Grouchy/confused/depressed

[Sweetfudge]

i guess i just wanted to vent. so, i've been dealing w/ work crap, but i feel like maybe things are getting better?... talked w/ one of my coworkers today, the closest one to a friend i suppose (not that we hang out or anything). she helped me feel more at ease w/ the work situation. husband's been stressed, money's tight, so i don't know if changing jobs would be wise at the moment.

also been feeling a bit ill lately. do y'all have similar reactions to other food intolerances? still think i'm missing something, and about 99% sure it's not gluten.

on the plus side, i'm almost positive i'm starting my period. i got off birth control awhile ago, had my last period 6 1/2 weeks ago have taken 4 pregnancy tests!

i feel very out of shape/unatractive. but that's still not motivation enough for me to work out or eat better! i'm eating ok, but only work out on my day off. not enough, esp. sitting in an office 50 hrs a week.

also, my mom's in town, and she and i have been talking about my marriage a lot. some of you know that we've been on the rocks...like, forever. my mom seems to think my marriage is nearly identical to hers and my dad's, so she's kinda trying to give me the advice she needed when she was w/ my dad. i don't think it's the same (lots of similar behaviors/personalities), but now i'm really confused inside as to what to do. and then to top it off, i get an email from my ex-boyfriend, who i dated for 2 years, and almost left my husband for (fiance at the time)....just wanting to catch up. and now those unresolved feelings are coming to the surface again. and i just really want someone to talk to, and he was always really good at that. i don't know if it's a sign or a test.

and speaking of tests, my mom's also been encouraging me to go back to church, which i haven't done b/c of my husband, and because i've been lazy (as with most things in my life).

aaah! i'm gonna have a melt down! by the way, i've now started grinding my teeth during the day, in addition to every night. i've just about had it with everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and, i'm totally bored w/ food, and not wanting to cook, so i've been munchying

blah

[LoveBeingATwin]

WOW! are you sure you are not my twin? I can totally relate to EVERYTHING you just said, accept for the long lost ex. I to am having a work crisis, hubby is way too stressed out, we work together,I want to start exercising but too lazy, I don't cook anymore. Today I have had chocolate, Coke, banana and potatoe chips. No wonder I feel like crap!

I am sure things will get better, they usally do. I am really sorry though. I hope you have a better day. You know, I have issues with my mom, she is a pain...that is putting it nicely and let me tell you she has done some crappy things, but I just tell her the way it's going to be. She would control my life if I let her, but I don't. It makes it hard when me and my parents don't see eye to eye, so I know you must be feeling crummy. You just need to stay strong with what you want and believe in.

As far as the food intolerance goes, are you just gluten free? I also eliminated dairy, accept small amounts of chocolate:), soy, eggs, etc. When I cook, I try to eat just fruit, veggies, fresh meat and salads. I feel really good when I eat like that and I have lost weight. I only eat the junk food(see above) when I get stressed out since it is so convenient. I also take a really good multivitamin and calcium supplements. I know one of these days I will start a workout routine, I know there is a runner in me , but in the mean time do what you can when it comes to exercsing. If you don't feel good, I am sure that is the last thing you want to do. Maybe you and hubby can go for a walk together or you can yourself. The little things help. I myself am stuck behind a desk ALL day and hate it, considering what I use to do. So now I have hubby cover the office and go for a walk, I shoot for 30 min, but atleat it is a start. Maybe you could do something like that. Best of luck to you. Keep smiling

[CarlaB]

Stay away from the old boyfriend!!!!

I've been married 22 years ... I've read your posts before on your marriage troubles ... you are NORMAL. I got married at 21, which is older than you were, I think. It's totally natural to wonder what it would have been like if it were different.

Your old boyfriend seems attractive because you haven't been living with him!!! Eventually, the novelty, newness of being with him would wear off, too, and then you woud just realize you're divorced, remarried (maybe) and stuck in the same rut you were before without having learned the lessons you could have by working yourself out of that rut.

I was married a few years and felt just like you do. I'm SO glad I stuck it out.

If you need someone to talk to, I can PM you my cell phone number. I'd rather you talk to me than your old boyfriend ... he is someone you are attracted to, definately the WRONG person to talk to about your marriage trouble!

I have a friend (a guy) who was in a bad marriage. He felt his wife didn't need him anymore, and they lived like brother and sister. He had a woman at work he confided in ... eventually he left his wife (he wasn't having an affair) and started a relationship with the woman. She ended up dumping him. He ended up alone. His words to me, "The grass is not greener."

Trust me, it's not ... it's just a different guy. Talk to people in marriages that stayed together ... NOT divorced. Not that divorced don't have good opinions ... it's just you need to know what the ones who stayed together did ... all of us who have been married for any length of time have worked through the same feelings you are ... we've all wanted to throw in the towel and start over with someone new.

You have a guy who loves you and adores you. Work it out with him. I've also heard you say he's your best friend. That is priceless. You should be talking to HIM about this stuff.

Do you take anything for depression? Have you tried St. John's Wort?

