Jump to content

  • Welcome to Celiac.com!

    You have found your celiac tribe! Join us and ask questions in our forum, share your story, and connect with others.



  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A1):

    Celiac.com Sponsor (A1-M):

  • Get Celiac.com Updates:
    Support Our Content
    eNewsletter
    Donate

Excuses Excuses

Sunshinez06

By Sunshinez06
in Coping with Celiac Disease

Recommended Posts

Sunshinez06 Rookie
Sunshinez06
Posted

As we come upon the holiday season, I'm finding myself frustrated with my boyfriend and his family....

We've been together for about two years now and as we come upon Thanksgiving and Christmas, he has plans to go over to his parents for both holidays. He's made it clear to me that I'm NOT invited, but blames it on the fact that his mother is scared of handling my gluten-free situation. I'm 90% sure that is just an excuse to not invite me (He's over at his parents at least 1 day a week and I'm never invited) - but its really frustrating.

Has anyone else had this issue where Celiac is used as an excuse to not invite you to something?

It doesn't help that my last boyfriend had a younger sister who also had Celiac, so his parents were super supportive and had me over for dinner all the time.

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):


strawberrygm Enthusiast
strawberrygm
Posted

This may sound harsh, and I apologize in advance.

In my opinion, you need to move on. If he isnt willing to support you with his family, then he doesnt deserve you. You deserve better.

I am sorry if I offended you, because I certainly do not mean to hurt you. But I am sure you are hurting already, and his lack of caring is the cause. Celiac, diabetic, broken leg, any thing....your friends and loved ones should be there as your support system, not leave you out.

He doesnt deserve you and you deserve better.

SGWhiskers Collaborator
SGWhiskers
Posted

I'm making my own mini turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. I'll put it in a disposable pan in her oven with my utensils and a sealed big tupperware to keep them in during the cooking process. I would make the offer of preparing your own food in advance or at the family's house. If boyfriend and mother are not thrilled that the problem is solved, then I would assume there is more to the story.

I hope the self cooking idea is all that is needed for a happy holiday. And yes, I agree with strawberrygm

Hummingbird4 Explorer
Hummingbird4
Posted

I would feel very hurt if my significant other left me out of family get-togethers. It's one thing if YOU decided you don't want to go over there and opted to stay home. But to be blatantly not invited for a holiday gathering, that's just plain rude. Do you get along with his family in general? I know that I am finding myself avoiding some social situations because I don't want to deal with the food thing. It's hard. If my husband wasn't so supportive, I think I would feel very alone. You deserve some support.

ShayFL Enthusiast
ShayFL
Posted

I see RED FLAGS all over your post. I agree. You deserve better. 2 years is a decent commitment to someone. If you continue I would assume that you would might want children at some point. If your baby has Celiac (it is genetic), think how your child will feel that he/she cannot go over to Grandma's. OR picture how you will feel if your child is allowed over there, but you are not invited. Oh yeah. This sort of thing happens all of the time in families with major issues.

They are unwilling to work with you now. Why not have dinner at your house? Why cant you visit with your BF and just not eat? This wont change once they become in-laws.

I would demand therapy with my BF to resolve this issue or tell him you are moving on. If he loves you, then he would be more than willing to find a way to work this out. He is hurting you. Celiac is no excuse to treat someone like dirt. Celiac is no excuse to not invite someone over. There IS more to this. TRUST ME.

I dated a guy years ago who seemed absolutely smitten with me. He had a chalk board over his desk at his apt. In chalk he wrote "Chris + Sharon" with a big heart around it. He kept it up there for months. But then his Mom visited I wasnt invited to meet her. We had been together for over a year. And the next time I was at his place, the heart was erased. When he graduated from college, he told me I could come, but he was having dinner with his Mom afterwards and I wasnt invited.

Finally, I had had enough. So I flat out called his mother. I introduced myself and she was taken aback. We talked about Chris and this woman worshiped her only son. Chris had asked me to marry him (but I had not answered him), so I asked her if she new. The woman started sobbing. She said. No. No. She wouldnt have it. Here reason: I already had a child and she wanted "her own" Grandkids.

I then invited him over and told him NO I would not marry him. I could never see putting my beautiful innocent child into such a situation. Nope. And confronted him about his Mother. He admitted quite a few things to me then. Like he still slept in her bed with her when he visited. And he was 23!!! And had his own bed/room at her house. Weird. Bye bye. No thank you. See ya!!

Word to the wise......

