Advise Please? Warning - Long!

[qwertyui]

Hi!

I would appreciate if I could get some feedback or advise. I wrote on the cross contamination thread today regarding my inlaws. They just don't get it - they try hard but are not with it.

For instance, last night, we were invited over to dinner. When we arrived there was cheese and crackers put out. They separated the rice crackers from the other, but they were in the same basket. Dinner was stuffed sole, and salmon for me, all cooked on the same baking sheet in the oven. When I bit into my vegetables, there was stuffing under the corn. I ate around the vegetables, and what ever could have been touched by the stuffing, but why would it be there? I have always not been able to eat gluten since I met them and their son. They made sure that there was no gluten in the dessert.

I have told them time and time again, that if they want to have me bring my own food on occaison, when they are having gluten type food, it would be my pleasure, because then I know what I am eating. They always seem to get insulted and I am a newlywed and this is not how I want my relationship with my inlaws.

Easter is coming. They have invited us over for dinner with other family members. I told them about the gluten in the frozen turkeys, so they said they will get a fresh turkey. Will this be okay? I can't get sick everytime I go there. I feel so rotten today.

On top of it all, we are trying to get pregnant, and I can't get glutened all the time. I'm older, and afraid that if I am not clean, I won't be able to concieve. I even told me MIL that and still this happens. I told DH that if this doesn't stop, I can't eat there anymore. It would cause a rift for sure.

[angel-jd1]

Stick to your guns and don't compromise your health!!! These folks are just going to have to get used to what you can and can not eat. You are in their family now!! If all else fails, take your own food. They may look at you funny the first couple of times, but they will get used to it. You really can't keep eating around their stuffing and risking all of the cross contamination like you currently are. That is just not a smart move. They shouldn't even be asking you to do this!! Geesh!

Soooooooo take your own plate and enjoy the company of the in-laws. It's safer.

-Jessica

[key]

I really don't know how to make them understand. You could try and find some accurate information about cross contamination to show them. My grandmother in law doesn't get it, but I just take my own food. I don't trust her. Until she acts genuinely concerned, then it isn't worth the risk for my son and I. SHe makes rude comments about how her food isn't good enough for me, but I just have to ignore her. It has gotten easier as time goes by, because I think she realizes this is real and also that I don't care what she thinks. My husband tries to throw comments to her that help her understand, but she doesn't. If I were you, I would explain to them nicely that your food can have nothing to do with there food and the risk of cross contamination, etc. Then I would see how that goes over and if it doesn't then I would just show up with my own food. Just think about them not being careful with your food and then eating out. This just dawned on me for some reason.

Monica

[jeffreyd]

I say divorce the guy now.

just kidding....good luck. Believe it or not, my mother in law is also Celiac as well as her mother.

So, I much prefer going to my inlaws for dinner than I do my own mother's house, she doesn't have a clue either.

Hi!

I would appreciate if I could get some feedback or advise. I wrote on the cross contamination thread today regarding my inlaws. They just don't get it - they try hard but are not with it.

For instance, last night, we were invited over to dinner. When we arrived there was cheese and crackers put out. They separated the rice crackers from the other, but they were in the same basket. Dinner was stuffed sole, and salmon for me, all cooked on the same baking sheet in the oven. When I bit into my vegetables, there was stuffing under the corn. I ate around the vegetables, and what ever could have been touched by the stuffing, but why would it be there? I have always not been able to eat gluten since I met them and their son. They made sure that there was no gluten in the dessert.

I have told them time and time again, that if they want to have me bring my own food on occaison, when they are having gluten type food, it would be my pleasure, because then I know what I am eating. They always seem to get insulted and I am a newlywed and this is not how I want my relationship with my inlaws.

Easter is coming. They have invited us over for dinner with other family members. I told them about the gluten in the frozen turkeys, so they said they will get a fresh turkey. Will this be okay? I can't get sick everytime I go there. I feel so rotten today.

On top of it all, we are trying to get pregnant, and I can't get glutened all the time. I'm older, and afraid that if I am not clean, I won't be able to concieve. I even told me MIL that and still this happens. I told DH that if this doesn't stop, I can't eat there anymore. It would cause a rift for sure.

[Ashley]

There can never be a post too long

Time to stick up for your ownself here. Hurt someone's feelings over a trivial thing as to bring your own food or risk your health and your changes of getting pregnant? You're really going to ram it down their throats that this is serious. Sometimes you just have to flat out tell them if it doesn't get through. I mean, getting sick from CC is nothing to enjoy. Just try to make them see if it was them in your place, I think they would bring their own food as well. I know you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but, you just got to explain to them if you keep getting food CCed, it's risking a whole lot and it'd be better for everyone just to bring your own food. I hope something in here helped you, good luck =)

-Ash

[plantime]

Bring your own food, and make sure you stick to your diet. If you are a celiac that cheats, doing so one time when they can see you do it will destroy the entire food/relationship with them. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, your health and life are at stake.

