How To Tell An Itallian Guy "drop Half Your Culture"

[raen]

every tie i bring up that he "mysteriously" gains ALOT of weight when he eats gluten, looks very bloated and gets strange zits, he gets rosacia and claims things like "stomach aches can happen for no reason" AND smells bad after eating gluten, he just says "i know but im itallian"

i ask him to stop eating gluten for my sake, so we never have to be on guard when he kiss or hold hands and i dont have to turn away and ask "did you eat anything?" half the time.

he says "i cut out alot of it and i dont eat it in the house already"

i tell him gluten is bad for you anyway, he loves working out, hed likley be thinner faster and stronger.

he says "i tried the gluten-free diet once. didnt like it. sometimes i want pizza, patsa that doesn't fall apart, and subs."

..

okay so his grandma cooked him noodles all his life, i get it, but how can any person be THAT attached to food for cultural reasons?! i even told him the most popular gluten-free foods often come form itally anyway, he does not seem to care.

he claims "pizza makes him feel great" but i dont believe that. did i mention lactose-intolerance runs in his family? that he gets stomach pains on rare occasion, like i do from any gluten?

i am worried about his health. how can i get through to my blockhead boyfriend, when he refuses to eat gluten-free but admits "some gluten foods" seem to give him a reaction and acknowledges loosing a ridiculous amount of weight when he eats my food?

[ShayFL]

The only Italian food he cannot eat that has gluten is Pasta and Bread. Now I know there arent many good bread recipes or subs out there for bread. But Tinkyada pasta....couldnt tell the difference. He can stay Italian. Just sub that out.

And the 2 of you should have "dates" in the kitchen trying new gluten-free bread recipes.

[munkee41182]

Chebe bread sticks are pretty good too.

Make pasta and sauce and meatballs one night, make him eat it and don't tell him it's gluten free. They'll all get over it! Once he realizes that he can still be italian and gluten-free, he'll be happy as pig in poop! And a true italian isn't just pasta and pizza, you can make all sorts of Italian food without flour, bread or pasta :-)

[raen]

two problems there - i cant cook, and he is close to a chef. he knows the difference between gluten-free and regular everything, because he cooks gluten-free food for me.

he knows it can taste good, he just REFUSES to try being totally gluten free. he says he will "maybe cut back slowly" but never drop it. if he doesnt drop gluten, how can i ever convince him that his weird symptoms only happen when he eats gluten? and why on earth does anyone care THAT much about eating gluten?

he offered to make a deal with me - he will stop eating one of four of his favorite gluten foods (subs, the only thing that give him a noticeable stomach ache) if i let him cook with dairy in our gluten-free-dairy-free kitchen. i dont know what to do, sense i am so allergic to milk, it would be a huge hassle to deal with, and he wont even agree to cut all gluten out.

[MyMississippi]

You cannot change anyone's behavior but your own. You will NEVER convince your boyfriend to give up the foods he loves ----- He will give them up ONLY when or IF he wants to------

If I were you, I would give up trying to change his eating habits------- it's a loosing battle.

Take it from someone who knows --- I've been trying to get my husband to eat "heart healthy" for years---- it goes in one ear and out the other. Now I say nothing and we're both happier. ------ He's responsible for his own health------NOT ME.

[SeMeCl]

I agree. He has to make the decision, he may not want to because he has no diagnosis and therefore doesn't think anything is wrong. I would however strongly object to his milk proposal if you are that allergic. If he cares he won't bargain with something that makes you so ill. I say be there for him, but don't press it.

You asked how someone can so strongly tie culture and food. Food is a big part of culture for all of us, the American family is much different from almost all of the others around the world. Food brings families together and it has roots in history and lineage. Food is as important to culture as language. If he identifies himself as Italian as strongly as some Italians I know (or anyone with strong cultural ties for that matter), food can be a huge part of pride, culture, and family. I'm not saying there aren't alternatives to the foods, I'm just saying I understand this. Other cultures do not treat food as we do in the US.

I'm sure you understand the "not" wanting food to fall apart thing. I know there a excellent products out there, some better than the wheat ones, but I know I have had some pretty nasty pasta, cookies, bread, pizza, and so much more. I'm sure we all understand this.

If he doesn't see a problem with it, he has no reason to change. If (you thought) your leg was fine, would you cut it off just because? (I know this is an extreme example, but sometimes those are the ones that make us think.)