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
I see RED FLAGS all over your post. I agree. You deserve better. 2 years is a decent commitment to someone. If you continue I would assume that you would might want children at some point. If your baby has Celiac (it is genetic), think how your child will feel that he/she cannot go over to Grandma's. OR picture how you will feel if your child is allowed over there, but you are not invited. Oh yeah. This sort of thing happens all of the time in families with major issues.

They are unwilling to work with you now. Why not have dinner at your house? Why cant you visit with your BF and just not eat? This wont change once they become in-laws.

I would demand therapy with my BF to resolve this issue or tell him you are moving on. If he loves you, then he would be more than willing to find a way to work this out. He is hurting you. Celiac is no excuse to treat someone like dirt. Celiac is no excuse to not invite someone over. There IS more to this. TRUST ME.

I dated a guy years ago who seemed absolutely smitten with me. He had a chalk board over his desk at his apt. In chalk he wrote "Chris + Sharon" with a big heart around it. He kept it up there for months. But then his Mom visited I wasnt invited to meet her. We had been together for over a year. And the next time I was at his place, the heart was erased. When he graduated from college, he told me I could come, but he was having dinner with his Mom afterwards and I wasnt invited.

Finally, I had had enough. So I flat out called his mother. I introduced myself and she was taken aback. We talked about Chris and this woman worshiped her only son. Chris had asked me to marry him (but I had not answered him), so I asked her if she new. The woman started sobbing. She said. No. No. She wouldnt have it. Here reason: I already had a child and she wanted "her own" Grandkids.

I then invited him over and told him NO I would not marry him. I could never see putting my beautiful innocent child into such a situation. Nope. And confronted him about his Mother. He admitted quite a few things to me then. Like he still slept in her bed with her when he visited. And he was 23!!! And had his own bed/room at her house. Weird. Bye bye. No thank you. See ya!!

Word to the wise......

omg.... :o

Someone (not you) is going to need years of therapy

Hummingbird4 Explorer
Hummingbird4
Posted

^ Wow, that takes the term "mama's boy" to a whole new level. :blink:

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):


ShayFL Enthusiast
ShayFL
Posted

Basically when he told her all about me and she disapproved he just pretended I didnt exist (to her). I do not know what he was thinking. Like we would get married and never tell her? Weird indeed.

This is my point. What is your BF thinking?

Sometimes we just dont know.....and it is up to you to confront and find out. You are worth it!!

DarkIvy Explorer
DarkIvy
Posted

You know, I can certainly understand the fear of making someone who is so sensitive to such a common food ingredient a big Thanksgiving feast. I can understand not wanting to make someone sick on accident, or think something was free of the offending ingredient, but turns out it was hidden somehow. The gluten-free diet is incredibly overwhelming for even a lot of us who deal with it every day, but to someone totally new to it? Scary!

That said, that's NO reason for them not to invite you. Something can be worked out. You can make a couple dishes, and help out with the preparations. You could even just bring some of your own stuff (make a gluten-free pie, prime rib, whatever makes you feel like it's Thanksgiving :) ) and eat it while they eat their stuff. Lots of us here have done similar stuff at family gatherings before. Celiac is isolating enough without people just not inviting you. That's silly!

Frankly, I've never had this happen to me. My boyfriend's mom isn't always happy with me or my decisions, but I'm always invited and included. When I was first on the gluten-free diet, they were skeptical and unsure of what to do, but they became some of my biggest supporters in this and with time they got comfortable with it and can even cook meals for me. It's a non-issue for them now. So I guess I have to say that I agree with the other folks that this is a huge red flag. It also worries me that you even say you are pretty sure they're just using this as an excuse. Wake up! Trust your own intuition. I have regretted it every time I haven't, and I bet you're absolutely right. You shouldn't have to spend your holidays alone because they don't want you to be there, which it sounds like that's the case. I hate to be harsh, but if they wanted you to be there, they would absolutely find a way. Get out of that relationship. You deserve a boyfriend+family who are understanding and supportive.

It won't get better. Long before I was gluten-free, my boyfriend before that had parents who didn't like me, either. Similar things would happen when they just wouldn't invite me to certain things and I felt pretty excluded. His mom's judgement became his judgement and the situation got pretty bad.

You don't have to get along all the time with your significant other's family, but they should at least try to include you, especially after two years together!!

SGWhiskers Collaborator
SGWhiskers
Posted

I want to amend what I said above. I missed the part where you said you had been together 2 years. I thought you might have been in the first weeks of dating. If this guy isn't inviting you for holiday get togethers, it is NOT about food issues. It's not about family issues either. It is about him issues or couple issues. I would look very seriously at this relationship and this man. My guess is that it is time to move on.

