I Hate I Hate I Hate...

[debmidge]

Lynne

The final thing we can lose is our hope. So my special wish/prayer for you is that you don't lose hope. We've been through so much false hope in our lives, so I will be careful not to wish that - just real hope.

D.

[Judyin Philly]

ms_sillyak_, Ursula, Lynne

WOW...You guys just take my breath away.

This is one of the best threads that I've seen on here since I joined in Oct.

WHY, becasue I feel I'm getting to know you all so well. You've shared some really intimate personal parts of your life which allows us all really met our NEW FRIENDS. You know, honestly, some of my dear friends have not been as honest as you guys have been on here.

Sillyak, you have such courage. I admire you so much.

Ursula, you sure I'm not your twin sister...my God, you are so like me....your 'hidden' feelings and what you enjoy doing, and how you miss your 'old life' is so me.

Lynne, I'm coming with Karen and Deb and we are going to 'get you' out of your present FUNK becasue you sure have been able to get me out of mine. You've always helped me see my glass is 1/2 full and not 1/2 empty...

This thread has made me so sad that we really can't afford or feel good enough to travel to the shore somewhere and sit in a house with the gluten-free chef and just 'BE' and get to know each other.

As most of your know, I just returned from 2 weeks in CA that was the 'trip from hell'

I wanted to do a email to my 'contact' list of friends who helped me get mentally prepared for the trip and who have been there for me to ' pick up the pieces' of my tattered self image' after i got back.

After reading your posts here....I've done some real soul searching and learned some really valuable lessons about myself and how i let others opinions of myself affect my perspecive of 'who i really am'.

You know, since my dx, I've really gone on a internal journey and maybe that's what God has intended for me. I was sick for so long and maybe now is the time God says, 'OK, NOW IS THE TIME YOUR READY FOR THIS PERSONAL GROWTH' After 10 years of therapy, you'd think I'd gotten it but .....guess not.

God has chosen to give me a new day to live and enjoy and the SUN is shining...I could get out of bed this am and almost walk a straight line to bath room, with my cane again... but at least i didn't have to use 2 of them...I am not doubled over in pain like I have been for 2 1/2 days....

I am going to count the blessings i have today...not look back but only forward...I'm going to but the trip and past behind me...today is a new day.

Thanks Lynne, Ursula, silly for helping me so much today.

I only hope my prayers for you will help you find some internal peace.

I love you guys so much

Judy in Philly

[Judyin Philly]

ms_sillyak_, Ursula, Lynne

WOW...You guys just take my breath away.

This is one of the best threads that I've seen on here since I joined in Oct.

WHY, becasue I feel I'm getting to know you all so well. You've shared some really intimate personal parts of your life which allows us all really met our NEW FRIENDS. You know, honestly, some of my dear friends have not been as honest as you guys have been on here.

Sillyak, you have such courage. I admire you so much.

Ursula, you sure I'm not your twin sister...my God, you are so like me....your 'hidden' feelings and what you enjoy doing, and how you miss your 'old life' is so me.

Lynne, I'm coming with Karen and Deb and we are going to 'get you' out of your present FUNK becasue you sure have been able to get me out of mine. You've always helped me see my glass is 1/2 full and not 1/2 empty...

This thread has made me so sad that we really can't afford or feel good enough to travel to the shore somewhere and sit in a house with the gluten-free chef and just 'BE' and get to know each other.

As most of your know, I just returned from 2 weeks in CA that was the 'trip from hell'

I wanted to do a email to my 'contact' list of friends who helped me get mentally prepared for the trip and who have been there for me to ' pick up the pieces' of my tattered self image' after i got back.

After reading your posts here....I've done some real soul searching and learned some really valuable lessons about myself and how i let others opinions of myself affect my perspecive of 'who i really am'.

You know, since my dx, I've really gone on a internal journey and maybe that's what God has intended for me. I was sick for so long and maybe now is the time God says, 'OK, NOW IS THE TIME YOUR READY FOR THIS PERSONAL GROWTH' After 10 years of therapy, you'd think I'd gotten it but .....guess not.

God has chosen to give me a new day to live and enjoy and the SUN is shining...I could get out of bed this am and almost walk a straight line to bath room, with my cane again... but at least i didn't have to use 2 of them...I am not doubled over in pain like I have been for 2 1/2 days....