[kbtoyssni]

he knows it can taste good, he just REFUSES to try being totally gluten free. he says he will "maybe cut back slowly" but never drop it. if he doesnt drop gluten, how can i ever convince him that his weird symptoms only happen when he eats gluten? and why on earth does anyone care THAT much about eating gluten?

Unfortunately and frustratingly, there's probably not a whole lot you can do. Sounds like you're done your best job to convince him and now the ball's in his court. For some people it takes getting REALLY sick to make the major life change of giving up gluten. Most of us here have been sick for a long time and spent years trying to figure out our health problems so cutting out gluten to get our health back was a much easier task than it would be for those who didn't spend years being sick.

[dksart]

I'm Italian, Tinkyada pasta is the shiznit. My whole, huge Italian family thinks so, too. You can NOT tell the difference. It even holds up perfectly in Minestrone, Pasta Fagioli, Lasagna, Baked Ziti.......

[Fiddle-Faddle]

If he is practically a chef, then he can make gluten-free versions of everything he loves, even subs (there are fantastic bread recipes out there, check out ANnalise ROberts' Gluten-Free Baking Classics). If he wants to.

The point is, he doesn't WANT to.

There could be a lot of reasons for this, but as stated above, it's up to him.

It's also up to you, whether you want to stay with someone who is both self-destructive, and a control freak, not to mention someone who wants to sabatoge YOUR health.

Feel free to show him this post and tell him that some of us think he is a moron for throwing away his chances for health and happiness, and for even thinking of risking the health of someone he loves.

[purple]

Love is a sacrifice not "Let's Make A Deal". Don't let him be the one to control your health. You need to take control of it. You can't enjoy your relationship if you get sick often, from cc/dairy, when something can be done about it. If he is angry about the situation it's b/c he has to make a choice. You or his own selfishness. Idolizing food is selfish. Choosing you is sacrificial. Give him time to choose, its harder for him than you think. If he chooses you then he has a double victory. You and his health. If he chooses himself then he has a double loss. His health and possibly you.

[debmidge]

As the non-celiac in our relationship (married for 29 years to the same person) and of Italian extraction and my husband is of Italian extraction, I want to respond. This is just my opinion.

1) Wow...there's a problem with your relationship that goes beyond gluten. Being in love

with someone doesn't mean you become copies of each other (and that normally takes years!)

2) Either he gets tested for celiac or not: I think you are assuming he has celiac and a

proper diagnosis will stop this gluten-free dialog in its tracks. If you are worried about his health you'll suggest to him that he get a blood test for the gluten anti-bodies. That's a logical start, otherwise you're working on presumption of celiac.

3) It's great that he is cutting out gluten for your sake, but unfortunately, it's not at the 100% level as you want him to do. With all due respect, I think you're being controlling of his behavior. There's no proof that the non-celiac partner has to be 100% gluten free. And that's a choice he's just not willing to make

no matter how much you nag him. And he claims he doesn't eat gluten in the house - that's a positive for him as regards how he feels about you.

4) He's a chef in a celiac world - of course he's going to have to eat gluten for his work and as to pizza, I am severely lactose intolerant and I have to tell you that there's not much lactose in mozzerella cheese (Italian cheese they use on pizza), (contrary to the Lactaid commercials some cheeses are low or zero in lactose). So it could be the high fat content of the foods he eats which makes him have a stomach ache or he is simply overeating.

5) "He smells bad after eating gluten"...that's a new one on me - the "smell" is probably from the

spices which are found in Italian food (and food from other cultures too). Obviously when

you tell him he "smells" he immediately attributes it to his nationality. What subtle messages

about Italians are you sending to him that he has to be on the defensive for being Italian?

6) He told you he doesn't want to go on a 100% gluten-free diet - he answered you. I don't think

he's being deliberately obstinate - he is being honest with you and you are probing him over and

over to hear the answer you want. Eventually he will stop being honest with you so as not to have you

nagging him any longer. I don't think that's what you want but I do think you are expecting too much of another person.