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
Has anyone else had this issue where Celiac is used as an excuse to not invite you to something?

i actually use Celiac as my excuse to stay home from such functions! i normally don't look forward to big family gatherings like Thanksgiving just because there are usually so many people involved and it's such a competition to have a conversation without getting interrupted a million times. seems silly but i much prefer a smaller gathering with just my immediate family.

but as others have said, it seems like the problem lies deeper than your diet. you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and find out the real reason you're not invited to family gatherings. if this is his behavior 2 years into dating, what do you see for your future together? i could not imagine spending my life with someone who has such an issue taking me home to his family.

i was in a bad relationship for a few years - the guy basically used me when it was convenient for him and i didn't hear from him if it didn't fit in his schedule. it took a lot of tears and fighting for me to finally realize he wasn't going to change and i was better off without him. i'm now with a wonderful guy and couldn't be happier. i often think back and wonder how i didn't see the blatant writing on the wall sooner...

i'm not saying you need to ditch this guy...but you will benefit from a heartfelt conversation about what's really going on with him.

purple Community Regular
purple
Posted

Listen...LISTEN...to all the great advice posted here!

ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted

I agree with the others that you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. There has to be a reason why he does not include you. It may be something to do with your relationship or it could have to do more with his family. Could there be something about his family that he is hiding from you? His family may be so dysfunctional that he is afraid if he takes you home that you may get scared away. You need to get to the bottom of this though. If you can't get a good answer then it may be time to part company.

burkev Rookie
burkev
Posted

from a male perspective.........and father of three girls.

RUN....RUN....RUN LIKE THE WIND .

NO NEED TO DISCUSS, THINK, DELIBERATE, RE-EVALUATE, FEAR, OR PRAY

YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.....THIS GUYS HAS SHOWN HIS COLORS, PROVEN HIS SHALLOWNESS....THAT IS WHY IT'S CALLING DATING.....NOT MARRIAGE. GET OUT NOW ......AS IN ......RIGHT NOW.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE IN HIS SHOES.....PRETTY SLICK DEAL .....HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO !!

AND IF YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER I WOULD ALSO TELL YOU DO NOT GET ALL BLEEDING HEART ON ME BY SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE HIS MOTHER HAS SOME "SPECIAL ISSUES" IE: DRUGS , ALCOHOL ETC. AND THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE WANTS TO SEE HER ALONE BECAUSE HE'D BE TOO EMBARESSED.....NOT!!!!!

IF THAT WERE THE CASE YOU ARE SURELY SMART ENOUGH TO SMELL THAT OUT WITHIN MONTHS OF MEETING HIM ...NOT YEARS. CHILDREN OF AODA PARENTS ARE EASY TO SPOT....I KNOW FIRSTHAND.... I AM ONE.

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF INTO TRYING TO STOP THE PAIN OF A BREAKUP....YOU ARE A WINNER ALREADY IN FACING CELIAC DISEASE....DON'T BUY INTO THE DEVILS OLD LIE THAT YOU "NEED" A BOY FRIEND. YOU ONLY NEED STABILITY TO FACE LIFE EVERYDAY...GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GREAT PERSONALITY AND THE BACKBONE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT AN INJUSTICE....DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST.

IN TODAY'S WORLD THERE SO MANY MORE OPPORTUNITES TO MEET PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ....AND EVEN MORE SO TO BE ABLE SCREEN FOR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. IN CLOSING I WANT TO PASS ALONG A BIT OF WISDOM MY FAVORITE PREACHER TAUGHT ME.......

"DATING IS CONCEALING....MARRIAGE IS REVEALING " CONSIDER IT A BLESSING IN DISGUISE THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO SEE THE

"PREVIEW" OF AN UPCOMING MOVIE....AND YOU CAN STILL BE THE STAR...JUST WITHOUT HIM

ALL THE BEST, GOD BLESS YOU & YOURS

KB

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
from a male perspective.........and father of three girls.

RUN....RUN....RUN LIKE THE WIND .

NO NEED TO DISCUSS, THINK, DELIBERATE, RE-EVALUATE, FEAR, OR PRAY

YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.....THIS GUYS HAS SHOWN HIS COLORS, PROVEN HIS SHALLOWNESS....THAT IS WHY IT'S CALLING DATING.....NOT MARRIAGE. GET OUT NOW ......AS IN ......RIGHT NOW.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE IN HIS SHOES.....PRETTY SLICK DEAL .....HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO !!