[CarlaB]

PS Do not go see the old boyfriend. I had the mistaken assumption that seeing one would help me to get him out of my head, that I would see how incompatable we would have been ... it did the opposite, I realized how attracted I still was to him. BIG mistake.

Love is both a feeling and and action. Start using the action part ... show hubby you love him even if you don't have the feelings ... this will help the feelings come back.

Obviously, I've been where you are.

[missy'smom]

ALL VERY GOOD ADVICE CarlaB.

Sweetfudge, We've shared about our moms and families a little and I understand where yours is coming from. I've often said the same things to myself about my marriage BUT as similar as my husband is to my father and our relationship is to MY parents, it IS different. It's just better not to go there though, it really doesn't help. I have stuck it out where many would have called it quits a long time ago. I considered divorce many times but at some point I realized I was responsible for my own happiness, whether married to him or someone else or single. That and being gluten-free have helped alot.

About food

I went through the past week or two feeling the same way so THIS time instead of being frustrated about it every meal or everyime I went into the kitchen, I said 'I'll let it go" (because I normally eat OK), ate whatever, whenever, donuts for lunch-as long as it was gluten-free and said"this too shall pass" and it did. I'm back to cooking and eating regular again. That mind shift helped alot.

Hang in there. Lots of Love to you.

[aikiducky]

Yeah what everybody else has said!

We've been married for 12 years and it's just like Carla said, love is an action as well as a feeling, sometimes everything is nice and romantic and it's easy to feel in love with each other, sometimes life is just an ordinary everyday rut and at those times it's important to keep giving those hugs and kisses and saying I love you even if you don't feel all that cuddly or loving. The feeling will come.

One thing that has helped us was realizing that we two want different things to feel happy, and for example if I try to give my husband something that I'd actually like to get from him it doesn't work because I'm not actually giving him what he would like... and vice versa. So it's important to 1. know what you want & need to be happy 2. talk about it with each other 3. accept that what the other wants is what truly makes them happy even if it sound utterly pointless to you.

An example: I like to talk with my husband, I'm happiest when we have a good chat. My husband finds it a bit tiring, so I remind him that he's making me really happy by chatting with me. He on the other hand really likes to just have me in the same room while he does his own things, which to me seems pointless (what am I doing there if he's just doing something else) but I've learned to accept that that is what truly makes him happy. So sometimes we have a chat, and sometimes I let him be and read a book in the same room, or watch tv or something.

Pauliina

[Sweetfudge]

thanks everyone for your support. i feel as though this week has been full of tests and blessings. i've been messaging back and forth w/ the ex, and he keeps saying everything i'm feeling, about wanting to have kids, and just talking to him reminds me of all the good times we had. but i've also been going w/ my mom to some church seminars this week, and this one guy was talking about marriage, and changing your focus. he said the grass is always greener where you water it. and i keep remembering that. i love my husband. i want to be with him, and i want to be happy. i'm just struggling, and doubting myself. it doesn't help that i'm so frustrated w/ my job, and i truly do care about this other guy, and want to know he's happy. but i know i'm "watering" the wrong "grass". i feel pretty confused. i'm crying right now, and don't know why. i don't want my husband to come upstairs and see me, cuz then he'll want to know what's up.

i think that maybe being on my period is influencing this situation alot. i just need to clear my head. maybe i'll go bake something. anyway, thanks again. i'lll keep hanging in there.

[CarlaB]

Wow, that watering the grass is a GREAT example!!!

Remember, you did have a choice between the two guys ... you chose your husband. It's easy to look at the other guy and wonder what it would be like with him once it gets routine with your hubby. I agree totally with that talk you went to ... turn off the sprinkler and quit watering the grass!

I'm glad to hear that you're going to work it out. Marriage is not easy.

I can't remember what famous person said this ... he was English ... He said he didn't understand the American concept of divorce because of incompatability because there is nothing more incompatable than a woman and a man!

Oh, my husband requires hugs/touch to feel love, I like it when he does things for me (tasks around the house, take me out for coffee, etc.), I want his time.

[blueeyedmanda]

I was going to reply to this the other day but I was at work and things were nuts. I hope that things are a bit better now. I know that work has been a problem of stress for you lately. I did hear you say you have been talking to a coworker so maybe things will calm down on that front.

I know what you mean about being grouchy. I dont hate my job but some days I feel so out of place there. We are trying to plan a wedding (which I love my future MIL but she can cause stress I dont need, and look for a home to buy, we got some money issues too...I have days where I wish I never woke up. I am too young to feel like this.

I hope your blue days pass too. I see mine come in spurts and maybe this is true for you as well. I am here if you ever need anything. It sounds like we both can relate to each other.

Manda

[Nic]

Hi, isn't it funny how we look back on our old loves and remember all of the good times? And some days, when things are really bad, you really do miss those good times. But, and this is a big but, we all broke up for a reason. And we chose our spouses for a reason as well. No matter who you married, it is a tough haul sometimes. Sometimes having contact with an ex who meant a lot to you only makes it harder to face your problems.