing on the menu that I could have there except for a plain green salad. And I don't really digest salads well so that is risky.

Or the pizza place where they do have burgers but we can not eat the fries. They are beer battered. So we would wind up paying for a burger and fries and get only the burger patty. Not going to do that! Daughter and I sat there with our small green salads and had to smell the pizza.

[kittty]

You're asking him to make a lot of sacrifices for you, and you have to ask yourself if you really think that's fair. It doesn't sound like he's going out of his way to be inconsiderate, but is just living the way he always has since before your diagnosis. Expecting your husband to go gluten free when you did was asking way too much, and perhaps he still feels resentful about that and is pushing back.

Have you talked to him about these things that are bothering you, or are you expecting him to figure it out on his own? It sounds like lack of communication is at the heart of the problem.

[shadowicewolf]

I don't mind sharing generally... if said family member doesn't take off with over half my samwhich (something that royally used to tick me off). Now? Not so much. They claim they don't like it ("its icky"). Fine, more for me.

[Adalaide]

If I was being constantly told that my gluten free food is icky I'd have a far different point of view. Instead of always offering, like I do, I'm pretty sure that I'd be stabbing people with forks. Where do they get off telling us that our delicious food sucks? I don't eat anything icky and I'd put up with that only so long before I shot back with a "no, you always say my food is icky and I won't waste one delicious bite on someone who can't appreciate it."

[pricklypear1971]

You get 3 cupcakes, he gets 2.

Really, you've got to talk with him and tell him how you feel. Lots of good suggestions above.

But I'll be honest with you....you've just got to learn to accept certain things and deal with it. It's part of dealing with the disease.

If my son wasn't my son I probably would have stabbed him with an airport spork when he scarfed down Popeyes in front if me, while I desperately searched (on crappy wifi at McCarron airport) for restaurant options that weren't temporarily or permanently closed during reconstruction (that wasn't noted on the airport online map).

My new found self control re: denying myself immediate food satisfaction, is epic and amazing and enraging. It's unfortunately, a survival skill.

[shadowicewolf]

I get that when i offer. If i don't offer, I get called "stengy" :/

Then i say, "More for me" and move on.

[user853]

I wish he would wait for me to get food to eat before he starts scarfing down his food. Sometimes, I just feel very lonely when I have to watch everyone eating, and there's nothing I can do but wait for my own food. I

Sorry. Gluten free or not, that is just plain RUDE.

[AandGsmomma]

Yeah I would be ticked off. I have offered my hubby to have one of my gluten free buns and his response "Your buns are gross. The are hard and dry and lack flavor." Well I called him on that bs and he appoligized and said that he misspoke and what he ment was that I should save the buns for myself amd he could eat anything else. Save himself from being stabbed with a fork. I would tell dh how you feel and then next time your running errands, enjoy a solo trip for a cupcake.