AND IF YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER I WOULD ALSO TELL YOU DO NOT GET ALL BLEEDING HEART ON ME BY SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE HIS MOTHER HAS SOME "SPECIAL ISSUES" IE: DRUGS , ALCOHOL ETC. AND THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE WANTS TO SEE HER ALONE BECAUSE HE'D BE TOO EMBARESSED.....NOT!!!!!

IF THAT WERE THE CASE YOU ARE SURELY SMART ENOUGH TO SMELL THAT OUT WITHIN MONTHS OF MEETING HIM ...NOT YEARS. CHILDREN OF AODA PARENTS ARE EASY TO SPOT....I KNOW FIRSTHAND.... I AM ONE.

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF INTO TRYING TO STOP THE PAIN OF A BREAKUP....YOU ARE A WINNER ALREADY IN FACING CELIAC DISEASE....DON'T BUY INTO THE DEVILS OLD LIE THAT YOU "NEED" A BOY FRIEND. YOU ONLY NEED STABILITY TO FACE LIFE EVERYDAY...GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GREAT PERSONALITY AND THE BACKBONE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT AN INJUSTICE....DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST.

IN TODAY'S WORLD THERE SO MANY MORE OPPORTUNITES TO MEET PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ....AND EVEN MORE SO TO BE ABLE SCREEN FOR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. IN CLOSING I WANT TO PASS ALONG A BIT OF WISDOM MY FAVORITE PREACHER TAUGHT ME.......

"DATING IS CONCEALING....MARRIAGE IS REVEALING " CONSIDER IT A BLESSING IN DISGUISE THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO SEE THE

"PREVIEW" OF AN UPCOMING MOVIE....AND YOU CAN STILL BE THE STAR...JUST WITHOUT HIM

ALL THE BEST, GOD BLESS YOU & YOURS

KB

Wow this is very good advice for everyone who is still dating (with or without celiac disease) it gets to the heart of

it. I guess I can only add don't settle for less.

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing

  • Get Celiac.com Updates:
    Support Celiac.com:
    Join eNewsletter
    Donate
  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A17):
    Celiac.com Sponsor (A17):



    Celiac.com Sponsors (A17-M):



  • Recent Activity

    1. trents
      - trents commented on Scott Adams's article in Kids and Celiac Disease
      2

      New Study Reveals Age and Racial Gaps in Pediatric Celiac Testing

      The practical takeaway: "For people who care about celiac disease, especially families who have children at higher risk, the findings highlight the importance of self-advocacy." It's the only parameter that the affected individual or their family members have control over. We need to learn to become "politely pushy" in order to get proper testing done when...
    2. Russ H
      - Russ H replied to pothosqueen's topic in Celiac Disease Pre-Diagnosis, Testing & Symptoms
      3

      Positive biopsy

      What you describe is seronegative villous atrophy (negative antibody tests but positive biopsy). It is uncommon in coeliac disease, and there are other causes, but the most common cause is coeliac disease. I would pursue this with your healthcare provider if possible. Based on clinical history, test results and possible genetic testing for susceptibility...
    3. Scott Adams
      - Scott Adams replied to pothosqueen's topic in Celiac Disease Pre-Diagnosis, Testing & Symptoms
      3

      Positive biopsy

      If you are still eating gluten you could get a celiac disease blood panel done, but I agree with @trents and the gold standard for diagnosing celiac disease would be your endoscopy results. Is it possible they did do a celiac disease panel before your biopsy? This would be the normal chain of events. This article might be helpful. It breaks down each...
    4. Scott Adams
      - Scott Adams commented on Scott Adams's article in Latest Research
      3

      New "Glowing Bacteria" Pill Could Transform Gut Disease Detection (+Video)

      This technology is currently years away, as it will need to go through an extensive FDA approval process.
    5. trents
      - trents replied to mamaof7's topic in Parents, Friends and Loved Ones of Celiacs
      7

      Help understand results

      Actually, it would be more correct to say that the genetic potential to develop celiac disease is passed down from parents to children. About 40% of the general population has the genetic potential to develop celiac disease but only about 1% of the general population actually do. But it is also true that the offspring of those who do have active celiac disease...
  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A19):

  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      133,001
    • Most Online (within 30 mins)
      7,748
    bonniebeebe143
    Newest Member
    bonniebeebe143
    Joined
  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A20):
  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A22):

