Son Embarressed

[dwaters800]

My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with gluten-sensitivity after years of illness. We were out to eat for his birthday at Outback and when I pulled out the gluten-free menu, my brother-in-law says, "*^%# - it's his birthday, let him have what his wants." I tried to ignore him but he kept staring at us and making comments throughout the entire meal. It just is mind blowing but it goes to show there are people who just cannot be empathetic. My son seemed to be very embarrassed about the whole thing. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

Ginny

[bluelotus]

I am angered by so many of these stories. What is wrong with people?!? I began to channel my anger by running more - every time my foot hits the pavement, I am stomping out one more idiot.

I am sorry your son was embarrassed. Not a good start to a life long condition, and I hope that as he gets into a routine, he will begin to expect this from people and blow it off. Its his body, so his health takes precident. Sorry too to make this about your son, my frustration isn't entirely from this story, but from all of my personal experiences as well as all of these stories. But, good for your son for sticking with his meal choice! A small stand to make, but one to certainly help his assertion and confidence for later incidents. Give him a hug/pat on the back for all of us in the same boat!!

[MySuicidalTurtle]

It does suck that people, even family, are like this. They just don't understand. The only thing your son can do is deal with it and not get embarassed. It is hard at first but then it gets easier. Maybe he should talk to his Uncle about being this and how he feels foolish and sad that his own Uncle doesn't care about his health. That way he won't say stupid crap next time they are out and can instead be a support!

[skoki-mom]

Your BIL is a pill!!! He has obviously made no effort to understand this disease! Why does he want your son to be sick?? Jeesh! I'd either have a talk with him, or just don't invite him next time! Hugs to both you and your son. I've only been on this diet less than 2 months, and it can be hard/depressing enough without a bunch of insensitive comments!

[Guest nini]

What an obnoxious thing for your BIL to say... yeah it was his birthday, but this is a friggin life long thing, you can't just throw it out the window whenever you feel like having something you want. And for crying out loud, Outback has a great gluten-free selection... most of everything I loved to eat prior to going gluten-free is on that menu... (except for the bread ) and OMG how rude of him to just keep staring and making a big deal...

Personally I would go talk to this BIL and explain the seriousness of the disease and the necessity of the strictness of the diet and HOW RUDE his behavior was toward your son and if he can't get a clue, he won't be invited along for family things anymore if you have any say in it! Sorry I'm getting so riled up, that is just uncalled for. At least in my family, they are trying to be understanding, even if they still make stupid mistakes. (like my sister offering to ice my daughters gluten-free cupcake with the same frosting and knife that she had just used to frost the regular cupcakes...) anyway... {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to your son and I hope he was able to still have a nice birthday dinner.

[jenvan]

Ginny-

Wow! You're BIL is obvious clueless about Celiac... He doesn't understand that he was really saying "it's his birthday--let him eat something toxic" ! i hope your son had a good b-day nevertheless. did you get to serve him some gluten-free treats later? some of the other moms on here have great b-day ideas from their kids with celiac...

[Guest nini]

I just wanted to add along that line, that you can always say, WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT POISON ON YOUR BIRTHDAY????

[Heather22]

Hi Ginny,

When I was first diagnosed, I hated eating around other people and I hated explaining it to everyone. "Look at me everyone, I'm picky about everything I put in my mouth!". For some reason, that just drove me crazy regardless of who I was with. Fortunately I dealt with it over the years and I have no problem telling people. It is nice to inform other people and let them know that I am special. I still get the "oh, you poor girl" type of sympathy, but whatever. It's not that bad.

Getting back to my point, when going out for dinner with family/friends/colleagues, I tend to get up before we order, and flag down the waitress (pretending I'm going to the bathroom), and tell her secretly. This way, she also feels personally responsible for getting 100% gluten-free on your plate. I sometimes go and ask to see the gluten-free menu or ask to order the one gluten-free food on the menu. So, when I get back to my table, I order that food and it is not such a public issue. Call me paranoid, but it made me feel a lot more normal in social settings.

