Need Advice

[Happytobefree]

To All,

I am struggling with discussing the gluten-free diet with my mother-in-law. She has assured me that she is gluten-free savvy and has made me great gluten-free dishes in the past. Unfortunately, the first time she made a mistake and made me sick, she was defensive and angry until she realized where she had goofed. I was thankful just to be back on her good side and I understand that mistakes are mistakes.

Well, I have been gluten-ed again by my well-meaning mother-in-law and am stuck in a rut on what to do about it. The extreme is stop eating her cooking though she assures me it's gluten-free...seems rude. In contrast, I do not think my mother-in-law would be receptive to a constant interrogation about her cooking ingredients either.

I am stumped, sad, and sick. Gluten reactions hit me physically and behaviorally. I'm sure many can relate to how seriously I take the diet.

I would like to stay healthy and on my M-I-L's good side.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

[Dixiebell]

After reading many posts from others about the same problem, it seems the best solution is to tell her you have been getting ill and you need to only eat food that you prepare because you are not sure what is making you ill. I don't think it is rude at all. Also if she is using old, scratched cookware that is also used for gluten containing foods, and colanders, you can get glutened that way too.

I my opinion, your health is way more important than you trying to make your MIL happy. Do you think she might be open to you helping her cook the meal?

I gave up years ago on trying to make my MIL happy. I think that she must have a narcissistic personality disorder and I came to the conclusion that nothing was going to make her happy.

[tea-and-crumpets]

I am a bit worried about this for Christmas with my in laws, too. Tell her that you will only eat your own cooking. Frame it that you're making things easier on her -- now she doesn't have to worry if something is gluten free or not! That might be a relief to her.

I understand what it's like to want to try and keep the peace, but this is your health. Are the risk of hurt feelings worth spending days in the bathroom or in bed, and putting yourself at further risk of things like cancer? Frankly, your mother in law should feel bad for making you sick and not being careful and she shouldn't put that back on you. Setting boundaries, especially about something as emotionally fraught as food, is hard, especially when you haven't had to do it before, but your priority is your own health. It's like how on airplanes, you're supposed to put your own mask on first and then you can help someone else.

[Jestgar]

Or tell her you got sick after eating her meal and say that you're afraid some other food might be making you ill. Ask for her help in scrutinizing the ingredients and techniques she used to make the food to see if together you can figure out the culprit. If she screwed up, hopefully you'll pick it up while discussing this, and if you don't figure it out, you have an excuse to not eat her food as you're being careful of ingredients for a while.

[Roda]

I'm with the others, take and eat only your own food. This last trip to my inlaws that is what I did and there wasn't any hurt feelings. I did end up miserable, but it wasn't food, it was from my medication. She made the comment "I'm glad I didn't make you sick.". This was meant in good humor, but at least she know's that even some things are out of my control let alone hers. I now have my youngest son gluten free so this will pose new challenges but we will work it out somehow.

[Skylark]

Your MIL is not entirely well-meaning if she gets defensive and angry when you get sick. She has an agenda and you have challenged it in some way.

Sometimes the best way to deal with in-laws is to get your husband to do the negotiating. (I'm assuming you're female like much of this board. Please forgive me and substitute wife for husband if I have guessed wrong!) She's his mom, and he has a different relationship and understanding with her. Your husband may be able to get through without the defensiveness and anger that is directed at you.

If not, you'll probably have to bring your own food.

[NorthernElf]

This is a tough one. My folks don't get it, I have 2 mother in laws & one tries really hard to work around it for me...& I have still gotten glutened. She's a dear but all her pans have gluten, etc. I agree with bringing your own stuff - real pain in the butt but at least you will be safe. It also means you get to do extra work.

I always seem to get glutened at some point when I visit relatives - I think that the little hits of gluten are cummulative and after a few days...I'm down ! So...I always pack food - usually a box & a small cooler if there isn't much to shop at nearby.

[SaraKat]

Can you have your husband talk to her? I spoke with my MIL about the Thanksgiving dinner, but I wasn't forceful about it, but my husband spoke to on the phone a few days later her when I was standing there and was very forceful and questioned everything and made her aware of how strict she needs to be. Tgiving was fine.

