Relatives In Denial(?)

[2kids4me]

I am frustrated but realize this is beyond my control. If any of you have a suggestion about my approach - I would like to hear from you.

My sister in-law has a boy (13) she is the sister of my husband, both our children are celiacs (plus more).

Sister inlaw complains about her son having stomach-aches, headaches and fatigue, esp after eating crakers or spagetti. We had a family get together earlier today - this kid looks pale, has a headache and wants to go home. I suggested she might want to get him tested for celiac since 2 of his cousins have it and there is genetic factor. She says: We cant handle that - too much work, and "A" (husband) would never give up his spagetti and bread... I replied - there are great rice pastas and gluten-free breads......she says "A" would never change his eating. I stopped responding at that point cause i was ready to tell her what selfish as** they were both being - and that her reason were not valid ones to avoid finding out why their son was so sick all the time.

When i see her again, is there any point bringing it up again or does it sound like I'd be banging on a brick wall? I feel so bad for her kid, he has had chronic stomach problems for over a year and more symptoms are starting. She blames it on him being "sensitive" and wanting attention.

[rinne]

Wow, I have a problem similar to yours. Now that I understand how devasting it can be once you hit the crisis I want my nieces and nephews to be spared but I am hitting a wall of "well, we'll see, when things aren't so busy I'll do something". Meanwhile the kids are saying to me, "you've lost a lot of weight" and so they see something is going on. I am telling them that I cannot eat gluten, bread etc., that I am ill and that I am ill because I didn't trust my gut and that they need to trust their guts as to what they can eat and what they can't. I describe to them that pizza as a lump in my stomach feeling and that it just sits there for what feels like days.

Meanwhile one of the kids is pale and doesn't seem well and I 'm very worried about him. When I look back and think of another of them I see behavior patterns of irritibility that remind me of my own irritibility when I've had gluten and another that looks very bloated lately.

I'm the aunt that's the "organic nut" so I fear they see this as some "food trip" that will make their lives inconvenient.

They been raised on processed pizza popls and eggos and such.

I don't have an "official" diagnosis and that isn't important to me but I suspect it is to them. (I had been off gluten for months other than trace amounts in soy sauce before they did the blood test.) I'm going to request the genetic testing and hopefully that will help to convince them. If the genetic test comes back without the marker then I will be glad because there is less chance that they have it but given that I have one sister diagnosed a Celiac and brothers and sisters with digestion problems I doubt that it will.

[taz sharratt]

I am frustrated but realize this is beyond my control. If any of you have a suggestion about my approach - I would like to hear from you.

My sister in-law has a boy (13) she is the sister of my husband, both our children are celiacs (plus more).

Sister inlaw complains about her son having stomach-aches, headaches and fatigue, esp after eating crakers or spagetti. We had a family get together earlier today - this kid looks pale, has a headache and wants to go home. I suggested she might want to get him tested for celiac since 2 of his cousins have it and there is genetic factor. She says: We cant handle that - too much work, and "A" (husband) would never give up his spagetti and bread... I replied - there are great rice pastas and gluten-free breads......she says "A" would never change his eating. I stopped responding at that point cause i was ready to tell her what selfish as** they were both being - and that her reason were not valid ones to avoid finding out why their son was so sick all the time.

When i see her again, is there any point bringing it up again or does it sound like I'd be banging on a brick wall? I feel so bad for her kid, he has had chronic stomach problems for over a year and more symptoms are starting. She blames it on him being "sensitive" and wanting attention.

wow this is a tough one. if she is in total denial ( sounds more like laziness than denial ) then your not gonna changs her mind and if you push the topic you may end up falling out with her. would it be possible to get your hubby to speak to her hubby, perhaps mentioning your symptoms to him he may put 2 and 2 together with his own kid. invite them over to dinner and only serve gluten-free food for all explaining in front of kids and hubby. they may feel that cos you ar C that you want everyone else to have C. ive had probs with friends that when ive told them ive got C they said " i get a bad belly when i eat cereal or bred i think i could have that! so i ask them to get tested and they wont. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. at the end of the day you can live with yourself for trying for the kids. sorry i cant help but hope the kids can get to chande thier diet at least.

[debmidge]

I hope they come to their senses real fast.....My sister in law is in denial as well, but thankfully she has no children, so it's only herself she is hurting. Maybe your nephew would consider going gluten-free on his own like sort of a test (if he's mature 13 and can/will do it).

[evie]

wow this is a tough one. if she is in total denial ( sounds more like laziness than denial ) then your not gonna changs her mind and if you push the topic you may end up falling out with her. would it be possible to get your hubby to speak to her hubby, perhaps mentioning your symptoms to him he may put 2 and 2 together with his own kid. invite them over to dinner and only serve gluten-free food for all explaining in front of kids and hubby. they may feel that cos you ar C that you want everyone else to have C. ive had probs with friends that when ive told them ive got C they said " i get a bad belly when i eat cereal or bred i think i could have that! so i ask them to get tested and they wont. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. at the end of the day you can live with yourself for trying for the kids. sorry i cant help but hope the kids can get to chande thier diet at least.