However, being a spectacle all the time doesn't last forever. Assure him that eventually he won't care and either will the people who care about him.

On the plus side of having Celiac, there are also a lot of good looking gluten free girls that he automatically has something in common with. : )

Good luck!

Heather

[Heather22]

Another point to add:

When out, make him explain his needs for himself. I hated it when my mom would take over and tell the waitress my whole experience and what Celiac does, blah blah, blah. It is a lot more discrete if he does it himself- - - just to making life easier.

[MySuicidalTurtle]

I agree with Heather about that last point. My Mother and brother weren't diagnosed until over a year after I was. My Mom would always try and say things but I was a senior in High School and would get so annoyed by it. I tried to talk to her about me dealing with my Celiacs but she'd only be hurt and not understand. Now that she does have it I always think she never explaines what she needs done at restaurants enough, hahaha! I think it's easier to do it for myself and it helped with doing it at Uni.

[confusedaunt]

Sorry that your son did not have a good meal out for his birthday. But as an aunt of a celiacs kid, it is very hard to understand everything. I'm sure your BIL did not mean to make him feel worse about it. At least, I would hope not. I know that when my family gets together, it just seems like we can never do anything right and is very frustrating. I would like to be able to help the situation, but don't find things out until too late. If you would just even pass along emails with information about celiacs to family members, I think they would appreciate it.

My neice's diet has recently changed and they are VERY particular about it. Things I would not even think of. I held her hand to pray at dinner and then there was a "scene" cuz she had to wash her hand before touching her food. I felt like a big jerk. If someone had just told me to avoid this, I would have gladly done so.

[Guest Viola]

I can understand there being a fuss about someone trying to push a cookie or a piece of cake, but NO ONE should make a fuss about hand holding. I'm a celiac myself, and would have just quietly wiped my hands after in case that you had handled bread etc. The purpose is to educate our family and friends, not embarrass them. I'm sorry that you were embarrassed, and commend you for being on here and trying to learn about the disease and how it affects your neice.

[confusedaunt]

I can understand there being a fuss about someone trying to push a cookie or a piece of cake, but NO ONE should make a fuss about hand holding.    I'm a celiac myself, and would have just quietly wiped my hands after in case that you had handled bread etc.  The purpose is to educate our family and friends, not embarrass them. I'm sorry that you were embarrassed, and commend you for being on here and trying to learn about the disease and how it affects your neice.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is there a good way to talk to her parents about this? I would like to avoid situations like these in the future. I'm sure they are overwhelmed and are more concerned with their daughter's health than my feelings. But my kids get their feelings hurt too so I would like to know what to avoid.

[Smunkeemom]

I have run into similar problems with people. I have found that sometimes it helps to explain that it is a 'medical diet' and that he isn't like a health nut or something (I was accused of being a health nut once when I brought soy cereal for my kid and said no cheerios) If it is someone that you see often, you may sit down with them outside of the situation and explain about it, so that they don't feel attacked. I know when I married my husband people in my family made jokes about his frequent bathroom trips, I had to individually explain about his crohn's disease, most of them had never heard of it.

I was embarrased for my husband when we first got married, because of his crohn's then I realized it is a disease, just like any other, I wouldn't be embarrassed if he was diabetic, or had epilepsy, or even if he had a mental illness, I had to get over the fact that just because he had "bathroom symptoms" that didn't mean his disease was different than anyone elses, good thing I realized that too, because I was able to get over it before I we found out that Annika has celiac disease.

Just because the symptoms might be embarrasing to talk about, doesn't mean you shouldn't be up front with people about your condition when they need to know.

I really hope that things work out for your son. I am sorry if life is tough for him now, but as soon as the people who really care about him understand the whole situation, it will get easier.