I am going to count the blessings i have today...not look back but only forward...I'm going to but the trip and past behind me...today is a new day.

Thanks Lynne, Ursula, silly for helping me so much today.

I only hope my prayers for you will help you find some internal peace.

I love you guys so much

Judy in Philly

[tiredofdoctors]

Thank you ALL for the kind words, prayers, thoughts . . . I'm O.K., I think, I'm just really weary. As I write this, my DH is in the kitchen, doing dishes and cleaning -- and never complaining. I just want this to go away. I begged my doctor the last time I saw him to make it go away -- while sobbing. I'm just too young. It's so hard to keep to keep a happy face on for everyone else. They all want to know that I'm okay with this -- and they want the old me. I have always been the person in our family (even in our extended family) who is the happy face person -- I am the comic, the clown, the one with the self-deprecating humor that settles hot tempers down and brings up poor spirits. This has been my role & function in the family since I was tiny. (well, I was NEVER tiny, but since I was very young!)

I bought this set of Revlon hair extension things after Christmas. One was a pony tail (my sister and I call it a "phoney-tail" ) I pulled my hair back and wore that to my parents' house. My dad said, "You look great. That looks great on you -- you ought to wear that all the time!" I told my husband, it's because it's what I USED to look like when I was healthy. He wants to see that. I can hardly stand it when my dad cries when he sees me walk. Or when my mom has to say, "Now, you know she's going to be O.K.", trying to convince him, when she doesn't believe it herself and she's crying. I won't go to my parents' house when I'm walking really badly. They don't know exactly how bad it is. My mom saw me walk one time the way I usually walk, and she had this frantic cry -- it was in front of my aunt who had to hold her. She just kept saying "they have to help you! they have to help you!" And my mom isn't like that . . . she's the Rock in our family -- she's the one who says -- "I KNOW you're going to be okay -- we're all going to see to that."

I REALLY hate it that my sister thinks that I have "conversion disorder" -- when a traumatic event causes you to have physical symptoms. I don't think that "traumatic events" can cause you to have anti-gliadin and anti-perkinje cell antibodies, nor sjogren's syndrome. If that was the case, I would have had these a VERY LONG time ago. She wants me to go to a Neuropsychiatrist. I asked her was it not enough that I go to a shrink for my ADHD meds, and SHE says's it's not conversion disorder, that I was evaluated at the Mayo Clinic by THEIR psychiatrist, and HE said it's not conversion disorder, that I saw a counselor for 6 months when I was first disabled to help me with the transition in my life, and SHE says it's not conversion disorder.

I think my sister just wants it to be something that will "go away".

I think that I'm really just weary right now -- I have battled this staunchly for four years now -- the last two with the neurological symptoms -- and I'm tired. I'm not going to do anything severe, nor permanent. I've been that low before because of my thyroid (see, again because of a doctor with cranio-rectal inversion), and I'm nowhere near that low. I'm just battle-weary.

I think that you guys are the greatest. I am so blessed to have friends like you -- friends that when they say, "I understand", they do. And, friends who don't dismiss that I DO sometimes have really awful feelings about this stupid disease, and who don't "gloss over" those feelings. This forum, and it's allowing me to meet all of you, has been such a Godsend. I don't think you know how much I rely upon you -- for information, for a "sounding board" for ideas, for giving me a sense of worth -- that I might be able to contribute to something, and for being able to laugh -- sometimes quite a lot (think: Altoids) -- and even laugh at this dumb disease. Again, I think you are the greatest.

I'm going to have to drop my computer off at the IT place that Toshiba uses for its extended warranty repair -- and the "gentleman"(?) with whom I spoke told me to expect "at least two weeks -- probably three -- I'm backed up" (him and me both just a little humor for those who know), so I will be absent from my connection to the outside world for awhile -- not gone, just repairing. (I don't know why, but I got this picture of the Wizard of Oz characters when they were finally at the Wizard's palace -- I feel like the scarecrow getting new stuffing -- although my favorite is the Cowardly Lion). So, in about three weeks, I can click my heels, and come back "home". I'll talk to you guys then. Until then, take care, and if there is any talk that could possibly cause trouble, get someone kicked off, etc., save it for me so that I won't be out of the loop! I love you all . . . . (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) Lynne

[jerseyangel]

Lynne--We'll miss you while you're gone! If anything "good" happens, I'll be sure to let you know when you get back

[mouse]

Thanks Lynn for the posting. We all needed to hear from you. We will be looking forward to your return and all the wonderful advice that you give us.

