Dating?

[JamiD]

Is this the right forum?

Okay, it's on my mind. I'm going through a permanent separation so my confidence is already shot. With the Celiac, it's a double whammy.

On any given day, I can feel pretty good, but it's so unpredicatable. Like this afternoon would have been great timing, but to make plans for Sat night, no way. And speaking of night, if I'm going to have symptoms, it's the end of the day that they'll likely show up.

While I'm not looking to date at this time (I've got plenty of other things that I need to focus on), I'm just wondering how that future aspect of my life is going to work.

Any and all kinds of experiences welcomed.

[Guest j_mommy]

Hi!!!

I'm a single mom and dating is tricky! I also work FT and go to school PT(i'm finishing my RN) So I have alot of irons on the fire too!

I've been on a few dates...got to a couple of third dates but they justed wanted to jump right into a full blown relationship and I'm not ready for that!

I would tell someone straight up that I have celiac. It's a big part of me and they would need to understand!!

I guess I'm just lending support..it's tuff and definetly do it in your own time!

[psawyer]

Dating? What's that? I've been married almost 26 years, so I don't remember much about dating.

How much detail you go into up front is up to you. There are plenty of places to go and things to do that don't revolve around food. When you do get to the point of having a meal together, just say that some things that are common foods make you ill. In a restaurant, you may be able to make some choices which are fine for you without limiting his options.

Another option, if you are comfortable with it, is to have your date over for dinner at your place. Prepare a delicious, gluten-free meal, and after it is over, then say that gluten makes you sick, so you don't eat it. Tell him that the meal he just enjoyed was gluten-free. Now he knows that gluten-free doesn't mean "tastes like cardboard."

On the other hand, if you are invited to dinner at his place, and he is preparing the meal, then full disclosure up front is needed. The bad news is that it could kill the whole thing. The good news is that, if it does kill the whole thing, then it was never meant to be.

I have rambled a bit, but I do hope this is useful.

[grey]

I've been thinking about this too - I just ended a seven-year relationship in March (my dx was in May). I'm with you in trying to figure out how celiac and symptoms will fit into an already stressing experience. I'm going to try an online service, and I hope that the online chat aspect will lead to a natural moment to have celiac come up over time before meeting in person. But I have no idea anymore. This is what friends how suggested I try for dating, anyway ...

So, no answers, but I hope some support in there seem to be others of us trying to figure this out.

[gdobson]

It wouldn't be any big deal to say you were vegetarian or something. I think it's the word "disease" that makes us feel so wierd. I've been married for 8 years, but if I imagine myself dating it plays something like this: Sure I'ld love to go out. But do you mind if I pick the place? I've got some food allergies (that's what I say in my head so I don't scare him off with te word disease). And then when he asks, I'll explain it. And by then he is so entranced by me, he doesn't mind a bit : ).

[SunnyDyRain]

I'm in a LTR so I'm not dating, but I have recently moved to a new area and i'm trying to get new friends. So I guess you could say i'm "dating for friends". I have similar problems, how do you talk about Celiac without going into too much detail, how do you choose restraunts without being bossy, how do I cancel cuz i'm sick without looking like a flake?

I am totally honest really. I have Celiac (I normally don't say Celiac Disease... ) this makes me very sensitive to foods, I have to be very careful what I eat, and If I eat something that dosen't agree with me, I might have to cancel. I explain about everything, how careful I have to be, I even offer to have them come over and I'll cook for them. (cheaper for them!)

[Nancym]

Hi Jami, I'm single and haven't really dated in quite awhile. I think what might be a decent plan is to pick out some restaurants yourself, in advance. Ones you think you can trust. Steer your date in that direction. I'd probably get the Celiac condition out on the table early so if someone thinks they can't handle it, they can bail before anyone gets too attached. Also, remember you must size up your date too, if they're not undestanding and supportive at this point, they're not likely to be later on either.

Other than that, I think a dating service for Celiacs would be awesome!

[gfgypsyqueen]

I know you are going through a really hard time and wish you well. I haven't been dating in a while. But I can say that this disease would be an issue I would want to know about before I married someone. In a way, I think my spouse might have wanted to know about this issue before we got married. And Celiacs does affect their life too. So, in a way, knowing that you have celiacs and are out dating might not be so bad in the long run. You will date someone with compassion and understanding from the start.

I would tell everyone who knows you that you are single and looking to be set up. I always had better relationships with people someone "recommended" rather than the stranger. Become active in a hobby or church or school and you will run into someone who is interested in you and already sort of knows about the "allergy issue".