[KaitiUSA]

I was embarrased for my husband when we first got married, because of his crohn's then I realized it is a disease, just like any other, I wouldn't be embarrassed if he was diabetic, or had epilepsy, or even if he had a mental illness, I had to get over the fact that just because he had "bathroom symptoms" that didn't mean his disease was different than anyone elses, good thing I realized that too, because I was able to get over it before I we found out that Annika has celiac disease.

Just because the symptoms might be embarrasing to talk about, doesn't mean you shouldn't be up front with people about your condition when they need to know.

I really hope that things work out for your son. I am sorry if life is tough for him now, but as soon as the people who really care about him understand the whole situation, it will get easier.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Has your husband been tested for celiac? Celiac is commonly misdiagnosed for things such as Crohns. Now I am not saying he does not have Crohns because he very well could just have that. However, considering that your daughter has celiac and he has a history of digestive problems it might make sense to have him at least screened for it. Some people do actually have both.

[tarnalberry]

Is there a good way to talk to her parents about this?  I would like to avoid situations like these in the future.  I'm sure they are overwhelmed and are more concerned with their daughter's health than my feelings.  But my kids get their feelings hurt too so I would like to know what to avoid.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

One thing to consider here is that, if she was diagnosed very recently, they may be very overwhelmed with the diet and so it's a bigger deal to them. The only cure for this is patience. Talking to them will help as well, if you approach it from the perspective of asking them to teach you, so they feel that they have more input to how you deal with it. Ask lots of questions, and - though it'll take time to get into this habit - learn to know when you're making assumptions, and stop to ask questions instead. (For instance, "Oh, this juice must be fine, it's only juice." is an assumption - a lot of juices are NOT only juices, and a few are not gluten-free. But it's a very easy assumption to make, and a hard one to unlearn.)

[Smunkeemom]

Has your husband been tested for celiac? Celiac is commonly misdiagnosed for things such as Crohns. Now I am not saying he does not have Crohns because he very well could just have that. However, considering that your daughter has celiac and he has a history of digestive problems it might make sense to have him at least screened for it. Some people do actually have both.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

yeah, we tested him and did the scope and everything last month. he had Iga but the biopsy was neg.

his GI says that he wants to remove his colon because the crohn's has made it so inflamed that it is in danger of becoming obstructed. so we are getting a second opinion.

My side of the family has celiac history, my grandpa was diagnosed at 78 just 3 months before my daughter was. (ironic thing is that my side of the family is the nonsupportive side, while my husbands almost bends over backward to make things easier for Annika)

[quantumsugar]

My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with gluten-sensitivity after years of illness.  We were out to eat for his birthday at Outback and when I pulled out the gluten-free menu, my brother-in-law says, "*^%# - it's his birthday, let him have what his wants."  I tried to ignore him but he kept staring at us and making comments throughout the entire meal.  It just is mind blowing but it goes to show there are people who just cannot be empathetic.  My son seemed to be very embarrassed about the whole thing.  I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. 

Ginny

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aargh! People can be so darned insentive sometimes, I'm sorry. Have you considered having your son come on the forum, too? Or a support group? I know one of the things that helped me the most was starting to build a sense of community, so I didn't feel so impressively alone in this.

If that doesn't work, you could try smacking your BIL in the head (kidding).

[pogirl1786]

My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with gluten-sensitivity after years of illness.  We were out to eat for his birthday at Outback and when I pulled out the gluten-free menu, my brother-in-law says, "*^%# - it's his birthday, let him have what his wants."  I tried to ignore him but he kept staring at us and making comments throughout the entire meal.  It just is mind blowing but it goes to show there are people who just cannot be empathetic.  My son seemed to be very embarrassed about the whole thing.  I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. 

Ginny

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is so annoying! I have run into many people with that same attitude. I was diagnosed when I was 17 (I'm now 19), and I know how your son feels. I used to not necessarily get embarrassed, but I would feel really bad, like I had to apologize for my disease, when that should not be the case. Tell your son not to let it get him down, and that some people are just ignorant like that!

