Now Shes In Denial

[JustForJen]

I wanted to start another thread as my one about why can't have it in moderation seems somewhat irrelevant as it is clear why. I think she is in Denial. She looking for me to give her the go ahead for example: that we could order pizza tonight and just forget about the Gluten for a night. But won't do it unless I say its okay. I understand what she is doing, looking for my approval to be bad!! But it puts me in a difficult situation. Because when I say no way, I become a controlling jerk in her mind(at least outwardly and I obviously can't condone eating pizza either. I don't want to force her to come to the message boards as that would do more harm than good. She just doesn't wan't to deal with it and doesn't seem like there is a whole lot of support I can give. Seems like she wants me to just let her go ahead a Glute??? herself and leave her alone about it. I know I can't fix this and its her life and if she wants to destroy it by eating things she is allergic to, I shouldn't prevent her as then she would just hide it, but what should I do? Where is the line of being supportive vs. being controlling?

BTW tried Gluten free pizza. We live in NY. Wasn't impressed

[Jestgar]

Refusing to participate in harm is not controlling.

It's true that her health is up to her, but it's also true that she needs to get through this at her own pace. Tell her that you can't help her hurt herself, and you will leave the room if she chooses to eat something harmful rather than rip it out of her hands (if that's what it takes).

Continue to be supportive, but not enabling.

[jerseyangel]

Refusing to participate in harm is not controlling.

It's true that her health is up to her, but it's also true that she needs to get through this at her own pace. Tell her that you can't help her hurt herself, and you will leave the room if she chooses to eat something harmful rather than rip it out of her hands (if that's what it takes).

Continue to be supportive, but not enabling.

I agree with this. I remember when I first went gluten-free--I was literally flying by the seat of my pants. My doctor sent me home with an ancient piece of paper that was typed on a typewriter with a list of foods to avoid and instructions to come back in 2 months. I had no idea about this forum, and had only just heard of Celiac.

I learned on my own that I had to watch the cross contamination and that "just a little" does hurt. At that time, I used personal care products with wheat, and only cut out the obvious gluten like bread and pasta.

What happened with me--and quite quickly--is that I became more and more sensitive to smaller and smaller amounts of gluten. This caused me to look at my diet much more carefully and certainly never cheat.

When I found this board, I learned about things like the possibility of a reaction using personal care products with gluten and to read labels every time. I have pretty strong reactions, and maybe that is a good thing because it kept me on the straight and narrow. What I am thinking is that as Jen cuts out the gluten, she may experience the phenomenon of becoming more sensitive (as many do) and will adjust accordingly.

We are here for her (and you) any time.

[tarnalberry]

I think you say what you said here "You're looking for me to approve or disapprove your choices on the diet you know you need to do but don't want to. I'm not going to do that." And then don't give her an answer - make your own meal separately if you have to. But I would be VERY clear to her that you know what she's doing (even if she doesn't) and you won't play along. And be very consistent in not playing.

[GlutenFreeManna]

As others have said don't enable her but don't belittle her or rip the gluten away from her. I think we all here went through a period of denial or "testing" it to see if we really need to stay gluten free. Let her run through her emotions on this at her own pace. DON'T buy gluten food and bring it to her but don't criticize her if she chooses to eat gluten on her own and then is sick. Don't be the one to say anything like "I told you so..." when gltuen makes her sick. That will just make her distant and more angry and hurt. I know when I was going through a denial stage it helped the most to hear my husband say "I'm not going to help make you sick but I'm not goign to stop you if that's really what you want to do. You're an adult and you can make your own choices, but I love you and I want to help you through this when you're ready..."

[Jenn624]

How long has she been gluten free now? I will tell you, about 2 weeks into it, I decided to cheat. I wanted pizza and I was going to have it. I ate a couple slices, threw up and spent the evening running to the bathroom. I got a painful rash on my backside. The symptoms lasted a couple days. That was my wake up call. I will never knowingly do that to myself again.

So while I don't think she should eat gluten, maybe it would be a wake up call for her as well.

Then again, that could really backfire!!! Sorry I am not really of help. She's got to want to get well herself, but you can definitely not be an active partner in her cheating on the gluten-free lifestyle!

GOOD LUCK!

Jenn

[IrishHeart]

well, denial is part of the mourning phase of loss....there's anger and bargaining, depression and eventually, acceptance...she'll get there, eventually.... sorry, hubby....just hang on.

Some gluten-free food is better than others. You two will have to try a few places to see what's good.

Are you in NYC or upstate?...I may have some tips for you

if you want.

[mushroom]

No, you definitely cannot force someone to do what they are unwilling to do. It has to be her decision that she is not going to eat gluten. I agree with the others about not being an enabler, Let everything you buy and cook be gluten free so that the eating of gluten has to be a conscious choice on her part - that way she is not dragging you into her guilt about doing it. Remember the five stages of grief: Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Acceptance. It sounds like she is doing a bit of bargaining right now. This is a perfectly normal grieving process and I hope you can help her through it. You will find several threads on here like What Do You Miss the Most?, etc., and we all go through this grieving process. And we all seem to eventually come out the other side when our reasoning rather than our emotions control.

[Waverlywoods]

unfortunately she's just going to have to make herself sick. There's nothing you can do but remind her why she feels bad. I don't mean to be a downer, but for a person to maintain 100% gluten free they have to want it really bad. The motivation for that will come from being quite ill and knowing that the cause is gluten, even trace gluten. This is what it took to motivate me. In time the desire for harmful foods went away for me, but it took quite some time for me. Best of luck to both of you.

[K8ling]

Maybe it's just me but I was SO HAPPY to start feeling better. Does she LIKE being sick? I mean yeah it's hard but... once you start feeling like a human it is SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT!

Once she feels better it's going to be amazing to her. You just gotta get her to realize that being sick is not life. Being well is life.

[ciavyn]

Maybe it's just me but I was SO HAPPY to start feeling better. Does she LIKE being sick? I mean yeah it's hard but... once you start feeling like a human it is SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT!

Once she feels better it's going to be amazing to her. You just gotta get her to realize that being sick is not life. Being well is life.

K8ling is right -- but she may not know what it even feels like to feel good yet. I had no clue that people didn't feel like I always did. So she doesn't even know she is headed for yet. If only there was a way to let her have the experience of feeling decent so she knew what she was working towards....