Good luck

[JamiD]

Thanks guys

I think what concerns me the most is that I don't even want to consider having a social life outside my inner circle of friends until I can predictably get through an evening w/o symptoms. A whole weekend would be even better.

When I first finally figured gluten as the problem, I felt fantastic, but not so much now. Not nearly enough to plan anything with anybody except my closest of friends/family.

I really shouldn't even be thinking about this as there are too many changes going on in my life and my kids need any energy that I have to spare, but I would just like to have a little hope for the future.

[aikiducky]

I think you'll see that in a year or so, you'll feel much better about the whole thing. You'll have the diet down to routine, and hopefully won't have so many symptoms to worry about. I think you might be right to think that it's just too early right now. Going gluten free is a big change, you need to give yourself time to deal with it not only physically but emotionally as well.

Pauliina

[codetalker]

With the Celiac, it's a double whammy.

At least it is just celiac disease. A celiac can successfully date, albeit with an understanding person. Add in food allergies, such as lectin intolerance, and one might as well be an extraterrestrial that lives on tree bark. Eating together is no longer doable. That sabotages a primary form of social interaction. One of you goes to a restaurant for surf and turf, the other to a landscaping supply for mulch. No point of commonality.

[Jo.R]

I would tell someone from the begining, you don't want them to surprise you with something and that be the reason you have to explain yourself. Also make sure you either use the word allergy or disease. You don't want to say I don't eat food with WORB. People are more accepting of those with dietary needs than those who are high maintenance on fad diets.

Also you said you were waiting to date a little while, by then you should have this celiac thing down and not worry so much about being sick.

[mattj]

I don't see how celiac has to be a huge hurdle to dating, or how it's something that should be difficult to talk about. I am not ashamed of my (as yet undiagnosed but fairly certain) disease. There is much more to dating (and life) than food. Perhaps ideally a fellow celiac is the best partner.

[grey]

I don't think that any worries about dating have to do necessarily with shame. I'm not embarrassed about the diagnosis - I have no problem talking to most people about it. But in dating, there are other issues, I think. One is that a lot of dating does take place over meals or drinks.

The suggestions here about having places in mind beforehand that are safe and how to handle this are really great and useful (esp Nancy, sunny, and gdobson's.)

But one worry I have is that w/ dating, early on, people are looking at each other's smallest things to extrapolate if they want to go on with the relationship. I worry that celiac makes you seem intensely high maintence and neurotic (aaagh - don't let that crouton approach my salad! no, you can't just take off! you have to start ALL OVER!) [that was a joke] I know that's all about how you do it, but I worry it could give the wrong impression of how you are in other areas besides the restaurant and kitchen.

(And, currently, passing out from fatigue in the middle of his fascinating stories probably also not a good impression ... friends don't mind if I 'hit the wall', but it's not a great impression. Or the gas ... )

And maybe it's because I'm lived in too many cities, but I wouldn't invite a man I didn't know for very long into my house to cook for him.

But if someone knows a nice single male celiac in his 30s in the upper midwest, put him in touch with me!

[tarnalberry]

...

But in dating, there are other issues, I think. One is that a lot of dating does take place over meals or drinks.

...

But one worry I have is that w/ dating, early on, people are looking at each other's smallest things to extrapolate if they want to go on with the relationship. I worry that celiac makes you seem intensely high maintence and neurotic

...

Dating doesn't have to take place over meals or drinks. That's a, IM(not so)HO, a stupid old tradition, always having dates involve meals. "Oh, here's something we both need to do, why don't we do it together?" It should be "Oh, here's something we both find fun, and optional, to do. Let's go enjoy it together!" No need to stick with a silly tradition 100% of the time.

Well, objectively speaking, in comparison to others, we ARE high maintenance when we're in a gluten-filled world. And it may be best to diffuse that one up front by saying "You know what, this little bit, in a gluten filled kitchen/restaurant, makes me a little high maintenance. It kinda sucks, but I don't want to get horridly sick for a week. But I know that it's easy to use that and extrapolate that I'm high maintenance in other areas. I'm not necessarily, but on this one thing, yeah, a bit."

[brendygirl]

I date often. My blog has a lot written in it about it. Yes, it does affect dating. Yes, I've been glutened on dates. I agree with gdobson's reply that I do give them a "heads up", but guys really don't care much, since many of them tend to be picky eaters themselves(don't like tomatoes, sour cream, etc.).

Also since many women eat like birds or have calorie counting issues, etc. anyway.