[qwertyui]

Thanks for all of the support. I think that I will actially print this out and show it to them! Do you think that's a good idea?! I know that you are right. It is just so hard to to make them understand.

[TCA]

A good example of CC is to tell other's stories: My son ate gluten-free icing out of a containter that had no visible crumbs. Within an hours he was having D so bad he couldn't get to toilet in time and it lasted 3 days. He felt awful and acted awful too. It turned out the icing was used to ice a gluten cake. Even though we couldn't see anything in the container. This was during my learning phase. We then took EVERYTHING out of the house that could have gluten just to make sure it wouldn't happen again. CC is how most of us get sick and it's not just the feeling bad, but bodily harm that causes us worry.

My inlaws are clueless too, but they do try. Both times my son has gotten sick after visiting them. They're trying and still screwing up. I send all his food, but they want to fix him something and that's where the trouble starts. I'm about to have to make things stricter and I'm not looking forward to it. WW3 here we come.....

I'll be thinking of you. Good luck!

[megsylvan2]

Thanks for all of the support. I think that I will actially print this out and show it to them! Do you think that's a good idea?! I know that you are right. It is just so hard to to make them understand.

Yipes - I don't think I'd do that. Most folks don't take too kindly to being discussed on a forum in cyberspace, especially to point out the error of their ways.

Actually, I think your in-laws and all others who 'don't get it' are pretty normal in their reactions. Look at all of us who come on this forum and read and read, and still don't get it. It's a concept I'm still trying to decide if I accept or not. Unless you are the one experiencing a definite and significant direct reaction to eating gluten or cross-contamination from gluten, I think it's pretty typical not to get it. It takes awhile for that to sink in, and I think you have to have experienced it first-hand or watched someone else go through it to realize the problems it causes. I think that most people just don't believe it at first and that it is normal to think that the celiac claiming cross-contamination problems is over-reacting and going overboard. I just think it takes awhile to believe that and to have it sink in. Another thing is that most people just don't realize all the hidden sources of gluten, and it is too much to expect them to be aware of this.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd bring my own food. You can always try to explain something along the lines that, although her food is delicious and you'd love to be able to eat it, that you keep getting ill afterwards, probably from hidden ingredients. I think I'd tell her that you realize how difficult it is for those who don't live with this problem to have to cook meals without gluten, because it is in so many things that people don't realize, and that it has taken you a long time to learn what not to eat, and that it is just too much to expect others to have to be concerned with it. You can say how you'd like to make your times together pleasant and enjoyable, and if you bring your own food that can take the stress off of both of you and allow everyone to just relax and have a good time together.

Now, all of that is much easier for me to say here than for you to do, so good luck with that part, whatever you decide to do.

[Lollie]

Geez do I ever understand! My in-laws have been clueless for 10 years. I was vegitarian and had an ulcer for most of the previous 10 years, they always meat and something spicey to offer when I went to their house to eat. I really do understand. I am only 4 months into the diet, and with easter coming I know its going to be the same 'ole same 'ole. I have offered to bring my homemade mac and cheese, it has rice noodles and the sauce I make uses a gluten-free flour. I figure I will get a big helping before any one can CC the dish. I'm going to bring fruit and my own snacks....lara bars, nut thins, ect.....

I will just eat what I brought and not worry about them. I will not lose another day to illness that can be prevented by just not eating something. If their feelings get hurt, let them know that your feelings are hurt that they don't understand. I know it's hard and I have spent years now with my in-laws, but they will respect you more in the long term for taking up for yourself.

Good Luck!!!!!!

Lollie

[Carriefaith]

I have had similar problems when eating at someone else's house. In the past, I was worried about hurting people's feelings if I didn't eat their food and then I got sick and was sick for about a week. Some people just don't understand how to avoid cross-contamination. Eating potentially contaminated food at someone else's house is just not worth getting sick. Now, I have decided to bring my own food.

