Relationships And Gluten..help!

[bremac]

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[Lisa]

Hey Bre:

I have been out of the dating world for almost 30 years (yikes ) so, no expert here. We live in a small town and although I kept it to myself while I was my sickest, most of the people that I knew, were aware that I was having "issues".

You were dx'd om 2001 and should have the diet down. Your friend should feel lucky, because you can cook for him and not be considered "high maintenance".

I did recently re-connect with an old friend from college. We talked about out lives in between. I told him about Celiac and my frustrations in dining out. He sent me the Triumph Dining Restaurant Guide, because he thought it would be helpful.

People surprise me every day. Be honest, be yourself and if he can't deal.........he's the wrong guy. You are a beautiful young woman, and I am sure that there will be many to choose from.

[happygirl]

Bre:

I think it all depends on how you present it....and that doesn't apply just to dating! Its not any different than having diabetes, or a peanut allergy, etc. There isn't any need to hide those medical conditions, so no need to hide this!

Its not "who" you are. You just have to eat a certain way so you can be YOU . Its not something to hide, and since you have the diet down, its just part of your routine. Be confident about it, present it as it is (Its an autoimmune disorder, I get sick when I eat gluten and it damages my intestines, so I don't eat it. But when I don't eat it, I'm healthy and can do anything else! I eat pretty normal at home, but have to be careful when I go out. I am still social, and do normal things, I just have to be careful) I'm sure he'll ask other questions, but that is a good starting point!

I was 22 when I got sick, dx'ed at 23. So I understand! Best of luck, and let us know what we can do to help!

Laura

[JerryK]

Just a stupid comment, but if the guy isn't understanding about this, that would be an indicator that he wasn't the right guy for you.

Just avoid an deep discussion about the gastrointestinal effects of gluten and you should be fine

[GeoffCJ]

You might be suprised. I'm at school getting an MBA right now, in a small program. After diagnosis, people noticed that I wasn't partaking in the frequent snacks/pizza etc. When I started explaining why, I got a mixture of sympathy (no beer? Rally, dude, that sucks.), curiosity, and a few people who were familiar. One friend even told me about a place he'd just eaten, here in the town where I go to school. he'd noticed that it had a gluten free menu and had googled it since he didn't know what it meant.

No one has made me feel like a freak, people have done their best to accomadate me, and it's not been a big deal.

My wife knows I get a bit shy about making a fuss about things, and in restaurants, she's even claimed she has the disease, and asked about items. Sweet.

And as others have said, if he can't deal with it when dating, he probably won't be able to later!

I'd suggest not making a big deal of it. Next time you are out, simple ask if the restaurant has a gluten-free menu. After ordering, say, "BTW, I don't remember if I told you, but I have celiac disease, and it forces me to be very careful about not eating gluten".

I'm sure it won't be a big deal, and if he's a good guy, he'll do what he can to help!

Geoff

[CarlaB]

You're getting some good advice.

I've been married for years, but had breakfast a few months ago with a guy I knew in college (yeah, hubby was okay with it ). It's not the same as a "date" but it also wasn't a topic I wanted to discuss at great length. I just told him I couldn't eat wheat (it seems it's usually wheat that's a problem in a restaurant), and it was no big deal.

When you mention it, you might also want to mention that you're pretty sensitive, you can't have contamination of any kind, not even from kisses!! Then he'll be happy you're looking for more and won't even talk about the gluten thing, he'll be too interested in the kissing thing.

And, I definately agree that if it's a problem for him, he's the wrong guy. What will he do when other problems come up?

[num1habsfan]

Man, you sound like me, seriously...I've never had a boyfriend (not even before I got Celiac) and being diagnosed at 19 makes it even harder now. My only real potential, who had never heard of Celiac before either, I've only seen him 4 times in the 1 1/2 years I've known him (sad, yes, but its long distance, so...).

Umm see i work things a little differently, I tell them as soon as I can, any guy I meet i tell them initially so that later on, if a relationship does develop (and hopefully will in this case for the both of us lol), there's less pressure with trying to tell them WHILE dating.

I think I would bring it up casually, its how I usually do..just add it somewhere into the daily conversations. If you're very sensative, tell him in a way he would understand it. For what I believe, a good guy would be very interested in the subject and try to remember everything you've told him, and try his hardest to work around your restrictions...and he'll be the one who dont get weirded out by telling him about the kissing rule (i'm just basing this off of what "my guy" has done so...i could be wrong lol)

I dunno if my advice helps, but I thought I'd give my input anyways! Good luck, hun

~ Lisa ~

[Jo.R]

I'd would tell him, as soon as you can without it being a big deal. You don't want to be forced to tell him when it may be emarassing (he surprises you with something you can't eat, or asks if you have an eating disorder because you hide when food comes out). If he finds it too much and walks, it would be better now than when you are too attached. Not to mention, you don't want to be with someone who will not respect your dietary needs. This sight is loaded with people in relationships that are unsuportive. You know how hard this diet can be, and your guy needs to know it too.