[notme]

my husband is my advocate when it comes right down to it. i am at the point where (certain people) have been explained this 100,000 times and either they don't care or they can't learn. (why in the world do people think i'm a vegetarian?????) my sister is awesome and when she came for thanxgiving, she and her husband helped in the kitchen. sis was right-on about what i needed to avoid; BIL asked about everything and i thought that was sweet (husband takes a styrofoam plate out of the package and asks if it's ok LOL bless his heart!) my in-laws are more like: how come you can eat this but not that? i just let it go. hubby takes care of them. or i have threatened to bring a 'taster' who will test the food and promptly fall down dead. then i will announce: "yeah. i am not eating that." hahahahaaaaaa

[jenngolightly]

Well, I have been gluten-ed again by my well-meaning mother-in-law and am stuck in a rut on what to do about it. The extreme is stop eating her cooking though she assures me it's gluten-free...seems rude. In contrast, I do not think my mother-in-law would be receptive to a constant interrogation about her cooking ingredients either.

I am stumped, sad, and sick. Gluten reactions hit me physically and behaviorally. I'm sure many can relate to how seriously I take the diet.

Did your MIL see how sick you were? I'm lucky because I get nauseous and throw up right away, so anyone who cooked for me with gluten gets the full effect of their mistake within 10 minutes. If she sees your physical reaction to the food, it may help support your decision to bring your own food or lead into a serious conversation about Celiac and you can show her how to cook without CC (show her about scratches on pots and spoons, etc.).

(why in the world do people think i'm a vegetarian?????)

:-) I get that ALL the time here at work functions. I work for a university that often has banquet functions and about 1/2 the time they serve us celiacs the vegetarian meals. And the funny thing is that they seem to be so aware of things because when they send out invitations they have check boxes for gluten-free and vegetarian options. Now why would they do that unless they were actually going to give out separate meals for the vegetarians and people who need gluten-free meals? Duh. I've even complained to our in-house food service company. Plus, I think vegetarian meals are gross. In addition to being pure vegetables and yucky, slimy tofu, they are significantly lower quality than the regular meals. I'm sick of tofu salads.

I've learned to take my own food to the events and ask for a clean plate. I'd rather be happy and eat with everyone than hope that "this time" they get it right.

[T.H.]

I'd second this.

If it helps, you could mention that recent study that many gluten-free grains are actually contaminated with enough gluten to make a celiac sick, so you need to know brand names so you can track down what's making you sick.

Same goes for some brands of oil, or plain nuts, or spices. Or even brands that were previously safe and then start adding gluten. As I recall, Walmart had some brands without gluten that they added gluten to without notice and celiacs were all getting sick until they started re-reading labels for previously safe foods.

If you engage her in helping you figure out why you're getting sick, and present it more as a: I am trying to figure out what food might have been contaminated with gluten by the COMPANY, then it may help make her not feel defensive. It's not her fault, it's modern processing. It's checking on brands that you might not normally use, to see if they might not be as careful with gluten as they should.

I think that part can help immensely.

And at the same time, you can make your own diet because you are being very careful to check certain ingredients at one time.

[FooGirlsMom]

Family situations are the most difficult esp. if you have well-meaning people trying to "love you" and accomodate your needs. The easiest thing to do is what the others said - bring your own food. When you tell her that you became sick after eating her lovely and appreciated attempt at gluten-free cooking, let her off the hook and say how much you TRULY appreciated her help, but gluten-free is a very difficult thing to do 100% correctly and it takes time to find all the culprits to cross-contamination etc. The labels are just maddening on foods sometimes. Commiserating with them how hard it is to find foods we feel good on (and everyone is a little bit different and so are products)...it is just something you don't want to put people through anymore and it's not something you want to risk anymore. If you have ever glutened yourself in the beginning of the diet, now is the time to retell THAT story so they don't feel badly. Much of the problem is processing in food plants. When your MIL realizes that cooking gluten-free in a gluten kitchen is equivalent to doing surgery in a sterile environment she might just thank you for bringing your own meals

I always find that when sharing information that can hurt & embarrass the listener, doing it gently & with an understanding heart, sharing your own struggles toward perfection, will ease the blow. It's as simple as: If you really love me, you will let me have peace of mind in this. Gluten makes me really really ill.

Good luck

FooGirlsMom