[Canadian Karen]

Lynne,

Told ya there would be a collective sigh of relief on this thread when you finally posted!!!

By the way, glad to see you using your new avatar!

We will be going through some serious Lynne withdrawals until you get your computer back!! LOL!

We luv ya!

Hugs.

Karen

[Canadian Karen]

I have more!:

I REALLY dislike cleaning my bathrooms (think one celiac with chronic diarrhea and twin 5 yr old boys with lousy aim).

I HATE the feeling of helplessness when you are worried about a friend on-line but have no way of knowing if they are okay because your only contact with them is through the wires of a computer!

I strongly dislike the "doggy poop spring cleaning" that needs to be done in the backyard when the snow melts...

I really, really dislike rap. I truly believe it incites violence.

I really dislike being in a line-up at Walmart when you really, really have to "let one go".

I really dislike people who spray their lawns with all kinds of chemical crap and I forever have to make sure my kids and dog don't walk on it (or breathe it in).

I really dislike when above said people continue to spray their lawns with chemical crap even after the city passed a by-law banning it.

I really dislike litterbugs.

I HATE spiders. Can you say "arachnophobia???"

Okay, gotta get back to another thing that I strongly dislike:

Doing laundry.

Hugs!

Karen

[Judyin Philly]

I HATE the feeling of helplessness when you are worried about a friend on-line but have no way of knowing if they are okay because your only contact with them is through the wires of a computer!

Me too Karen

Judy in Philly

[jerseyangel]

Yep--me too!

[jenvan]

Deb and Lynne-

My heart really ached for both of you this morning when I read your posts here. Another reminder to me that we live in a broken world and that that brokeness carries over into creation, our body, our relationships... I yearn for the day when we can all be made whole. My hope though is that you two can experience glimpses of that in this life. I wish I had a way to bring tangible relief to both of you. I am also a believer that our real character often comes out in trials...and I think you two handle yourselves so well in light of all you carry.

Lynne, even if you cannot, I can think of positive things about you. You have a great spirit that has encouraged many folks here and even in your great struggles you have cared enough to remain involved here. I really respect that about you. Many individuals would have choosen to withdrawal or come here only seeking for his or herself. Your sense of humor is an inspiration--you cheer other people! That speaks volumes to me about who you are. Wish I could stop by sometime at hang out with you at your house and that for a few moments isolation would be far from your mind.

Deb, you have had more than your share of hardships. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for the basic things--being able to work, having a husband that can work and being able to provide for ourselves. I can't imagine the amount of anxiety you live with at times-trying to hold everything together. And I am so sorry you have people in your life that take from you and don't give back. I hope that a true friend would come into your life and that somehow you and your husband would begin to experience more of an abundant life.

[Guest BERNESES]

Deb and Lynne- This board would not be the same without BOTH of you. And Deb- you are right. The one thing we always have is hope. I have hope for both of you (and HUGS too), Beverly

[debmidge]

Lynne,

You are a constant friend to all of us. Your encouragement to each one of us on an individual level in spite of the pain and discomfort and heavy-heartedness you carry is remarkable.

You have an absolute fan club in all of us. I wish I lived near you to stop by and share a cup of coffee/tea with you. You have been blessed with the gift of sharing yourself and I know I for one thank you for your presence here.

Deb

[MallysMama]

Wow!! I loved this post! (Even though I hate that it took so long to read! ) There were so many people's posts that I wanted to respond to - but now...8 pages later...I don't remember! So - here I go with my own "hate" list!

-I hate when people leave their blinkers on after changing lanes.

-I hate finding out that a cereal I've eaten my whole life (Corn Pops) has Wheat in it....and having to hold back my tears till I get back to my car.

-I hate that my hubby's job training takes so much time (Highway Patrol)...and once he's done - his job will take even more time!

-I hate dropping $1700 on a stupid house payment.

-I hate paying $4.50 for a box of gluten-free cookies - when there are only 9 small cookies in the whole box!

-I hate spending money on Gluten-free food. Period!

-I hate that after reading someone's post about Milky Ways ingredients being changed (also my fav. candy bar)...that I now need to check EVERYTHING before I eat it!