I have a similar problem even closer in relation, daughters!! the oldest has very bad osteoporosis & stomach problems + anemia. she has recently started getting IV/ something to help her osteo since nothing else had helped (got worse). she is bothered by stomach problems, has a prescription for that. second daughter has had breat cancer 5 years ago, now off tamoxifen and just started very strong periods again

(had none while on tamoxifen). she stays so pale and needs extra rest. third daughter has had gallbladder removed, a bad back and both younger ones have bone issues too. they were all here about 2 months ago when i was just starting to get a bit better and I talked to them about talking to their Dr. about possible testing. I also email many celiac related articles to them occasionally. do you think I am being too pushy or are they scared they will go thru what i have & in denial or should I just leave them alone? the oldest is in upper 50's and I think as we age it takes longer to recover. I got so suddenly worse that I just wanted to know what was the problem!! any comments are welcome. evie

[tarnalberry]

In a case like this, I think it's worth talking to her again, from the perspective of "I wanted to mention it again, because I think people may have mis-informed you about the difficulties of a gluten-free diet. The learning curve is steep, but once you get past that, it's really not that big of a deal. And it's can make you feel so much better if you really are gluten intolerant, it's just not worth risking the stunted growth and vitamin deficiencies. The diet really doesn't have to be a huge inconvenience." Addressing her misunderstanding, rather than just pushing on the testing. At the end of the day, though, you can't make her get the kids tested.

[angel-jd1]

I would print off some fact sheets and highlight the parts about CANCER, DIABETES, INFERTILITY, and all of the other nasty side effects of not following the diet. Possibly using a scare tactic would shock them out of their selfishness.

You could then either mail the sheets to them or next time you see them just give them the sheets and tell them if they have any questions or would like to talk more about it, that you are there to listen and answer questions for them.

Like everyone else has said....you can't force them into testing. It really is a shame that the kiddo is sickly and they won't face the facts, but you can't force them into it. Maybe they will come around (hopefully).

-Jessica

[mouse]

I have a hard time understanding how your sister-in-law can sit by and watch her child be sick. Won't do testing because it is not convienient. I cannot offer any advice, but as far as to what I think, I think this is a form of abuse. You are getting good advice as how to handle it in the future. It has to be so hard for you to watch this and be helpless. HUGS

[lorka150]

i would suggest (if need be) to hold out for a little bit - unless your nephew is ready - and explain to him the disease (unless he is well aware) and ask him some more questions about his health. perhaps with gentle prodding on your part, he'll go to his GP himself and ask for the bloodwork. if you or your husband are close with him, you could accompany him. i know it is sticking your nose in your external family's business, but i don't see how a mother wouldn't want what is best for her child.

[mommida]

Explain it to the 13 year-old. My sister-in-law basically did the same thing. I kept my mouth shut after the first mention of family screening when I saw symptoms. Then when he had to rush off to the bathroom, I decided he should make the decision himself. We talked about it right there in front of his mother and I told him about the testing, and where to get more information, and if he waits too long - it will only get worse. He's tasted gluten free food and ate it willingly. How a mother can't understand her son is in pain blows my mind.

Give the kid a chance to help himself. His mom may not go in the exam room with him anymore at the doctor visits.

L.

[rumbles]

Since it's summer now, - if he's out of school, and you can handle it, how about inviting him to stay with you for a week or two. Keep him on a gluten free diet while he's with you, and see if his symptoms start to subside. If they do, explain the diet to him before he leaves, then explain it to his parents when he goes home in a better condition. If his symptoms get better while he's with you, send some gluten-free snacks and foods with him, along with a list of what is and isn't safe, - and maybe a book (or a list of books) about what grains can do to the body.

[kbtoyssni]

I'd invite him over for dinner a lot so you can feed him gluten-free - maybe he'll run home and tell his parents how much better he feels when he eats at your place. Maybe you can explain to your SIL that the diet isn't that hard, you'll help her figure it out, let her check out what you keep in your kitchen to show it's not all that different than anyone else's kitchen. And assure her that her husband does not have to give up pasta and bread if he doesn't want to.

If she doesn't want to listen, though, there's probably nothing you can do.

[Guest nini]

I have the same issue with my sister... I see the signs in her entire family but she won't even consider the diet... it's a shame because the kids are always sick... and she's got eczema and depression/anxiety issues as well as tummy probs too... I've tried my best and don't know what else to do. I'm convinced my mom has it too and she refuses to get tested too.

[Daxin]

I have the exact same problem but with my mother. She refuses to be tested, and she has CLASSIC cymptoms, including a dx of FM. She has a list of other related health problems that could also be celiac.

My brother as well has immune system problems and many other issues and she will not tell him to go get tested.

It's frustrating. I do not like to see them suffer, but my mo msaid that "my little problem" is my own and her health was something else.

DW and I were stunned.

I only wish there was some way to teach them..Momsaid she went gluten free for a while, but was still eating SPELT. I emailed her some of the guides for a gluten-free diet and got no response.

Hang in there everyone, our relatives will come around eventually.