[DonnaD]

That is so annoying! I have run into many people with that same attitude. I was diagnosed when I was 17 (I'm now 19), and I know how your son feels. I used to not necessarily get embarrassed, but I would feel really bad, like I had to apologize for my disease, when that should not be the case. Tell your son not to let it get him down, and that some people are just ignorant like that!

My 11yo 2 months gluten-free told her friends at school who would offer something yummy and say 'a little won't hurt' that coeliac is like a peanut allergy but kills you slowly........

I am so proud of her she was ill for so long she has not knowingly cheated at all.

[chuikov]

My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with gluten-sensitivity after years of illness. We were out to eat for his birthday at Outback and when I pulled out the gluten-free menu, my brother-in-law says, "*^%# - it's his birthday, let him have what his wants." I tried to ignore him but he kept staring at us and making comments throughout the entire meal. It just is mind blowing but it goes to show there are people who just cannot be empathetic. My son seemed to be very embarrassed about the whole thing. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

Ginny

Some people just don't understand that any food can be bad. My dad is that way. Explain to your son's uncle that the symptoms are symilar to dysentery and it would be similar to him having a nice glass of sewer water. Feel free to be graphic - it might help the message get through.

[CMCM]

Some people just don't understand that any food can be bad. My dad is that way. Explain to your son's uncle that the symptoms are symilar to dysentery and it would be similar to him having a nice glass of sewer water. Feel free to be graphic - it might help the message get through.

People who don't have allergies just don't get it. My son has a life-threatening peanut allergy. We'll tell people about that, and they'll say things like "OK, but can he eat peanut BUTTER??" Jeez.....

My mom has celiac disease and since the day she found out she has been reluctant to mention it in restaurants, almost as if she were announcing she had leprosy or something. I don't understand her attitude, it's certainly nothing to be embarrassed about!

With my son's peanut allergy, I don't waste time: I say he's allergic and if he got even a smidgen of peanut he could die right at their restaurant table. I like to scare them when necessary, otherwise you just don't get thru to them. You have to make them take it seriously, because many people equate "allergy" with getting a little red rash or something. They just don't realize how sick you can get! Or that in some instances it could kill you.

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

I just wanted to add along that line, that you can always say, WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT POISON ON YOUR BIRTHDAY????

I just thought the same thing, when I read yours. Some people really only get it that way. Why do some people react so strange? I don't get it...Maybe I'm too blue eyed...

My neice's diet has recently changed and they are VERY particular about it. Things I would not even think of. I held her hand to pray at dinner and then there was a "scene" cuz she had to wash her hand before touching her food. I felt like a big jerk. If someone had just told me to avoid this, I would have gladly done so.

Why do they make a big scene out of THAT? You should wash your hands anyway before EVERY dinner. Not only because of allergies or celiac, but you could also have held your hand before your nose while sneezing or so prior to holding her hand. You know what I mean? They would have gotten something to hear from me. You are not a jerk then. Oh heck, you can't fix stupid...

Has your husband been tested for celiac? Celiac is commonly misdiagnosed for things such as Crohns. Now I am not saying he does not have Crohns because he very well could just have that. However, considering that your daughter has celiac and he has a history of digestive problems it might make sense to have him at least screened for it. Some people do actually have both.

I'm with Kaiti here. He should also get screened for celiac. He might have both...

[debmidge]

Uncle isn't convinced that celiac is a real disease.

It's time that your 16 year old speak for himself by telling uncle, in a nice way, that while he'd like to order any old thing from the menu, he knows not to take that risk and to stick to the gluten free diet as he doesn't want to feel sick later.

Plain and simple response and Uncle will then know that the 16 year old knows his own mind and that his parents aren't just making up this celiac/gluten-free stuff just for the fun of it.

[ryebaby0]

OMG! This HAPPENED over Christmas to us! My BIL says "can't he have whatever he wants? It's Christmas!" And my beautiful, clever, witty 12 year old responds:

"What I WANT is to not puke all over Grandma's tablecloth. Is that okay with you?"

joanna