But MUCH of dating revolves around eating and drinking. I just ignore them when they talk about how they love to cook and they'd like to cook for me. The really good ones research it themselves and impress me with their knowledge. Some get confused and tell servers I'm lactose intol. Some lighten it up by calling me "silly-ass", etc. Only a few have made me uncomfortable by ordering lots of bread, pasta, pancakes and talking endlessly about how scrumptious it is and how sad I can't have it.

[sfm]

Thanks guys

I think what concerns me the most is that I don't even want to consider having a social life outside my inner circle of friends until I can predictably get through an evening w/o symptoms. A whole weekend would be even better.

When I first finally figured gluten as the problem, I felt fantastic, but not so much now. Not nearly enough to plan anything with anybody except my closest of friends/family.

I really shouldn't even be thinking about this as there are too many changes going on in my life and my kids need any energy that I have to spare, but I would just like to have a little hope for the future.

Jami -

I'm single, too, but for longer. I would say (like you mentioned) to take it slow in that department. In time, you will feel better - I felt great at first when I went gluten free, too, but then not so much. Now it's good days and bad, but I read someone else's post that said they had the same experience within their first year.

I think after being gluten free for a few months, your body might just become more aware of other things which bother it. I think of my stomach as "sensitive" right now. I have found that I am casein sensitive by diagnosis, and tree nut sensitive by trial and error. I am slowing discovering what I can and can't eat, and my children (not gluten free) are very supportive and do their best to be very careful in the kitchen - and they are 7 and 10.

I think being up front - without too much gory detail - is the best policy. I usually start by saying that I get extemely sick when I eat anything with gluten in it. I had one gentleman friend who was fascinated, he'd never heard of it. Eating out is a challenge but not impossible - I have had some of the best meals at restaurant which were regular restaurants who were willing to accommodate my needs. I call it a severe allergy to gluten when I go out, then explain where gluten is found. I think restaurants hear intolerance and sometimes think in terms of 'lactose intolerance' which is pretty common. But when they hear severe allergy they don't want to have someone get sick or worse at their restaurant!

Sheryll

[DarkIvy]

There's a huge difference between being high maintenance because one is just picky and being "high maintenance" because you have a severe medical issue with a certain group of foods. I think most anyone in their right minds would be able to tell the difference. As long as your date understands that you're not just being picky for the sake of being picky or vain, and that you're being picky because a tiny amount can make you sick, I think things should be relatively okay.

And I'd say, whoever is not up to understanding the issue is not a good choice, anyway! At least you get that out of the way quickly, rather than finding out sometime down the road that he's a total jerk about things. No, some people aren't going to want to "deal with it" like you do, but that's their loss. Surely they are more than a few eligible men out there who are caring and will be willing to overlook this and see into who you really are. THAT'S what you're looking for, so don't worry about the rest!

[Crystalkd]

I've only found out in the last week that I have celiac disease. I was on the diet for 13 days before that. (I blew my diet and was really tired and in alot of pain. That's how they figured it out!) I've been thinking about the whole dating thing to. Reading the posts I've come to realize that dating is the same as relationships. Some understand and some don't. One of my best friends is getting married next week. She's seen how sick I was. (Death would have been an improvment!) I'm her maid of honor and when I asked her to call the planner to alert them to my allergyshe couldn't understand why even if there was salad and grilled chicken people still needed to know. It really hurt my feelings. I then called the other person that has control over things and told them what was going on. She asked me what I couldn't have and then asked me what would happen if I broke my diet for one meal. I explained at they understood and insured me I would have things to eat that wouldn't make me sick.

Either in dating or day to day relationships people get it or they don't. Some will come to understand or at least not wave in front of your face what you miss and can't have.

I personally am still the crabby getting used to everything stage. I even exploded at some one in my family this morning for not giving me any support and just telling me it's my problem so get over it.

We both will get over our fears as we get used to it all!!! I'm just glad someone found out what was making me so sick so I can deal with anything else!!!!

[StrongerToday]

Hi! I'm a single mom, who works full time and goes to school. So I like to date, but it doesn't happen very often... anywho... when I do date, I don't make it an issue. It's just part of who I am, that's the way that it is. I don't mention it until it comes up either. No point in going into all that if they're not going to be around for it to naturally come up in conversation!

And ah... if you know any guys in Michigan looking for a busy gluten-free person....

[JNBunnie1]

My first date with my current (wonderfully fabulous) boyfriend was laser tag. We had so much fun together that we decied to hang out longer and eat dinner together. Then we were having so much fun together we went and saw a movie. But the dinner thing was easy, I just picked something on the menu that was already gluten free, asked the waitress to just double check with the chef, explained it to wonderful boyfriend, and he was interested and we talked about it for three minutes and that was it. So it can't be that hard! (of course, we already really liked each other, that helped...)