The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Mtndog]

My silly 75 year old uncle is at it again:

Daddy, how was I born?

Sign of the times?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this... .

You got Male!'"

[AndreaB]

Yep, I thought that was a good one too.

[jerseyangel]

Bev

[nikki-uk]

Why don't aliens eat clowns.

Because they taste funny

[Mtndog]

Why don't aliens eat clowns.

Because they taste funny

:lol: :lol:

Here's one:

Grow your own dope,

Plant a man!

[DingoGirl]

Well HALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sillies!!!!

good ones.

here's a funny:

UPS

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[AndreaB]

here's a funny:

[Mtndog]

OMG- hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:

What do Britney Spears and Pepsi have in common?

They both come with plastic jugs

[tom]

here's a funny:

UPS

OMG that's too much!!

I think I had to LOL on every single one.

Couldn't possibly pick a fav 3.

P.S. Did Qantas have a crash?

[nikki-uk]

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Excellent!!

[nikki-uk]

...more on the flying theme......

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los

Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought

me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[DingoGirl]

OMG- hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:

What do Britney Spears and Pepsi have in common?

They both come with plastic jugs

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

:lol:

[nikki-uk]

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a

Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries

with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten

over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. as Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds

All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party

Because You're not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock

Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling

"Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To

Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send

This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile!!

Growing older is mandatory, Growing up is optional, and Laughing at

yourself is therapeutic!

[Jestgar]

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

A long time ago I was waiting in the lobby of the company where I worked. To entertain myself I started reading the 'guest sign in book'. I noticed that someone coming to visit the president had neglected to note the reason for their visit, so I filled in the space with "sex".

[nikki-uk]

A long time ago I was waiting in the lobby of the company where I worked. To entertain myself I started reading the 'guest sign in book'. I noticed that someone coming to visit the president had neglected to note the reason for their visit, so I filled in the space with "sex".

Excellent work J!!!!

[Mtndog]

A long time ago I was waiting in the lobby of the company where I worked. To entertain myself I started reading the 'guest sign in book'. I noticed that someone coming to visit the president had neglected to note the reason for their visit, so I filled in the space with "sex".

Nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whenever i write out a check to my sister, I always write for: Sex and drugs

Bet the bank sees some funny stuff!!!

[jerseyangel]

A long time ago I was waiting in the lobby of the company where I worked. To entertain myself I started reading the 'guest sign in book'. I noticed that someone coming to visit the president had neglected to note the reason for their visit, so I filled in the space with "sex".

OMG--now THAT is funny

[tom]

Big bunch of LOL in here lately!!

Nikki!

Blimey limey! - Bravo on one and a Touche for the other!

Doesn't 117 pages mean it's time, in accordance w/ the Prophecy, for the TickleMe Anthology?

Not be too stroppy, but #15 loses all its humor (ok FINE! "humour") when it rings too true.

Jestgar & Bev!! Yes Hilarious!

[nikki-uk]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

...and finally

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[jerseyangel]

Love it, Nikki

[Jestgar]

Definitions, then and now.

'Risky Behaviour'

Then - buying something from a guy your brother's friend's roommate knows.

Now - eating in a restaurant without personally inspecting the kitchen.

'Using protection'

Then - (you know this one)

Now - Dust mask when walking by a bakery.

'Being "bad"'

Then - fill in your own experience

Now - not brushing your teeth before going to bed

'With it'

Then - knows all the coolest bands, coolest clothes, coolest hangouts...

Now - knows the best places for yoga and pilates.

any more?

[nikki-uk]

...ha ha ...life in the fast lane indeed.....

Then:/ Hoping for a BMW

Now:/ Hoping for a BM

[Mtndog]

...ha ha ...life in the fast lane indeed.....

Then:/ Hoping for a BMW

Now:/ Hoping for a BM

OMG- that's me.

Here's another one from my crazy uncle:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nu ts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot

of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell

for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining

room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,

yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female

news anchor who will, in the future, ikely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict

snow but don't get any?

A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day afterit was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.

Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".

No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing

all the way and so were half of the passengers.

[elye]

Okay, so Nikki has recruited me over here from a technical thread. How do I ease myself into such frenzied madness that is the Tickle Me thread? I have never participated in a post that lasted longer than about ten pages, so this is new, uncharted territory for me. I feel...scared...exhilerated...and under great pressure to be as silly and outright HILARIOUS as all you geniuses. You guys have become a loyal, tightly-nit family, and I feel like the new, second wife who suddenly enters the fray. I may just have to ease slowly into this....

[jerseyangel]

Nope Emily--no easing--just jump right in!

Glad you came over Looking forward to your wit and wisdom.