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      121.5k
    • Total Posts
      1m
  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A21):

  • Upcoming Events

  • Posts

    • Russ H
      Positive biopsy

      By Russ H · Posted

      What you describe is seronegative villous atrophy (negative antibody tests but positive biopsy). It is uncommon in coeliac disease, and there are other causes, but the most common cause is coeliac disease. I would pursue this with your healthcare provider if possible. Based on clinical history, test results and possible genetic testing for susceptibility to coeliac disease it should be possible to give a diagnosis. There is a bit more here: Seronegative coeliac disease
    • Scott Adams
      Positive biopsy

      By Scott Adams · Posted

      If you are still eating gluten you could get a celiac disease blood panel done, but I agree with @trents and the gold standard for diagnosing celiac disease would be your endoscopy results. Is it possible they did do a celiac disease panel before your biopsy? This would be the normal chain of events. This article might be helpful. It breaks down each type of test, and what a positive results means in terms of the probability that you might have celiac disease. One test that always needs to be done is the IgA Levels/Deficiency Test (often called "Total IGA") because some people are naturally IGA deficient, and if this is the case, then certain blood tests for celiac disease might be false-negative, and other types of tests need to be done to make an accurate diagnosis. The article includes the "Mayo Clinic Protocol," which is the best overall protocol for results to be ~98% accurate.    
    • trents
      Help understand results

      By trents · Posted

      Actually, it would be more correct to say that the genetic potential to develop celiac disease is passed down from parents to children. About 40% of the general population has the genetic potential to develop celiac disease but only about 1% of the general population actually do. But it is also true that the offspring of those who do have active celiac disease are at a considerably higher risk of developing active celiac disease than those of parents who have the genes but don't develop the disease. Some recent, larger studies put the risk at near 50% for the first degree relatives of those who have active celiac disease.
    • Jordan Carlson
      Fruits & Veggies

      By Jordan Carlson · Posted

      Hello everyone! Been a while since I posted. The past few moths have been the best by for recovery for myself. I have been the least bloated I have ever been, my constant throat clearing is almost gone, I have stopped almost all medication I was prevously taking (was taking vyvanse for adhd, pristiq for anxiety,fomotadine/blexten for histamine blockers and singulair). Only thing I take now is Tecta. I also no longer get any rashes after eating. Things are going very well. Most success came actually once I upped my B12 daily dose to 5,000 mcg. I do have one thing I am un able to figure out and want to see if anyone else has this issue or has experience working around it. Ever since I was born I have always had a issue getting fruits and veggies down. No matter how hard I tried, it would always result in gagging or throwing up. Always just thought I was a picky eater. Now that my stomach and system has healed enough that I can feel when something is off almost istantly, I notice that after eating most fruits (sometimes I am ok with bananas) and veggies, my stomach instantly starts burning and my heart starts to pound and I get really anxious as if my body doesnt know what to do with what just enetered it. So I am thinking now that this is what probably was going on when I was born and my body started rejecting it before which caused this weird sensory issue with it causing the gagging. Hoping someone has some exprience with this as well because I would love to be able to enjoy a nice fruit smoothie once in a while haha. Thanks everyone!
    • wellthatsfun
      heaps of hope!

      By wellthatsfun · Posted

      i know i've been rather cynical and sad about being fully diagnosed in june 2025, but my boyfriend has been consistently showing me the wonderful world that is gluten free cooking and baking. in the past couple of days he's made me a gluten free rice paper-wrapped spanakopita "pastry", plus a wonderful mac and cheese bechamel-ish sauce with gluten free pasta (san remo brand if you're in australia/if you can get your hands on it wherever you are).  those meals are notably gluten free, but mainly he's been making me easy gluten free meals - chili mince with white rice and sour cream, chicken soup with homemade stock from the chicken remains, and roast chickens with rice flour gravy and roast veggies. i'm a bit too thankful and grateful lol. how lucky could i possibly be? and, of course, for those who don't have someone to cook for them, it's quite easy to learn to cook for yourself. i've been making a lot of meals for us too. honestly, cooking is pretty darn fun! knowing basic knife skills and sanitary practices are all you really need. experimenting with spices will help you get on track to creating some really flavourful and yummy dishes. coeliac is a pain, but you can use it to your advantage. healthier eating and having fun in the kitchen are major upsides. much luck to all of you! let's be healthy!
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

NOTICE: This site places This site places cookies on your device (Cookie settings). on your device. Continued use is acceptance of our Terms of Use, and Privacy Policy.