[lovegrov]

You can relax on the turkey. The only turkey I've ever seen that had gluten was prestuffed. If a raw turkey has gluten, it must be clearly listed. Fresh turkeys generally do taste better, but frozen ones are OK pretty much without exception.

richard

[gabby]

I went through this last Thanksgiving. I originally was just not going to show up for the big family dinner. But instead, I decided to just bring my own food. I didn't even tell anyone I was going to do it. The day before, I roasted my own turkey pieces (I only like the leg and wings....so that's all I made!). I pre-washed and chopped a lovely plain salad. Made my own dressing, which I put in a bottle. And I took along some of my roasted nuts and a couple cans of 'safe' soda, and some 'safe' snacks. I also brought along a nice big fruit platter to add to the table (I don't even eat fruit...it was just my contribution to the festivities)

When I got there, I just put my stuff in their fridge and said I had brought my own food, and then didn't make it a topic of conversation. Everyone kept trying to get me to eat a bit of this, and a bit of that, and some pumpkin pie, etc. I just said, no thanks...I'm enjoying my food!. And I kept it light and lively and just changed the conversation whenever someone wanted to talk about food/diet.

When dinner was over, I helped clear the table and we all went into the livingroom to talk, etc. I also brought along a pound of incredible fresh roasted coffee, which the host made, and everyone was able to enjoy afterwards.

It wasn't easy. and could have been tense. But by not giving in, I showed everyone how serious I am about this. If I had said, okay, I'll just have one tiny piece of pumpkin pie...then everyone would think that my celiac problem wasn't such a problem...and that I could cheat and get away with it.

So be strong. Be firm. And most of all, when in doubt.....don't. If you are in doubt about the turkey, don't eat it. If you are in doubt about the water that the brocolli and the noodles were cooked in...don't eat it. But don't rely on others to come through for you. Be prepared at all times, and show people how serious you are. Eventually, they will learn.

Hope this helps

[cgilsing]

I sooooo understand! I have the same sort of problem at my in-laws house. I have tried over and over to explain, but they just don't "get it". Really I can't blame them, because it is a lot to "get" if you don't do it on a daily basis. They seemed offended at first about me wanting to bring my own food, or refusing to eat things that I was concerned baout, so I tried to work with them and explain everything. Any time I couldn't eat something my MIL would say something about how it just wasn't right ans it shouldn't be like this or something. It didn't bother me that I wasn't eating things that I knew were going to make me sick, but I think it did them. The problem is getting people to understand that a very little bit can hurt a lot. This seems to be a hard concept to grasp What I found helped the most was my husbands support. They seeemed to think I was whinning when I said I couldn't eat someting, but when my husband dives to stop his mother from putting bread anywhere near my plate, they took it more seriously. Plus when I got pregnant I made sure to bring it up over and over again, that if I was accidentally given even a small amount of gluten it would hurt the baby. Plus I told them all the miscarrage, low birth weight, and still birth statistics associated with untreated celiac disease. We have been married two years, and I now bring my own food. I think at first they felt it was interupting their familiy meals, but after a while they got sick of trying to accomidate me and follow all the rules that they don't really understand, and they too realized it would just be easier for me to bring my own!

[moonunit]

I'm still really new at this, but I've found that a couple things have helped me to explain it to family so far:

First, I joke about it a little in a self-deprecating way and say that I'm "being militant" about the diet and that yes it sounds nutso but (in my case, not having been diagnosed) the only way to be sure that I'm not getting any gluten is to not get ANY gluten. Even if that means a different cutting board and my own tub o'butter or whatnot. If you don't know how much is too much, zero is a good way to go.

Second, when I explain it as a "wheat intolerance" or try to get into details, it doesn't really sink in... but when I say "you know how people with peanut allergies are, where they can't even be in the same county as a peanut and they freak out if someone even SAYS the word nut? Change it to wheat, and that's what I'm facing." I think the awareness of how severe a nut allergy can be is really ingrained in much of the public now -- airplane rides without peanuts, etc. have made it sort of mainstream. So they seem to understand better when I put it in those terms.

I recommend you start bringing your own food and if you get any comments just say "I love your food, but I love your son more, and if I want to grow insanely old with him and give you adorable grandbabies one of these times, I have to do things this way." Shrug, bring a dish to share, and maybe thank them for trying to accommodate you even though it hasn't been totally successful.

I don't know, one-liners generally work for me in most uncomfortable situations (people ask me all the time why on earth I would plan to have my two kids only 14 months apart on purpose, and my toss-off reply to that is "hey, I wanted twins but decided to get `em out one at a time, sure seemed like a less painful way.")

Good luck!

[qwertyui]

You people are just awesome. My husband called my MIL today and explained the situation a little more clearer, like I've done dozens of time, and I think she and my FIL may pay more attention. Thank you very much for all of your ideas. I really appreciate the time that you spent replying to my post.