7) If he makes you that miserable, to the point where you call him a "blockhead," you should move on and hopefully you'll find someone else who will comply in every way and/or who is a celiac himself. You sound very unhappy in this relationship. Another poster told you to repeat to him what is posted in this thread, etc. My message to you is not to do that because he will not appreciate you talking about him behind his back: with strangers even! and they aren't saying nice things about him; that'll really put the "cabosh" on your relationship with him.

every tie i bring up that he "mysteriously" gains ALOT of weight when he eats gluten, looks very bloated and gets strange zits, he gets rosacia and claims things like "stomach aches can happen for no reason" AND smells bad after eating gluten, he just says "i know but im itallian"

i ask him to stop eating gluten for my sake, so we never have to be on guard when he kiss or hold hands and i dont have to turn away and ask "did you eat anything?" half the time.

he says "i cut out alot of it and i dont eat it in the house already"

i tell him gluten is bad for you anyway, he loves working out, hed likley be thinner faster and stronger.

he says "i tried the gluten-free diet once. didnt like it. sometimes i want pizza, patsa that doesn't fall apart, and subs."

..

okay so his grandma cooked him noodles all his life, i get it, but how can any person be THAT attached to food for cultural reasons?! i even told him the most popular gluten-free foods often come form itally anyway, he does not seem to care.

he claims "pizza makes him feel great" but i dont believe that. did i mention lactose-intolerance runs in his family? that he gets stomach pains on rare occasion, like i do from any gluten?

i am worried about his health. how can i get through to my blockhead boyfriend, when he refuses to eat gluten-free but admits "some gluten foods" seem to give him a reaction and acknowledges loosing a ridiculous amount of weight when he eats my food?

[debmidge]

Error in computer during posting

[debmidge]

computer error while posting

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Another poster told you to repeat to him what is posted in this thread, etc. My message to you is not to do that because he will not appreciate you talking about him behind his back: with strangers even! and they aren't saying nice things about him; that'll really put the "cabosh" on your relationship with him.

This is good advice--perhaps I jumped to conclusions in my earlier post?

[MyMississippi]

I'm Italian, Tinkyada pasta is the shiznit. My whole, huge Italian family thinks so, too. You can NOT tell the difference. It even holds up perfectly in Minestrone, Pasta Fagioli, Lasagna, Baked Ziti.......

I disagree--- I am NOT Italian --but I do LOVE pasta----- and even though Tinkyada is good--- IMHO it DOES NOT taste as good as the "real thing" ------- And I like the texture of wheat pasta much better than the texture of rice "pasta"----

But to each, his own-----

[ShayFL]

My daughter liked Tinkyada BETTER. So you just have to try it and see.

[Juliebove]

My husband is Italian. He doesn't have gluten issues, but daughter is allergic to wheat. He eats rice pasta, corn pasta, quinoa pasta. No complaints, provided the sauce on it is good. I've made soup similar to Minestrone, minus the pasta in the crockpot and there wasn't a drop left. I've used the Namaste pizza crust mix and put no cheese on top. Just meat. He ate it and liked it. BTW, the way my MIL made pizza, it was NOT dripping with cheese. Often she would buy the cheese ends from the deli and use those to top it with. She would also buy the meat ends, chop up, mix with mayo and make sandwich spread. She used stale bread (you could easily use gluten-free for this) and made bread salad, topped with canned tomatoes and black pepper.

[ang1e0251]

I'm not Italian but I don't really think that is his problem. He just doesn't want to eat that way! He can't tell you this any more plainly than he is. He doesn't want to, he's not ready to, and he doesn't think he needs to. So your choice is simply to let him choose his own way, he is an adult, or keep nagging him & make both of you miserable. Your choice.

You sound like my friend. Her DH has had 2 heart attacks. He's supposed to not smoke, eat right and exercise. Guess what, he's smoking again, he won't eat the special diet and his exercise seems to be limited to activitities they can't afford due to all the medical bills. She has an ulcer and was making herself sick doing just what you're doing. I finally said that she was going to kill herself being the food police & she wasn't changing his behavior in the least. She no longer is on his case. THey are much happier. True, his choices probably will shorten his life but she accepts it and wants their time now to be happy.

[melmak5]

I don't mean to be blunt, but... I am Italian and I worked in the food industry and food is very important to me.

It was very hard to "give up" all of my favorite foods and accept a new lifestyle.

The bottom line is, it is really hard, but if and when he wants to get better, he can... and discover a lot of other amazing foods and parts of his culture (and others too!).

He has got to want to make the change. You cannot force or even convince him, all you can do is support him.

As for the "tell me when you have eaten gluten" portion... I date a gluten-eater and I have a strict "go wash you mouth out/brush your teeth policy," no exceptions. If he is not willing to respect that, then he is not respecting you and your safety. (I previously dated someone who didn't think it was important, even after me educating him about what gluten does to my body. Needless to say, we are no longer together.)