-I hate that I was diagnosed so early in life and that I don't know anything technical about Celiac.

-I hated being in elementary and not getting to eat the special birthday treats kids would bring in for their b-days.

-I hated have to eat a different dinner when the rest of my family ate something else.

-I hated thinking that my sister's resented the attention I got growing up because of my disease.

-I hate that since I've been married I haven't made a big deal about having Celiac - to the point that now that I'm trying to be better - my hubby doesn't even know what "Celiac" is!!

-I hate when people "forget" I have celiac and offer me a food I can't eat (especially when the person is a family member or friend).

-I hate that now I know having Celiac is a HUGE deal....no one else seems to understand what a big deal it is....and wishing I could turn back the clocks and have made it a bigger deal in my life earlier.

-I hate that I'm still awake - knowing my daughter will be up at the crack of dawn wanting to play.

-I hate that I read about some of your health concerns...and connecting it to myself - not realizing it was even a concern that was connected to Celiac (mood swings, memory, exhaustion, etc).

-I hate that I, too, have lost some of the "Zest" for life - and have gotten too tied up in being exhausted.

-I hate one of the managers at work who does the schedule - for scheduling me (even though I requested it off a month in advance) on the night of my anniversary.

-I hate that I don't have the guts to contact a manager at a restaurant to make special arrangements for what I eat. And I hate that I eat food I shouldn't eat because I'm a coward.

-I hate that I can't seem to be 100% gluten-free...because it doesn't affect me as badly as some of you.

-I hate when I have to leave my daughter with a babysitter when my hubby's and my schedules overlap.

-I hate feeling "stupid" - after being a stay-at-home mom (or maybe it's from mind problems caused by eating gluten?)....and not knowing what to say when I'm with other adults.

-I hate being different.

-I hate that I don't ever want to be intimate with my hubby because I'm so exhausted.

-I hate that even though he tries to understand - he doesn't.

Hmmm...okay. At first, when reading this post, I wasn't sure I could think of anything to "hate"... but as I got going - wow - it got easier to unload! I had meant for my post to be funny and entertaining.. but I guess I have more negative feelings than I realized! Sorry for unloading all that! I guess I need to work my way over to the I LOVE post as well!

[Guest Viola]

I hate that I'm going to a funeral service for one of my friends today. I'm really going to miss her. Training dogs and painting just isn't going to be the same.

[jerseyangel]

I hate that I'm going to a funeral service for one of my friends today. I'm really going to miss her. Training dogs and painting just isn't going to be the same.

Shirley,

Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your friend. I know this is a very difficult day for you. Take care.

[Judyin Philly]

I hate that I'm going to a funeral service for one of my friends today. I'm really going to miss her. Training dogs and painting just isn't going to be the same.

SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS VIOLA--

I'LL BE SENDING CYBER HUGS YOUR WAY.

JUDY IN PHILLY

[penguin]

I hate that I'm going to a funeral service for one of my friends today. I'm really going to miss her. Training dogs and painting just isn't going to be the same.

I'm so sorry about your friend. Please except my condolances (((hugs)))

[Canadian Karen]

Viola,

Sending you hugs through cyberspace.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Karen

[Guest BERNESES]

Viola- I'm so sorry about your friend. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((((Hugs)))), Beverly

[Guest nini]

my sincerest condolences on the loss of your friend, may your memories of her comfort you in your time of grieving.

[jenvan]

So sorry Shirley...I will say a prayer for you today. Sounds like you two had a lot in common...

[key]

Shirley,

So sorry to hear about your friend. You will be in my prayers.

Monica

[Guest Viola]

Thank you so much all of you for your support. It's been an emotional day. The service was wonderful with standing room only in the hall. Elizabeth was a very special lady. Her family is having a hard time with it. She really is going to be missed by all of us.

She died on Thurs. morning. We actually drove by her car while the police etc. were still there. It turns out that she died of a massive heart attack before she hit the tree. We are all thankful that she didn't hit any other traffic. Fortunately it was fairly early with little traffic on the highway.

Having you all around for support has meant a great deal, Thank You

[Guest Robbin]

Shirley, My sincerest condolences to you, dear lady. I lost one of my closest friends a year ago next month, and the void will forever be there. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}} and prayers to you.