On a happy note, people in new relationships are more ready to make changes and learn new things for the one they love than any other time in their lives, so let the training begin!

[gfp]

TELL HIM NOW!!!!!!!!

Seriously... most of us have problems with people who knew us BEFORE diagnosis as GFD...

Its harder for long standing friends and relatives to accept but whenever I meet someone new they just either accept it or not.

My girlfriend never knew me before... she never questions it ... my ex-wife never really believed it... she would on one level but not another.. the sooner the better... just avoid symptoms and talk about loing term damage/effects... if he can't hack it from the beginning then sorry.. but your best finding out sooner rather than later... honestly I don't think later will make it easier to accept or not, just harder as he starts to think you have some eating disorder by avoiding food...

[darlindeb25]

People surprise me every day. Be honest, be yourself and if he can't deal.........he's the wrong guy. You are a beautiful young woman, and I am sure that there will be many to choose from. Momma Goose says it all! Honesty is always the best policy.

[ravenwoodglass]

You've gotten some great advice already. I also think you should tell him soon. You never know he might look at you with a stunned look on his face and say "Gee, so am I".

[Slackermommy]

You've gotten some great advice already. I like the idea of just doing it casually, not making a big deal out of it...maybe in a group setting, so he has time to understand it, and he won't feel pressured to say something right away.

As everyone else here has said, the right guy will not find a problem with it, but will help. Have you read Gluten Free Girl's Blog? She has a great love story, she met him after her diagnosis, and they are getting married. (She is in her thirties.) I know that before I got married, I loved to hear other people's stories..and I don't know of any other celiac love story.

Good luck.

[ajay]

..and I don't know of any other celiac love story.

Good luck.

Oooh! I have one. I met my sweetie at a party thrown by mutual friends. I gathered the courage to ask him out for coffee after work the following week... When we met up, he asked if I was hungry:

"We could get dinner on Charles Street."

"Oooh, that could be tricky," I said, "I'm allergic to wheat and corn and it's in everything." "How about shish kebabs? There's a Lebanese place up the street-- we could check out the menu and see what you think."

We went there, the waitress was great and helpful, the food was tasty, and I didn't get sick. That was...um... I guess about 6 years ago.

I should probably do a whole separate post about it, but I'm really lucky. My sweetie likes to cook and sees my restrictions as an interesting challenge.

One time after I had my worst reaction to date, I was cleaning up the kitchen. I had just brought some candy back from a trip abroad (for friends and family) and was going to put it in the pantry.

"Can you eat those?"

"I don't plan to. I can't read the ingredients. They're for other people."

"Well, then find another place for them. Only food goes in the pantry."

In other words, just like everyone else says: In a way, it's a pretty good screen. If he can't deal with it, that's a big red flag anyway. And there are lots of really cool people out there.

Best of luck to you.

[kbtoyssni]

I bring it up as soon as I can (it's a good way to screen potential boyfriends ) The first time something food comes up or I whip some fruit snacks out of my pocket at an odd time, I say I'm allergic to WBRO, peanuts. I've never had a problem and people are generally interested. The first question is usually "you can't drink beer???" If someone freaks out and can't deal or doesn't care, well, I don't want that person in my life anyway.

[CarlaB]

The first question is usually "you can't drink beer???"

Yeah, what's with that question? I always answer that I don't like beer anyway, so it's no loss for me! It always is the first question!

Not having a treat with my latte at Starbucks is a MUCH bigger sacrifice than a beer!

[bremac]

Just a stupid comment, but if the guy isn't understanding about this, that would be an indicator that he wasn't the right guy for you.

Just avoid an deep discussion about the gastrointestinal effects of gluten and you should be fine

And why is that is usually the first thing people want to know about?

[Guest Karabear20]

I don't see a problem with telling people...if they can't deal with it then you know he's not right for you.

Honestly, I'm just now finding out I have it...even though I've probably had it my whole life. My now ex, was my boyfriend when the blood tests came back positive and he still thought I was joking. He wasn't supportive at all..in fact, the first night we were together knowing I needed to be gluten free...I wanted chinese and realized I couldn't get my all time favorite thing...sweet and sour chicken...because its breaded. Well I asked him what he wanted...and he got my favorite...even after I said you can't do that to me...and asked if he could get anything else. Then when it came...he waved it in front of my face and told me to just eat it...and said he'd rather me have a stomach ache than not be able to eat anything. I wanted to smack him.

But we were on our way to breaking up anyways...that just proved that he wasnt right for me... he couldn't be supportive with something i'd have to do for the rest of my life...what else would he not be supportive of?

I'm dating someone new right now who's extremely supportive.